How dare she put me down again! “Actually, he kissed me first.”
I closed my eyes. I was being nasty, falling into her trap. “Mia, are you up?”
“I’m awake. I heard you talking. I’d rather stay here, but we did promise you we could go to a hotel.”
Jordyn grabbed her money belt from inside her sleeping bag. The blondes had instructed us to sleep with our money and shoes. “We’ll have to come back later to meet Markshane and Todd.”
“I don’t want to hang out with them,” I said.
“Ignore them like you did last night,” Jordyn said. “They should be here later.”
Mia frowned. “They seem okay.”
“I don’t like them,” I snapped.
“Who cares what you think?” Jordyn said.
“You should know.” I looked her in the eye. “He was a jerk when we made out.”
Jordyn turned to Mia. “See, she’s trying to ruin it for me.”
“I’m not,” I said shrilly. It was all a big fat lie. What I told them about my past. What I pretended to like. Who I said I was.
“Wow, Rebecca. You’re spazzing out,” Mia said.
I rolled up my sleeping bag. “I’m tired of lying. Why not tell them the truth about us?”
“Loosen up,” Mia said. “We’re going to the hotel for you.”
Jordyn clipped on her money belt. “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to go to a hotel. I’m sleeping here tonight.”
It was screwed up. She was punishing me.
“I’ll go back to the kfar,” I threatened. Mia would talk me out of leaving.
Jordyn kicked sand off her foot. “I’m staying here.”
I tried not to laugh.
“We can’t leave her alone. It’s not safe,” Mia said.
Didn’t Mia know Jordyn was bluffing? We wouldn’t have to walk far. As soon as we got to the street, Jordyn would pack up her sleeping bag. I picked up my backpack and sleeping bag.
Jordyn watched me in silence.
I looked at Mia. “Are you coming?”
“She’ll leave me stranded to get her way,” Jordyn said, still watching me.
“You go,” Mia frowned.
“I think I will.” I turned to Jordyn. “Tell Markshane I said bye.” I felt nauseous as I walked away. It happened again. Mia had abandoned me, leaving me friendless and alone. At the bus station, I bought my ticket and some postcards. As the bus pulled out, I remembered how Grace had finally abandoned me, too. I hadn’t been thrilled when she split her time between Emmy and me, but I remained positive. We still hung out together the weekends I wasn’t at Dad’s. So what if she had other friends? She was still the same loveable Grace whom I had known forever.
One Friday, she gave me an invitation I couldn’t refuse: shopping at the mall with her and Emmy. It was major! Emmy and Derrick were in the same clique. If Emmy got to know me, she’d probably stop smirking when Derrick humiliated me, and the rest of his entourage might follow.
The following day, Mom took me to the mall, and I eagerly browsed the racks at Macy’s while I waited. And waited. Grace didn’t call or e-mail, nor did she answer my texts. An hour later, I found Mom in the shoe department. I could tell Mom felt sorry for me as she drove us home and tried to make small talk. I’d called myself an idiot for expecting Grace to show and wondered how I could go to school and face her on Monday.
At the kfar, I went to my dorm. I wasn’t the same person I used to be. I could handle Mia’s un-friending. It was only temporary. I’d make new friends. Maybe I’d find a few of Jordyn’s. The pergola was empty. Okay. Being alone wasn’t that bad. I could take a hot shower and get some sleep.
“Becca, is that you?” Jake’s voice echoed. Strange that he was in our hallway, since there was nobody there. Maybe he was on his way somewhere else.
“Hey,” I smiled at him and opened my door. “What are you doing here?”
“Long story. You look scruffy. Where are Mia and Jordyn?”
“In Eilat. My hair reeks. Sand and smoke. Want to smell?”
He followed me into my room. “I need to talk to you.”
Before he started talking, I wanted to tell him I was over my paranoia of what everyone thought of me. “I have to tell you about Eilat.”
He followed me in. “Can I talk first?”
“After I take a shower.”
“Let me talk first. Puh-leez.” His charm drenched me like rain.
I sat down on my bed and slipped off my shoes. “Go.”
He sat down on Mia’s bed. “I’m being stalked.”
“Cute. You should hear what I did in Eilat.”
“Not kidding. You’re the only person I can talk to about this. I hooked up with Roni, and she’s been following me.” His eyes flinched like they did the day he had told me about his dad trying to make him go to college.
There were two Ronis at the kfar. Was it the one with glasses or the one who worked with Jordyn? “Which Roni?”
“The one who works with Jordyn.”
“How far did you go?” I wondered out loud.
“All the way.”
Didn’t he like it? “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“When I told the guys, they laughed.”
“So?” He didn’t have to brag to his friends.
“I picked the wrong girl.”
“How do you pick the wrong girl?” She must have expected more than his stay-away attitude.
“The guys said that I’m not anything great for getting her.” Jake stood up. “How do I get her to stop following me?”
“Tell her you’re sorry. Don’t treat her like a retard.”
“No. She might think we’re friends.”
Jake had lots of friends. Couldn’t he add one more? “Just be friends with her and leave it at that.”
“I don’t want to be her friend.”
“If being friends is too hard, try it with someone you like.”
He looked down. “I deserve that. Think I’m heartless?”
Jake definitely wasn’t heartless. If he was heartless, he would have told Roni off in front of his friends and laughed about it. No, he was just trying to save face. Then again, Roni was being dissed, and Jake felt bad because he knew he was being a jerk. It was a bad situation that couldn’t be resolved easily.
“You’re thinking about what I did,” Jake said. “Everybody else would answer yes or no. You know it’s more complex.”
‘Course, I was thinking about it. He only wanted to be somebody in front of his friends. He was just like me. How many things had I done to look cool for Mia and Jordyn? But that wasn’t who I had to be. And it wasn’t who he had to be.
“Think about who you want to be,” I said. “Isn’t that what you meant at the Dead Sea?”
He nodded and walked towards my bed. I’m sure he got what I implied because his face softened. “Why are you back alone?”
“Let’s see. Got kicked out of Avi’s cousin’s house, made out with a guy, and slept on the beach. Oh yeah, and decided I don’t care about what they think anymore.”
“What?” He sounded skeptical.
“Jordyn’s mad at me for kissing the guy she wanted. Too bad. I left early cause I didn’t want to hang out with her anymore.”
“You made out with another guy?”
“Met him, and a few minutes later…” How ironic. Jake had done the same thing the day I thought we would hook up.
“I can’t believe you had a random hookup.”
“I lied about my age and drank beer. Think I’m innocent?”
“That isn’t you. What line did he use?”
“No lines.”
“Come on, he talked.”
“The typical stuff. ‘Here’s my jacket.’” I pictured Jake and me kissing on my bed. That hookup had meant so much to me, and sitting there talking to him, it still did. “You know what I mean.”
He nodded. “Exactly.”
I froze for a moment. He was staring at me, like he had something he n
eeded to say. “I stopped him because you know how I am.”
“Saving yourself for the right guy. Whoever gets you first is gonna be lucky.”
I looked at his hair. It had darkened into a caramel color after the hot weather had turned cool. “By the way, since we’re confessing, what are your lines?”
“I didn’t use lines on you.” He leaned over. “You’re my friend.”
His face was so close. I could see light reflecting off his eyes.
“Best buddies.” I said.
“You’re the one I like, Rebecca.”
I closed my eyes. Those words felt so good I wanted to taste them.
“Spend Wednesday night with me,” he said. Wednesday was our last night at the kfar. It was a week away, after Hanukkah break and our final exams.
A warm feeling shot through me. Us together. It would be meaningful. We had something. He confided in me. But there was more to it than being friends. He had picked up on my cover-up and somehow figured out it wasn’t who I wanted to be, then called me out on it. I might not have let the real me shine through if he hadn’t confronted me at the Dead Sea.
“Don’t answer me now,” he said. “You decide how far we go. And don’t pretend we never had this conversation.” He got up, walked out of my room, and left the door open.
~ * * * ~
There was an overcast sky the day after Jake’s proposition. I figured it would rain, so I moved the bucket under the spot where our dorm ceiling leaked. At breakfast, Jake and Ben waved to me as soon as I got to the dining hall. When I sat down next to Jake, he handed me the chocolate hazelnut spread. “I saved you the last bit.”
“For me?”
“My old—I mean, my new—best buddy,” Jake said.
“Is Mia behaving herself?” Ben asked.
“Mia would never cheat. She tells every guy about you.” I spread the remaining chocolate on a soft roll and watched Jake. “Did you tell him why I came back early?”
Ben smiled. “Cat fight.”
“That’s part of it.” Mia could fill him in on her side later. “Do we have to go to work today? Every other school in Israel is off until Hanukkah ends. Can’t you make an exception?”
Ben laughed. “Are we at a prep school?”
Jake poured tea into my cup. “Becca’s going to cram for finals at work. Such a demanding job. Polishing floors.”
“I work hard scrubbing floors and love every single second of it. I don’t get a free pass when it rains like you do.” Rain meant no irrigation for Ben or banana picking for Jake.
Jake raised his eyebrows at me. “You want to study for our history exam together?”
“Nah. I’m fine by myself. We can compare answers on Wednesday.”
“In your room,” Jake said. “Sure.”
“I didn’t say in my room,” I clarified. I hadn’t made my decision about the hookup yet.
“What are you two talking about?” Ben said.
“Nothing,” I said.
“Wednesday’s our last day here,” Ben said. “Oh, I get it. You’re planning something in her room.”
“Shut up,” Jake said.
“If he’s good, he might be allowed into my room.” I smiled, not caring what Ben thought.
Jake yanked my sleeve. “Looks like you’re done. I’ll walk with you.”
I tossed the crust of my chocolate sandwich in the garbage pail. “Later, Ben.”
On the grass, I walked next to Jake in silence. Telling Ben to shut up proved he was looking out for my feelings. “I hope it pours,” I finally said. “You could use a day off.”
He stopped short. “I won’t brag to the guys. It’s between us.”
“That isn’t my worry, anymore,” I said. He was working hard to gain my trust. I liked that.
Jake grinned.
“I haven’t made my decision yet. Let me think about it in peace.” I had so many questions. How would the hookup change our relationship? Would it be a one-time goodbye thing? Or the beginning of a serious relationship? If only I knew how he saw it.
More importantly, what did I want? We brought out the best in each other. I wanted to show him how much I cared, for sure. The sparks between us were already electric. It’d be an amazing hookup.
“Bye,” he said.
“Only one week till Wednesday,” I yelled over my shoulder. But I had been salivating over him for months, wanting us to be in an exclusive relationship. Was that what I still wanted?
“Rebecca.”
I almost tripped on the pergola when I saw Avi leaning against the ledge where Ben always smoked. “What are you doing here?”
“I asked where the American Rebecca lived. What’s the word for can’t wait… anxiety?”
Shira had called him. “The suspense,” I translated.
“The suspense is killing me. Is it true you behaved badly?”
I sat down on the ledge. “It was Jordyn. Did Shira call your parents?”
“Ken. Mom and Dad don’t believe her.”
That didn’t make sense. Shira was part of their family. “Why?”
“Her parents think she’s crazy because she says she doesn’t want to get married. They hate her friends.”
“Tell your parents she’s not exaggerating.”
Avi’s lips separated like he was about to say something.
“I should have told my friends to stop. Everyone makes mistakes, ken?”
“Where did you sleep?” he asked.
“Beach.”
“Like a sabra. Not afraid to try something new.”
“I hated it. The sand in my ears.”
He half-smiled. “But you liked Eilat?”
“Ken. I love the beach and seeing all the Hanukkah decorations. It’s not like this at home.”
“It’s the only place you will see it. Are you happy to be going home next week?” he asked.
I was excited about seeing my parents, but I dreaded going back to school. “I’ll miss Israel and my friends here.”
“You have plans now?”
I smiled. He was asking me out on a real date. “I can’t. I have to work now. Walk with me to dorm eight.”
As we walked, I wished I could somehow fold him into my life at home. Once we got there, I stopped at the dirty pergola. “This is it. See you on Sunday.” I kissed his cheek, knowing Sunday would be a final goodbye because of the millions of miles between us.
The cleaning supplies in the dorm office were stacked in order of operation: toilet brushes up front, squeegees in the back. I headed to the bathroom, wondering if Mia and Jordyn had decided to skip work. One absence wouldn’t impact their records, because we didn’t have any unexcused absences, thanks to Ben. In the bathroom, I stepped over manure squashed on the floor. The boys who worked with the cows tracked it in. I sprinkled Comet-like cleaner into the toilet and scrubbed.
“Hey,” Mia’s voice said from the other side of the toilet stall. “Irina’s on the grass.” Our work supervisor checked up on us exactly five minutes after our shift began.
I swung the door open. Was our friendship over? The old me would have apologized for leaving, but I wasn’t willing to do that anymore. I wasn’t sorry for standing up for myself. “Hey.”
“Markshane and Todd stood us up,” she said.
I cracked a smile. “Jordyn must have been pissed.”
“After you left, she said you didn’t have a personality. I kept thinking Rebecca’s herself. She’s quiet and funny.”
I flushed the toilet. “And she’s a nice person.”
“I’m sorry for telling you to loosen up. You didn’t have to stay because I did.”
I handed her a paper towel. “It’s okay. I was kind of dramatic about it. Your turn to pick up the manure.”
“Eww.” She bent down and slopped it up with a paper towel. “I knew you’d end up my best friend after you helped me on that first hike.”
I poured clean water behind her. Even though she was sloppy, I let her mop first because it was
her favorite part. She pulled the green squeegee handle and pressed the clip together. “We should, like, go to college together. We could be roommates again.”
Friends after the kfar? Guilt gnawed at me. Friends didn’t lie to each other; they talked to each other about real things. I only talked to her about real things when it worked in my favor. I picked up my squeegee for the final wipe.
“I’m calling my parents tonight to tell them about our plan,” Mia said.
She had no idea I was just a poser. How long could I keep it up? I let go of my wet squeegee, which wobbled. “I have something to tell you.”
Mia picked it up. “Wouldn’t it be fun to be college roommates?”
My mouth went dry. This was my last chance. I’d never tell her if I didn’t try to utter the words. “I need to tell you something.”
She was still holding the squeegee. “Are you okay? Your eyes are watering.”
I hadn’t realized my eyes were tearing up. “I was a loser at home. I had no friends.” It hurt to remember it, and it hurt to say it.
She handed me a rag. “Stop kidding.”
“I’m not kidding.” I had done a good job lying. “If you had known me, you wouldn’t be questioning it.”
“You don’t seem like a loser.”
I stopped for a second, unsure if I could tell her the rest.
“What is it?”
“I tried to kill myself.” The words came out faster than I had expected.
“Now you’re scaring me.”
“It’s the truth.” I wiped the back of my hand on my nose.
“But you’re normal.”
My shoulders perked up. Normal was good. Mom and Dad said I wasn’t crazy. If I was crazy, they would have locked me up in a mental ward.
“How’d you do it?”
“Shalom. You are not done?” Our supervisor, Irina, asked in a thick Russian accent. She frequently snuck up on us. “I want to talk about… insults.”
We usually spent fifteen minutes of work teaching her English. It was a win-win situation. We got an easy job, and she improved her English.
I listened to Irina hum in Russian, waiting for us to answer.
“I’m here, if you ever want to talk about it,” Mia said. She looked at Irina’s short black hair. “Imbecile means somebody stupid. Say imbecile.”
Chapter 20
Next Year in Israel Page 17
