by Wendy Chen
When Elizabeth came back downstairs again, the two women were left alone to catch up over glasses of wine and a plate of cheese and crackers. “Mmmm, miracle mommy juice,” Elizabeth sighed contentedly after taking a big sip from her glass. Kate just chuckled and took another big hunk of Brie to spread on her cracker. She hadn’t realized how hungry she was until just now and continued to just eat for a few moments until Elizabeth finally said, “So. What are you doing here?”
Kate wasn’t the least bit offended by the directness. They had already caught up on the niceties of how happy they were to see each other in the car. She had just been waiting, really, for a good time to tell Elizabeth about the fake engagement, the past few weeks with Adam, and this horrible day. Had it really just been one day since she set out on this cross-country chase after Adam? And now it was quiet in the house, Matt was on kidwatch, and they had enough wine to make the words come easier.
Elizabeth mostly just nodded as Kate spoke, asking clarifying questions here or there or reiterating what Kate had just said, partly to make sure she’d heard it right, partly to make Kate say it and hear it again. Kate expected Elizabeth to be a bit more shocked, but she merely said, “Well, things sure are different in suburbia.”
And as Kate heard herself retell her story, she heard it for what it was. Love found and love lost, all in a single day. She placed her hands at her temples and leaned her head forward. “Unbelievable, right?”
Elizabeth offered a tight smile. “It was bound to happen to you sometime.”
“Heartbreak?”
“Love.”
“This sucks if this is what love is. I can’t even describe it. It just—sucks.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it sucks for everyone.” Kate tried to remember her manners. “It clearly works for you.”
“Matt and I have more than love. We want the same things, and well, we had good timing and luck.” Kate just furrowed her brow, clearly new at this and needing more explanation. “We were both single and open to having a relationship at the same time. It gets harder once other people come into the picture. I didn’t even have a job yet when we got married, so it was an easy decision for me to go wherever Matt was going to be for med school. And when I got pregnant, well, it made sense to be near his family. From the time we were dating, we built our lives together. It gets harder when each person already has their own life.”
“It gets harder as you get older, you mean.” There it was again, the unrelenting sound of the biological clock that had been rearing its head recently. Kate knew Elizabeth didn’t mean to be insulting, and she actually appreciated having someone to speak so openly with, especially since she was so far from her girls at home. It still didn’t feel right, though, to have figured out who she was, built a life—all on her own—and then when she’d wizened up about whom she wanted to share it with, poof, he was gone.
“It gets harder when you have your own lives, yours in New York, his in California. If he’s back with his fiancée now, it’d be hard to take him away from everything.” Elizabeth lightened her tone a bit. “Even with those legs of yours.” Kate smiled. Elizabeth knew her well enough to know that she didn’t want a pity party, and she could hardly mourn a relationship that she hadn’t even really had.
“You make it sound like you gave up everything for Matt. But you’re obviously happy.”
Elizabeth shrugged. “I was twenty-two when we got married. I didn’t have much to give up! We built our lives together. None of our decisions—his school, giving up a job I loved—none of it was made by just one of us. But yeah, I’ve never been happier. Constantly exhausted, but happy.”
“Do you miss it? The job, I mean.”
“Sometimes. Being a buyer for a major department store chain can be a lot of fun. It’s a different kind of energy, and I sometimes miss getting dressed for work, seeing coworkers, talking about something other than the kids.” Elizabeth chuckled. “And I really miss being able to go to the bathroom without interruption!”
It hadn’t been an easy decision for Elizabeth to quit her job three years ago. Kate remembered how torn she was back then, but the reality was that she was missing so many days of work due to their son’s asthma that she had felt like she was doing a poor job of being a mom and a poor job of being a buyer.
“The thing is,” Elizabeth continued, “having it all is a myth. Something’s gotta give. Even if I had stayed at my job, I never would have risen in my career like you—I just wouldn’t have been able to put in the hours or the travel necessary since someone still would have had to relieve the nanny.” She shrugged a little. “Matt put in so many years of training to become a doctor, so it was pretty easy to see that I’d be the one staying home. I’m sure the decision would have been harder if I’d had a serious career of my own already.”
Kate had heard other women talk about how hard it was to juggle family and career, but had never thought about it applying to herself. It was always something she thought were their own problems that they brought upon themselves. Harsh, perhaps, because she hadn’t thought about why they were in the position they were in, that falling in love had brought them there. “So maybe it’s not so bad, that this thing, whatever you want to call it, with Adam isn’t going to work out.” Kate felt Elizabeth looking at her, studying her expression as she tried to keep her demeanor neutral.
“If that makes you feel better,” Elizabeth finally said.
“It’s simpler anyway, to just focus on my job, and date around when I feel like it. No one’s feelings get hurt.” Especially mine.
“If that makes you feel better,” Elizabeth repeated.
Kate swallowed some more wine. “It does.”
That night, as Kate lay in the guest bedroom, wearing a set of borrowed pajamas from Elizabeth, she stared at the ceiling, knowing that she would get back to her “real life” tomorrow. A life without this hare-brained scheme to be with Adam. This was completely out of character for her. She was the one who was romanced, who was wined and dined, who received flower deliveries every other week, who was once serenaded by a man wearing nothing but a guitar. She was not the one who did the chasing. And yet she had just chased a man across the country. Everyone was entitled to a little brain freeze, she told herself. That was all this was—a brief lapse in judgment. She took several deep breaths—it was time to get back in control of her life, in control of her emotions. She mentally listed the things she needed to take care of at work, tasks she irresponsibly left up in the air today. Satisfied with her next course of action, which was merely to get everything back to as normal as possible, Kate let exhaustion claim her and fell into a sound sleep.
Chapter 19
The cramped seats of an economy class ticket, the drone of the engines, the sounds of muffled coughs of strangers shifting in their seats—they had become all too familiar to Kate these past two days. She hadn’t minded flying before, but was grateful that she was on the last leg of her trip, on the final descent into LaGuardia Airport. She still couldn’t believe what had happened and was trying not to dwell on how wrong it had all turned out. A grand romantic gesture that had exploded in her face. Even sitting next to complete strangers, Kate couldn’t help but feel herself flush with the humiliation as she envisioned the two of them, Adam and Claudia, standing in the threshold of their perfect little house. Get a hold of yourself.
The plane finally landed, and Kate performed the comfortingly familiar task of hailing a cab to get a ride to her apartment. As they drove through Manhattan, Kate’s spirits rose and she began to feel more like herself. Home. She told herself that the weight in her chest was merely from the travel. Who wouldn’t be exhausted after all these flights across the country?
She was already late to work, but she needed to go home to shower, change her clothes, put up her hair. She couldn’t imagine what the gossip would be if she went into the office wearing yesterday’s outfit, rumpled n
o less, doing the walk of shame like a twenty-two-year-old. Worse, the gossip wouldn’t even be true. In spite of it all, Kate laughed a little, thinking of the fun times she’d had when she’d gone home the next morning in a crumpled dress.
A text came in from Cassandra:
Well?
Kate texted back:
Almost home. Alone.
Are you OK?
I will be.
She meant it, too. Kate greeted her doorman with a big smile on her way to the elevator. Her life was her own again, without Adam around to entertain. She had a party coming up that was sure to be filled with attractive single men.
She opened her door, eager to get into the shower and find herself again beneath the grime of travel and the moment of idiocy that brought it upon her. “What was I thinking?” she said aloud as she slipped off her shoes.
“What were you thinking?” came the soft response.
Kate nearly jumped out of her skin as she walked over to the couch, where Adam was lying down, arms behind his head as if he’d fallen asleep waiting for her. He got up and closed the space between them, standing close enough for her to smell the clean scent of shaving cream and shampoo. Her shampoo, actually. His proximity was unnerving, and she instinctively took a step back.
But Adam just stepped forward again. “You went to Palo Alto to find me,” he said gently. “What were you doing?” Kate kept backing up, and Adam kept stepping forward, until her back was literally against a wall. He leaned in closer to her, resting one arm behind her head, with the other hand casually tucked into his front pocket. She could feel his breath on her cheek, and her own breath quickened in response. If she just raised her face a tiny bit, she could kiss those lips again and get another taste of him—for pleasure this time, instead of jealousy. “What were you thinking,” he said again slowly, “when you came to find me?” He smiled a little, clearly just wanting her to say it.
Say what, exactly? That she missed him? That she ran cold when she thought about him turning his back on her as he left her apartment? That she hadn’t imagined how warm her life could be until she came home to him every evening? That eating ice cream from the carton with him was more fun than picking at a soufflé at a fancy restaurant with her man of the week? “I think …” she began slowly.
“Yes?” He picked up a lock of her hair and twirled it between his fingers. It was an innocent gesture, imitating the habit she’d had since she was a kid. Yet the way he was looking at her, the way he was caressing that lock of curl between his fingers, was more sensual than if he’d been undressing her already. He moistened his lips as if to say something, but then stopped, still waiting for her.
“I think,” she whispered, “you’d better kiss me now.” He leaned in slowly, brushing his lips across hers, barely touching them at first. She was just thinking that she couldn’t bear any more teasing when he kissed her—a real kiss that was soft, yet powerful as a drug. If not for the wall against her back, Kate felt as though she might have fallen to the floor, she was so weak in the knees. She felt the muscles in his back, so familiar, and yet … not. She ran her hands through his hair—how many times had she wanted to brush it out of his eyes?
When they finally paused to catch a breath, Adam said, “So is that what you came to Palo Alto for?”
“Maybe,” she teased.
“Or was it this?” He kissed her hard, taking her mouth with his, pressing his body against hers. He kissed her until her lips were raw, then trailed his tongue along her neck, as if wanting to taste every inch of her.
“Bedroom,” she gasped.
He paused to say “No,” then continued to kiss her neck, a little more gently now, a little less urgently.
“Wha—what?” Kate could hardly believe her ears. Her bedroom was right there.
“You’re late for work.” He continued to give her little pecks along her nape, up to her ear, along her cheek. “And you smell like airplane,” he chuckled.
She swatted at his chest with the palm of her hand, “What?”
Adam just smiled, “You’re late for work and you need to shower.”
“That’s it?!”
He pulled her toward him again, holding her close. “We’ve waited twenty years, Kate. We can wait another day,” he said against her hair. Then he turned her around and gave her a little push. “Go get ready for work and I’ll make you something to eat.”
She stood still for a moment, in complete disbelief, watching him walk into her kitchen and take some things out of the refrigerator, as if this were any other day. As if she had not just come home after a humiliating cross-country overnight trip to see him. As if he had not just nearly ravished her against her living room wall. Well, he hadn’t just nearly, had he? And that was the problem. He was rejecting her, twice in two days. “That’s it?” she said. He looked up at her then, and his expression changed as he began to understand her agitation—well, her crossed arms and tapping foot would tell him something, wouldn’t they?
Adam took her hands in his, but she continued to just stare at him, waiting for an explanation of some sort. She didn’t realize she was still tapping her foot until Adam put his foot on top of hers. He leaned in and kissed her, just a peck on the lips that she didn’t return. She felt petulant, but so what? “We’ve waited this long … ”
“You said that already.”
He kissed her again. “I have waited this long. I won’t make love to you where someone else already has.”
She said nothing, just looked him in the eyes, but she knew it was the truth, and she supposed she couldn’t blame him for feeling as he did. At least for once his expression wasn’t inscrutable. Satisfied, she turned away from him and headed toward the shower. “Try not to think about me naked in there,” she said over her shoulder.
There were some types of hunger that a perfectly prepared egg white omelet couldn’t satisfy. Kate had been so late getting in to work already, and yet the day still felt like the longest one ever. She couldn’t stop texting Adam and still couldn’t believe he was waiting for her at her apartment, as if he’d never left.
How did you beat me back to NY? She texted him.
Hitched a ride on a friend’s plane into Teterboro.
So he hadn’t had any of the hassles of connecting commercial flights like she had, she thought wryly.
She thought about their kiss earlier, how it was a far cry from and far more pleasant than the one in front of Claudia. She frowned at the thought of the other woman, the one who looked perfect with Adam.
She typed out a message:
What were you doing with Claudia?
She didn’t press Send. She deleted it, then typed it again. Did it make her sound overly possessive? Part of her thought it was easier to ask him over a text; she didn’t have to worry about what her expression might betray, didn’t have to think that her voice might shake or sound accusatory. He didn’t belong to Kate. In fact, he belonged to Claudia more than anyone. When was the last time she’d asked a man about another woman he was with? When was the last time she’d cared? That would be never. Just as she didn’t think the game was over until the ring was on the man’s finger, she also thought it was each person’s responsibility to determine how attached they were—and to act accordingly.
She deleted the line again, then settled on:
How’s Claudia?
She deleted that, too, realizing how stupid it sounded, as if to imply that she even knew the woman.
Kate took a sip of water, as if to erase the dryness in her mouth, which was the result of realizing what it was that she really wanted to know. Why were you with her? Are you getting back together? Are you still in love with her? Their kiss this morning had left little doubt that Adam was attracted to her. But Kate couldn’t bear the thought that she might be his second choice, that despite their happy little home scene that she had witnessed, that Claudia might have broken up with him still. That some part of him was still in love
with her and he was settling for Kate. It wasn’t some misplaced sense of pride that was bothering her. She just couldn’t stand it if she was his rebound. Kate wanted to smack her head against her desk. Do you like her more than me? This thing with Adam had practically turned her into a fourteen-year-old girl.
She typed again:
Are you and Claudia over?
She took a deep breath. This is Adam, she told herself. In a lot of ways, he knew her better than anyone else. She hit the Send button before she could rethink it and held her breath. Maybe it was a mistake, because at least if she asked him in person, he would be forced to answer. But then she couldn’t bear it if he got that faraway look in his eye, that one that tells a woman that it’s not over with an ex, not by a long shot. That same look that her father still got whenever Linda came up in conversation. That look of pain when Suzanne found out her ex was getting remarried. Kate had always told herself that she would never be on the wrong end of that gaze.
Kate stared at her phone, tapping her nail on her desk. If her hair hadn’t been pulled back, she was sure she would have been twirling a strand of it. The thought of Adam touching her hair just hours earlier made her shiver.
Over.
A single word reply. Her heart began to swell and she smiled, in spite of her constant vigilance to keep her emotions in check—particularly at the office. And then another text came in from Adam:
Completely. I promise to tell you everything.
Kate was positively grinning at her phone now and was flustered and embarrassed when Jim came by her open door and said, “Aren’t you coming?”
She looked at the clock—shit! Her distraction over Claudia/No Claudia made her ten minutes late to a staff meeting.
“Sorry—got caught up,” she said hastily, not meeting Jim’s eye as she grabbed a notepad and pen. She didn’t even need them, but just needed something to steady her hands.
After the meeting, Kate was still berating herself for losing focus. But then she got back to her office to another text from Adam and she was nearly undone again.
