She sent back another that just says "ok" leaving me the task of setting this thing up. So I said, "I'm good with any time or place that suits you and I'd just basically like to tell you my thoughts and hear yours." Pretty innocuous, I thought.
Just to be totally honest here, my final goal was to convince her that open marriage is a good thing and that Dewayne and Abby fucking is a good thing, and that she and I should consider fucking other people, not in any way coming on to her, but leaving the door open in case she wanted to walk through it, toward me.
I sure put a daunting task in front of myself, don't you think? But what the hell, I've got a lot of free time these days, the ultimate results would be worth the effort, I like challenges, and life is short.
When me met, at my place, excuse me, at Abby's and my place, Abby was at work and so was Dewayne. I had not told Abby about our upcoming meeting and I really didn't care if Kimberly had informed Dewayne or not. I left work early, got home, took a shower, just in case, put on some decent clothes, and sat there. Sweating.
When she knocked, it jarred me out of a fantasy that I really shouldn't write about here. I jumped up, quickly considered if I should tell her to come in and that I'd be out of the shower in a few seconds, since I already needed another one due to the sweating, but then realized that the likelihood of having any close physical contact with her, at this point in time was nil, so I just went and opened the door.
She looked stunning. I had forgotten how totally beautiful she was. Why the fuck would Dewayne risk losing her, quickly flashed through my brain. I invited her in and then something dawned on me. How could I have been so totally stupid not to remember that this is where the encounter took place? Jesus. I am a total idiot. I swear to you that thought never entered my mind until I saw her walking down the same hallway, toward the same couch.
Ok George, get a grip and focus, I thought. She broke the ice saying, "I think I remember being here before." I loved her immediately for saying that. It had so much relevance on so many levels, but the best thing about it was, I thought, that it showed she was able to see at least a speck of humor in the situation, gently poking fun, I thought, as herself for being a bit drunk at the end and maybe not totally remembering everything that happened and all that she had said. And it also showed, I thought, that she was able to perhaps look beyond the situation with Dewayne and Abby and move forward. I tend to read a lot into people's statements and comments, perhaps too much. In ways that tend to support my own hopes and beliefs, I have to admit.
She sat down in the same place where Abby had been sitting that night, i.e. on Abby's couch, when Kimberly spilled the wine in her lap. I sat down on my couch, deciding that Abby's couch was too small for two people not romantically involved, and I didn't want Kim to think I was being forward or presumptuous, when, in fact, I was both.
I have noticed over the years, when I'm in an awkward situation, which doesn't happen all that often, but was definitely happening now, that I kind of cock my head to the left, not sure why the left by the way, and then I kind of raise my eyebrows and put my lips together tightly, like I'm ready to say something but not knowing quite how to begin. It's not a deliberate or purposeful face; it's just what I have noticed that I do. I think I'm usually waiting for the other person to begin and I want to let them know that whatever they say is probably going to be fine because I really don't give much of a shit what people say as long as it's not hateful or mean.
Then, if the other person doesn't begin, I usually say "so," kind of trailing off on the o, I guess trying to solicit a response, and that is what I did. Once again, no response, so I thought about it for a second and launched into my diatribe, even though I had promised myself on numerous occasions that I wouldn't do a diatribe because I thought it might do a lot more harm than good.
Chapter 20: The Diatribe
I like the word diatribe. Not sure of the etiology of the word, but I like how it sounds. I also like how it allows a lot to come out, and if the listener is open minded and if the person delivering is not boring, some interesting information and, more importantly, some important emotions, can be delivered and absorbed.
Of course, when I'm delivering, I try to be as honest as possible, and I try to make sure that I'm not getting hung up on one particular emotion, trying instead to get the whole range of emotions out there. I know for sure, as least with Abby, in our mutual diatribes, that her diatribe is coming next after mine, and anything that I emote negatively to her will be returned in spades, so my tone is always conciliatory, or at least I like to think so.
As much as I like delivering diatribes, I know there is another purpose other than just spouting off on hearing myself speak. I want to try to move toward a solution, which generally means, with Abby and me again, to get her to back off from criticizing me or to stop treating me like a piece of furniture, or a hired hand, which she does quite effectively, and often.
I know the task at hand and I know it's going to be difficult but I like the challenge. I also know that I know absolutely nothing about Kimberly's mindset and I am going to have to look for some feedback in her face or body movements or, even better, in her responses.
So I began, "Kim, I've got a lot on my mind and I know you do too and I'd just like to tell you where I'm coming from and let you know my mind set. I'm guessing this is a lot harder on you than any of the other three of us, and that's based on your reactions and words from the other night. And I'm not passing judgment on you by any means or blaming you because I think it's totally understandable given that you just got married. Abby and I have been married for twenty four years and there's been a lot of water over the dam, and we've both done things that hurt the other person, not deliberately of course but still hurtful, and we are both pretty forgiving people and also practical, and we both took our marriage vows seriously and we plan to be married for a long time."
I took a deep breath, because I was out of breath, and also because I wanted disparately for Kim to say something to help me out here. I wanted to hear something to the effect that I wasn't just wasting my breath and she was going to divorce Dewayne anyway, and this little courtesy call of hers was just that. I waited. I waited a bit longer. Clearly I needed to continue.
"Kim, I don't know you at all and I don't know your mindset and I would never be so presumptuous to try and meddle into your affairs." Shit I thought, I should not have used the word affair. "But it's obvious that we are in a situation that involves both of us and our spouses and I think we have to communicate our feelings in as honest a way as we can to try and move forward."
I really didn't like how this was going. I was so used to my diatribes with Abby and I knew I could just lay it all out there, and she would too, and even if we resolved nothing, which was almost always the case, we had at least vented and that allowed us to move forward. What I really didn't like about this diatribe was the way I was slipping into some sort of prescribed form, using catchy words and phrases like communicating, and feelings, and moving forward. It all seemed so stilted.
What I really had to say could be done in one sentence, i.e. "Kim, it's ok with me for Dewayne to fuck Abby because it turns me on and the jealousy is kind of a delicious jealousy and I'd really like for you to try and think about it that way, and I'd like for you to think about approaching this as an adventure, setting aside your core beliefs because those are just learned responses and they can be unlearned, and if they are, you might see this whole thing as an incredible journey and an amazingly erotic adventure that will greatly enhance your love life with Dewayne."
Of course, I was chicken shit to say anything close to that, instead trying to somehow warm her up gradually to some new possibilities and at the same time, charm and woo her with my intelligence, my insight, my broadmindedness. Right.
I was dying to know what she thought and felt, so I asked her. This meeting was apparently meant to morph from a diatribe and a diatribe response, to more of a dialogue and that was fine by me. I knew I co
uld hold my own, and by that, I mean I knew I could keep my ultimate goal in mind and do my best to steer the conversation in that direction.
Kim finally responded with "I really don't know what to say. Dewayne and I just got married and I thought he loved me and I thought we were going to have a wonderful life together and I knew he had had sex with other women and he knew I had had sex with other men and we didn't want to focus on that."
"We wanted to focus on us and our future, and now he has ruined that and now you are involved, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm not sorry for Abby, and I know you love her and I don't want to say anything bad about her but she was part of this. A big part of this. And I'm angry and I'm hurt and I'm confused and I don't know what is going to happen. And I'm also afraid of what is going to happen. I had one bad marriage and I thought this was going to be different and now it's not and it's ruined."
Then she started to cry. Not a hysterical sobbing. Just a genuinely sad crying. Not even trying to hide the tears, just letting them flow. I felt bad for her, but I also felt, genuinely, that something good was going to come out of this. Something good for all of us. Now don't be cynical and think that I was just looking to get into her panties, which of course I was, but it was lot more than that. I'm being serious here when I say that I was thinking about the old saying, "the best steel comes from the hottest oven" or maybe better, "first the breakdown, then the breakthrough."
Chapter 21: Rainy Day and Lara
It's a rainy day. The only thing I don't like about rainy days is when they end. I'm not sure what it is I like about them, but one thing is for sure, and that's that I'm never going to try and figure it out. Same thing regarding chocolate ice cream; I love it, and that's it. No need to analyze it. No need to break it down. No need to understand it. I really think we go way too far in thinking about some things. Why do we love someone? Why is someone attractive to us? Just go with the flow, I keep telling myself.
There is a point here, and here it is. Having Lara writing such erotic emails to me, telling me how she is having multiple orgasms, daily, reading my words, was mind blowing. I have no idea why I deserved that much eroticism. In fact, I know for a fact, that I didn't deserve it. It took me a few days, maybe even a week or so to just relax and enjoy the exchange. Good thing I didn't wait too long since I only had thirty seven days. Each day it just got more relaxed and comfortable and natural, and of course more erotic. We both, at first, used a lot of words and analogies to explain it. It being the connection between us. I truly think she was as surprised as I was.
At one point she said something to the effect, "I was just looking for a lover, and I got you." I realize that doesn't mean a whole lot to anyone else but me, but, to me, it meant the world. My little world was expanding and exploding in ways foreign to me, and even though I didn't understand the process, it felt good. Extremely good.
Since, I'd never had an affair before I had no idea how it was going to feel. Granted, this was not a physical affair, but from everything I have read, and I have read a lot lately about this, an emotional affair can be just as powerful as, or more so, than a physical affair. Of course some professionals don't use the word powerful. They use the word destructive. But since you already know my thoughts on the subject, you know why I used powerful and not destructive.
In this whole process, I never felt one ounce of guilt. Not one fucking ounce. And keep in mind this was before I knew about Dewayne and my cheating wife. Lara was so cute a times. Actually all the time. She talked about herself as a cheater, in jest, of course, because she wasn't a cheater at all. 'Cheater Lara', she called herself. She was cheating on her hubby with me, but, as we know she wasn't, because he knew and he was cheating on her, but he wasn't, as we know, because she knew. So I do the same with Abby, in my mind. 'My cheater Abby'. Everything in context.
When Lara went away, and when I send her emails even though she wasn't responding, and then when I kept my thirty day journal/diary, I tried very hard to keep the thing, which is a pitiful word for what we had, but the best I can come up with right now, that we had created protected from what I feared would be the eventual destruction of it (the thing) by time and my own human weaknesses such as self pity and anger and resentment and all the other garbage we as human are capable of. Maybe that's one of the good things about getting older, i.e. even if you don't become a better person by eliminating the things I just mentioned from your consciousness; at least you learn to identify them.
So protecting our thing, our us, our affair, our emotional involvement became the prime directive. I didn't want it to become tainted or sullied, and I have to admit, that after three and a half months, it hasn't, on my side. I have no idea how Lara is handling it on her side, though. She may think I am the biggest jerk or asshole or whatever. It's hard to conceive of that, but I do accept the possibility. But even when I allow that thought to enter my head, it doesn't change what I feel about her. I feel good that I feel good about her. I hope I always will.
I keep having to ad this disclaimer. Maybe at some point, I will have satisfied myself and won't need to any more. But for now, I still do.
I love Abby tremendously. Lara is not, and was not, a replacement for her. I totally reject the idea that you can only love one person at a time. That may have been what I was taught. Hell, it was what I was taught. By my experience, here, in this world, with my life, my empirical information that I know is true, tells me, with absolute certainty, that it is possible to love two people at the same time without diminishing the love for either person. I told Lara, in my journal, that one of the most important things I learned from her, and us, is that. And I told her I was forever grateful to her, and goddess, for letting me learn that simple but profound lesson.
Chapter 22: Why Does Abby Always Do the Man vs. Woman Thing?
There's one thing about Abby that drives me crazy. Well, a lot of things actually, but one in particular. And I know I do things that drive her crazy too, so I'm not looking to change her, which is not possible, and that is good, but I'd just like for her to, on occasion, try and be a little more open minded on the man vs woman thing.
Let me define this thing. It's a thing whereby a man or a woman, thinking their gender is better in some way than the other gender, disregards all information, of any kind, in every situation, that might point out that their gender is ever wrong.
I mean really, haven't we evolved enough as a society that we, as men and women, can move beyond the gender battle? Can't we suspend our own gender bias in at least some situations and look objectively at a problem and find a solution without reverting to "it's obviously his fault" or "it's obviously her fault?"
Abby seems to always take a woman's side in a conflict. Not that we are involved in other people's conflicts all that much or at all. Just the conflicts we read about in the news or see on TV. Doesn't really matter what the circumstances are, the woman is always right. I'm wondering if it's a self preservation thing. Is it like she has to fight for her rights or all women's rights or something along those lines?
Maybe there's a secret sisterhood of women that she belongs to and one of their solemn vows is to take the woman's side no matter what. Well, if so, I'm going to out Abby, see below, because there was one time in our twenty four years of marriage when Abby clearly, without hesitation, never wavering, took the man's side.
Her woman is always right shit does impact our daily lives, because I like to try and be objective and look at all sides of an issue, and we are going to disagree on those occasions, yes you guessed it, when I take the man's side. That's probably about fifty percent of the time. The other fifty percent of the time, I take the woman's side and we don't argue. I guess I should be happy about that fifty percent.
I guess I'm sounding pretty self righteous here. Me, the objective one, and Abby the 'stuck in the mental mud' one. I'll have to work on that and get back to that point later, but I'd better tell you about Abby and her one time thinking that the man was right, before I forget. Thi
s is a treasure.
One more character to introduce. Actually two, but they won't come up again, so don't waste any energy trying to remember their names. Abby comes for a large Irish Catholic family. Remember I told you about the asshole nuns who fucked up Abby at an early age by trying to repress her sexuality. Anyway, she has two sisters and four brothers, and the clear favorite in the family, the chosen one, who actually is a pretty nice guy in my opinion, is the oldest boy, Bobby. Lawyer. Smart. Personable. Good Looking. He is married, to Sharon. Nice lady. Also smart, personable and good looking. Sharon has worked for a lot of years while raising four pretty cool kids. Bobby has made the lion's share of the money due he's a lawyer. But Sharon worked in the trenches and did most of the work of raising the kids and running the home while still holding a full time job, most of the time. Pretty modern situation these days.
Abby and Sharon were friends for most of their lives because Bobby and Sharon met and started dating at something like eight years old, or so, I've been told. Sharon is one of those moms that kids have to love. She truly likes being a mom and doesn't mind having other kids over and really has devoted most of her life to the family.
You can guess what's coming. Bobby is a good father for sure, but, as time goes by, he, like a lot of red blooded American men, gets the wandering eye, maybe because Sharon is not paying enough attention to him, but that's just speculation on my part, and he finds some action on the side. Far be it for me to condemn him for that.
I'm George, mwm, 52 Page 6
