by Jenna Jones
Chapter Twenty-One
It was the small hours of the morning when they finally got back to the apartment. Dune fell into bed and Micah followed, neither bothering to undress completely. Micah woke to the phone ringing, far earlier than he would have liked. "This had better be good."
He heard a sniffle and Shiloh said in a small voice, "Can I come over?"
Micah woke up completely and said, "Yes, of course. Do you want me to get you?"
"I'm, um, actually already here," Shiloh said. "I'm calling you on my cell. Can I come up?"
"Yeah, yeah, of course. Come on up. Just be warned it was a long night last night and I'm tired and cranky."
"Oo, I'm scared," Shiloh said dryly and hung up. Micah hung up too and got out of bed to stretch, hissing his breath when the movement hurt his sprained fingers. Dune was still asleep, so Micah bent and kissed his forehead, put on fresh clothes and went to answer the door when Shiloh knocked.
She was wearing sweats and no makeup and her hair was scraped back in a ponytail. She hugged Micah tightly. "What's happened?" he said, closing the door behind her.
Shiloh paused, then said bluntly, "Aidan and I broke up last night."
"Oh, honey. I'm sorry. Do I have to beat him up? 'Cause I can. Probably." He held up his bandaged hand. "With the other hand, I probably can."
"You are not to touch Aidan -- and what happened to you?" She took hold of his hand and looked at him with dismay.
"I got into a fight. Don't worry. I won. What happened with Aidan? And let's get some coffee in you -- this feels like a long story." He led her to the kitchen and she shooed him into a chair.
"Let me do that. You rest your hand. It's not really that long a story: we had the relationship talk. He said he's ready to get married and I said I'm not. I mean, I'm barely twenty-one -- I want to finish college before I settle down. And I want to go to Europe like you did. I've been saving for it since I started school."
Shiloh had started the coffee while she spoke, and he said as she filled the water reservoir, "You told him all this?"
"Of course I did. We'd talked about it a little before." She took down mugs from the cupboard. "Do I need three? Is Dune here?" She put down the mugs and looked at Micah with wide eyes. "He's not the one you fought with, is he?"
"Oh, no," Micah said, shaking his head. "Never. He's fine. He's sleeping. He'll get some coffee when he wakes up. So what happened last night that made you break up, if you've talked about this before?"
Shiloh put sugar and creamer on the table, along with the mugs. "He said he loves me and loves being with me, but if we don't want the same things there's no point in going on. And he's right."
"Yeah," Micah said, thoughtful. "If you're not working together on your future you really don't have one."
Shiloh nodded miserably. "So how come I feel so bad? Last night we hugged each other and said we loved each other and there were tears in his eyes and he said he knew I'd be happy...and I feel terrible. I feel like an awful person. I feel like I used him. I feel like I broke his heart."
"For what it's worth, I don't think you used him. I think you two had a good relationship, but he's right: if you're not ready to get married, you shouldn't get married just because he wants to." He smiled to himself, thinking about how different his life would be if he'd let Lucas talk him into marriage -- and how different Dune's life would have been, too. As certain as Micah was that there would always be somebody to love Dune, that somebody may not have loved him enough -- or Dune might not even have let them love him that much, since he was so used to keeping people at arm's length.
But not me, he thought and smiled deeper.
Shiloh got the coffee pot and poured them both cups. "Whenever I imagined this I always thought it would be the other way around. I thought I'd find the man I wanted to marry and he'd still want to be free."
"Maybe if Aidan was younger he would be."
"Except you're younger and you're practically married yourself." She nodded to the closed door of the bedroom.
Micah spooned sugar into his cup, still smiling. "I suppose so."
"Yeah, look at you. You love him," she said smugly.
"Forever and always," Micah said. "Look...he was just your first boyfriend. He won't be your last. You're fantastic, and I'm not saying that just as your big brother."
Shiloh smiled into her cup. "Thanks, Micah. I suppose the best thing about this is I don't have to keep it from the parents anymore."
"Yeah." He sipped his coffee and added some cream.
Shiloh added hastily, "I'm not saying I think you should tell them about you and Dune. I think that's your decision and you have to do what's right for you. Whatever you decide I'll support it."
He smiled at her. "I know."
"Rebecca would say the same thing, I bet, too."
"I know," Micah repeated. "It's okay. I'll tell them. I...I want to tell them."
She put down her cup. "You do?"
"Yes." He flexed the fingers on his hurt hand, wincing a little. "I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of hiding. I want to tell them the truth about me and I'm ready to deal with whatever they throw at me."
"I'm so proud of you, honey," Shiloh said softly, smiling at him. "Do you want me to come with you when it's time?"
"I don't know," Micah said. "It might get ugly."
"Look." Shiloh put her hands on top of his. "If they kick you out, if they cut you off, I'm not going to stand for it. I'm on your side, Micah."
"I know you are. I know. I don't know what I'm going to say to them. I don't want people to take sides."
"Honey, we're going to take sides," Shiloh said frankly. "If Mom and Dad are going to be --" She pressed her lips together. "If they're going to be assholes about it --"
"Shiloh!"
"I'm serious! If they're going to be jerks about it then I'm going to choose my brother. It's not right." She shook her head, indignant. "I think they know it, too. I think they know in their hearts that it's stupid to hate people because of who they love."
Micah leaned back in his chair and looked at his sister, feeling like he was seeing her for the first time. "How did you get to be so awesome?" he said quietly.
She beamed at him. "I had you to show me how."
***
Micah went back to bed after Shiloh went home and curled himself around Dune. He kissed Dune's hair and laid his head against Dune's neck, smiling when Dune said sleepily, "Is she okay?"
"She's okay. She'll be fine. It's just first love." He nuzzled his nose into Dune's hair. "Dunie."
"Hmm?" Dune nuzzled him right back.
"There's one more dragon I need to slay for you."
Dune turned over enough to look at him. "What do you mean?"
"There's something I need to do that I've been putting off for much too long. I think I need to do it today."
Dune sat up against the headboard. "Micah, you don't have to -- you can pass me off as your best friend for the rest of our lives --"
"No," Micah said, shaking his head. "I'm tired of living a lie. I want to tell them. I need to tell them." He ran his hand over Dune's hair. "I need to tell them I love you."
Dune smiled and wrapped his arms around Micah, kissed him a few times and whispered, "I love you. And if you think it's time, then let's do it. I'll come with you. Unless you'd rather I didn't," he added, studying Micah's face.
"No, I want you to," Micah said slowly. "I'm going to need you afterwards, I think."
"Okay." He kissed Micah again. "We should get dressed."
"Yeah. Do this before church starts." Micah laughed dryly. "It'll really throw off Dad's sermon, but if he wants to rant about the evils of homosexuality again it'll be the perfect time."
***
Micah let himself and Dune into his parents' house and called, "Mom? Dad? It's me! I brought Dune!"
Ivy came out of the kitchen, in a pale pink suit for church services. "Micah! What a surprise. And your friend, how nice." She spotted his bandage an
d exclaimed, "Good heavens, what happened to you?"
"Hello, Mrs. Ferguson." Dune said, and thought, Maybe after today they'll finally remember my name. "Just a little accident. It's nothing."
"Um." Micah looked at Dune, and Dune smiled back in encouragement. "I wanted to talk to you. Where's Dad?"
"Spencer!" Ivy called. "Have you both eaten? I made sticky buns and the coffee's fresh."
"I don't think we're going to be here long enough for sticky buns," Micah said, and Dune thought Micah's face got paler when Spencer finally came out of his office.
"What's this about, Micah? I have a sermon to prepare," he said. He smiled tightly at Dune. "Mr. Bellamy."
"Mr. Ferguson," Dune answered.
"How about you two sit down," Micah said, and gnawed on the nail of his forefinger.
"Oh, Micah, stop biting your nails," Ivy said, but sat down in one of the wing chairs in the living room. Her posture was perfect, her ankles crossed -- Micah's mother was always a lady. Spencer took the other wing chair, and Dune noticed, not for the first time, the remarkable resemblance between father and son. They were both slight men who looked far more fragile and innocent than they were.
If only you knew, Dune thought as he watched Spencer. If only you knew how amazing he is, because you have raised one hell of a man.
"What is this about, Micah?" Spencer said, his face so serious Dune thought he'd already guessed.
"Okay," Micah said. "Um. Okay. You know I didn't date much in high school. I didn't date at all, really. Not until I was nineteen."
"Micah, you had a girlfriend and you never told us?" Ivy exclaimed.
"No," Micah said, shaking his head. "I had a boyfriend. Jamie was my boyfriend."
Both his parents were perfectly still, Ivy's face completely pale, Spencer's like stone.
Micah inhaled and went on, "I don't want to lie anymore. I didn't date girls because I didn't want to and I didn't know what else to do. But I met Jamie, and I made friends with Dune, and I met lots of other people who've --" His voice was shaking now, his eyes were wet --"who've shown me how to be what I am. How to be man." He paused, took deep breath, and said, "How to be a gay man."
Dune reached over and put his hand on Micah's shoulder, and Micah flashed a tiny smile at him.
Spencer said, "No."
"Dad --"
Spencer stood and put a hand on Ivy's shoulder. Ivy didn't even glance back at him. "No. Don't be ridiculous. My son is not gay. You are not gay. You're going to get married and have children and be normal!"
"No, I'm not, Dad," Micah said, sounding desperate. "I'm going to be with Dune. Maybe we'll adopt a baby or two in a few years --"
"Maybe we'll what?" Dune said, startled.
"But I'm not going to live that life you've picked out for me. I'm going to live my life, Dad. My life. With Dune."
Spencer said in a low voice, "Get out of my house."
"Dad, please don't be this way," Micah pleaded.
"Both of you. Get out. You come back when you've regained your senses, Micah Tobias Ferguson, and not a moment before. And you," he spat at Dune, "you -- you deviant --"
"Mr. Ferguson," Dune said, "please, don't do this. Don't toss Micah away. He's a good man and he loves you."
"I don't want your filth in my house!"
Micah looked down at his shoes, lips trembling, and then looked up again. "Dad," he said quietly, "Rebecca lives in Santa Cruz now."
"What?" Ivy whispered, moving for the first time since Micah started talking.
"Rebecca. Your daughter. The one you gave up on and threw away. She lives in Santa Cruz and she and Justin have a baby girl. She looks like you, Mom," Micah said. "She looks a lot like you."
"I told you to leave," Spencer said.
"I know. But I'm just saying, this is what you do. Something doesn't fit your vision and you get rid of it. Sometimes that's good, but when it includes your own children, don't you think you're being a little inflexible?" Micah swallowed. "If you're like this -- if you're inflexible -- you're going to lose us all."
"I said get out," Spencer repeated in nearly a whisper.
Micah sighed and nodded. He turned and took Dune's hand and led him out the front door. His hand was hot and shaking, and Dune squeezed it. Micah looked at him with a hesitant smile and then leaned against him as they walked down the drive to Micah's car.
"Here," Dune said, holding out his hand, "let me drive."
Micah nodded and handed over his keys, getting docilely into the passenger seat when Dune unlocked the door. He pulled up his legs and wrapped his hands around his knees as Dune pulled into the road and started the drive back to the city.
Finally Dune said, "Don't give up on them. It's a shock now, but things could change. And now that they know that Rebecca's closer -- well, anything could happen."
Micah's expression was somber. "I knew this is how it would go. I hoped I'd be wrong."
"Hey," Dune said and took his hand again, glancing away from the road a moment. "You've got me. You've got your sisters and you've got Leo and you've got all of us. You're not alone."
"I know." Micah smiled though his eyes were damp. He leaned back in the seat and looked out the window again. When he spoke again his voice was trembling: "Could we go to your dad's when we get back?"
"Of course," Dune said gently, and held onto his hand tight through the rest of the drive.
***
It must have been in Micah's face, what had happened, because the moment Leo opened the door he put his arms around Micah and held him close. "Oh, boys," he said softly and held out his arm to pull in Dune, too.
Dune leaned against him a moment, then said, "I'm fine, Dad," and patted Micah's back before moving into the apartment. Leo stayed in the doorway, holding Micah, and Micah was content to stay.
"I told them," Micah said and sniffled. "I told them everything. I told them about Jamie and Dune and me."
"I'm so proud of you," Leo said. "You did the right thing."
"Did I?" Micah said and wiped his face with the back of his hand. Over Leo's shoulder he could see Frances and Dune, Frances holding Dune’s face while he tried to reassure her. As Micah watched, Frances ran her thumb over Dune's lower lip, careful of the bandage, and Dune leaned their foreheads together and smiled.
"You did," Leo was saying. "No more lies, no more hiding. You can be who you are and not live in fear."
"Yeah," Micah whispered, then pulled out of Leo's arms. "I'm in love with your son."
Leo smiled and nodded. "I know. Come on. I'm making French toast. Does that sound good?"
"It sounds delicious," Micah said, following him into the apartment.
Frances held out her arms to him -- Dune was safe with Ocean now, looking a bit embarrassed at all the fuss -- and Micah went into them gladly. "Dunie told me what happened," she said. "Let me see your hand." Micah held up his injured hand and she made "tsk"ing noises as she gently patted it. "You shouldn't take risks like that! You should have gotten the bouncer right away."
"Some things are worth it," Micah said, looking at Dune. Dune smiled back at Micah and then went into the kitchen when Leo called to him. "Frances, I, that is, we --"
"I know, sweetheart." She smiled when Micah looked at her in surprise. "A mother knows these things. I keep meaning to talk to you," she said. "I keep thinking I need to tell you how to take care of Dune, but I don't, really, do I? You've got it figured out."
"I hope so."
She hugged him close again. "And don't worry about your parents. They'll come around. Where there's love there's forgiveness, so if you can find it in you to forgive them you'll be able to keep loving them."
Micah nodded and his eyes stung and he said, "Um, I have something in my eye," and escaped to the bathroom. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, feeling overwhelmed and drained by everything that had happened that day -- and it wasn't even noon yet. He ran some cold water and splashed it on his face and called, "Come in," when someone rapped on th
e door.
It was Dune, who put a hand on his back and rubbed it slowly. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm not," Micah said honestly and wrapped his arms around Dune's waist. "I feel like everything is just huge and heavy right now." He looked up at Dune. "How are you? Are you doing okay?"
"Yes," Dune said, sounding surprised at himself. "I feel pretty peaceful, all things considered. It doesn't mean I'll stop taking the antidepressants," he added.
