by Mia Kayla
Present Day
I AWOKE THE NEXT MORNING to continual pokes to my sides.
“You up yet?”
Poke, poke, poke.
Jimmy pushed at my stomach with his pointer finger as I inched away, feeling him hit my tickle spots.
I squealed a little and squinted at the morning sun shining brightly through my bedroom window. “What time is it?” I asked, my voice hoarse from sleep.
“Time for breakfast,” he said playfully. He wiggled his eyebrows and leaned into my face, his smiling self way too cheery in the morning.
“Cool. Bacon and eggs—over easy on the eggs.” I flipped onto my stomach, desperate for just a little more shut-eye.
He continued with his jolly morning spirit. He was always so happy in the morning. I, on the other hand, was not so much.
He poked at my side again. “Come on, Boo, I’m hungry. I’ve been watching you sleep for the last hour.”
I pushed my face against my pillow. My tangled and matted hair rustled against the cotton fabric. White film coated the side of my mouth from dried drool, and I could barely open my eyes. I rubbed my face against the cotton, trying to remove any remnants of the morning mess on my face.
I was sure the women he was used to waking up next to probably slept with their makeup on and looked impeccable in the morning.
I hated that.
I remembered a time when he’d have me guess the flavor of toothpaste he’d used. We’d spend over an hour in the bathroom with me closing my eyes and him brushing his teeth with different flavors from bubblegum to mint to grape. When he finished, he’d blow his breath in my face, and I’d try to guess the flavor.
We were too comfortable around each other. Maybe that was the issue. Where was the excitement in that?
I pushed myself up and rubbed my eyes with my palms, still trying to wake up from my half-sleeping state.
“Can you make me some pancakes?” Jimmy jutted out his lip, playing for cute. He didn’t even have to play though. He was always cute.
This adorable creature made my stomach flip, and I swallowed hard, trying to tame his effect on me.
Even this early in the morning, I had an overwhelming desire to just grab his ears, tug him toward me, and plant a big one right on his lips, acting as if it were the norm between us.
I wanted to tell him, Marry me already. I’ve already smelled your morning breath, and no one else can deal.
But I kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself. Instead, I replied, “Sure, pancakes coming right up.”
In the kitchen, I cracked a few eggs into the glass bowl and picked up the whisk to stir.
“Boo, can you come over here?” Jimmy called from the bathroom.
I continued stirring, watching the yellowish liquid start to form tiny bubbles. “One sec.”
I poured the eggs into the pan, preparing them how Jimmy liked them with tomatoes, green onions, and cheese. My head perked up as he strolled out…in only a towel. If I didn’t have any self-control, drool would have been streaming down my chin.
He pointed to the bathroom. “Spider,” he said, casting me a shy glance.
With that one word, he acted as if I should know what to do and what my purpose in life was. He’d inducted me into the spider-killing club when we were eight. I was the sole member, fighting to save him from spiders one day at a time.
I shook my head, turned off the stove, and picked up my slipper. “Seriously?”
I walked into the bathroom, spotting the teeny-tiny black spider skittering across the floor. It was barely the size of a pinhead. Rolling my eyes, I smacked it and picked it up with a tissue.
“I can see it now,” I teased. “ESPN exclusive—Jim Brason, quarterback of the New York Cougars, dodges two-hundred-and-fifty-pound linebackers, but he screams like a girl at the sight of a spider.” Without a fuss, I tossed the tissue into the toilet and flushed the creepy crawler down.
When I came out, my eyes flew automatically to his eight-pack. I needed to send a thank-you card to his personal trainer. I caught myself gawking like a fangirl and then moved my eyes upward to meet his.
“Ha-ha, funny girl.” He narrowed his eyes at me, touching the tip of my nose, while he held his towel up with his other hand. “Arachnophobia—Google it. It’s a real thing. Plus, you can’t tell anyone. You pinky swore.”
My pulse increased at his vicinity, and I wondered what would happen if I pulled the towel away on accident.
Whoops, did I just do that?
I groaned internally. These emotions were killing me. It was like having a roller coaster inside of my own body.
Up, down, up, down. Come closer, go away, come closer.
I was a wreck. My hormones were wreaking havoc on my sanity.
He turned his perfectly sculpted back to me, returning to the bathroom as I walked back to the kitchen.
“I promised when we were eight,” I said loudly, reminding him. “I’m not sure that’s even valid anymore.”
God, he’s so damn sexy. I was worried I might sweat on my eggs that were already cooked.
“Hey, can I use your toothbrush?” Jimmy called from the bathroom. “I forgot mine.”
“Sure,” I hollered back, not realizing how weird his question was. After it hit me, I laughed silently.
Not only should it be really gross that he was about to use my toothbrush, but if I wanted to, I could also probably auction that puppy off to Kelly for a free cup of coffee during one of our study dates. I pictured her bringing her lips to the tip of the toothbrush just so she could taste him.
I let that amusing thought simmer as I scooped the omelet from the frying pan onto the plate, and then I moved the pancake pan to the front burner. The scent of grease filled my one-bedroom apartment, and my stomach growled in anticipation of a full-on meal for breakfast.
During school days, I’d usually just grab a bagel and coffee. But with Jimmy around, I’d made a full meal. It was a pleasant contrast to sit and chat with someone rather than grabbing breakfast and running out the door.
I smiled at Jimmy as he approached the kitchen island, now using his towel to dry his hair.
Maybe I could auction that off, too, I thought absently.
“Boo, I love you.” It was a simple statement, something he’d been saying to me since we were children.
But those words meant so much more to me now, more than the words meant to him. It was almost as if he was saying, The sky is blue. There was no inflection, no passion. It was just pure fact.
Still, I cherished every time those words slipped out of his mouth, which was every so often. I just wished he’d say it slower and with more feeling.
“You and Hilda are the only ones who cook me breakfast.” He plopped on the barstool by the island and threw the towel on the back of his stool.
“Watch,” I said, giving him a wink from where I stood by the stove. “Watch the master.” I gripped the handle of the pan and flicked my wrist, the round pancake flipping over and landing flawlessly on its other side. It was perfection. In my former life, I would have been a cook on Top Chef.
A low chuckle left his lips, and both dimples appeared on his cheeks. His eyes lit up as though I were the funniest person on earth.
“Hold the applause, please,” I said, bowing for him.
I slid the delectable pancake onto the plate, placed the plateful of eggs, pancakes, and bacon in front of him, and plopped on the stool next to him. The aroma of grease filtered through my senses, making my stomach grumble in response.
“Quite a spread we have here,” he said. “Thanks, Boo.”
He kissed me on the cheek, and I couldn’t even make eye contact because my pulse raced at the feel of his lips on my skin.
“You’re welcome.”
I closed my eyes to say grace, and when I opened them, Jimmy was staring at me.
“What?” I asked him, curious in what was going through his mind.
He focused his eyes on me, never wavering. He shoo
k his head, smirked, and scooped a pancake onto my plate. I marveled how perfect my pancake had turned out—exactly golden, not burned.
“So, are you leaving tomorrow?” I asked, pouring syrup onto his pancakes and then on mine.
My eyes paused on the caramel-colored liquid on his plate as it hit me how natural it was to serve him syrup. It was crazy that our movements were in sync and automatic—him putting pancakes on my plate and me serving him syrup.
“Yeah. I have this charity function tonight and then an after-party.” He used his knife and fork to cut up his meal, and a small frown formed on his face.
I wondered what he was thinking, if his thoughts mirrored mine. I was reminded of the few hours we had together before he had to leave for New York.
“Do you have fun, doing those things?” I asked because I couldn’t imagine it.
His life was drastically different from mine—and most of the general population. Jimmy played football for a living, but there was so much more to it. There were obligations that came with that job—the press, the publicity, and the charity functions.
Did he truly enjoy every aspect of his career?
He scooped another serving of eggs onto his plate. Jimmy ate like a beast. Thankfully, I had another full dozen in my fridge.
“Kinda.” He shrugged. “It’s for a good cause,” he said between chews. “Tonight, the NFL Foundation is hosting a fundraiser. The tickets are two hundred dollars apiece.”
His eyebrows pulled in as he ran one hand through his hair, the tips sticking up like a porcupine. I wanted to run my fingers through his sexy locks and pull hard.
“But, yeah, it gets tiring sometimes,” he said, breaking me out of my thoughts.
“What do you do at those things?” I swirled a piece of my pancake in the puddle of syrup on my plate. “You’ve never invited me.” I had never been interested in going to those extravagant events, but every ounce of me wanted to be where Jimmy was, especially knowing we only had until tomorrow before I’d be dropping him off at the airport..
He paused to examine me, his fork stopping midair. “I never knew you wanted to go. You never want to go out,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Well, you could at least ask me and then let me decide.” I took a gulp of my orange juice, peering at him with my wide blue eyes.
I pushed down the disappointment that it hadn’t crossed his mind to extend an invitation just to spend more time with me. He knew it wasn’t my sort of thing, but still.
“True. You’re right, Boo.” He nodded in agreement as he cleaned off his plate, inhaling the rest of his pancake. “I’d invite you now, but I think it’s all sold out,” he said between chews.
“What about the after-party?” I asked. It sounded even less appealing than the function itself, but at least it would be a way to hang out with him. “I don’t have anything planned today. I’m just visiting Mom this morning.”
I crossed my legs under the table and my fingers behind my back. I felt like a little girl, hoping beyond hope.
“It’s at a club,” he warned, knowing very well that I hated clubs.
In general, I hated any place where there were lots of people. I avoided the mall like the plague. The only crowded place I visited regularly was a football stadium, and that was all because of Jimmy and my addiction to watching him play.
Even during our undergrad, whenever I’d had free time or a break from school, he’d booked me a flight and put tickets to his games on hold for me.
“So?” I tried to hide the disappointment on my face from knowing that the party would be at a club.
I’d suffer through it, so I could spend a few more hours with him before he had to leave. I released a silent sigh at the reality of our relationship. I wouldn’t see him for months when the football season started.
He dropped his fork and scratched the top of his head. His eyes showed such conflict. “Uh…okay. I’m sure I can get a ticket for the after-party.”
His smiley cheeriness seemed to diminish, and I wondered if my going would ruin his game with other girls.
Good, I thought defiantly. He didn’t need them anyway.
I pushed around the last small bite of eggs on my plate, and then I shoved them in my mouth and swallowed. “Hey, if you don’t want me to go, that’s fine,” I said, accentuating the last word that he hated so much.
A scowl formed on his face. “It’s not that,” he insisted.
There was hesitation in his tone as if he really didn’t want me to go.
“Then, what?” I got up from the stool and reached for his plate, placing it on top of mine, and I walked the dishes to the sink, glancing back at him.
He stretched his neck from side to side, releasing tension. “Nothing. I’ll get you a ticket.” He sounded irritated, but I no longer cared.
I gave him my sweetest smile, knowing I’d won. I sorted the dirty dishes in the dishwasher as my insides screamed with excitement that I would be spending the evening with him.
Score.
Honestly, what had I been thinking when I stopped answering his calls?
I’d forced myself to believe that if I avoided him, he’d accept it as it was, and distance would drive our relationship apart. It wasn’t as though we didn’t already live the bulk of our lives apart.
Distancing myself wasn’t a good idea. I had hurt him by avoiding him, and it was too much effort on my part to try to stay apart.
I just needed to keep my feelings in check, and then I could spend more time with him. This would work.
Yeah, I can do that.
I had no idea why I had been purposely killing myself. All I knew was, as hard as I had tried, I couldn’t stay away from Jimmy, and there was no way Jimmy was going to stay away from me.
Because I couldn’t tell him the truth, I would just have to secretly love him and suffer in silence.
Jimmy had to run errands, but before he left, he hugged me good-bye and told me he’d see me later. I held him a little tighter, committing his scent to memory until the next time I’d see him, which seemed silly since I was going to see him tonight.
As soon as he stepped out the door, I showered and headed out to visit my mother, something I did every weekend since I’d moved out.
Pulling up the circular driveway, I turned off the ignition and took in the sight of the green leaves swishing against the summer breeze. Soon, the green leaves would redden around the edges and fall on the ground in a beautiful array of oranges, reds, and yellows.
I always loved fall with the chill in the air and the rustle of leaves against the grass. Thinking about the holidays that came during that season brought the scents of pumpkin pie and cinnamon to the surface.
My eyes took in the palatial red-brick mansion. The bricks that had chipped from the wear of time created a whitewash effect.
I typed the code on the keypad and entered, reveling in the quiet. It felt weird, coming into this home like I was a guest. I used to wake up on the second floor every day—well, until I’d decided to move out at twenty-two and go to law school.
“Mom,” I called out, making my way to the stairs. I was sure she was in her room as always.
The glint of the white marble tiles indicated that they had been recently cleaned. The scent of pine cleaning solution filtered throughout the whole house. I pictured her on all fours, scrubbing the tiles with her Pine-Sol until she could see her reflection.
We used to have help, but we’d let them go a while back. Now, my mother did it all—the cleaning, the dusting, and the cooking.
She’d said it made her happy to be busy, doing things around the house, but I knew the real reason. Staying busy would keep her mind occupied and away from obsessive thoughts. If cleaning till exhaustion suited her, then that was fine by me. It was better than having her the other way—depressed.
I pushed open her bedroom door and peered in.
“Hey, honey.” Her eyes crinkled as they met mine, a smile evident on her face.
Pleated black pants clung to her hips, and her white silk top was tight around every curve. In her favorite choice of clothing, she looked like she was going to attend a business brunch.
My insides constricted as I took in the scene. “Hey, Mom. What are you doing?” On her king-sized bed, I noted the various ties and suits, all Dad’s clothing, and my stomach dropped.
“I just found these in your father’s closet.” She lifted up a light-blue shirt and striped tie. “He’d look great in this, right?” Excitement leaked from her voice.
I cringed. Dread flooded to the surface as goose bumps prickled my skin.
“Sure, Mom.” I slowly dragged my feet toward her.
I felt nauseous all of a sudden, my mouth turning dry, as she skittered into the walk-in closet in an almost frantic fashion.
“Oh, I know he has a pair of pants that would go great with that shirt,” she said from the closet.
My shoulders sagged as my jaw locked. This was not good.
I tightly clenched my eyes before I lost it and called my landlord to tell him I’d forgo the deposit because I was moving back home to take care of my mom. I could commute to law school in the city. I’d done it all through undergrad. I was stupid to have listened to Jimmy and moved out.
“Mom, do you wanna catch a movie or something? Let’s get out of here,” I said, my voice shaking. I didn’t know why I was asking. The answer was always the same, but I needed to divert her attention somehow.
Please, Lord, don’t let this be happening.
“It’s in here somewhere.” Her voice softened, getting more muffled the deeper she went into the closet. She was completely ignoring me.
I took a deep breath and stepped into the closet. She ducked her head to the lower row of pressed pants hanging neatly and in order by color.
“Mom, please…I’ve been driving for forty-five minutes. I came all the way from downtown Let’s go catch a movie or something.” My heart slowed to a sluggish beat.
“Oh, yes. We can watch one on Netflix. Give me a moment.” Her hands shuffled through the pants, one by one. “Maybe we can invite Claire. I called her today. She said she wasn’t doing anything and might stop by.”
