by KASI, MV
"I'm not crying baby. Mommy just has some dust in her eyes. You are the bravest boy in this whole wide world and I'm very proud of you," she smiled at him through her tears.
Mahi felt her old demons, grief and anger trying to rise within her, to take over her, and then send her back into that dark abyss, where there was no hope or purpose to her life.
Shuddering slightly, she excused herself and went to Samrat's parents to let them know she was leaving. She had come in her own car since Samrat had come early to help Ananya and others with the arrangements.
She saw that Samrat was still talking to some people and seeing the guests off. Not wanting to make him feel obligated, she left quietly without letting him know.
CHAPTER 26
When she got home, she showered and wore her night clothes before pulling out some of her son's photo albums. She watched them often, whenever she got reminded of something funny that Aryan did. She had also shown the pictures to Samrat.
Most of the time, she was happy and smiling while watching the pictures. Except on two occasions. On Aryan's birthday and on his first death anniversary. Each time, Samrat had been next to her, holding her and then listening to her talk endlessly about her son. She had done the same during Samrat's daughter's birthday and death anniversary.
She knew it for sure that Samrat had moved on. He was still sad about the deaths of his daughter and wife, but he had accepted them, and was ready to begin a normal healthy life and start another family.
Unlike her. She was still stuck in grief and anger while living a life of denial.
She was definitely holding him back.
She loved him a lot, but she would never take chances towards losing another child or feeling the pain and loss all over again.
The doorbell rang and she knew it was Samrat.
She put her album back into the shelf and opened the door.
Samrat looked tired and a little annoyed. "Why did you leave the party without letting me know? And why aren't you answering your phone?"
"I let your parents know that I was leaving. You were quite busy and I didn't want to disturb you. And my phone is getting charged."
Samrat rubbed his eyes and yawned, pulling her closer to hug her. "My mother and father enjoyed the party tonight and they were very excited with our gift—" he broke off and moved a few inches apart to look at her. "What's wrong Mahi? What happened? Did anyone do or say something to upset you?" he asked when she was being very quiet and unresponsive.
She shook her head and pulled him closer to hug him back. "No. Nothing happened. I'm just really tired, since it was a working day and we danced for a long time...I'm glad the party was a success."
"I wish you hadn't changed into your night clothes from that Sari. But then, if you hadn't, I would have started my seduction and probably been asleep halfway," he said, chuckling sleepily.
She wasn't in a mood to reply back with a teasing remark. She was still consumed by guilt since that evening. "Samrat...your parents want you to marry and have children soon. I think they want that desperately, and I saw how good you were with that toddler at the party. You would make an excellent father again someday."
Samrat smiled. "I do like children...especially their minds. It's pretty fascinating how they think and reason when all the rules and society influences haven't molded their minds yet. Anyway, you would be an excellent mother again too, Mahi," he said rocking them slightly.
She looked up at him, "I don't have your similar fascination towards small children, Samrat. I was never the kind to run towards a stranger's kid to chat them up or to play with them. I'm not very maternal by nature, and the only kids I loved were my own son and my nephew. And Rajeev too, since he was born in my house and I was there during his first eight years."
Samrat laughed. "Thank god you loved some children...you'll love our children too then," he teased and then groaned. "I'm too tired to start anything now...but is this talk about you letting me know that you would want to have a baby with me someday? Did seeing my married parents happy, make you see reason finally?"
She didn't reply.
Samrat's smile widened. "And here I thought, I will need to waste my wish to ask you to marry me. And then after a decent period of time, when I'm very bored of you, you would have my baby," he teased.
She didn't return his smile. "Samrat...I will never marry you and I will never ever have your child or anyone else's child in my lifetime."
Samrat's smile froze and he looked stunned at her matter of fact tone. "What?" he stared at her and then his arms dropped from her when he realized she was being very serious.
Her mouth began to water and her lips tingled, but not in a sensation for wanting to kiss. It was because she was getting the urge to lash out and say something extremely hurtful.
Dropping her arms from around him, she moved away to lean back on one of the walls."Did you think you were so special that you miraculously healed me? And made me change my decision about marriage or babies since the last year?" she asked, knowing very well that she was being deliberately hurtful.
She wanted to make him angry. Angry enough to lash out at her and then to storm out from her life.
Samrat looked at her coldly. "Actually yes. I did think that I healed you. Healed you enough to maybe make you change your mind about marriage and children. Because you healed me, and changed my mind."
She scoffed, even though her heart was breaking. She lashed out in another attack, which was her defense to hit him where he was the most vulnerable.
"Good for you then. Replace your dead wife and kid with another set. Preethi and her son are waiting. You can get two birds in one shot and later make several little add-ons to expand your family. And if you don't like that choice, then go buy yourself a bride who will breed your children. You still have your looks and plenty of money to pick from the best available stock."
Samrat looked furious and reached out a hand towards her. She automatically flinched and covered her head using both hands in a protective gesture.
Samrat froze in the act of reaching for his house keys on the wall peg above her.
When Mahi realized that there was no oncoming blow, she slowly looked up at him.
Samrat looked both shocked and furious. "What the hell did you just do?" he asked, as quietly as he could.
She felt foolish. Over the past year, even though she drove him crazy sometimes, not once did he raise as much as his pinky finger towards her in violence. And whenever she pushed him too hard, at most he yelled at her and she yelled back at him. Now, she felt stupid and didn't know what to say to him about her reaction.
"I-I was just...just—" she broke off not knowing how to distract him.
Samrat looked at her intently. "Your ex-husband. Did he hurt you?" he asked in a controlled tone.
Mahi was embarrassed, especially since she put on such a deliberately brave and cocky front in front of him. It had become a natural persona since the last year, and she had always been that way most of her life except during her marriage.
She was ashamed that her ex-husband had eventually driven the bravado and cockiness out of her, along with her confidence and pride.
Samrat held her chin and she still flinched slightly before looking into his face.
"Were you physically abused by your husband?" he asked her specifically.
She tried to turn away, but his hand held her chin firmly while watching her face very carefully.
She felt the sting behind her eyes and knew she was about to have a breakdown. "He didn't hit me hard enough to hurt or show! But it hurt my pride and made me feel worthless. Are you happy? Do you want to go pat him on his back for being able to tame the bitch! Breaking her!" she shouted.
Samrat was bracing himself even though he guessed the answer already. But when she confirmed it, his heart still stopped and clenched painfully. When it started beating again, he felt different emotions overwhelm him. Anger, disgust, protectiveness, love and the strangest of all— j
ealousy.
"No. I'm not happy. Far from it. Your ex is a disgusting animal. Why didn't you tell me everything about how it was during your marriage?" he demanded.
She sniffed and angrily brushed away her tears with the back of her hands. "I hate talking about it. I was a doormat then and I promised myself to never be one again."
He held her arms. "No one expects you to be a doormat. Over the past year since we have been together, I've always treated you with respect and as an equal partner. You know damn well I can never lift a finger to hurt someone defenseless or weaker."
She didn't answer. She knew he was right, but her head was too messed up since that evening.
The feeling of jealousy persisted with him. "Did your friends know about what you had been through? Did you tell them about the physical abuse?" he asked softly.
Mahi knew where he was going with the questioning. "Yes," she muttered and grimaced.
He was quiet for a few seconds.
"Why Mahi? Why them and not me? Have I ever given you an opportunity to think I could not be trusted with your secrets? I've told you about my wife, my daughter and even my dreams for our future. I bared myself for you. I thought you had done the same with me. Why didn't you tell me everything?" he asked her intently.
She was almost tempted to blurt out a flip comment about him sounding like an overwrought emotional girl and to maybe man up a little. But she knew what he had asked was something she thought about as well. Why hadn't she bared it all to him? Tell him about how her son had always been sick until he eventually passed away?
She looked at the floor like it held answers. "Maybe because...even though I trust you completely with my body, I don't trust you with my heart," she half lied. Then she looked up at him. "I shouldn't have started this thing with you...It was a mistake."
Samrat's expression slowly changed from agonized to desperation. Helpless panic rose within him as he felt her trying to slip away from him and his life.
He clung to her. "Stop it. I know you very well. You don't lash out at me with nonsense, unless something happened to scare you again. And what happened during your marriage definitely did not break you. You are a survivor and a fighter! You wouldn't have started a relationship with me if you were still scared of being with another man. It's something else that has scared you. Is it something to do with Aryan? Tell me what it is. Don't shut me out. Talk to me!" he demanded.
She shook her head, tears flowing down her cheeks. "It's over Samrat. You said we would end this deal when one of us wants an out. I want out," she sobbed.
"No. Don't. Stop it," he rasped.
But she continued shaking her head. "I got into a relationship with you, thinking that we both didn't want love, or marriage, or even children. We both enjoy sex and we are both good at sex. And we also enjoy our careers and spending time with relatives and friends. I thought we would be content with all of that."
Samrat cupped her face and looked at her, "I don't want to be content with that. I want more. I love you and I want all of you."
Mahi shook her head again, and before she could say anything, "I want you to want the same!" he demanded.
"I'm sorry, Samrat. I can't give you what you need," she said softly.
"Please, give me a chance," he begged.
She looked at him through tears. "I am. I'm giving you the chance to get away from me. To live a happy and a whole life. Please go. I'm begging you."
He looked at her angrily and in pain. "You are a fool. You think you are being so noble and self-sacrificing, but you are not. You are hiding from the world, afraid to take any chances because you don't want to get hurt again. I understand you, because I was the same for a long time too. But I can't chase you forever. I need you to want me back as well and try taking chances. Will you?" he asked.
With tears streaming in her eyes, she shook her head. "No," she whispered.
He watched her quietly for a few seconds, and then grabbed the keys from the wall peg, to go out from her house, and then from her life.
*****
Much later that night, she called Rajeev. He picked up after a few rings.
"Rajeev, this is Mahi. Can I come and stay with you for a few days...actually, I don't know for how long," she said with a wavering voice.
There was a pause and then, "Do you want me to pick you up from your home right now, akka?" Rajeev asked softly.
"No. I'll drive myself to your place. Thank you Rajeev," she told him and started packing her things.
When she arrived at Rajeev's place, he didn't ask her any questions. He simply hugged her and showed her the spare bedroom.
CHAPTER 27
It was Mahi's thirty sixth birthday and she was with her friends for lunch.
"Another one bites the dust...Fourth one now. It's just all me. I'm the one that messes up each time. What's to say...had Dinesh married someone else, maybe he wouldn't have turned into an abusive husband. I must have driven him to behave that way. And even when I had perfectly good guys who loved me, I just dumped them. That's what I usually do. But in Samrat's case...it's for his own good. You'll see, he'll bounce back soon and find someone to be happy," she said with a forced wobbly smile.
Her friends were both outraged and worried.
"Mahi, don't. There is no excuse for Dinesh’s abusive behavior, and I can't believe that you are rehashing it again. We know it and you also know very well that it wasn't your fault. And as with Samrat, he might bounce back and find someone, and maybe you will too, given time. But why is it even needed in the first place? I don't believe in soul mates or such bullshit, but anyone with eyes can see that you are both good for each other and love each other," said Jhanvi.
Her other friends nodded, agreeing with that observation.
"Speak to him Mahi, about your fears of losing another child. I'm pretty sure he already knows that, but tell him about what you went through with Aryan, for making you feel that strongly about not having any more children," said Ashwini.
"Yes. And knowing Samrat, he will want you back in any way you let him. I'm sure if you had picked up his phone calls in the last two weeks, he would have told you the same," said Parvathi.
"I know it's hard Mahi, especially when you have been through so much. But life is unpredictable and you might be pleasantly surprised if you take a chance," said Smitha softly.
After speaking to her friends, she felt even more torn. She knew that they were being practical, but she wasn't really convinced that Samrat would be content with just her for long.
Later that night, she had dinner with Rajeev and her aunt. After dinner, Rajeev went to drop his mother at her house and was meeting up some friends.
She was at his house in the guest room. Just as her eyes were about to drift close, her cell phone rang.
It was Samrat. He had been calling almost every other hour the whole day to wish her. He was also sending her multiple text messages.
She answered his call after five rings.
"Happy birthday Mahi. I barely made it on time with just a minute to spare."
She felt so overwhelmed and choked up listening to his voice; she couldn't get her voice box to function for several seconds.
"This is Samrat by the way," he said, laughing softly.
She laughed through her tears. "Samrat?"
"Yes, Mahi?"
She took some deep controlling breaths. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what, Mahi?"
"Sorry for saying that I didn't want you or love you and for not answering your calls and for hurting you..." she said, her voice breaking down.
"I'm sorry too, Mahi. For putting you on the spot and demanding things from you when you weren't ready for them. The only excuse I can give you Mahi...is that I was too tired after my father's 60th birthday party and wasn't thinking straight. So I'm sorry too Mahi."
"No, you weren't asking for anything unreasonable, Samrat. What you had asked was a natural conclusion to any long term relationship," she said softly.
"Why are you repeating my name so many times?"
"I missed saying it out loud in the past two weeks. Over the past one year, I used it so many times during most of my conscious hours."
"God, that was so sappy and cliché..." she said, her voice breaking.
"I know it is, but it has been strange not hearing your name, except from Srishti who has been asking me about you. I told her that you were taking a vacation. I miss you. Please come back to me, Mahi."
Her lips wobbled, making it hard for her to speak. She bit them hard to control herself. "I missed you a lot too Samrat. It was so bad. Everything I did or saw reminded me of you in the last two weeks. Even my freaking car radio with only Telugu and Hindi songs seemed to be conspiring against me, playing songs that are specifically addressing our breakup and loneliness," she sobbed out.
Samrat sighed. "I listened to some of your crazy and loud music playlists saved on my music systems too. They actually started sounding not so bad to me."
She could hear the smile in his voice and she smiled, imagining him listening to her songs, probably wincing and then slowly tolerating them.
"What are we doing, Samrat? I still feel guilty for not letting you move on and be happy. I-I really can't give you a life of marriage or babies."
He sighed. "I know, Mahi. But I want you as you are. You don't even have to tell me what scared you again. Come back to me, please. We'll be just like before. We were happy together and we can be happy again," he pleaded.
She felt her old insecurities and demons rear up. "No. You might be happy for a while. But how long can you live an incomplete life like that? Each time you see happy families around you, you'll want more. You'll begin to resent me. You need a woman who can give you the whole package. And that woman is not me, Samrat. Also...I think it's mostly the intimacy that you miss. Before you met me, you were with just one woman all your life...and Nandini was very innocent. And I...well...I was pretty skilled and enthusiastic in bed. You are missing that part of us being together. There will be other women who can give you that...along with a family," she said softly.
