by Wendy Chen
Suzanne sighed and nudged Kate’s elbow with a box of cookies. “You haven’t eaten, you just ran who knows how many miles, and you’re stressed.”
“Your bedside manner sucks.”
“You’re not a patient.”
“I could be!” Kate popped a cookie into her mouth. She was going to be huge if she had cravings like this. “I see babies everywhere now.”
“It’s the Upper East Side. You think there’s lots of babies here, head across the park.”
“What would I do with one?”
“You would make a great mother.”
“You would make a great mother. I would just try not to screw up too badly.”
“That’s all anyone can do.”
Kate swiped a chocolate crumb from her lip into her mouth. “What am I going to do?” she whispered. “I feel pregnant. I just know I am.”
Suzanne just nodded, as if sensing that Kate just needed to speak out loud to let her own mind grasp the situation.
“I’m keeping it. I don’t know if that surprises you.”
“It doesn’t.” Suzanne smiled warmly.
“At least I know who the father is. I wouldn’t have been able to say that a few months ago.” Kate gave an uncomfortable fake laugh. Her love life was always the big joke among her friends, but this felt like anything but. “So I suppose that means I need to tell Adam.”
Suzanne just looked at her. “Kate, you have to tell him. You can take some time until you’re ready, but he has to know.”
“He’s really busy right now. I think he’s going to have to move back to California—”
“Kate!”
Kate took a deep breath. “I was going to end things with Adam.”
Suzanne was silent and then her expression softened. “It’s scary, isn’t it?”
“Being pregnant? Hell yes. Why do you think I’m here? I need all the medical counsel I can get.”
Suzanne shook her head. “No, I mean, falling for someone.” Now it was Kate’s turn to be silenced. “It’s scary, to not be able to control your emotions, to realize someone else’s happiness and life can affect yours so much.”
Kate felt the prickle of tears behind her eyes and blinked them back. She’d heard pregnant women got emotional. That must be what this was. “Why do so many people want to be in love?” Even as she said the words, Kate felt the hollowness in them. She remembered what it felt like to come home to Adam after a day at work, the way her heart swelled at the sight of her weekend bag packed perfectly with her favorite things, the contentment as she lay against his bare chest during their weekend away. And she thought about their trip to see his parents, how she wanted to brush the sadness from his eyes that was only there when he was in his childhood home, her feelings of helplessness now as he struggled to keep the businesses he worked so hard to build.
Suzanne looked at her with what could only be interpreted as sympathy. “It’s so much easier to hide from your feelings.”
“Your blood test results are consistent with those of an early pregnancy.”
It had been several hours since the nurse from Suzanne’s office called with that statement, confirming what Kate already knew in her heart. Suzanne had called when she had some time in between seeing her own patients, reminding Kate to make an appointment with her OB/GYN soon. She hadn’t said as much, but Kate could tell from her tone that Suzanne was worried about her. With good reason, Kate thought guiltily. She had basically spent the afternoon at Suzanne’s, alternating between immature selfishness and irrational terror. “How could this happen to me, what am I going to do?” she had wailed. And then, “What if I faint in my apartment and hit my head and no one ever finds me?!”
She had spent last night allowing herself to grieve for a bit, for the carefree life she wouldn’t have any longer. She’d even basked in a few moments of melodrama, belting out songs from Les Misérables. Her situation wasn’t quite that of Fantine, but well, she knew the words to her songs and found herself whispering them in the dark as she tried to lull herself to sleep. By the next morning, as the early light of dawn seeped through her windows and she realized she’d missed another morning run, the sadness had turned to determination. Determination that her life would change, but wouldn’t be any less fulfilling. In fact, the confirmation of the blood test results was calming to Kate. She wasn’t worried at all. In fact, her future and the choices she faced about her life, her career, seemed all the more clear-cut.
It wasn’t cheap to raise a child in New York City, and Kate would need a bigger apartment for her and the baby. And a nanny, of course. Any thought she may have entertained about leaving her firm now was moot. No one would hire a pregnant woman. As it was, she would have to navigate her current environment carefully. She couldn’t be fired; that would be a lawsuit waiting to happen, and even her boss was too smart for that. But she could be sidelined and her clients moved to others, as her colleagues anticipated her leave of absence. She needed that promotion more than ever, not just for her own pride and ambition, but for the little one that she was responsible for. It was a bit surreal, to be thinking about planning for someone that currently was the size of a poppy seed, according to one of those pregnancy websites that Kate found. Even if she wanted to live in denial, this tiny thing was certainly making its presence known. Kate pulled her wastebasket over to her side during another bout of nausea.
There was no doubt in Kate’s mind that Adam would want to be a part of the baby’s life in some way. But she would never use any excuse, not even pregnancy, as a way to keep a man or his money. She’d be able to carve out a great life for them on her own, and it would be up to Adam to decide how involved he wanted to be and for how long. Her feelings for him, whatever they were, were sidelined now. She had a single purpose, and that was to figure out how to give this baby the best life she could, keeping her own emotions in check while she did.
She still wasn’t sure how she was going to tell him. Over the phone or Skype just didn’t seem right, and she wanted to be able to experience his true reaction. She couldn’t begin to guess what the range of his feelings would be. She had no idea how he felt about having kids. Maybe he’d planned on them with Claudia at some point, but was that part of the life they shared that he wanted to get out of? He seemed to like the kids at the barbecue, but that was just for a few hours.
What would Adam feel? She certainly didn’t think Adam would resent her, at least not for long, and there would be no doubt in his mind that this was an accident. He could take some time to figure out how he wanted to deal with becoming a father. She wouldn’t expect him to go with her to doctor’s appointments, or make midnight runs to pick up food she was craving, or any of those other things normal couples did when they were expecting a baby. And once the baby came, he could see him or her as much or as little as he wanted. Kate caught another tear before it could drop. Grief for the kind of happy anticipation that other couples enjoyed was something else she hadn’t expected. She took a deep breath and pulled herself together. There was a lot she could control about all this, she told herself. Worrying about what she couldn’t control was a waste of time and energy that she couldn’t afford.
Kate began typing to Adam. Sometimes it helped to gather her thoughts, to plan out what she would say. She described how she knew this baby was her sole responsibility, that she would love it with all her heart, that she promised to give him or her as great of a life as she could, that she would welcome Adam’s involvement, but wouldn’t rely on him. Kate was reminded of the notes she would sometimes write to Adam when they were in high school, when she couldn’t talk to him on the phone for fear that he would hear her parents arguing over money in the background. She chuckled at the memory of his notes back to her. They were always short since there was always the chance his brothers would find him writing and ridicule him. But they were always carefully folded, with precise creases that carefully lined up the edges of the paper end to end.
By the time Kate had finished typing her thoughts, she had practically written an essay that included how thankful she was that he’d come back into her life, despite the resentment she may have expressed, and that there was no one else she’d rather be having a baby with. She reread it twice, three, four times over, tweaking a few words here or there, finding exactly what she wanted to say. If only she could read this to him and watch his face for her reaction, she thought.
And then Kate realized—the only reason she wanted to tell Adam in person was so that she could see how he would react. So that she would know how to treat the situation, so that she would know if he would be with her during the pregnancy (and afterward) or not. She hadn’t wanted to tell Adam in person to give him the news in the way he would want. If she really had his interest in mind, she would deliver the news in the easiest way possible for him and then give him time to decide what he wanted to do. He wouldn’t want Kate to see his initial reaction, she realized. If he were angry, or disappointed, or sad, he would want to keep those feelings to himself until he could figure out the most logical next steps for himself and get back to Kate with what those were.
She reread her letter one last time before copying it into an email message. READ WHEN YOU HAVE TIME she typed in the subject. She slowly typed in his name in the “To:” field and held her breath. She knew it was the right thing to do. He would read it when he had some peace and quiet, on his phone. She chuckled at the flash of worry that he’d read this news while he was driving—Adam was way too responsible to read and drive. He would be floored, that was for certain. But then he would have time to think, to deal with the news however way he wanted. Maybe he would seek out the friends he’d shared with Claudia, or maybe he’d deal with it alone. Most guys she knew would take this kind of news with a bottle of scotch. She wouldn’t know when he read it, so he would feel no pressure to respond right away. She would wait for him until he was ready.
Chapter 25
It was time to tell Cass and Mia. Suzanne thought Kate might want to wait a while, a few days at least, to process the news with Adam. But no, the girls were her family and she wanted, needed their support from the very beginning.
Kate had asked them to meet her at an Irish pub in midtown, casual and centrally located so that no one had an excuse to not come. Not that they would have bailed on her. Kate had never been the one to call for an emergency girls’ night before, having never had the kind of romantic drama—good or bad—that warranted the “I need you to meet tonight” text that she’d sent them after Adam’s email.
The three of them were gathered at a small table, and the fact that there was a dirty martini in front of the empty seat assured her that Suzanne had kept her secret as she’d promised. At first Kate tried to make small talk as Suzanne stared into her drink, obviously trying not to let on that she knew the real reason why they were all here. How did one suddenly drop this kind of news? She really wished she could take a big swig of that martini. She didn’t even know why she should be nervous because saying it all aloud might make it even more real?
“So what’s going on?” Mia finally said. “Please tell us that Alberto’s got his green card and you’re calling off this engagement sham.”
“Umm, no, not that.” Kate was grateful for the interruption of a waitress coming by to check on them and took the opportunity to order a club soda.
“What are you, pregnant?” Mia tossed out.
Kate’s jaw dropped and she felt herself flush. Cass and Mia gaped at her, and Suzanne just continued to stare at the table and bite her lip.
“Oh my God, I was kidding,” Mia said. She grabbed Kate’s hand. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“No, no, it’s OK,” Kate said through tears. “I’m OK with it, I really am. Not in my plans, obviously, but I’m really OK.” She sniffled and someone, it must have been Cass, with her ever-ready bag of whatever anyone needed, handed her a pack of tissues. “I’m such an emotional wreck already, what the hell am I going to be like for the next nine months?” she joked. “It’s Adam’s, in case you’re wondering.” She saw them all glance at one another with some sort of knowing look and pursed her lips. The old Kate wasn’t completely gone in a puddle of tears. “What, is it that obvious that I haven’t gotten any other piece of ass?”
They all laughed then, and Kate forgot why she was so nervous about telling them.
“What did Adam say?” asked Cass.
Kate explained about the email, how she didn’t know yet what his reaction would be. She thought they would express disbelief and disapproval that she would email news that was so important. But before they could say anything, she said they didn’t know Adam like she did, that she had done the right thing for him by telling him this way. But that judgment didn’t come, just those weepy looks and glances between them.
“This kid’s lucky,” Mia finally said, smiling.
“Why?”
“Because he or she will have parents who love each other,” Cassandra finished for her as Mia nodded.
“I never said—” Kate couldn’t finish as her friends just gave her knowing stares. “Even if I do, this changes everything. I can’t just think about myself and pursuing my own happiness. I have to make sure my life is stable and secure for this baby, and I can’t count on anyone else to provide that.”
“Adam is a great guy,” Suzanne chimed in.
“Who doesn’t deserve to be tied down.” Kate put her hand up when her friends were about to interrupt. She’d thought long and hard about all this, and she was going to maintain control of the situation. “He spent years on the path to marriage, in a relationship that was wrong for him. I’m not going to hold him back from whatever life he imagined for himself, just because he feels responsible for us. He still might find the perfect woman for him someday,” she said shakily, “and I won’t be the one who prevents that.” She saw the girls give each other a look again, one that told her that they thought she was wrong. Kate couldn’t take chances. Even if she wanted to see how things would turn out between her and Adam, there was too much at risk now. If they didn’t end up together, if she didn’t end up being what he wanted, it wouldn’t be just her heart that got broken. Maybe this baby wouldn’t have parents who were together all the time and wouldn’t live with both of them like other babies did. But he or she wouldn’t witness parents fighting daily or one storming off in the middle of the night. “We’ll always be connected, especially with this baby,” Kate continued. “As long as I play it safe, we’ll always be friends.” Her friends may not have agreed with her, but she knew they wouldn’t argue with that logic, not now when what she needed was their unconditional support.
Their conversation moved on to practical matters then and promises to attend doctor’s appointments and to babysit. This baby was going to have more than enough surrogate parents to care for it.
“Have you told Linda yet?” asked Cass.
Kate shook her head. “I’m going to wait as long as possible. You know I’m just going to be in for a lecture. If I can secure that promotion I’m up for, it might ease the news a bit. She might not think I’m a total failure.” Kate chuckled bitterly.
“She might need some time to get used to the news, that’s all.”
“A couple of months ago, a friend of hers became a grandmother for the first time. She told me she didn’t understand all the gushing about becoming an on-call babysitter. At the time I was relieved that she’d never try to pressure me to have a baby.”
“If only our mothers could talk some sense into each other,” Cass responded. “My mother’s so eager for a grandchild and so happy that I’m finally dating someone, I don’t think she’d care anymore if I got married first.”
Kate was relieved to find a way out from being the focus of the conversation. Now that her news was out, she wanted everything to be as normal as possible. “So are you and Nick talking wedding bells already?”
Cass blushed. “It hasn’
t been that long. But there’s definitely something different about him—about us.”
“It’s true then, that when it’s right, you just know it?” Mia asked.
“Well you all know we had a rocky start,” Cassandra chuckled. “It feels like he’s The One, though” she continued softly.
Suzanne beamed. “I knew it!” she exclaimed. “Dum dum dee dum,” she hummed happily.
They all laughed then, knowing Suzanne’s eagerness to see her friends march down the aisle—as long as they were marching toward the right person. She was such a good person, Kate thought to herself. For as hard as Suzanne was looking for her One, and for as much bad luck as she had, she never showed any bitterness toward the others whenever they were lucky in love. Kate hoped that one day there would be a man worthy of her friend, who would give her the love and family she wanted.
“No way, no way, are we there yet,” Cassandra interjected. “We haven’t talked about anything of the sort.”
“So if he asked you tomorrow, you’d say no?” Suzanne challenged.
“Well, I didn’t say that—”
Suzanne smiled smugly.
“The biggest plans we’ve made are for the holidays. He’s coming over to my family’s place for Christmas, so who knows what he’ll think of me after that!” she joked.
“I’ve been to your house for Christmas,” Kate chimed in. “That is an intense time to be around the Hanley family!” she laughed.
“Well, you know my mother. Everything needs to be perfect for her, which ends up meaning nothing is, and all the skeletons in our closets come peeking out.”
Kate could envision Cass in her shoes, sharing news of a pregnancy with a man who loved her and a family who would welcome a new member with eager open arms. She felt that stab of sadness again and shook it away. She could learn a thing or two from Suzanne—there was no point in missing something she had no control over.
