by Zoey Kinsman
“No, silly you, what you do in the bed tells you more about a person!”
“Really?” Then he looked right at me and raised an eyebrow as if to say “Well, let’s find out about each other.”
Ah, he was good. I was caught.
“Coffee would be nice.” I smirked at him, and he knew I was changing the subject.
“So, what would you like to do tomorrow?” he asked as he poured me a cup and passed it along.
“I think I would like to do that kissing thing we do so well. Can we do more of that?”
His facial expression said he was shocked at my boldness.
“Yeah…sure…we can do lots of that, as long as I can do that touching thing with you.”
Smiling now, I said, “Touching would be very nice.”
He seized on the moment and stood to lift me out of the chair. “Come here, beautiful you, and let’s practice a little for tomorrow.”
“Paul.” I was laughing so hard now. “Where are you taking me? Put me down…put me down!”
But he wouldn’t until we made it back to his bed. Gently he laid me down, and in an instant was right beside me.
“Paul…I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here—”
He pressed his fingers to my lips to quiet me. Our lips met again. Urges that wanted and needed expression made themselves known to him. Our legs intertwined. Our bodies sought closeness beyond physical closeness. My voice spoke of a great need.
Then he did the unthinkable. Hard and geared up to go, he stopped.
“Anne, stop, please, I know you’re not ready. I can’t do this without your complete trust. You’re just too special to me to just fuck. Please…” Throwing his hands up in the air as if pleading with the gods to help him, he fought for control. He was out of breath and trying with all his might to control himself.
So, was I.
Ugh, was I or wasn’t I ready? He was probably right, but it just felt so damn good. Lying flat on his back now, I could see his erection bulging from his pants, wanting release. I reached for him. His arm went up and his hand stopped me again.
“No, that’s not the answer. As good at it as you are, it’s not the answer. We either connect or we don’t.” Then he paused. “This has been a great evening. Let me take you home and we’ll continue our voyage of discovery tomorrow. Is that okay with you?”
“No.” What was wrong with me? He was being totally chivalrous, and I was not giving in.
“Huh? Why are you saying no? I am trying to respect your need for time here.”
“I want to continue the journey now. I want to talk into the wee hours of the morning, fall asleep beside you, and wake up to breakfast in your arms. I want to understand you, and I want you to know me and my reservations. I want to work and see if we can ‘connect.’ Being older, I have a greater understanding of how precious time is, and I don’t want to lose minutes, hours, or days not knowing you better.” There, I had laid my truth out on the table for him to accept or reject.
Quickly he was on top of me, looking over me, kissing me with those moist lips, his mouth and tongue up and down my neck, teasing with chills that tingled and stirred awake feelings long buried. Falling, falling endlessly into this lust that inhabited me, not knowing where or how I was falling, I was lost, hopelessly lost unless he pulled me back up to something earth-like. I had given up my sense of decorum, not even knowing if I could do or be what he needed.
His big hands scooped me up and into him, my legs wrapped tightly around him, our breath warm on each other’s skin. My arms dug into his arms tightly. Please, God, let me be okay. Please.
“Please Paul, keep me safe in you…” My low voice waited to hear his answer as I kissed him endlessly.
Agile as ever, he moved next to me and brought me back into his arms to cuddle me close. I heard his heart once more beating fast, beating out the rhythm of our struggle, beating out the primal urges of need and want.
“Anne, I don’t know if I can keep you safe. I want you too much.”
Roaming over my body as if he knew the terrain well, he looked at me for my reaction. Instead a solitary tear escaped me. Running fast down my face, his finger tried to chase it before it could land anywhere. Withdrawing into myself, I lay there and waited for him to speak next.
He kissed my face and explained that to him safety meant not inflicting any emotional hurt. He didn’t know if he could promise that. He was of the mind that life always had hurts. It was what we decided to do with them that counted. Could we repair the hurts, apologize for them, and maybe learn from them? That’s what mattered to him.
He had missed the point of what safe meant to me.
Gathering myself to speak, I leaned up on one elbow and looked at him. “That’s not the kind of safe I need. Emotionally, I’ve learned to take care of myself. I think I’ve learned the same lessons you speak about. For me, safe is about not inflicting wounds on purpose.” Then I looked away from him and moved fast to sit at the edge of the bed. “I have scars…very deep scars. They make me untrusting…they make me scared to open up. Yet, somehow here with you I feel that I have a friend who might try to understand.”
I felt his head on my back and his arms around my waist.
“I promised to love you more. I also promise to try and understand. You have to know I would never do anything to purposely hurt you…I would never because of my own experience, but more because of who I am as a man. I know myself.”
“How do you know yourself so well that there’s not something in me that might bring out the bad in you?”
“Because, Anne, I am not your past. I am your future. Look at me for me, and not as just any man. I deserve that.” Slow and steady his kisses pressed upon my back.
Oh, God…fuck, he was so right.
“Why don’t we go finish our coffees, or I’ll brew up a fresh pot and we can talk more under the stars.”
“I think I need to go home now. You’ve made so much sense, and I need to digest it all.”
“Okay, you’re leaving me with blue balls again…but you’re worth it. But remember…”
“Yes, I know, I’ve been warned.” Comedy was once again our savior.
“Come, I’ll drive you back.” He got up and took my hand. I straightened out my dress and hair and tried to look as good as possible.
“You look beautiful…you are my beauty.” Leaning over, he kissed me to confirm his remark.
“Thank you,” I whispered back.
I took his hand and followed him back to the car. As I was walking with this magnificent man beside me, I unexpectedly realized that I would probably follow him anywhere.
Chapter 4
When he stopped and parked in front of my house, he simply asked if I was going to be okay. How does one answer that after so many eye-opening revelations in one night? There had been many surprises from both sides that left me feeling a little vulnerable. I could have answered his question with the truth, that as soon as he drove off, I would be reduced to tears. I’d cry rivers of tears for all the magic I’d wanted to experience with him tonight. Did I tell him that he had gotten to me, and that now I wanted all of him? Thinking back though, he didn’t run.
So, in answer to his question, instead of further opening my insides up, I nodded in his direction, and said of course I would be all right.
I couldn’t have gotten out of that car any quicker. As much as I loved the ride to his house, the ride back was torturous. He wanted to walk me to the door, but I waved him off and showed him some of my own moves. Still physically capable of moving it, I dashed to the door.
Closing the door tightly behind me, I didn’t know if I had blown it. Did I push his patience too far, asking for some kind of supernatural understanding? Men in L.A. liked their women well and when they wanted them, on their terms.
My cell phone went off as I ran to my room, trying to push back the emotion. It was a text from him. He simply wrote that he’d be by at ten in the morning to pick me up for brun
ch. Then he placed a heart emoji next to a love kiss.
Tears of relief ran freely down my face now. Ugh! Then it was time to deal with the fact that I really dug this guy. There was something about him that reached in and grabbed hold and resonated with me. Describing him was easy. He was smart, handsome, and crazy sexy. He knew it and was unabashed by it. That was sexy, too. A confident man who knew his likes. All that was good about him played on my senses like a fine concerto that could magically rouse the soul and elevate private spaces within.
Yikes, I hadn’t felt this way about a man in a long time. Well, not since early on in a past relationship that ended…I shook my head, because I didn’t want to sully my beautiful memory of Paul with bad thoughts of the past.
But then longing set in and tugged hard because he wasn’t near me. Why hadn’t I just gone for it and let myself know him? Fear always stopped me. Life could be rough and brutal. But he was right in his estimation that I had shut myself off too many times. I knew it, but the knowledge still didn’t let me take the chance necessary to move to the next level with him. I had insulated myself from the fires, doused them with reality check after reality check, until nothing was left but embers. My heart cried out to rekindle any remaining spark left.
I wrote back immediately so as not to extend his worry that I’d be ready and waiting for him, and sent back the same two emojis.
Fatigue finally found me when the reflection proved too draining. Dragging myself, I undressed and washed up for bed. Under my comfy covers, sleep washed over me.
* * * *
Waking up to a hot July morning, a nice cool shower was in order. The water felt good pouring down in streams on my skin. Then I remembered I had a man that I liked in my life. An inner sense of goodness radiated and left me feeling glowing. Would he be genuinely happy to see me? Having risked it all by running last night, the prospect of starting anew was exciting. It was a new day. I was excited to see him again. Yeah, I was going to be bloody mature about it. Yeah!
The reflection proved beneficial. I somehow was left feeling less scared of the unknown. Had he earned some level of trust by sticking with me? Hmm, maybe a reward for all his good behavior was in order. Maybe a bit of sass was in order.
Being bold and feeling sexy, I put on jean shorts that fit me just fine with a tight T-shirt and finished with those matching sandals. He was still here, so why not go for it and see what life with Paul Wickham might bring? Taste a piece of heaven. Of course, though, I wore those blasted panties with tummy tuck control in them, although a touch black and frilly at the bottom.
Right at ten the doorbell rang. Punctuality was obviously a fine trait of his. I opened the door, smiling in his direction, but the sun already shone brightly on his countenance. Ah, a sign!
“Beauty…you are breathtaking. I love it,” and he motioned up and down to my outfit.
“I’m glad, because I wore it for only you.”
“How did I get so lucky?” Now he was grinning.
“It’s a thank you for your unending patience.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I do have limited patience. My end game begins and ends with you.” He leaned down to kiss me. “Hello, my beauty. I missed you in my bed last night. But your scent comforted me and lulled me to sleep.”
My return kiss was just as luscious and passionate. He grabbed me close and inhaled my scent and need as I breathed him in as well. He left me feeling off balance again.
“Paul…”
“Let’s go before I can’t stop myself anymore. I’m so famished in so many ways, but let’s do food for now.”
“Let’s go then.”
He drove expertly through the clogged arteries of the city even on a Sunday morning. The music blared as the sun continued to beat down hotly on us. We sang together. Our voices meshed well. Exhilaration filled our souls with good vibrations. So this was what it felt like to be alive again. Oops, I had let the switch flip back on. My newly found resolve spoke to me and said that since it was done, best to just go, go, go with only the slightest touch of trepidation.
We kept checking in with each other, smiling and laughing. Goodness continued to fill my belly. From what I could tell he felt the same way.
Grumpy Cat sat in the back seat watching.
“So, where are you taking me this fine morning, Mr. Wickham?”
“We’re going to one of my favorite places. It’s a little boutique hotel in West Hollywood with a rooftop restaurant for brunch. I’m hoping you’ll love it as much as I do.”
“Why do you love it so much?”
“Because, it’s almost as beautiful as you…almost, but not quite, and the food is great.” His smile beamed in my direction for a quick moment.
I leaned over while he was driving and gently kissed his clean-shaven face, careful to ensure I didn’t distract him too greatly. His hand reached for mine as his eyes remained on the road. I let our fingers entwine. We kept them that way until we reached our destination.
Arriving at the hotel, he pulled up for valet parking and came around to get me. We walked arm and arm up the staircase leading into the lobby. Sunglasses on, wearing hip, trendy clothes, we looked quite the couple. At that moment age meant nothing. Here I was with this gorgeous man, hanging off his arm and loving it.
But then one bulb after another went pop, pop, pop in rapid succession in our direction before we reached the top step, and the paps called out to him. He moved faster, and I followed his lead, looking down all the time so they couldn’t make out my face. Maybe the age thing did matter to him and he got caught?
“Are you okay, Paul? Did you know they’d be there?”
I looked up and into his face and watched his body language for any kind of response. But he just kept walking as if on a mission until we reached the elevator that ascended, taking us to the top floor. The door opened to the most magnificent rooftop.
He told me that he had reserved a private dining area for us under a canopy in their garden restaurant. But it wasn’t just any garden. A cobbled walkway led us through and past beds of wildflowers, greenery, and shrubs that were defined by wrought iron gates that welcomed. All around butterflies twittered past us and the song of birds played. Classical music filled the air. The ambiance was magnificent. The sun kept shining her approval.
“Is this paradise?”
“I’m so happy you like it.”
We walked up to the hostess, who guided us through another maze of beauty to our table. It was a table for two, with wooden chairs to match the feel of the space that surrounded us.
“Would you like me to close the canopy for privacy?” she courteously asked.
“Not right now, thank you. Maybe in a bit.”
Sensing that I might like to enjoy the surroundings, his answer was so apropos.
The hostess disappeared, and the waiter came around quickly to fill our water glasses and ask about starters. Taking a quick look at the menu, we both ordered coffees and smoothies to start.
“This is so wonderful. I love it. It feels so natural, so inviting…actually, just like you!”
Reaching for my hand that I gave to him so easily, he asked, “I feel a shift in you since last night. Am I right?”
“I think so.”
“Why the sudden change?”
The yummy smoothies came, and I took a big sip before I was going to answer that one.
“Probably because we shared so much last night, and we made it through the noise.”
“Oh, I love how you put that. You’re right, we did make it through some hard stuff, but something tells me we’re not done yet.” Looking right at me, his eyes searched mine for an answer.
“You’re probably right again. But I think it might be time for a little less serious stuff and just time to enjoy our connection. Let’s not kill it before it even has a chance to survive.”
“Wow, you really have thought this through. Is it me you like, or the idea of a relationship?”
“Maybe I like b
oth, Paul…maybe both. You make a good combo.” A giggle escaped me. “So, tell me why you rushed us past the paps? Did you not want to be seen with me?”
“Ugh, you really have to stop that. I have no problem with older women.”
“Oh, so you have an older woman complex. I’m just part of your repertoire then?”
“Anne, you’re not part of any kind of repertoire. Truth be told, I actually like younger women, women my own age, older women, and I guess all women. As I’ve told you upfront, I like a lot of women. I like to fuck. I like sex. You came along and had to be special.”
“So, I’m the odd experimental one that needs some kind of male conquering?”
“Noooo, you’re unconquerable.” Now he was laughing again.
“What do you mean by that?”
“I knew when I saw you many years ago that you would never be conquered by any man, or by me. You would always be your own person and speak your own truths. It turned me the fuck on, if you must know. I got a boner thinking how good it would be to sleep with a woman who knew her own mind, her own self that well.”
“What were you sleeping with before then?”
“Strong women that were always searching, or older women that were burned out and looking for me to give them purpose…nothing wrong with that…not judging. But to me you were sexy because you knew who you were and because you were confident in it. Confidence is an aphrodisiac for me.”
“How do you know I’m not an older burned out woman looking for purpose? I could be, you know.”
“I think you’re an older woman who had it hard but stayed true to herself. I think along the way you just got scared of men from your past experience. But, it never damaged the real you.”
He got it right! Fuck, how did he get it so right?
“How do you know that to be true?”
“Because look at you. You are ready to grab life by the balls again, and hopefully grab me by the balls, too.”
“Oh, my God, Paul, you are too funny. Seriously, I love that about you. How you can be so damned insightful and wickedly funny?”
