by Mia Kayla
“Nothing. Just school. Sorry, my life is not as exciting as the big bad quarterback,” I teased sarcastically.
My cheeks hurt from my smile, and my insides sang with contentment. Before last week, all that time I’d spent avoiding him was so desolate and lonely. Today was good. It felt normal and right.
He chuckled. “If you lived my life for a day, I swear, you’d want your life back tomorrow.”
“Says the guy who plays football for a living.”
His carefree laugh made my stomach flip, and I couldn’t stop the slew of butterflies in my belly from fluttering.
“Gotta meet my agent, and I’m going downtown to see the GM. That reminds me. I really need to get going.” He sighed heavily. “I’ll see you this weekend though. Are you excited for your birth—” He stopped mid-word because he knew better. “Birthing classes.” He chuckled at his quick but stupid cover-up.
“Nice, Jimmy,” I muttered. “Nice.”
“I know you usually like to stay in, but it’s your golden,” he urged sweetly. “We can’t not celebrate the most important day of the year. Twenty-three on the twenty-third.”
“Whatever,” I answered weakly, ready to be done talking about this even though I hated for our call to be cut so short.
“Without you, there’s no me,” he reminded me. “You know I’m right.”
I laughed at his corniness. “Go to your important meeting, Jimmy.”
“Love you, Boo-Boo. See you this weekend.”
“Yeah, for my birthing classes. I remember.”
We both laughed before we hung up.
The long day at school had fried my brain, so Monday night, I lay on the couch in my pajamas with my tub of Salted Caramel on my lap. Who needs dinner when you had ice cream? Kelly had called earlier, wanting to come over, but I just wanted to detox from a long day of Legal Stats.
At the beginning of the year, I had loaded up on credit hours the first semester, so I would be able to finish a year early. But then, after I’d realized the hell I had chosen, I’d decided to take it a little easier the second semester and just take classes during the summer.
I continued to flip through the channels with my two best friends, Ben & Jerry, on my lap.
I was hoping Jimmy would call me just to check in. It was always a toss-up whether he’d call me in the evenings, but it didn’t prevent me from hoping. Getting a little bored and lonely, I debated on calling Kelly, but I knew she was busy.
When my phone finally rang, I perked up, but it wasn’t Jimmy. Evan’s name flashed on the screen. I blinked a couple of times, staring blankly at the phone.
There was no point in entertaining the idea of dating him. Yes, he was attractive, but it felt wrong to go behind Jimmy’s back and agree to something he wholeheartedly hadn’t approved of. Ultimately, I held the power over my dating life, but Jimmy’s opinion did matter to me whether I wanted it to or not.
When the ringing stopped, I waited a few seconds to see if he’d leave a voice mail. Thankfully, he hadn’t. I didn’t want to choose whether to call him back if he’d asked me to.
After a few minutes, my cell rang again, and my heart pounded in my chest. I couldn’t help but hope that it was Jimmy. This time, Mom flashed across the screen, and I picked up on the first ring.
“Hey,” I answered halfheartedly, lowering the volume on the TV.
“Hi, honey. I thought you were stopping by yesterday.” Her voice was cheery and normal. She sounded better than she had when I found her setting my father’s clothing on the bed a few days ago.
“Sorry, Jimmy was in town.”
“Oh, Claire didn’t mention it. Anyway, you’ll never guess.” Excitement was etched in her tone. “I went to the grocery store today. I was scanning through the magazines and saw him in People. He was with a pretty redhead. Has he mentioned her? Are they serious?”
My mother was digging for information. It was too bad I had none to give her. I knew as much as the tabloids told me.
Ever since college, the magazines and entertainment news had pegged him with different girls. When he had been drafted into the NFL, that attention had exploded. Clarisse was just the most recent arm candy. Jimmy was a looker for sure, and maybe that was why every tabloid was so interested in his love life. I had been thrown in there a couple of times until he’d told them that I was like his sister. Since pictures with his sister didn’t sell magazines, the media had left me alone after that.
Jimmy had told me not to believe all I’d read in the magazines, but still.
“Mom, don’t believe everything you read. Those people are just trying to sell magazines.” I also wanted to tell her that the Clarisse thing was old news. I rolled my eyes, but she couldn’t see.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she said absently. “He was with a blonde in Star Magazine last week.”
Ugh. “See?”
Rag mags were always the same. Any female Jimmy was next to would be his girlfriend all of a sudden.
My mother’s voice brought me back to the present. “I think I’m worse than his mom.” She chuckled. “I collect every magazine he’s in. I have a ton in the closet. I’m his secret stalker.”
“You’re cute,” I replied. It wasn’t lost on me that I wasn’t any better. At least my mother hadn’t watched Jimmy sleep.
She dismissed my comment. There was something strange in her tone as she went on cautiously, “So, I’m calling because…I wanted to know what you were doing for your birthday.”
I was surprised Mom had been brave enough to say the whole word, and it shocked me. I took a moment to collect myself, so I could make my voice steady. “Probably studying, or you could always come over for dinner,” I suggested, fiddling with my hair.
Her question made me nervous. The problem was, I had a simple rule if she wanted to hang out—treat my birthday as any other day. But the day I was born brought back so many memories for her, and I knew the rule I’d created was hard for her to keep.
Jimmy understood. Although he didn’t agree, he’d made a promise years ago, and he always fulfilled his promises. That was why it was usually just the two of us on my birthday.
“Well…” She still sounded hopeful. “I know Jimmy’s coming in this weekend to celebrate—” She paused, catching herself. “I mean, to see you. But maybe sometime next week, when he’s gone, we can do something?” Her tone sounded hopeful.
“Sounds good.” My breathing sped up as flashbacks of my father hit me.
“Maybe we can go out for some cake,” she said slowly.
I felt warmth behind my eyes as more and more thoughts of the past bubbled to the surface. I pictured my six-year-old self, bobbing, as my father plopped on my bed to wake me up, his present propped on his lap. I could still recall the pink polka dot wrapping paper and matching bow. Like a photomontage playing on the big screen, my mind flashed to the summer before college, my last birthday with him. It was only two weeks before he’d passed away. He had been by my side, grinning, as I’d blown out the candles on that over-the-top birthday cake.
My father had always overdone my birthday. “The day you were born was the day my life had purpose,” he’d said.
I’d stopped celebrating birthdays when my father passed away. I rubbed the center of my chest, willing the dull ache to stop. It was the same hurt I felt whenever I thought of him.
I had to clear my throat. I was starting to feel iffy about all of this. Maybe I wasn’t ready to do anything quite yet. Cake and gifts brought back too many memories.
“Mom, I’ll just come home next weekend, and we can do pizza instead.”
The silence on the phone stretched on until I heard her sigh softly.
“Okay,” she complied.
I sensed her sadness, but I couldn’t change how I felt. This was my way of dealing. I coped by not celebrating moments of my life, especially my birthday, because it wasn’t fair to celebrate without him.
“Hey, let me call you later. Love you,” I rushed out
before hanging up the phone. Then, I bit my lip and tried to block out the pain that was present every time I thought of my father.
At just that moment, Jimmy and the redhead flashed on the TV, and I reached for the remote to turn up the volume, thankful for the distraction. I felt the familiar jealousy already heating my cheeks.
The suited football analyst announced to his nicely dressed counterpart, “Clarisse Calari and Jim Brason have been seen together quite a bit. John, do you think they’re dating?”
The screen switched to a picture of Jimmy and Clarisse at a red carpet event, followed by another photo of them at a charity function.
The other newscaster responded, “I have no idea, but this is the most I’ve seen of Brason being with the same girl, and if he’s going to choose a girl, he’s got the cream of the crop right there, Rudy.”
I rolled my eyes at the two of them laughing like idiots, and my body tensed as they continued to talk about Jimmy and his so-called new girlfriend.
Were they truly an item? I gritted my teeth at the possibility.
Maybe Jimmy was trying to spare my feelings about all of this?
Several emotions pushed to the surface—doubt that he was lying, anxiety that he would tell me he was finally with her, and fear that what the broadcasters were saying was true even though Jimmy had promised that they weren’t together.
My insides warmed with irritation. I wondered when the pictures had been taken. Had they been taken before the charity party?
I shut off the TV, not wanting to gape at images of them anymore. My head lowered, and my eyebrows pinched together as I placed the melted tub of ice cream on the coffee table. I stared at the dried coffee stain from this morning, thinking I still needed to clean it. As much as I wanted to believe Jimmy, trust that he had told me the truth, and know that nothing was going on between him and this girl, a feeling of dread washed over me, tightening my chest and making it difficult to breathe.
I started to picture him with her, seeing their future together and how I wouldn’t fit into it.
If they were together, she’d be present at every holiday. Every time he came home to visit his mom, she’d be there. And worse, what if he spent the holidays with her family, and I wouldn’t get to spend time with him at all?
His time would be split between her and me. Eventually, he’d stop visiting me, and I’d have to endure seeing them together time and time again. I didn’t know if I could take it.
My heart constricted. In my gut, I knew he was either lying—or at the very least, not telling me everything. I could tell he’d been holding back when he spoke of her at the after-party.
To me, withholding the truth was picking her over our friendship. I’d always put our friendship first, keeping my feelings at bay, so I wouldn’t risk everything, and I could ensure our friendship remained intact.
My phone rang again, startling me from my spiraling thoughts. Evan’s name flashed on the screen again, and my fingers twitched. I hesitated on the first ring. Sighing, I decided to answer it to give me a distraction. I needed to stop thinking about Jimmy.
“Hi, Evan.”
“Hey, beautiful.” His endearment was flattering. “I’m glad you picked up.” He chuckled as if he knew I’d avoided his last call. “I was about to leave a voicemail.”
“Oh, sorry. I noticed your call, but I didn’t have my phone earlier,” I lied through my teeth, lowering my gaze to the floor.
I couldn’t tell him that Jimmy had gone ballistic about the idea of me dating Evan.
“No big deal. So, can you talk? Or is Jimmy there?”
I could hear the amusement in his tone, which made me smile. Maybe he knew what had happened in the car, too.
“Does it matter?” I laughed. “No, he left. I dropped him off at the airport yesterday.” I stood to take my melted ice cream to the fridge before pushing it to the back of the freezer.
“Is that laughter I hear?” he teased. “Are you happy that Jimmy’s finally gone and out of your hair, so we can hang out?”
His playful joking lightened my mood and began to lift my funk.
“Yeah, sure, that’s it,” I joked back. I made my way back to the couch and plopped down, resting my feet on the coffee table.
“Well…so…are you hungry? There’s this great place downtown. Su Casa Mexicana.”
“Now?” I glanced up at the clock and then down at my gray plaid pajama pants. After class, I’d already changed for bed.
“Yeah, it’s about dinnertime. Tell me where you live, and I’ll pick you up.”
He was so direct in his approach. I debated if I should just tell him no and that I’d just eaten a tub of ice cream for dinner. That was probably not the most flattering admission though.
I glanced at the clock one last time. I was about to tell him no and then I thought about Miss Redhead. The familiar ache in my chest began to build.
Did I really want to spend the evening inside, thinking about Jimmy and Clarisse and the fact that he’d possibly lied to me?
Maybe it was time for me to move on from these feelings for Jimmy. It wasn’t that my intention was to air them. It was just…this was torturing me. It wasn’t fair to either of us. It was time I made an effort to find someone for myself. Plus, I was tired of waiting around for Jimmy to call me when he was probably with her anyway.
I hopped off the couch to get ready to go out. “Okay. You know what? I’ll just meet you there.”
Present Day
THE DELICIOUS SMELL OF STEAK lured us into the Spanish restaurant. Latin music played in the background, beckoning us forward.
“After you,” Evan said, politely opening the door.
I stepped inside.
The waitress led us to a table in the back¸ and Evan pulled out my seat.
“Thanks.” I smiled, sitting. I twisted my hands together in my lap as my knees shook beneath the table. Awkward silence filled the air, and I suddenly wished I hadn’t acted on impulse and agreed to this dinner date. Nervous butterflies stirred in my belly as I fidgeted with the edge of my shirt. I hadn’t been on a date in a long while.
Appetizers came and went, and I could count on one hand how many words I had said. Evan carried the conversation, so it was mostly one-sided. He rattled on about the changes going on in his football career.
Since I was barely listening, I took in what he was wearing. He’d dressed nicely for the evening. A white polo livened the green in his eyes, but all I could think of was the last time I had been here with Jimmy. He’d worn a T-shirt, jeans, and a cap drawn low to avoid being recognized.
After the waitress had taken our dinner and drink orders, I scanned the room, looking anywhere but at Evan. I realized I had felt more comfortable around Evan in the dark club full of people. Now that we were alone, on this date, all I wanted to do was go home. Maybe I was antisocial. I didn’t know. Most people would group me with the introverts, which was fine. I guessed I had earned that title.
“Have you been to this place before?” he asked curiously.
I opened the dessert menu, giving my hands something to do. “Yeah, once.” With Jimmy. I scanned the specials, using my hair as a curtain between us.
“It’s my first time here.” He rested his elbows on the table, a flirty smile on his face.
I sensed he wanted to be closer.
I smiled awkwardly and ducked my head back into the menu. I tried to keep the bouncing in my knees to a minimum as I wondered where our dinner was. I wasn’t hungry, but this night needed to speed up. I wanted to get out of this awkward misery and go home—fast.
“So, tell me, Bliss, what have you been up to these last four years?” His voice was smooth and calm.
I hated that I was sitting there like a nervous mute. I wished I had Jimmy’s ability to strike up conversations with strangers and warm a cold room.
“Not much. Just undergrad, and now, I’m in law school.” I shrugged and played with the edge of the drink menu.
I never shou
ld have come. Tonight was a mistake. Evan and I didn’t know each other. We had barely been acquaintances in high school. I never opened up easily to people. It wasn’t in my nature.
“And you? What have you been up to?” I asked, trying to take the attention away from me. I placed the drink menu back against the wall and focused on him, trying my best not to be rude, even though I was nervous as hell.
“Same old stuff.” He shrugged. “Football and more football. My life revolves around it. Even though it was unexpected, I’m glad I finally got traded. There were talks about where I was going, and that was nerve-racking, to say the least.” He peered up at me from his beer that the waitress had placed in front of him and continued to talk about his career.
I smiled through it, but I couldn’t help compare the stark differences between him and Jimmy. Where Jimmy was all boyish with his carefree attitude, and silly ways, Evan was proper with a sophistication that indicated he was a direct product of his upbringing in the North Shore.
“I must be boring you,” Evan said, breaking me from my thoughts.
The corners of his mouth pulled downward as though the thought of boring me disappointed him. I didn’t know why, but that made me feel a tad less nervous. I appreciated his effort in trying to loosen me up.
“No, not at all.” I shook my head.
Still, I’d rather he talk about himself. The awkward silence would be much more…awkward.
“Enough about me. So, you want to be a lawyer?”
We were interrupted by the waitress placing his nachos and my enchiladas in front of us. I noticed her eyes flickering in his direction, but his gaze was solely focused on me.
When she left, he leaned in, waiting for my answer. He was generally interested in me and my life, and because of that, I felt myself loosen a tad more.
I reached for the black napkin that held my silverware. I let it unroll, and utensils clattered to the table. “Yeah, I want to hurry up and finish already.” I chuckled, placing my napkin on my lap.
He quirked an eyebrow. “You seem too shy to be a lawyer.”
I accepted his assumption. Obviously, he didn’t know me at all. If he asked Jimmy or my mother, they would say I could be candid and blunt to get what I wanted. I didn’t like confrontation, but if it were a cause that I believed in, I’d debate and contest until my tongue fell off.
