by Sara Wolf
She’s fuckin’ me up, hard, without even fuckin’ me.
***
Confused and exhausted by Mom, and Ranik, and everything else in my life, I attend Mathers’ class that week. I have no willpower to fight against my instincts, anymore. They landed me in trouble with Ranik, my only willing teacher. I can’t trust them again. Not even when they scream at me to get out of the classroom as Mathers’ cold, beady eyes make contact with mine during his lecture. He holds my gaze for long, too long, the barest flicker of a smug smirk on his lips. What little fury brews in my heart at it is quickly extinguished. What’s the use? If I fight, if I refuse to come to this class, Mom will just pull me out. I can’t go back home. Not as a failure. Not as a college drop-out. I can’t let her burn what little of a life I’ve built for myself here like she burned my poetry journals, like she burned my middle school life when she –
I flinch, and repress the memory in the buzz of Mathers’ droning, irritating voice.
Charlotte notices my discomfort, and nudges me when Mathers’ back is turned.
“You okay, sweetpea? You’ve been looking really down the past couple days.”
“It’s this…class,” I whisper.
“Uh, you mean, the class you really like but haven’t been showing up to the last couple weeks? Why is that, exactly?”
I nod towards Mathers. “Remember what you said about me being his favorite student?”
“Yeah.”
“I am.”
Charlotte raises an eyebrow.
“Oh. Ohhhh.” Her nose wrinkles. “Ew. That’s disgusting. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lie. “Or, I nearly wasn’t, but Ranik interrupted and…saved me, in a way.”
“So that’s why you’ve been talking about him,” she brightens. “It all makes sense!”
Mathers glances up at us and we quickly fall silent. He turns back after giving a quick glare to both of us.
“I’m so sorry, Al,” Charlotte leans on my shoulder. “You could’ve told me, you know.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just felt like…like I was overreacting. Like if I told you, you’d say I was…”
I trail off, and Charlotte frowns, hugging me tighter.
“Don’t think like that. You can tell me whatever you want, okay? Seriously. I won’t judge you. Much.”
We smirk at each other knowingly. Mathers passes out a pop quiz, and he walks up and down the aisles as we complete them, making sure no one is cheating. He lingers a little too long near my desk, and I suppress a shudder. Charlotte glares daggers into his back, and I feel so relieved she’s angry on my behalf. I never got angry. I just tried to deny it ever happened in a shell-shocked, avoidance-heavy way. It was wrong. Instead of running, or hiding my true feelings, I should’ve embraced them. Ranik’s lessons have taught me that much.
Ranik.
The more I think about him, the more embarrassed I get. After he left the other night, I collapsed on the bed and left the mortification consume me. I’d gotten so far ahead of myself, all because I wanted to learn. I’ve always been like this – a new subject pops up, and I throw myself into it, eager to learn anything and everything about it. And sex seems to integral to a relationship, so integral to getting Theo to like me, that I didn’t stop and think twice about what I was doing. I wanted it. No, correction – I wanted to learn it. I didn’t want it, not in the sexual way.
Or did I?
I recall my body temperature rising, a rush of pride running through me as I observed Ranik’s every reaction to my touch. I had power over him. But more than that, I was making him happy. I was making him feel good, like I’d never made anyone feel before. He was enjoying me. For a split second, I wasn’t boring, or a prude, or any number of awful things people have called me throughout the years. I was interesting, entertaining. I was like everyone else – having sex. Sort of. I’m still unsure if a handjob counts as full-on sex. I’d ask Charlotte, but this class isn’t the best to do it in. Every time I meet Mathers’ beady gaze, I shudder and instantly remember his lecherous come on, and my mood plummets.
Charlotte can tell, because she takes extra care to wait for me as I pack my bags when the bell rings. Mathers’ eyes follow me out, but Charlotte’s arm laced through mine gives me some courage. I keep my head high long after we’ve left. She leads me to the frozen yogurt cart, which parks itself outside the Edward Lee building, anticipating the lunchtime rush. I get two scoops with sugared pineapple and walnuts, and she gets chocolate on top of chocolate on top of more chocolate. We eat our prizes under an oak tree, Charlotte blabbering happily about her boyfriend Nate, about her work at the biology lab. I glance at my phone every so often – Ranik hasn’t texted me once. It’s not odd – sometimes he’d go for days without texting me – but his homework is almost due again, and he usually begins badgering me sooner rather than later.
I know I made him angry. But I still don’t understand how or why. My best guess is because I went farther than we agreed on – and that’s unforgiveable, especially in sex. I should apologize.
“Alice!” Charlotte nudges me in the ribs. “Earth to Alice!”
I look up quickly and see Theo standing over us, a soft grin on his face and his hands in his pockets. The sun lights him from behind in a golden halo.
“Hey,” he says.
“H-Hi,” I stand instantly, but he laughs.
“It’s okay, don’t get up on my behalf. Can I sit with you guys?”
“Sure!” Charlotte chimes, shooting me a knowing smile. I sit down.
“Thanks,” Theo grins, and sits on the grass beside me. His hand is so close to mine in the grass I could scoot it over just a bare inch and touch his fingers. I can feel the warmth from his shoulder and the smell of him – hot, strong, freshly-brewed coffee.
“So what brings you to this part of the woods?” Charlotte winks at Theo.
“Nothing really, I just had some time to kill before my next show, and I saw you two.” Theo turns to me, and smiles. “You look really nice today, Alice.”
I feel my heart bash against my ribcage in an attempt to escape. I open my mouth to deny that I look good at all, when Ranik’s lesson at the restaurant pops into my head. I’ve taken much more embarrassing comments from him without denying them. Take the compliment gracefully, Ranik’s voice echoes.
I smile at Theo. ‘Thank you.”
Charlotte, knowing me, gapes like a fish. Theo smiles brighter.
“So, I was thinking. There’s a carnival in town, right?”
“O-Oh, right!” Charlotte comes-to. “On Main Street! Everyone’s talking about it.”
“Yeah, that’s the one. It’s got rides, and food, and a ferris wheel, and games, and I was thinking…well…I was thinking you could come.” Theo looks at me.
“Really?” I tilt my head.
“Yeah,” He enthusiastically nods. “Me and a friend are going, and I wanted to invite you. You can bring a friend, too. If you want.”
“So, so it’ll be me, and you, and –”
“Grace,” Theo says. “It was her idea. It’ll be fun, I promise.”
Grace invited him? Before I can consider it, Charlotte grabs my arm.
“Of course she’ll go! What time is it?”
“I’m driving, so, I’ll meet you at eight. Here, my number.”
Theo passes me a piece of paper with his number on it, and smiles. I hold it with trembling hands, and I’m transfixed by it. Finally, I have Theo’s number! I can call him, or text him, I can get to know him better!
“I’ll see you around,” Theo says, and I snap out of it and look up.
“R-Right. Yes. Thank you.”
Charlotte watches him go, and when he disappears behind the building, she squeals like a banshee in a greenhouse, practically shattering my eardrums.
“Ahhh! I can’t believe he invited you on a double date!”
“Is that what it is?” I ask.
Charlotte nods. “Duh! Grace invited him, and you
get to invite a date. But, I mean, the best part about double dates is you can switch partners! This is your perfect chance to do stuff with Theo! Oh my god, I can just imagine you on the ferris wheel with him now, fireworks going off, the night filled with stars –”
“There’s just one problem,” I say. “I don’t know many boys. Or…any boys. Well enough to invite them, anyway.”
Charlotte ponders this. “Well, I’d let you take Nate, but I don’t know if he likes Grace all that much, they’ve had arguments in Debate class –”
“What about Ranik?” I say. Charlotte goes wide-eyed, then wrings her hands.
“Ranik? But he’s, Al, he’s not a nice –”
“He saved me from Mathers. He can’t be all that bad,” I insist. Charlotte doesn’t know I know him fairly well, and I’d like to keep it that way. Even if she says she wouldn’t judge me for anything I tell her, she’d definitely flip about me and Ranik.
“Ugh,” Charlotte sighs. “Fine. I guess he’ll do. You can just pawn him off on Grace, anyway.” She suddenly perks up. “We HAVE to go into town and get you a cute outfit. No more borrowing my stuff! It looks totally good on you, but this is your first date! You need nice clothes, period.”
I laugh as she makes plans, going on about which stores have the best sales right now. All I can think about it what she said – it’s my first date. A real date. I’m finally, finally going on a date, like any other girl. It’s not a fake-date that’s a lesson. I’m not impossible, or difficult. Someone likes me enough to invite me on a true, real date. And not just anyone invited me – it was Theo himself.
I feel like I’m floating.
***
The floaty feeling lasts only as long as the time it takes me to catch the bus to Ranik’s apartment. During the half-hour ride, I have more than enough opportunity to consider just how well my request will go over. He may still be angry. But without him, I don’t know if I could fair very well on this ‘double date’.
I knock on the door tentatively, and Miranda answers it, her bright pink hair up in a ponytail. Her face sours instantly on seeing me.
“Yeah? What do you want?”
“I apologize for disturbing you,” I start. “Is Ranik around?”
Miranda looks me up and down, then glances behind her into the apartment. The sounds of video game guns going off resounds. If I squint, I can see Trent on the couch playing a game with Seth. Miranda looks back to me.
“Nope, sorry. He’s gone.”
“Oh,” I try to hide the disappointment in my voice and fail miserably. “Do you know where I might find him?”
Miranda scoffs. “I can’t believe you seriously talk like that. Ranik told me you were different but I didn’t know you were so damn old-fashioned.”
I steel myself against flinching. He’d told them about me? Of course he did.
“Look,” Miranda glances behind her as if she doesn’t want Trent and Seth to hear, then steps out with me and closes the door behind her. “None of us like you, okay? So it’s probably better you didn’t come snooping around here.”
“Why? Did I – did I do something to offend you? I’m sorry that I…that I crashed in your apartment the other night. I did use someone’s towel. I’m so sorry –”
“It’s not that,” Miranda sighs. She leans against the railing and rubs between her dark eyebrows. “Look, Ranik’s never…brought girls home like that before.”
I nearly laugh. “Are you serious?”
“Well, I mean, he brings them home to fuck,” She amends sharply. “But not to – not to look after their injuries. Not to let ‘em sleep in his bed without him in it, if you get my drift.”
“Ranik and I are friends - ” I say quickly.
“Don’t try to bullshit me. Ranik told us everything. He’s teaching you the dating ropes so you can snag another dude, right?”
Shocked, I force myself to nod. Miranda sighs wearily and lights a cigarette, puffing it out over the railing.
“He’s trying to quit, you know.”
“Quit what?”
“Smoking,” She smirks. “And he studies. He barely ever drinks, ‘cause of his Dad. And now he’s quitting smokin’, too. It’s almost like he’s trying to impress somebody.”
“I don’t understand. Why would his father make him not –”
“Oh c’mon. He said you were smart as a whip.”
When I just look lost at her, she exhales heavily again.
“I’m only telling you this because you ought to know what you’re dealing with. And you can’t tell a soul, or I’ll hunt you down and cut your throat.”
I tense, but she just sighs harder.
“Ranik’s dad was an alchy. Addicted to whiskey. He beat Ranik and his mom up pretty bad. One day, his mom couldn’t take it anymore and just…walked out on ‘em. The police found her in the woods a couple miles away. Hung herself.”
The blood in my heart freezes with painful, frigid, instantaneous ice. The happy, smiling, gorgeous woman in the photo I’d seen was driven to do that?
Miranda looks at me with the eyes of a vicious tiger defending something.
“He dropped out of high school a few years later. His dad beat the shit out of him constantly. He finally up and ran, out here, to Trent and me. He couldn’t find us for a while, so he lived with Barbara at Venn Diagram, got his GED. Somehow got into a nice college. His life’s been shitty, okay? And we don’t want to see it get any shittier.”
“I understand,” I say softly. “You care about him very much.”
“Damn right we do,” she agrees. “We wanna see him happy. He always…he always throws himself after any girl who says two nice words to him. He’s like a starved dog, you know? Hanging around the scrapyard, hoping someone will toss him a bit of love. But those girls never stay long – they can tell he’s more fucked up than they wanna deal with. So they leave.”
She turns to face me, pink hair ablaze around her thin face as she stubs out her cigarette.
“You’re the first girl he’s brought to Venn Diagram, you know that?”
I knit my brow in confusion, but before I can open my mouth, she fills the silence with words.
“Sure, he meets girls there. But he never brings them there, you know, to meet Barbara. To meet us.”
“I don’t understand. What are you implying?”
“C’mon, genius girl. I’m sure you can figure it out.”
I blink at her, and she stares at me for a moment before snorting.
“I’ll be damned. Looks like Ranik wasn’t lying about you not knowing shit about boys after all.”
She walks past me and pats my shoulder. Before she can walk back inside, I stop her.
“Will he…will he be back later?”
“Maybe. Hell if I know. I mean, me and Seth and Trent got work tonight, so we won’t be around. You’re welcome to try.”
I quickly rummage in my bag and pull out the clothes she leant me.
“Here, also. I washed them. Thank you very much for lending them to me.”
Miranda smirks, and grabs them back. “No problem.”
I make my way down the steps and contemplate what to do. I have to come back tonight. Texting him seems to get no answer from him, so I need to speak with him face-to-face. I’m worried he hates me for good, now. I’m worried I lost my best teacher, my only ally.
And quite possibly, I might have lost a good friend.
Chapter 9
I saw it from the window.
I chug another shot at a bar who’s name I can’t remember anymore (like fuck I’d let Barbara see me like this) and try to block out the memory. I saw it from the window and it all happened so goddamn fast. Alice had been sitting there with her friend, and then Theo walked up. He practically glinted in the damn sunlight, his hair all blonde and his skin tan and his teeth too-white. And I could tell, I could just fuckin’ tell by the way he talked and then Alice went white as a sheet, that he’d asked her out.
And that was when
I knew.
He fuckin’ beat me to it.
It was over.
I watched Alice’s pretty face light up with pure joy, and I knew it was fuckin’ over.
The bartender shoots me a look when I motion for another shot, but I point at him.
“Ey, don’t give me that look. I’m payin’, alright? So jus’ gimme ‘em when I say so.”
The bartender sighs and slides the shot over. It goes down like fire and brimstone, burning all the feeling out of my fingers and toes. If I’m lucky, it’ll burn the feelin’ right outta my heart. So I keep trying.
“You’ve really had a lot, you know.” The girl at my side, a sweet-lookin’ brunette with dark eyes and bright lipstick, downs the last of her second martini. She smiles at me, stroking my elbow. “Why don’t we just get out of here?”
We both know what’s coming. It’s a dance, a fuckin’ routine of eternity, or should I say, a routine of eternally fuckin’? Whatever. We both know she’s here for the dick, and I’m here for her.
I study her face. She’s pretty. Maybe even prettier than Alice. If I squint, her hair almost looks blonde, and her eyes seem blue. She seems real nice. She’s not crass or obvious like other ladies. Maybe, just maybe -
“Oy,” A man taps me on the shoulder. He’s blurry, but huge. “You don’t talk to George like that, you hear me?”
I buzz my lips. “Who’s gonna stop me, old man?”
“Hey,” George the bartender warns. “Don’t start anything, Bailey.”
“He dissed you, Georgie!” The big guy protests. “I won’t let him get away with that!”
“S’fine, gentlemen,” I slur, and slap two twenties on the counter. “I was leavin’ anyway. C’mon, sweetheart.”
The girl – Alyssa? Andrea? – giggles and grasps my arm, leading me out of the stuffy bar and into the cold November night. Shit – it’s November already. Where’d the time fuckin’ go? Oh, that’s right. I spent it teaching Alice. Falling for fuckin’ Alice.
