by Jenna Jones
Leo put an arm around Dune's shoulders and kissed his forehead. "Okay, Dunie. Okay. Then promise me you'll be staying with Micah a while."
"That's up to Micah."
"Dunie, you're welcome here for as long as you want to be."
"Thanks, sweetheart," Dune said quietly, and gave him another small smile.
Leo finished his coffee and gave the cup a quick rinse in the sink. "I guess we ought to let you rest. But I'm making you dinner tonight," he added, and cupped Dune's cheek. "Is there anything special you'd like?"
"Whatever you want to make is fine," Dune said.
"Okay." He kissed Dune's forehead. "Come down around seven, okay?"
"Okay," Dune said, and saw Leo and Stuart out. He turned back to Micah. "Well, that was fun."
"They wanted to know you were okay," Micah said.
"And now he'll call my moms and they'll come over..." He sighed. "Well. I'll deal."
Micah nodded and put the mugs in the dishwasher. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Oh, Micah..." He came back to the kitchen and wrapped his arms around Micah. "I know you're just --" He sighed. "Thank you," he said quietly and kissed Micah's hair.
Micah turned around to look at him and looped both arms around Dune's neck. "That's what friends do," he said seriously. "They take care of each other."
"Yeah," Dune said. He bit his lip a moment and then kissed Micah carefully.
Micah inhaled and his arms tightened around Dune's neck and he carefully broke off the kiss. "Dunie --"
"What?" Dune said, frowning.
"I don't want you to think you're obligated to -- you know. Do stuff."
Dune was still frowning. "I've hardly seen you for four months and you don't even want me to kiss you?"
"Dune," Micah said patiently, "if I had my way we'd be naked and horizontal right now. But you're traumatized, and I don't want to push you."
Dune touched his cheek. "Can I push you?"
Micah started to smile. "If you really want to."
"We have until seven." He ran his hand over Micah's head. "And I've missed you. I've missed you so much."
"I've missed you, too." He kissed Dune gently and led him by the hand to his bed. They lay down side by side on top of the duvet, and Micah held Dune's face loosely in his fingers to kiss him. Dune rested one hand on Micah's hip and massaged it as they kissed, fingers warm on Micah's skin between his waistband and his shirt.
"I've missed you, Micah," he whispered again. "I missed you."
"You've got me now," Micah said and kissed down Dune's neck. "I'm here with you."
"Yeah," Dune said, and Micah felt warm wetness against his cheek. He looked up at Dune's face, surprised to see tears, and he kissed them away.
"What's wrong?"
Dune shook his head. "Nothing."
"Tell me," Micah requested gently, and kissed his face a few more times, licking up the salt.
Dune exhaled slowly and spoke in a nearly toneless voice. "Gavin fucked me like I was just convenient. He didn't want to kiss or play or anything like that, anything fun. It was like, once he had me he was just staking his claim. You know? Not letting me forget who owned me."
Micah clenched his jaw and then said quietly, "Gavin's evil. And he's not going to touch you anymore."
Dune huffed a quiet laugh. "I certainly don't want him to."
"He won't," Micah repeated and kissed Dune slowly. "He won't. Nobody will touch you that you don't want to." He hesitated and bit his lip.
"I want you to," Dune said, moving onto his back. He pulled Micah on top of him and kissed him.
"Are you sure you're ready, Dunie?" He looked down at Dune's face -- so perfect, so vulnerable.
Dune looked at him with solemn, dark eyes, then laughed dryly and said, "You know? I'm not sure. I want you. I just --"
"Need time," Micah said and rolled off him.
"Don't go."
"I'm not going." He kicked off his shoes. "I'm changing the game plan."
Dune smiled, and when Micah lay down again, Dune laid his head on Micah's chest and pulled Micah's arm over him like a blanket. "Not seduction, huh?"
"Nope. Not tonight." Micah smoothed back Dune's hair from his face, careful not to touch his bruised eye. "If you want seducing I'll surprise you some time."
"Later."
"Yes. Later." He twined his fingers through Dune's hair. "You need a haircut," he said smugly.
"I know. I haven't bothered. I haven't been going to the gym. I haven't done much of anything." He slid his hand across Micah's chest and let it rest at the dip of Micah's waist.
"I can tell," Micah said tracing his cheekbone. "You look like you've lost, like, twenty pounds."
"Twenty-three. Yeah."
"Dune," Micah said and sat up straight so they could look into each other's eyes. Dune leaned on his elbow. "I think you need to see a therapist about all this."
Dune groaned and flopped onto the mattress. "No. No therapy. Good God."
Micah lay down so he could rest his cheek on Dune's back. "Why not? You haven't been keeping up with your family, and you love your family. You haven't been keeping up with your friends, and you love your friends. You haven't been eating, and we all know you're a foodie. You haven't been taking care of yourself, and you love having the best abs in the Bay Area. And your writing's been -- well --"
"Terrible. I know."
"Like you've been too sad to care."
Dune sighed, and Micah kissed his back and wrapped his arms around him. "I have been too sad to care," Dune said.
"It's official," Micah said. "Gavin is the worst thing to happen to you, ever."
"No," Dune said, "the worst thing that's happened to me ever was when you said it hurt to love me."
Micah kissed his back again, not knowing what to say.
"I'm sorry," Dune said, moving away. "That was low. I shouldn't have said that."
"Get back here," Micah said, tugging on Dune's shirt, and Dune relaxed against him with a sigh. "Dune," he said softly, stroking Dune's face with his palm, "I love you. That hasn't changed and probably never will. But I don't --"
"I know. You don't expect anything from me. Nobody does. They just want me around to look at. No speaking required."
"That's not what I mean at all."
"Isn't it? Weren't you about to say you don't expect me to love you back?" He turned over so he could look at Micah. "Why don't you expect me to love you? Why don't you demand that I love you? Why don't you demand that I love you back as nothing less than what you deserve?"
Micah blinked at him owlishly, confused. "Okay," he said cautiously. "I demand that you love me as nothing less than what I deserve."
"That's much better," Dune said, and lay against him again.
"So...do you love me?"
Dune breathed deep and even and said, "Yes. But let's not make a big deal about it."
"Okay," Micah said, smiling. "I'll light the fireworks later."
"Dork," Dune said.
"Pretty boy."
"Twink."
"Queen."
"Nerd."
"I love you," Micah said, smiling angelically.
"Okay, you win." They both lay quietly for a few minutes, and Dune said, "I love you, too," and Micah hugged him tight, happy.
Chapter Nineteen
Ocean brought Dune St. John's Wort and a list of therapists. Frances held him, brushing back his hair, relief in her eyes. Leo made stir-fried vegetables with chicken and fried rice. Ben, on hearing that Dune was home, brought down Jamie and cookies, and when Dune said to Jamie, "I'm so sorry about what Gavin said to you," Jamie said, "It's nothing, mate," and hugged him tight.
Micah started to drift away when the others showed up, but Dune grabbed his hand and held onto it, weaving their fingers together. He didn't want to say "don't go" out loud, but it must have been in his face because Micah stayed.
It got to be too much before long -- too many people and voices, when he was so used to his own t
houghts and Gavin's voice -- so while everyone else cleaned up from dinner and discussed things like therapy and restraining orders, Dune pulled Micah with him to the small balcony beyond the sun room. Dune dropped into one of the small, metal chairs and pulled Micah onto his knee.
"How are you holding up?" Micah said softly, putting his arms around Dune's neck.
Dune started to say, "I'm fine," but he wasn't and Micah knew it, so he just kissed Micah and held him closer. "It's a little overwhelming."
Micah stroked his hair. "Yeah, that big noisy family of ours. Yours."
"Ours," Dune said and leaned his head against Micah's shoulder. "It's our family."
"Yeah," Micah said, and kissed the top of Dune’s head. He whispered, "I'd offer to slay dragons for you but there aren't many dragons around."
Dune chuckled and said, "I think you've done that already, tiger," and kissed him gently.
"Tiger?" Micah stroked his cheek. "Not kitten? Not baby?"
"You're not a baby anymore." He kissed Micah again. "Sorry it took me so long to notice."
"You're the first to notice," Micah said, and buried his face in Dune's neck. "And I had to hit a guy to get you to notice."
"No," Dune said softly, "that isn't why. Because you went there, all by yourself, with nothing to protect you but love, and --" He kissed Micah, a hand on one thigh. "And you were magnificent."
"The plan was just to talk." He placed his hand over Dune's. "You're not saying you love me just because I helped you, are you?"
"No," Dune said, shaking his head. "I'm saying it because I know it now. I should have said it a long time ago."
"How long ago?" Micah said, smiling like they were teasing.
"Years ago," Dune said. "Like the night of Jim and Carla's wedding when I first witnessed your spastic dancing."
"That was the first night we met."
"I know. And you know what I should have said? I should have said, Don't go home with Jamie, come home with me. I think we both could have avoided a lot of pain if I had."
"Coulda, woulda, shoulda," Micah said and kissed him.
"On the other hand," Dune said, "maybe it's a good thing that I waited for you to grow up."
"When I could be your partner instead of your project."
"Exactly. Jamie never thought of you as a project, by the way."
"Just a brat," Micah said, and kissed Dune's forehead. "It's okay. You don't have to reassure me." He played with Dune’s hair a moment. "Will you let me cut your hair?"
"No. But I will let you come with me when I go to the barber."
"Oh, goody, day trip with Dune."
His eyes dropped. "That was presumptive of me. Sorry."
"Oh, Dunie, honestly. This is me you're talking to. C'mon, let's go back inside. I want some more rice." Micah jumped up and held out his hand. "Come on."
Dune took his hand, then gently pulled him down and kissed him before standing. They went back into the kitchen with their arms around each other's shoulders, where there was more food and more talk and more noise.
But it was okay now. It was easier. He was loved here, cherished, their Dune. He accepted another plate of hot fried rice and another glass of iced tea and knew it would get better.
***
Monday morning Micah went to work, expecting to be called into human resources, told he was causing a disruption in the workplace and dismissed, but nothing happened. Nothing happened Tuesday, either, or Wednesday. On Thursday, Gavin's editor came down to IT and asked Micah if he could check if Gavin had logged into the network from home. Of course he could, it was a simple procedure, and the answer was no, he had not.
"Do you know any of his family?" the editor asked.
"I know his brother. I'm friends with his wife. Would you like their phone number?"
"If he's not back by next week, yes, I would. I'm surprised no one had noticed he hasn't been around."
"I think," Micah said slowly, "that no one's been looking for him."
Micah stopped by Dune's apartment, thinking he would find broken windows and destroyed possessions, but the loft looked untouched. Micah packed more clothes for Dune and left, locking the door carefully behind him.
When he got home he looked up and down the block for Gavin's car, or even for someone stepping back from the sidewalk to avoid being seen. I haven't seen enough spy movies, he thought with a sigh and went upstairs.
"It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop," Dune said quietly once Micah had told him this.
"I'm not sure what we're waiting for, exactly. I mean, if he's hiding, how are we going to know when it's safe for you to go home?"
"Do you want me out already?" He raised an eyebrow at Micah.
"Nope. But I only have enough clothes for you until Saturday. Sooner or later, Dunie, you're going to have to decide on what you want to do with the loft -- keep it or give it up."
"Yeah, yeah," Dune muttered, and tried to distract him with a kiss.
"And there's your job and therapy --"
"I don't want to think about that."
"I know. But you'll have to at some point."
"It's not that point yet, so don't bug me about it, please. I don't know what good therapy will do for me anyway. I feel fine."
"Okay," Micah said, deciding not to press it.
Micah knew he was going to have to insist Dune make a decision, no matter how much Dune resisted it. The paper would be understanding for only so long, and his landlord would still want rent on the first, no matter what else was going on. But Dune didn't want to leave the apartment except to go to Leo's, he ignored his computer and he seemed to be spending a lot of time staring out the window.
"I understand depression," Micah said to Stuart. "I really do. I think we've all had it at some point in our lives. But inertia's not going to help."
Stuart pondered as he packed his clothes. He'd been back and forth between England and California many times already this year, and it was time to go home again. He said at last, "If his inertia persists for too long, perhaps we should give him a push. But it hasn't been very long. He may yet surprise us."
"And what about Gavin? We can't just sit here and wait for him to show up again."
"I think," Stuart said, "we'll know what to do when he surfaces again." He zipped his suitcase and kissed Micah's forehead. "Be good. And if you can't be good, be memorable."
"Yes, Stuart," Micah said, and hugged him tight.
Frances also said to give Dune time. "He's always been sensitive. When he was a child he'd come home crying if someone was cruel to him at school. He's got a very tender heart."
Micah knew that. Micah knew better than anyone else that Dune was not dealing with this well, that he was afraid to leave the apartment, that he didn't want to see a therapist or go back to work. Micah knew that his own heart was breaking a little each day because Dune needed help that he didn't know how to give.
"All you can do is love him," Jamie said. "I know it's not what you want to hear. I know you want a magical solution that will make everything better, but there isn't one."
"But if he was depressed because he missed me, why is he still depressed now?"
Jamie looked at him a moment and said, "I think there's a lot more going on than that."
"I don't understand any of this," Micah said, and went home to check on Dune.
Just love him, everyone said, just give him time; so Micah put aside his own impatience and did just that, as best he could.
***
Kitty's first birthday was in April, so Rebecca invited Shiloh and Micah and whoever they wanted to bring to Santa Cruz for a picnic at the beach. Micah picked up cupcakes from the Gallaghers' bakery, and Dune bought her a play computer for toddlers. "I think Uncle Dune's her favorite," Rebecca said with a laugh as Kitty pounded the keys and made startled faces as the computer mooed and meowed at her.
When the baby was asleep under the beach umbrella, worn out with cake and excitement, everyone but Micah and Rebecca we
nt for a walk down by the water line. Rebecca patted Kitty's back and watched the waves, leaning her head on her knee. "Is it just me," she said, "or are Aidan and Shiloh kind of . . . quiet today?"
"It's not just you," Micah said. "I wonder if they had a fight."
