by Sara Wolf
When I frown harder, he laughs.
“Just kidding. I thought you could use the fuel.”
“I’m not much of a breakfast person, and I really need to go –”
“Oh yeah? Didn’t you say it’s your favorite? Breakfast would do a skinny little thing like you some good.”
“I am neither skinny nor little. Your sudden motherly concern is touching, but unnecessary.” I plop the manila folder containing his assignments on the table. “Your coursework. I’ll be leaving, now.”
I get two steps out the door when it tinkles behind me.
“Oy, wait up!” Ranik runs after me, Frappuccino and muffin in hand. “You want a ride? I’ll make sure you’d get there in time.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“First you buy me breakfast, and now offer a ride?” I narrow my eyes. “Are we in the midst of a lesson about accepting favors from boys that I’m unaware of?”
“Uh, no?”
“Then why do favors for me? I’m not your concern. I can take care of myself.”
Ranik looks surprised, but he disguises it quickly behind his usual rogueish grin.
“You know, any other girl would accept these things real quick. They like bein’ spoiled.”
“I am not any other girl,” I push my glasses up higher on my nose. “Now step aside.”
For a few seconds it seems I’ve won, and he leaves me mercifully alone. But then I hear the dull roar of an engine following me down the sidewalk slowly. I lift my head and walk faster. Ranik’s truck keeps pace with me. He rolls down the window and shouts.
“C’mon, Princess!”
I ignore him.
“You’re gonna be late, even if you run. And I made you late. So get in.”
“I’d rather be late,” I sniff.
“Lookit all that pride you got,” He whistles. “It’s almost like it’s gonna ruin your lab participation grade for the semester.”
I seethe quietly for a few seconds as I realize he’s right. I whirl on my heel and yank the door open, flinging myself into the seat and staring forward.
“Go.”
I can still see his smirk out of the corner of my eye as he steps on the gas. We lurch, and my poetry notebook goes flying out of my bag. I scramble to pick it off the floor and force it back in my bag, but it’s far too late to evade Ranik’s keen eyes.
“Ooh, what’s that?”
“None of your business,” I say.
“It sure don’t look like any of your other notebooks,” He frowns. “They’re all black. Why’s this one got flowers on it? And a lock? Is it special?”
I start with a retort, but I remember the eagle poem from the other night and flush.
“Yes. It’s…it’s very special.”
“Any chance you’d let me look at it?”
“Not in seven hundred hells,” I snap. Ranik laughs and pulls into the parking lot.
“That’s too bad. But I guess we all gotta have something private just to ourselves, huh?”
Instead of letting me out at the curb where everyone can see, he doubles around the building, where the dumpsters are, and parks, making a faux-bow in his seat.
“I believe this is your stop, madam.”
I get out, but he’s somehow beaten me to the door, holding his hand out for me to step down. I ignore it and glare at him.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I hope you’re still sane enough to function as my teacher,” I say.
His laugh is even louder as he slouches against the truck bed. “Don’t mind me. Just woke up feelin’…weird, I guess. You up for another lesson tonight? How’s seven sound?”
“That would be fine,” I say. “But my roommate might be home.”
“This is a public lesson,” He smiles. When I open my mouth to protest, he winks. “Not dinner. But it’s far away from campus, at a friend’s place. And you might have to wear a dress. If you have one.”
The idea of doing a lesson in public again has my palms sweating. I’ve barely gotten over my embarrassment of the dinner. But I quickly swallow the fear and compose myself.
“Very well. I will see you then.”
“Cool. And good luck,” He says. “With your lab.”
“I don’t need your luck,” I turn back. “I need your lessons.”
He throws the muffin at me, and I catch it just in time before it hits my face.
“Lesson two point five,” He says. “Put some meat on them bones.”
“But –” I look down at it. “Grace is slender.”
“Yeah. So what?”
“So I should –”
“That’s what you’re dieting for? Don’t,” He says hotly. “You’re real smart, Princess, way smarter than that. Don’t let me catch you doin’ something that stupid. Not even for Theo.”
I look at the muffin as I walk away. I get to my class with a minute to spare and devour it quickly, down to the last crumb. I feel full for the first morning in many.
Thank you. I text Ranik. It was delicious.
The lab comes and goes, and when I’ve placed the last e coli culture in the incubator and sterilized my apron and gloves, Ranik still hasn’t texted me back. Is he angry? Busy? Why would he be angry about my eating habits? I simply wanted to lose weight, but I see now that was the wrong way to go about it. I was so blinded by my determination I almost continued down a biologically destructive path for my body, and Ranik helped me realize it promptly. I feel like I should apologize to him, but why? It’s my body. Why would he concern himself with it, or me? We are mutually contracted associates, and nothing more. My well-being is none of his concern. As long as I’m able to do his homework, he should keep out of my business.
Irritated, I meet Charlotte for lunch at a little café on campus called The Reef. She orders fish tacos, and I order the potato salad. As she goes into detail about her new boyfriend Nate, I eat silently and listen. This is the first clue for her that something’s wrong.
“What’s wrong? Why are you so quiet?” She quirks a brow. “You’d normally be snorting and rolling your eyes and telling me how shitty he is by now and how he’s eventually going to cheat on me and break my heart.”
“He probably will. Maybe. Men are unreliable creatures,” I say. “But you look so happy lately I didn’t want to interfere with that. I haven’t met him yet, but a boy who makes you this happy must be a good one.”
Charlotte glares suspiciously at me, then leans across the table and feels my forehead.
“What are you doing?” I swat her away.
“No fever,” she mutters to herself. “Which only leaves one other option – concussion.”
“I’m not concussed! I’m feeling perfectly fine!”
“Then who snatched your body? Where’s the real Alice? The one who disdains boys as the scum of the Earth?”
I frown. “I don’t…I’m not that bad, am I?”
“Of course you’re not bad! You just hate guys. That’s sort of a fact, along with the ‘sky is blue’ and ‘the arctic is cold’.”
“I hate idiots. There’s a difference. It’s not my fault a great majority of them in this world happen to be male.”
Charlotte bursts out laughing. “Ah, there we go. You’re back.”
I smile for what feels like the first time in days. Charlotte stirs her iced tea and I sip water, and we watch people walk by. She wrinkles her nose at a passing girl with pink hair and ripped black tights. The girl who told me I bumped into who told me I blend right in.
“Ugh, there’s Miranda,” Charlotte sneers.
“Miranda who?”
“Miranda-who-hangs-out-with-Ranik. Junior Miranda.”
I turn in my seat to watch her. She’s skinny but moves with surprising grace, like an alley cat. Her cheekbones are high and sharp, and her green eyes are slanted down and even more cat-like. Pink hair falls to her shoulders. Her black hoodie and purple skirt stand out. As we watch, she yells at a freshman for throwing his c
heeto bag on the ground and picks it up, dumping it in the trash. The freshman scuttles away, terrified.
“She doesn’t seem so bad,” I say. “Anyone who fights littering can’t be completely evil.”
“Wrong,” Charlotte sighs. “She’s totally addicted to Xanax. She almost got suspended last year for fighting one of my brother’s friends. And then someone lit his soccer bag on fire, but no one ever found out who it was. We know it was her though. People say she’s crazy.”
“People say I’m a robot,” I muse. “Does that make it true?”
Charlotte winces. “Of course not, dummy. The difference is, you’re not a robot, but Miranda’s definitely batshit.”
Charlotte gets up and gets a pudding. When she comes back, I clear my throat.
“Charlotte, you’re well-versed on the actions of boys and what they mean, right?”
She giggles. “Yes? Well, I mean, I have more experience than most people. And definitely more experience than you. No offense.”
“None taken,” I smile. “So, if I posed a theoretical situation that was happening to a…friend of mine, told to me by this same friend, you would be able to tell me what the boy in the situation is thinking. What his goal is.”
“Maybe? It depends.”
I inhale. It’s worth a try. I’m completely lost, and Charlotte is my only hope.
“Say there is a boy. And he is working on a project with my friend. They’ve agreed to only work on the project, and their only relationship is to be a professional one. My friend and the boy have even agreed they’re not each other’s type.”
“Oookay, this is already sounding a little sketch,” She wrinkles her nose.
“What I mean is,” My voice gets quick. “Say the boy starts to…do things for my friend.”
“Like what?” She leans in, suddenly interested.
“Bringing her coffee. Buying her food. Offering her rides. Concerning himself with her well-being. Why would he do that?”
“Because he’s starting to like her, duh,” Charlotte laughs. “It’s not too hard to figure out.”
I feel a cold knot work its way into my throat.
“But what if the girl - my friend - doesn’t like him back?”
“Then she’ll have to be firm!” Charlotte pounds the table. “If you’re doing a project together, you have to focus on it. Grades are more important than a silly boy’s crush. You have to cut the sprout while it’s still little! Pull it up by the roots before he gets too big for his britches! Literally.”
Charlotte nudges me, and I roll my eyes. But she’s right. I can’t let our lessons be compromised by any sort of infatuation. I ponder this, then put a ten dollar bill on the table.
“I have to go. Pay for me, would you?”
“Where are you off to so fast?”
“I forgot to double-check the Edme Dumont citations in my Art History paper,” I lie quickly. “I’ll see you at the room later tonight.”
“Okay!” She waves. I stride to the library and dial Ranik’s number. It rings twice, and then he picks up.
“Hello?”
“I forbid you from being nice to me,” I say immediately. There’s a silence on his end. I know he knows it’s me – he saw the number.
“I can be nice to whoever I wanna be,” He says finally.
“We have a working relationship,” I snap. “One of student and teacher. I cannot abide you coming to like me.”
“Like you?” He sputters. “W-What makes you think I –”
“I expressly told you not to like me.”
“You told me not to try to fuck you,” he corrects.
“The only way I would ever have sex with anyone would be to like them first, to enter a mutual relationship of liking. Therefore, you cannot like me. That would be a step towards trying to bed me.”
I sidestep a gawking freckled boy, who caught most of my words, and breeze on. Ranik sighs.
“You’ve got the wrong idea, Princess. I just like you as a person. Nothin’ romantic, okay? Ranik Mason don’t fuckin’ do romance.”
He likes me as a person? I shake my head to clear it quickly.
“Then stop,” I say. “Doing things for me. The coffee, the muffin, the ride. Stop. I will take care of myself. From now on, I will refuse anything you attempt to give or do for me that has no relevance to our lessons. Is that clear?”
“We can’t even be friends, huh?”
I freeze in my tracks.
“You want…to be friends? With me?”
“Hell yeah! You’re a pretty cool girl, you know?”
“I’m your student.”
“Don’t mean students and teachers can’t be friends.”
“I’m robotic. And boring. And very naïve.”
“No you’re not. Whoever told you that has shit for brains. Except the naïve thing. You’re a little naïve. But that’s not a bad thing. Just means you got more learnin’ to do.”
“Are you befriending me with the intent to bed me later?” I narrow my eyes.
“No! Jesus, Princess, what’s it gonna take for you to realize I’m not gonna do anythin’? I swear to you I won’t ever try to fuck you! I promise on the sun. I promise on Mathers’ bald head. I promise on…on my Mom’s grave, okay?”
My heart sinks. Something about the way he said that stands out from the usual ‘on my mother’s grave’. Something about it rings true.
“Ever?” I whisper.
“Ever,” He asserts. “You’re safe from me, Princess. I can fuckin’ promise you that. As long as I breathe, I won’t ever try to fuck you. And even when I’m not breathin’. Uh. I promise I won’t try to zombie-fuck you, either.”
I wrinkle my nose and laugh. “Gross.”
He laughs too, but something about it is tremulous. “Right. Well. Now that that’s cleared up, can I go back to preppin’ this outdoor lesson thingy?”
“Ranik!” I hear a man’s voice call. “Come get your present!”
“One sec, Barbara,” Ranik laughs. “Okay, I’ll come get you at seven.”
“Alright.”
He hangs up first, and I’m left wondering exactly what a man named Barbara could possibly help with teaching me.
***
After I drop Alice off, I meet Miranda at Psych 201. I slide into my seat just as the bell rings, and Miranda throws me a smirk.
“Who’s the lovely lady?”
“Piss off,” I say cheerily. She flips her pink hair and laughs.
“You’re never late for this class. You love this class.”
“I like learnin’ about sweet brain shit like any other reasonable person.”
“Exactly. You’re late, so who’s the lovely lady distracting you? Don’t tell me, it’s the girl you’re texting lately. I’m sorry; I meant the hairy man you’re texting.”
I groan and put my head on the desk. “He’s so hottttt.”
Miranda laughs, and shuts up only when Professor Greene brings up the powerpoint and throws her a pointed glare. I try to take notes and listen best I can. Miranda slacks off like she always does, and she always gets good grades for it, the unfair bitch. After class, Miranda and I take a smoke break under a tree on the lawn.
“It’s way too fucking hot to be five-days-till-November,” Miranda groans. “I miss Canada.”
“You miss runnin’ into moose and freezing your ass off? You’re so weird.”
“Don’t you miss your Mississippi swamps and shotguns?” She retorts. I clutch my chest like I’ve been shot.
“Ugh, you’ve found me out. S’true. I’m a redneck.”
Miranda chuckles and puts out her cigarette. “You’re coming to your surprise party tonight, right?”
“I had no idea ya’ll were planning a surprise party, especially not since there’s been four crates of balloons stashed in the closet for a month now.”
“We thought you’d think they were condoms.”
“I’m dumb, but I’m not that fuckin’ stupid.”
“Could
’ve fooled me with those grades.” She ruffles my hair up. “Alright, I gotta get going to Culinary lab. I’ll see you at the not-surprise-party-that’s-definitely-not-for-you.”
“Can’t wait,” I say, but she’s hightailed it outta here before the words leave my mouth. She treats me like a little brother, and it irritates the shit out of me. But her and Trent and Seth have been more like a family to me in these last few months than my real family ever was. And I’m grateful.
Before them, I didn’t have birthday parties.
I stride across the lawn, finishing my cigarette, when I spot her.
The Reef’s a shitty little hippie café full of gluten free nut bars and tomato smoothies. Most of the people who go to it are health-conscious vegan crazies, but today Alice is there. With a curly-haired girl I’ve never seen before. And the girl’s making Alice smile.
I do a double take. Alice, smiling. Not smirking, or sneerin’, but a straight real smile. It lights her face up like a diamond, makes all the hard edges of her usual stern expression soft and warm. The way the sun’s hitting her hair makes it all gold and shiny, like a halo. She’s pretty as a picture.
My heart’s suddenly a crazy animal in a too-small cage.
Before I know what I’m doing, I’m taking a picture on my phone. It’s got her smile front and center, even if my camera phone has a shitty zoom.
I stare at it, then up at her, then at it again.
What the fuck am I doing? I’m being even creepier right now. My finger hovers to delete it, but I can’t bring myself to. S’too good. S’too rare. It’s like deletin’ a goddamn white tiger. I might never see it again. Shit, I’m the least likely dude to ever see it again, considering she don’t like me all that much. So I move it around and hide it in my phone to keep snoopy Miranda away from it, but I keep it. For now. Until I get sick of my own creepiness and delete it, it’s staying put.
It’s for research, I try to convince myself as I drive to Barbara’s club. Research on helping her nab Theo. This smile is the perfect example of what makes dude’s hearts beat crazy fast. I’ll make a whole lesson about making dude’s hearts beat crazy fast. Not that it’ll take her long to master it. Already, with just that one smile –
My heart jumps.
I light another cigarette and furiously jiggle my leg.
