Scrambling out from under him, Beth stumbled to the other side of the room, towards the door, away from him. He followed her movement, turning his body, his face still a mask of astonishment.
“What?”
Beth rocked her head rapidly from side to side as all the cold in the world seemed to seep through her skin, straight into her marrow.
“You’re lying,” she said again, her voice giving the slightest tremor.
Cole gawked at her for so long, she wondered if he’d been frozen in place by the same chill paralyzing her. His disbelief was a much slower shake of his head.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Pain twanged through her the way sound vibrated through metal when it was struck with something heavy with a resounding clang.
“I saw you.”
Chapter Seven ~ Cole
Every fiber in Cole’s body ached with the need to go to her, to draw her into his arms and smother the pain coiling off her like heat waves. The raw anguish drawing her slender shoulders up around her ears cut at him in a way that should have been impossible. His mind spun with possibility after possibility of all the things he could have done to make her look at him as though he’d singlehandedly torn out her heart. Yet he could think of nothing.
“Saw me … what?” he said at last. “What did I do?”
Her lips trembled before she mashed them together. Green eyes shot past him to the bed before bouncing back. Then she turned on her heel and hurried from the room in a flurry of dark hair and pale skin. Cole followed her, refusing to let the matter drop.
She stood in the sitting room, arms a tight shield wrapped around her midsection. She had placed the sofa between them and he stayed on his side.
In the kitchen, his phone chirped, alerting him it was time to head out the door if he was to make it to work on time. He ignored it.
“Beth, talk to me,” he urged.
Whatever nightmare was plaguing her, kept her from meeting his gaze. She looked at everything but him. The bright shine in her eyes kicked him in the gut.
“I came back,” she whispered finally in such a whisper that it was no more than the movement of her lips forming the words.
“What?”
He dared himself a single step closer. He told himself it was because she was talking too softly, but he knew it was because his heart was cracking too loudly for him to hear her properly.
Green eyes finally rested on his, bright with accusation and sorrow. “I came back,” she repeated, a touch louder. “That day. I came back.”
Cole felt as though someone had torn the rug out from under him. “What?”
She averted her eyes to the lamp on the end table. “I took a cab to the bus station and I waited in the terminal for five hours. There was a storm that day and the buses were running late. I sat there, watching the door for five hours waiting for you to come get me…” Her bottom lip quivered and his insides wrenched. “When the bus arrived, and you didn’t, I got on. There was an hour delay because some tree had been torn down by the winds and it was blocking the road. I sat there, looking out the window at that crappy motel across the street from the bus station.” She raised her attention to him. “You know the one we stayed at that summer when we came up to see Lily?”
Cole knew. He nodded.
She nodded as well. “I remembered how we raided the candy machine and spent the whole day in bed, and how you made me laugh with the stories of you and Lily as kids.” Her eyes darkened wistfully. “I sat there asking myself why? Why was I leaving when I loved you so much? So, I got off the bus. I took a cab home, expecting you to be there. But you weren’t.”
Cole’s stomach soured even before she finished, before she met his gaze with barely suppressed anger. He knew what was about to come next and he felt physically sick.
“Mr. Cartwright from downstairs told me he saw you head over to Billy’s,” she went on, her voice louder, tighter. “So that’s where I went. I had this whole speech prepared in my head. I was going to tell you I love you and I wanted nothing more than to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Stop.” The single plea tore from him in tatters.
She ignored him. “Do you know what I saw when I got there?” She didn’t even wait for him to answer. “Cora Kennedy straddling you.” She broke off, her jaw muscles tense. “I wasn’t gone a whole day and you were already tongue-locked with another woman.”
“That’s not what happened.” His voice sounded pathetic and weak even to his own ears.
An eyebrow rose in feigned disbelief. “You weren’t kissing her?”
“Yes.” He quickly put his hands up when she opened her mouth. “I kissed her. I’m not going to lie to you, because I have never lied to you. But when you left, I was pissed and I was hurting bad. I felt like you just tore my heart out and stomped all over it and I didn’t deserve that. And then you just left, like the last two years had been nothing. I went to Billy’s that afternoon fully intent on drowning myself. By three o’clock, I was wasted and still pounding ‘em back. That’s how Cora found me, and when she kissed me out of sheer pity…” He lowered his head, guilt a heavy mallet hammering into his gut. “I let her. I might have even kissed her back. But it didn’t go further than that. It barely lasted a minute. I couldn’t do it. All I could think about was getting home and praying you’d be there. I somehow wound up at Sloan’s instead. Lily fixed me up a bed on the sofa and I spent the night there.” He paused, searching the suspicion on her face. “You can ask anyone. Ask Cora. Ask Lily, or Sloan. Hell, ask the whole damn town. There hasn’t been another woman since you.”
The anger was gone, but the empty uncertainty was somehow infinitely worse.
“Am I proud of what I did? No. Would I change it if I could? Yes. But I waited for you, Beth. I waited for three years before I moved in case you ever came back. I still haven’t changed my phone number in case you decided to call. I never gave up on you the way you gave up on us.”
A tear shivered on her bottom eyelid before tumbling down her cheek.
“You never came for me, either,” she whispered.
Exasperated, Cole threw his arms open wide. “What do you want from me, Beth? Why can’t I ever do anything right when it comes to you? I tried for two years to prove to you that I’m not your dad. That I’m not your mom, or that fucking douche bag, James. I loved you, respected you, and cherished the ever loving fuck out of you. All I wanted was for you to let me spend the rest of my life with you. Maybe that was just too unbearable. I don’t know. Maybe I was the only one stupid enough to think I couldn’t live without you.”
“Cole…”
He put his hand up, stopping her before she could say another word. “I get it okay? I made a mistake. But you walked out first. You broke my heart first.”
He left before she could stop him. Maybe it was weakness, but damn if he cared just then.
The streets were lined with people on their way to work. Most waved and Cole offered them a barely perceptible nod in return as he hurried to the office. He’d forgotten his coat and the cutting chill of approaching winter slipped beneath his blazer to freeze his shirt against his skin. Cole mentally kicked himself for acting so rash. Everything he needed, his keys, phone, and briefcase sat on the counter at home and he was too much of a coward to go back and get them.
“Hey, Cole!” Lisa Fields smiled widely from behind the glossy counter of Ma’s diner. “Coffee?”
Exhaling deeply, Cole crossed the worn expensive of the room to perch on the stool overlooking the register. It wasn’t the greatest seat in the house, not even the second greatest, but it was elbow to elbow with the pastry display.
“Yeah.”
Lisa dug out a clean mug, all the while eyeing him. “Everything all right?”
Knowing better than to ever discuss his personal life with people not in his family, Cole gave her his best smile.
“Sure thing.”
Her smile was
sweet as she slid his cup to him. “You sure? You seem down.”
He said nothing as she poured him coffee. He drew the steaming substance of life’s greatest meaning to him and inhaled the dark roast.
“I’m just wonderful,” he lied fluidly. “Must be the weather outside.”
Her brown eyes lifted over his head and she scanned the span of gray stretching far over their tiny town. She clicked her tongue.
“I can understand that.” Her focus returned to him. “Want a slice of pie?”
Cole laughed. “Too early for that.” He bit his lip, tapped a finger over the rim of his mug. “Wouldn’t say no to a piece of cake, though. To go.”
He sipped his coffee idly while she boxed up a sliver of his favorite chocolate cake. People came and went and he continued to sit there, nursing his lukewarm drink and contemplating just how to go about his day without going home.
“Lisa?”
In the process of refilling the coffee machine, Lisa looked up. Her brown eyes were wide with question as she dusted off her hands on her apron and hurried over.
“More coffee?”
Cole shook his head. “No, thanks. I was actually hoping I could use your phone.”
Blinking in surprise, Lisa shrugged her round shoulders. “We’re not really supposed to, but…” She reached under the counter. “If you don’t let Ma see you, I don’t see why not. She’ll have my hide if she knew I let a customer use it.”
“I’ll be real quick,” he promised as she slid the clunker over to him; the thing still had a cord attaching the receiver to the base.
True to his words, his phone call took all of five minutes. Yet it took Lily an hour to walk through the doors of Ma’s, Willa in tow and his briefcase, keys, and phone in her hand, with a glower darkening her face.
“Would you care to explain why you couldn’t go to your own apartment?” she snapped, slamming his things down on the counter in front of him.
She lifted Willa up onto the stool next to Cole and continued to stand, watching him, waiting for an explanation.
Cole nudged his cake box over to the girl, only to have Lily slap a hand down on it and thrust it back.
“It’s eight in the morning, McClain. You are not giving my daughter chocolate cake for breakfast.”
Cole frowned at her. “It’s noon somewhere.”
“Not here it ain’t,” she shot back. “Now are you going to answer me, or do I have to beat it out of you?”
Cole rolled his eyes. “I wish I could say you weren’t always this bossy.”
An accusing finger jabbed him in the shoulder. “I have things to do today. I don’t have time to be running around doing your crap.”
“I’m sorry, all right?” He slouched low over his mug. “I just couldn’t go back.”
Her eyes narrowed. “’cause of Beth?”
For several hard heartbeats, he did nothing but stare at his own forlorn expression rippling at the bottom of his drink.
“I fucked up, Lil.”
They walked together to the office. Cole let them in and shut the door behind them. Lily hoisted Willa up onto the sofa in the waiting area and pulled out a ratty old coloring book and a Ziploc bag of crayons from her purse.
“Wait right here, okay?” she told the girl, brushing a kiss to the top of her head. “I just need a minute with Uncle Cole.”
Willa nodded and tore open the bag.
Lily quickly locked the front door, brushed a quick hand over her daughter’s hair, and moved into the back where Cole was rounding his desk. She left his office door open as she took a seat and stuffed her purse into her lap.
“Okay, spill.”
When you’ve been best friends with someone for as long as Cole had been friends with Lily, it was a rare thing to keep secrets. There had been one between them in their twenty-five years of friendship and that secret had been Calla. There had been none since, or before. The incident with Cora was never a secret. He hadn’t kept it quiet just to save his own skin. But the moment he had pushed her off him, it hadn’t mattered. It hadn’t filled him with relief or passion. If anything, it had left him feeling empty and cold. Not telling Lily wasn’t intentional.
“You kissed Cora?” Lily blurted in outrage.
“I was drunk,” he stressed. “I was pissed and I was hurt, okay? I didn’t set out to do it. Also, she kissed me.”
“What the hell were you thinking, Cole?” she snapped. “No wonder Beth’s furious with you.”
“I wasn’t thinking,” he said. “I was drunk, remember? I love Beth. You know that.”
“Then why didn’t you go after her? Stop her from leaving?”
It was the same question he’d asked himself a million times and every time, he got the same answer.
“Because I didn’t want to stop her.” His chin brushed his chest as he stared down at his lap. “I was so fucking angry. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was the way she had jerked back like I just smacked her. I have never felt so rejected. Truth be told, if she hadn’t left, I probably would have.”
“Cole…”
He shook his head. “But I never hated her. Not even then. When I went to Billy’s, all I wanted was to forget the whole fucking thing. Cora asked me why I was drowning my sorrows at three in the afternoon. I think she kissed me out of pity. How the hell was I supposed to know Beth would come back?”
“So why won’t you go back to your apartment?” Lily asked.
“Because I can’t face her after what I did.”
He didn’t need to look to hear the frown in her tone. “So you’re just going to run?”
Cole’s head came up, his brows furrowed. “What the hell am I supposed to do, Lil? I did exactly the one thing I swore I would never do to her.”
“And what’s that?”
“Cheat. Betray her. Abandon her.”
“That’s three things.”
He knew she was trying to make him feel better, but the tease bounced straight off the thick wall of guilt cocooning him.
“Her dad used to cheat on her mom,” he murmured quietly. “Like all the time. She refused to leave him. Instead, she turned to prescription drugs. Beth was ten. When she was fifteen, her dad left. Her mom was strung up on cocaine by then. Beth was completely alone to raise herself. It was around that time she met a boy at school, James. He promised her the one thing she never had … love. Only the minute he got what he wanted, he pretended she didn’t exist anymore.”
“Bastard!” Lily hissed through her teeth.
Cole nodded. “Yeah, well, that was the same year her mom OD’d. She came home from school to find her dead on the kitchen floor. She was taken into foster care for the next three years. Then she met me.” He drummed his fingers on the table, restless, needing to get up and pace, but having no room. “I swore that I would never hurt her like that. That I would never leave her. I wouldn’t even sleep with her for the first seven months, determined to show her that that wasn’t all I wanted. Then I went and did exactly what I promised never to do.”
“That’s not fair, Cole.” Lily reached across the desk and set her hand over his. “Yeah, what you did was really stupid, but it’s not entirely your fault either. Beth has to know how much you love her.”
“Doesn’t matter.” He withdrew his hand out from under hers. He scrubbed them fiercely over his face. “She won’t ever forgive me.”
Lily sat back a moment. Her chair creaked with the shift in weight. She studied him through narrowed eyes, her head tilted ever so slightly to one side. Then she rose, her purse in one hand. Cole blinked in surprise by the sudden movement.
Without a word of warning, she reached out with her free hand, snatched up a folder off his desk and smacked him upside the head.
“Hey! What the fuck?”
The folder was waved at him menacingly. “That’s for you being such a baby!”
“What—?”
“Shut up!” she snapped at him, making him instantly snap his mouth shut. �
�Now you listen to me, McClain. Are you listening?”
He glowered at her. “You told me to shut up.”
Lily rolled her eyes. “Don’t be a smart ass. This is serious. I will not have such a sissy as a best friend, do you understand? That girl out there.” She whipped the folder to the front of the office. “If she’s the one you love as much as you claim, then you need to fight for her. You need to prove to her that she’s the only girl in the world for you and that you will never, ever do anything that stupid again. I’m not finished!” she barked when he opened his mouth. “Beth loves you. It was clear the minute I went to the apartment to get your things. She was a mess. A girl doesn’t get that way over a guy she doesn’t care about anymore. So you are going to do the right thing. You are going to fix this.”
Cole waited a heartbeat before raising an eyebrow. “Am I allowed to speak now?”
Lily straightened. She lowered her folder wielding arm. “Yes.”
He rose so they were both standing. “I’m not sure I want her back, Lil.”
It was as though he’d just declared something impossible and ridiculous. Her head jerked back and dropped to one side as she regarded him through squinted eyes.
“I don’t understand.”
Of course she wouldn’t. This was a woman who was insanely in love with the man she married, who was happy and couldn’t imagine a different life.
“She recoiled when I asked her to marry me,” he said softly. “Literally flinched like I just asked her to take a shit on my chest.”
Lily cringed. “Oh God! Ew!”
Cole waved a hand at her. “Exactly like that.”
Lily shook her head. “Okay, so she doesn’t like surprises. But she came back. She probably just needed a minute to think.”
“Six hours,” he corrected. “She was gone six hours.”
“So what?” Lily threw her hands up into the air. “The girl has the right to think about making life altering decisions like that. But the point is, she came back to you.”
Cole shook his head. “I don’t want to just live with her. I want to be with her in every way possible. I want to have a family with her.”
Bye-Bye Baby Page 9
