by Sandy Taylor
Some boys from the stockroom were kicking a ball round the yard, bouncing it off some empty crates that were stacked along the wall. I felt like getting up and joining in. I wanted to run about and be silly. I wanted to tell everyone about Ralph.
‘The thing is,’ Mary said, ‘I never know where I am with Elton, sometimes he wants to be with me and then at other times he acts as if I don’t exist.’
‘It was the same at school though, wasn’t it?’ I said, taking a banana out of my bag and offering her half. She shook her head.
‘I suppose it was,’ she said.
‘So he hasn’t really changed, has he? Maybe he still has some growing up to do.’
‘Do you remember that teacher that used to take us for History?’ she said.
‘Mrs Dicks?’
‘No, Mrs Roberts. Do you remember that story she told us about a bloke called Achilles?’
‘Vaguely,’ I said.
‘I’ve never forgotten that story,’ she said. ‘It was about this bloke who was really strong, except for his heel.’
‘I remember,’ I said. ‘I thought it was a bit daft, I mean why would you be strong everywhere but your heel?’
‘Well, I think I’m a bit like Achilles.’
‘What, with a weak heel?’
And that made Mary giggle, which set me off. I was laughing so much I got a pain in my side, and tears were streaming down Mary’s face.
‘I’m serious,’ said Mary eventually, wiping her eyes on her cardigan.
‘Okay,’ I said, trying to compose myself, ‘I’m listening.’
‘I think,’ said Mary, ‘that Elton is my Achilles heel.’
I had a feeling that actually Mary could be right, because in every other part of her life, she was brave and strong and funny, but where Elton was concerned she seemed to lose herself and quite frankly become a bit... strange.
‘Still,’ she said, sounding like the old Mary. ‘What are you going to wear on your date with Ralph?’
‘I haven’t got a clue,’ I said.
‘Well, that’s what we can do tonight,’ she said, smiling. ‘I’ll come round to your house and help you choose an outfit.’
‘Thanks, Mary,’ I said.
‘Come on,’ she said, grabbing my arm. ‘Let’s give the boys a run for their money.’
We both jumped up and started wrestling the boys for the ball.
* * *
When I opened my eyes the next morning I had this warm tingly feeling in my tummy. Today I was going to see Ralph. Today would be our first date, just us, the two of us, on our own, with nobody else to worry about. I snuggled back down under the covers, smiling. I wanted to bottle this feeling and keep it with me forever. I could hear Rita snuffling away in the bed next to me. She was lying on her back with one arm dangling down the side of the bed, she looked quite serene lying there. Pity she couldn’t stay like that.
I pushed back the covers and opened the curtains. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t raining; I needn’t have worried, sun streamed into the bedroom.
‘Bloody hell,’ screamed Rita from the bed as the light fell across her face. ‘Some of us are trying to sleep, you know!’
‘Sorry,’ I whispered, letting the curtain fall back. I took my dressing gown from behind the hook on the door and went downstairs. Mum was in the kitchen sitting at the table, a cup of tea in front of her.
‘You’re up early,’ she said, smiling at me.
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ I said.
‘Cup of tea?’ she asked, standing up.
‘Thanks, I’d love one,’ I said. I opened the back door and sat on the step. It was a perfect day. The sun was warm on my face and a soft breeze was rustling the leaves on the trees. There was a cool softness to the air and everywhere looked fresh and new. I know that spring is supposed to be a time of new beginnings, but for me, from now on, it would be forever autumn.
‘Here you are,’ said Mum, handing me a mug of tea and sitting down beside me. I pulled the sleeves of my dressing gown down over my hands and cradled the hot mug.
‘Isn’t it a lovely day?’ I said, smiling at her.
‘And it’s even lovelier having you all to myself,’ she said, smiling.
I took a deep breath, and turned to her. ‘I’ve got a date today,’ I said.
‘That’s nice,’ said Mum. She didn’t seem surprised. ‘Who’s the lucky boy?’
‘Ralph Bennett,’ I said.
‘Have you known him long?’ said Mum.
‘I’ve known him forever,’ I said. ‘We were at school together.’
‘So that’s why you couldn’t sleep,’ said Mum, linking her arm through mine.
‘He’s nice,’ I said.
‘Has he by any chance got rather beautiful red hair?’ said Mum.
‘How did you know that?’
‘Because he was always hanging around.’
‘Where?’ I said.
‘Round the street,’ said Mum. ‘You know, cycling up and down outside the house.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. ‘Really?’ I said, smiling.
‘Especially in the holidays,’ said Mum. ‘I said hello to him once. I’ve never seen anyone go that red, that quick.’
‘That sounds like Ralph,’ I said, laughing.
‘My little girl is growing up eh?’ said Mum.
‘Not so little,’ I said.
‘Actually you’re a lot littler than you used to be, I told you that puppy fat would drop off you.’
‘Me and Mary used to laugh about that, imagining all the places where the fat could drop off,’ I said.
‘You and Mary Pickles,’ said Mum. ‘You’ve had a wonderful friendship, haven’t you?’
‘I’ve been lucky,’ I said.
‘You’ve both been lucky,’ said Mum. ‘Does she know about Ralph?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘So she’s happy for you then?’
‘I think so,’ I said, sipping at the hot tea.
‘Things may start to change,’ said Mum.
‘In what way?’ I asked.
‘Well, if you continue seeing Ralph, things will be different between you and Mary, and that’s normal.’
‘I don’t want things to change,’ I said.
‘You’ve got a big heart, Dottie,’ said Mum. ‘And there’s plenty of room in it for both of them.’
‘I hope so,’ I said.
‘When you were born,’ said Mum, ‘Rita was only three, so I made sure that my lap was big enough for both of you so that she wouldn’t feel left out.’
‘I’m not sure I want both of them on my lap,’ I said, giggling.
‘I think Clark got his sense of humour from you,’ said Mum, smiling. ‘Now why don’t you have a bath, before Rita surfaces, you can use my Ashes of Roses bath salts.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, standing up. I bent down and kissed the top of her head.
It was lovely lying in the bath. The room was all steamy and it smelt lovely. I lay there wondering what our date would be like, what we would talk about and whether we might actually kiss. I stayed there dreaming until the water was cold and my fingers had turned into prunes.
When I got back downstairs, Rita was sitting in the middle of the kitchen with a towel round her shoulders staring into the mirror which was propped up on the sink. Mum was practising different ways of doing Rita’s hair for ‘The Wedding’. It was the First Rehearsal at the church the next evening and we had to practise walking down the aisle.
‘Waste of flippin’ time,’ said Dad. ‘I mean, how difficult can it be, walking down an aisle? I know how to walk, I don’t need to practise.’
I agreed with Dad that having a rehearsal this far ahead of the actual wedding was an awful lot of fuss and bother for one day and also I agreed with Clark that it was really, really boring, and that made three of us who would be really glad when it was all over. But another part of me was actually, secretly, enjoying all the preparations. I was a bit excited about
the day itself and there was one thing that I was really looking forward to. After ‘The Wedding’, Rita would be moving out, which meant I could have a bedroom all to myself for the first time in my whole life! I would finally, at last, have some privacy. I would be able to have the dressing table all to myself! And when Mary came round we could go up to my room without Rita coming in and sneering at us for being immature. I could hardly wait!
Mum ignored Dad as she quite often did. She had curled two strands of Rita’s hair so that they sort of twizzled down either side of her face and if my big sister hadn’t been scowling so much she might actually have looked quite nice.
Mum stepped back to admire her handiwork.
‘Oh, you look lovely!’ she said. Rita peered at her reflection this way and that.
‘I don’t know…’ she said, pulling at one of the twizzles. ‘It’s still a bit ordinary.’
‘Flowers,’ said Mum. ‘Once we’ve got those plastic flowers in your hair you’ll look like a princess.’
I rolled my eyes and unfortunately Rita saw me in the mirror and she pulled a troll face back.
‘What about you?’ she asked. ‘What are you going to do with your hair?’
‘Funny you should mention that, Rita,’ I said ‘because I’m thinking of dyeing it “Tantalising Tawny”. It says on the box that it turns heads.’
‘No you’re not,’ she squealed. ‘She’s not, is she, Mum?’
‘Oh I don’t know, it might be nice for Dottie to have a bit of a change.’
‘Not on my wedding day she’s not,’ said Rita, glaring at me. ‘If anyone’s going to be turning heads it’s me.’
‘I expect you’ll both turn heads,’ said Mum, winking at me.
‘This is the most important day of my life and I’m not having her ruining it.’
‘She won’t ruin anything. I’m sure you will both look lovely,’ said Mum.
‘Well I’m not having her spoiling the photographs with a tawny head.’
‘I think it will bring out my eyes,’ I said.
‘Which one?’ said Clark.
‘Enough now,’ said Mum.
Chapter Thirteen
Ralph and I followed a public footpath up through the Downs. It was really high up there and green and it seemed a million miles from anywhere. You felt like you could do anything you wanted to do, be anyone, go anywhere. Once we’d reached the top of the Devil’s Dyke we could see for miles in all directions. The South Downs snaked away to either side of us, the whole of England was stretched out behind us and in front was Brighton and the sea, brilliant in the early autumn sunlight. It was really windy up there and the grass was moving, making the fields look as if they were doing some mad kind of dance. Seagulls swooped in the sky, and the leaves of the trees in the distance were showing the very first signs of changing colour for autumn.
I pulled the sleeves of my cardigan down over my fingers.
‘Imagine living up here,’ I said. ‘Imagine seeing this every morning when you looked out of the window.’
‘One day I’ll build you a house,’ said Ralph. I glanced across at him to see if he was being sarcastic. He was smiling. Ralph didn’t know how to be sarcastic, he was just joining in a game.
‘Just a little one,’ I said. ‘It doesn’t have to be big.’
‘With a porch. Like you see in all those American films.’
‘And a rocking chair…’
‘Two rocking chairs…’
‘Of course! That’s what I meant. Two rocking chairs.’
I smiled up at Ralph to let him know that I was with him in the game and that it didn’t have to be just a game. Ralph walked away a few steps and stood gazing out over the cleft in the hillside. It was dotted with rather dirty-looking sheep. I’d pulled my cardigan tighter round me and shivered. The wind was blowing my hair all over my face. I walked a little way until I was standing just behind Ralph.
‘Why do they call it the Devil’s Dyke?’ I asked.
He was still lost in thought.
‘Ralph?’
‘Sorry,’ he said.
‘The Devil’s Dyke. Why do they call it that?’
‘It’s an old legend.’
I laughed. ‘Not a scary one, I hope.’
‘My gran used to tell me the story. She said the Devil wanted to flood the Weald but he was disturbed by an old woman putting a lighted candle in her window.’
‘A candle in a window was enough to stop the Devil?’
Ralph laughed at this.
‘It should be called old woman’s dyke,’ I said. ‘Or candle’s dyke. Or tiny-little-light-in-a-window’s dyke.’
‘The legend goes on to say that as the Devil escaped across the English Channel, a clod of earth from the dyke fell from his cloven foot and into the sea and that became the Isle of Wight.’
‘My sister Rita’s going to the Isle of Wight for her honeymoon,’ I said and suddenly we both found this hilariously funny and ended up with tears rolling down our faces.
‘I haven’t laughed that much in ages,’ said Ralph, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.
I stepped closer and slipped my arm through his. He smiled down at me.
‘I’m glad he didn’t flood it,’ I said, looking out across the swaying fields. ‘Because it’s beautiful.’
Very quietly, Ralph said: ‘So are you.’
I laughed. ‘No I’m not.’
‘You are to me.’
‘You need glasses then.’
‘Why are you always putting yourself down?’
I shrugged my shoulders. The truth is that I had never thought of myself as pretty. I mean, I didn’t think I was ugly but I wasn’t pretty like Mary and Rita, at least no one, up until now, had ever said I was. I was tall, almost as tall as Ralph, but I wasn’t tall and willowy, I was kind of solid. Aunty Brenda said I was well-built, which wasn’t exactly flattering. I had grey eyes, which I quite liked, and nice thick hair, okay it was a kind of mousy-brown colour but it was shiny and thick. So, to sum up, I was tall, well-built, I had mousy brown hair and grey eyes, and I wouldn’t go down in history as one of life’s great beauties.
‘You are beautiful to me,’ said Ralph, breaking into my thoughts.
I glanced up at him. Ralph was looking at me with a tenderness that I’d never noticed in anyone before. He meant what he said; I knew he did.
I couldn’t speak. It was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me, ever.
Then he said: ‘Will you be my girlfriend, Dottie?’
No, that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I’d love to be your girlfriend.’
Then Ralph took off his jacket and laid it on the grass and I sat on it, holding my knees, and he bought me an ice cream from the van that was parked up on the top, then we just sat quietly holding hands, listening to the sound of the grass blowing in the wind and looking down the dyke towards the little village of Poynings nestling in the valley below us, and I felt like the luckiest, happiest, girl in the world.
* * *
That autumn was the best autumn of my entire life. It was one of those beautiful autumns where the leaves change colour on the trees very slowly and the sunlight is always bright and you can see your breath in the air in the mornings. I noticed everything about that autumn, things that were there before but that I’d never noticed, like the little spider webs caught in the leaves of the privet hedges and the shine on the milk-bottle tops and the way the aeroplanes on the way to Gatwick Airport made stripes in the sky that slowly faded away to nothing.
For the first time since I was a really small child I liked getting up in the morning. Before, I’d eke out every last second in bed that I could. I’d hide my head under the sheets and pretend I couldn’t hear Mum calling, especially at that time of year when the weather started to turn colder. Not any more! Now I was up before Rita, who always got up early to nab the bathroom first. I had so much energy, I couldn’t wait to be washed and dressed an
d out of the front door and walking up the twitten to meet Mary so that we could walk to the bus stop together.
I saw Ralph at least three times a week, sometimes more than that, and even when I didn’t see him, he’d put little notes through the door just saying he missed me and that he’d been thinking about me and if I wasn’t ready when he came to the house he’d sit at the kitchen table and Mum would give him a cup of tea. When he could, which wasn’t often enough for me, he’d come into Woolworths and take me out at lunchtime. The other girls would tease me, they’d say: ‘Oh here comes lover boy!’ but I enjoyed the teasing. As soon as it was my lunch hour, we’d go and sit on a bench and eat our sandwiches and he’d tell me about the funny stuff that had happened to him in the morning and I’d tell him about the mad customers we had.
‘Does Ralph ever talk about me and Elton?’ Mary asked one afternoon. We’d finished work and had walked down to the seafront. A brisk wind was blowing in off the sea, and the few people that were about were huddled inside their coats and hats. A woman pushing a pram was having trouble holding onto it as the wind caught under the hood and tried to drag it from her. Down the street an umbrella rolled on its own, spinning round and round. I felt the first drops of icy rain sting against my cheeks. The sea and the sky were both grey and surly.
‘Let’s go into the cafe,’ I said. I hoped to change the subject when we were inside. But once we’d ordered tea and buns, and sat down at a little table by the window, Mary started up again.
‘I just wondered if Ralph had said anything to you about Elton saying anything about me,’ she said, picking the currants out of her bun. I took a big bite of mine. The cafe windows were steamed up. Condensation was running down the inside, mirroring the raindrops that trickled down the outside of the glass.
I took a deep breath. I looked across the table at Mary. She was staring down at her plate and her shoulders were hunched. She wasn’t at all like the cheerful, fun-loving girl I used to know. I was trying so hard not to be annoyed by her constantly going on about Elton, but, if I’m honest, it was beginning to get to me. She went round and round in circles, never going anywhere, never moving on.
