“Speak of the devil,” he says as I stare at Whiskey, the guy standing next to her and… the little girl holding her hand. It’s the same girl in the pictures I saved from Dhara’s profile.
Every hope I had about staying with my girl dissipates rather quickly. I know deep in my heart that the reason she’s avoiding me is because she’s in a committed relationship, despite what she told me, and was only with me yesterday to appease me. A reconciliation of our marriage is unlikely.
Turning away from the door and the look she’s giving me, I chug my beer and ask the bartender for another one.
“Hey man, don’t get drunk. I really do need you to play.”
“I’ll be good,” I tell him. “Do you have any sticks for me?” I have some in my bag back in my hotel room but I’m afraid that if I leave the bar, I’m not coming back.
“Yeah, I’ll make sure they’re with the kit when you get up there. See you in about thirty?”
“One last question, what are we playing?” Lee digs into his pocket and hands me the set list. I look it over, confident that I know all the songs. “I’ll meet you up there.”
Lee leaves me at the bar and I immediately wish I had followed him because Whiskey’s near me and being close to her is the last place I want to be right now.
And because I’ve had a little bit too much to drink, I can’t keep my mouth closed. “Well, look what the cat dragged in,” I say, taking a long pull off my bottle. I tip the bottle toward her boyfriend and smile.
“You’re drunk, Ajay,” she mutters through gritted teeth.
“Not yet but I’m thinking about heading in that direction really soon. Hey man, I’m Ajay, Whiskey’s friend.” I purposely leave out that I’m her husband because for all I know, she’s lying to him about me and as much as I’d love to air our dirty laundry, I’m not about to hurt her. Right now, I’m not sure I believe her about much of anything. Yesterday, she made it seem like they weren’t that serious but the little girl between them tells a different story.
This little girl… she’s fucking adorable and looks just like her mom with blonde pigtails and hazel eyes. She’s the same one from the photos I found on Facebook and subsequently saved on my phone. I didn’t want to believe Whiskey had a child because I knew that once I did my heart would seize, and sure enough the stabbing pain I feel is my heartbreaking. She smiles and shows me that she’s missing a tooth, but then turns shyly into her mom’s side. I get it, stranger danger. I’m all about it. Whiskey’s hand comes protectively around the girl’s shoulder, pulling her closer to her.
“She yours?” I look at Whiskey and ask one of the hardest questions I’ve ever had to ask her.
Whiskey’s eyes divert to her feet. I’m trying to hold it in, but my heart is fucking broken. Our child didn’t thrive when Whiskey was pregnant, but hers with another man did. I never thought I’d care as much as I do, but this is painful. I wipe away at the tears forming in my eyes and stand.
“Where are you going?” she asks, finally breaking the silence.
I point to the stage and clear my throat. “Lee asked me to play with the house band.”
“Oh great,” the guy with her says, “Jamie tells me you’re really good on the drums.”
Swallowing hard to get rid of all the emotions threatening to take over, I nod at the guy who has won the heart of the girl I’m in love with. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”
He offers me his hand to shake and as much as I don’t want to, I’m going to be a bigger man and suck up my pride. “I’m Logan.”
“Logan, right. Well I hope you enjoy the show.”
“I’m Evelyn,” the little girls voice rings out. “And today I get to come here because it’s kids’ day.”
I crouch down and gaze into the eyes of Whiskey’s daughter. “Well Evelyn, it’s really nice to meet you. I’m Ajay.” I shake her tiny hand and walk away as soon as possible knowing full well that if I say anything else, Whiskey will know she’s gotten the best of me.
24
Jamie
After Ajay left for Nashville, I didn’t mope. I didn’t sit around waiting for him to come back. I didn’t jump every time I heard a door slam or the phone ring. I went to work, earned money so I could help move us out of my parents’ house. I fought with my dad, who took every chance he could to tell me how I made the biggest mistake of my life when I married Ajay, and I sat with my mother, night after night, watching evening game shows and laughing at corny sitcom television shows. All the while, I was wondering what my husband was up to because the phone wasn’t ringing, he hadn’t checked in and the calling card he took with him hadn’t been used.
And then, finally, the phone rang. Only it wasn’t Ajay but a guy looking for him, and I asked him when he last saw Ajay. He told me where he was performing. My husband had gotten a gig and hadn’t called to tell me, hadn’t thought to share the news with me. To say I was hurt was the understatement of our short marriage.
I told my parents I was going to Nashville. I needed to be with my husband. My father had another idea, and presented me with divorce papers, saying it would be for the best. Maybe part of me felt the same way because I took them with me, but I was determined to support Ajay, to stand by his side while he traversed the music industry. This was his dream and I was going to help him succeed. Only that wasn’t what he wanted… and neither was I.
Walking into Bailey’s tonight, Ajay is the last person I expect to see. I looked all over the area for the Wrangler he drove yesterday and when I didn’t see it, I figured he had left, especially after I didn’t answer any of his calls or texts. I don’t know if I want him to leave or not, but I think it’ll be easier for me. My heart is torn and my resolve is breaking. Ajay’s getting the best of me and there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. After one week, I’m ready to jump all in with him and not look back, except I know I can’t make rash decisions… not when I have Evelyn to think about. She’s my one and only priority. And I’ve been hiding her from Ajay. Not because I’m ashamed, because I knew how he would react to seeing her.
As soon as the three of us stepped into Bailey’s and I saw Lee talking to someone whose back was to the door, my heart dropped. I knew instantly that it was Ajay. We should’ve turned around and left. I should’ve told Logan that I didn’t feel well, anything to get the hell out of there, but Ajay had spotted us and had seen Evelyn. There was nowhere to hide.
I fully expected Ajay to be a real asshole, but he wasn’t. He introduced himself as my friend, and when he spoke to Evelyn, I could hear the agony in his voice. He tried to hide his face from me, but I saw his tears. I wanted to hold him, and tell him all about Evelyn, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. For a moment, I was back in my bedroom, curled in fetal position with him holding me tightly, his tears mixing with mine as we cried over the baby we lost. I was one week shy of my second trimester and hadn’t felt very well. Dhara’s mother is a nurse so I went and saw her. When she couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat, she sent us to the hospital. The whole way there, Ajay told me that everything would be fine. That day, he never let go of my hand.
Fingers snap in front of my face and I come back to reality. “You still with me, Jamie?”
“Yeah, sorry, just really lost in thought.”
“Logan said he’s going to dance with me later,” Evelyn says from beside me.
“Is that so?”
She nods happily. “I’m the best dancer.”
“There’s no doubt about that,” I say to her, but my eyes are trained on the stage. I can’t recall the last time I saw Ajay playing the drums. I think it was a garage band or might have been someone’s summer party, but it was shortly after I lost the baby. We were so in love, but our hearts were broken. We wanted to use our loss as a fresh start, which is why he said he wanted to go to Nashville to land a good paying gig, to get us out of Bailey. I believed him.
Evelyn crawls over my lap and meets Logan at the end of the table. He takes her out
on the floor and swings her around.
From where our table is, I have the perfect view of Ajay. His hat is on backward and the flannel shirt he had on earlier is either on the floor or wrapped around his waist. I’m hoping for the latter. That was always my favorite look on him for some reason. Maybe because it made him look rugged. Ajay’s watching Evelyn and Logan on the dance floor. Every so often he looks in my direction, we make eye contact and he immediately looks away. We have to talk before he leaves because I want to explain - I want him to know that if he wants me, he has to love her, too.
“Phew, I’m tired.” Evelyn wipes her forehead with the back of her hand and starts to climb over my lap.
“Would you like me to move so you can get to your seat?”
“No thanks, I can do it.” And she does, but not before giving me a Charley horse.
“Do you want to dance?” Logan asks just as the lead singer tells us he’s going to slow things down a bit. Logan holds out his hand and I take it, appreciating the help in getting up since my thigh is killing me.
“Grandma and Grandpa are on their way. Don’t leave the booth, okay?”
“Okay, Mommy.”
With my hand in his, I follow Logan onto the dance floor. I don’t look at Ajay, I can’t. I’ve seen enough hurt in his eyes tonight to last me a lifetime.
“We need to talk, Logan.” He nods as we continue to sway to the music.
“I’m going to make this easy, Jamie. I’m deploying next week. The orders are really unexpected, but I’m needed overseas. I found out the other day, which is why I’ve been down here as much as possible. I wanted to show you and Evelyn a nice time before I went away.”
“Logan—”
“Jamie, I don’t want you to wait for me. I would never ask you to. I know your life is with someone else and I’m okay with that. I just want us to stay friends. I need someone to be the person I call when shit is bad.”
I nod and fight back the tears. “I’ll always be that person, Logan. Always.” He pulls me close and I nestle into the crook of his neck.
“I don’t want you to think I’m hurt because you’re in love with your ex. I get it.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not,” he says. “Knowing you and Evelyn has been the highlight of my life so far. Even if I wasn’t deploying, I’d step aside.”
Looking at him, he has me wondering why he would do that. “Why? What makes you think you can’t compete?”
He smiles. “When he was just a ghost, it was easy. I knew you had been through something earth shattering but I was willing to put your fragile pieces back together. For a couple of years, we’ve been at this relationship, neither of us willing to make a big move. It’s like you’ve always been present but never really here, until this week. I think on some level you always knew he’d come back.”
My feet stop moving even though Logan is trying to keep us dancing. His words replay over in my head and I find myself questioning them.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, it’s just that what you said there gave me pause.”
“He’s your soul mate, Jamie. I can see the connection between you. No one can compete with that.”
“Oh,” I reply as I start moving from side to side again. Once the song stops, Logan and I walk back to our table where my parents are now sitting. My dad’s sitting in my seat, forcing me to sit across from him where I can’t watch Ajay play.
“I thought he left town.” Dad motions toward the stage and even though I know better, I look over my shoulder at Ajay.
“Some of the guys are sick, so Lee asked Ajay to play.”
“I suppose he has to stick around for as long as possible, huh?”
“He wouldn’t, if you’d tell Harvey to knock his shit off,” I say.
“Don’t curse in front of Evelyn, Jameson,” Mom scolds.
“Yeah, Mommy. You’re not allowed to say bad words.” Great, everyone is ganging up on me. Logan decides now is the time to tell my parents that he’s leaving. My mom cries and tells him she’ll send him boxes all the time so all he has to do is tell her what he needs. My dad mumbles something about war and how it’s gone on far too long and needs to end. You won’t hear me complaining there. But it’s Evelyn who has all the questions. She doesn’t understand why he has to leave, why he can’t come see her for a long time, and why he has to go so far away that they can’t talk on the phone. Most importantly, she wants to know if he’s bringing her a present back and if he is, she asks if it will be a puppy or a kitty.
When Dhara and Fletcher show up, my parents decide it’s time to go and take Evelyn with them. The goodbye between Logan and Evelyn is sad and he asks her to send him lots of pictures so he can decorate his wall with her drawings. Fletcher is pissed that his friend is leaving and Dhara promises to take him to a concert when he comes back.
When last call is announced, the four of us get up and make our way outside where Dhara, Fletcher and Logan share a tearful goodbye.
“You ready?” he asks, motioning toward his car.
“I think I’m going to stay.” I look back at the door. Logan pulls me into his arms and kisses the top of my head.
“He’s one lucky guy. Do me a favor?”
“What’s that?”
“Keep me updated. If he doesn’t get his shit together, I’ll come back and beat his ass.”
I laugh into his chest. I have no doubt Logan will do exactly as he says.
“I’m going to miss you.”
He hugs me tighter. “I’ll email and text when I can.”
One more kiss and he leaves me standing in the parking lot. I wait for him to drive away before I contemplate going back into the bar. The guys from the band are starting to file out so I stand near the door, waiting for Ajay.
He’s the last one to come out and stops in his tracks when he sees me leaning up against the light pole. “You shouldn’t be out here alone.”
“I’m not alone if you’re out here with me.”
Ajay smiles and drops his head. When he stands up tall, the grin is gone. “It’s late. I have a plane to catch tomorrow so I’m going to go.”
I walk toward him, determined to keep him out here as long as possible. “I thought we could talk.”
“I don’t have a whole lot to say right now, Whiskey. I mean…” he pauses and breaks eye contact. When he hides his face, I know he’s fighting back his emotions.
I go to him and wrap my hand around his wrist, pulling his hand away from his face. There are tears in his eyes, tears that I know he’s shedding over our lost child.
“She’s five and the love of my life,” I start off with. “I had a one-night stand with a guy I met at a management conference. My boss took me, thought it would be a good idea to show me the ropes. This guy was in the bar. He bought me a few drinks… I was still broken from our relationship and it felt really good to feel something again. Her father, he knows about her and pays child support, but he’s married, has a family, and doesn’t want his wife to know. Evelyn asks about him all the time and I say nice things because I don’t know what else to say but when she asks what he looks like, I describe you.”
“Your boyfriend isn’t her father?”
“No, he’s not, and as of tonight, he’s not my boyfriend either.”
Ajay chokes back a sob. “You have a daughter, Whiskey. One who looks just like you and I sat there wondering—”
“What our baby would’ve looked like?”
He shuffles his feet instead of answering me, which is fine. I already know that’s what he was thinking because I’ve often thought the same myself.
“I’d like for you to spend some time with her… if you want.”
I expect him to jump at the opportunity but instead he steps away from me. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Whiskey.”
“Why not?” I step closer.
“Because I don’t want to get attached.”
25
Ajay
My fingers are digging into my thighs, surely poking holes in my pockets from the ache I feel on my legs. There’s so much rage building inside of me, mostly aimed at her daughter’s father. I know what it’s like to not have a father, to know the man who conceived you wants nothing to do with you, and I can’t fathom ever being that way with my own child. I don’t even know her daughter but I want her to be mine, to give her a set of parents that care, that love her. I know I’ll love her because she’s Whiskey’s, but the thought of loving her from afar isn’t the life I desire.
Right now, all I want to do is pull Whiskey into my arms and tell her that everything will be okay. In a few short months, I’ll be gone and she can go back to her life. At this point, it makes sense for Saul to file the appeal so we can just be done and both of us can move on. The fact that I’m standing here, thinking about being a father to a little girl that I just met is ridiculous. Whiskey wants to go through with the divorce. We want separate things from life. Hell, we live vastly different lifestyles. And the fact remains that I want her as my wife, but she wants me as an ex.
“What’s so wrong with getting attached, Ajay? I happen to think my kid is awesome.”
“I don’t doubt that she is, but you don’t want her close to someone like me, Whiskey. Once we’re divorced, I won’t come around again. I can see how me being here has messed up your life enough already.”
“What if I want you around?”
“Woman, you’re toying with my emotions here and it’s late, I’m tired and…” Behind me the door to Bailey’s opens and shuts, causing me to turn around. The guys coming out ask Whiskey if she’s okay or if she needs help. One guy sizes me up and the dude is big. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’d beat my ass, so I tell Whiskey I’ll call her later and head across the street to my hotel. It pains me to walk away from her, to leave her in the parking lot, but I’m confident her employees will protect her. When I get to the porch, I turn around and stare at the well-lit parking lot. She’s not there and I can only hope she in her car and on her way home or safe back inside Bailey’s with the doors locked behind her.
Fighting For Our Forever Page 16
