by Zoey Kinsman
“I know you would stay and love me, but I just want more for you.”
“You, Paul Wickham, have no right to tell me what I want or do not want. That’s not your call. Now stop it. I love you no matter what. We’ll deal together.”
“You’re a stubborn woman. I happen to love that about you, too.”
“Good, now it’s time to rest.”
We slept through the lunch hour; I thought I heard them leave a tray for him. Then at around two o’clock his coworkers and Valerie came back to visit. I hopped out of his bed quickly and he made introductions.
They all remarked how much improved he looked. He beamed his appreciation in my direction. My return smile lit his face back up. Everyone noticed, particularly Valerie, who seemed pissed.
He told them what was happening and that he was waiting for results. They all nodded, looking concerned again. The producer then went on to say that they were rewriting and filming around him until he was ready to return, but by all accounts, he was probably done for this season. With this news he looked forlorn and sad for an instant, and then being the consummate actor, he changed his expression back to neutral.
“Totally understandable,” he said, all composed and brave.
“Not to worry, mate, there will always be a role here for you when you are ready.”
“Thanks, Charlie. So tell me how filming is going.”
I motioned to him that I was just going to sneak out for another coffee break and he nodded, as he was deep in conversation with his chums.
I was only gone a half hour, but when I came back, I saw from the entrance to his room that Valerie was sitting by his side seriously talking to him about something. They seemed connected, but I didn’t know on what level. Not wanting to interrupt, I backed myself out of the room slowly, giving them the space to continue.
Seeing their closeness upfront and in my face actually surprised me. There was more there than he’d let on. I knew in my guts that he would never cheat on me with her. But perhaps he wasn’t even willing to admit to himself that there was unfinished business still there with her. We had briefly touched on it at Big Sur, but I’d felt reassured that he had closure where she was concerned. Seeing it now, I wasn’t convinced that he even knew himself that it wasn’t true.
Pushing all those thoughts and doubts aside, I reminded myself that I came to be with him because of the love we shared, and that his physical well-being was more important right now, not past girlfriends. I told Grumpy Cat to stand down!
* * * *
I gave her a half hour and then went back in.
“Anne, come join us.”
She seemed dismayed.
I went over to his bed and leaned in for a kiss, and he was only too willing to make it happen. That was her cue to leave.
“Keep getting stronger, Paul. I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you.” She gave me an evil death stare as she made her way to the door.
“Okay, that was really weird. It’s like you two want to have some kind of she-woman fight or something, when it’s totally not necessary. I’ve made it very clear to both parties who I love and where my heart rests.”
“I know, but you don’t seem to get that she’s still in love with you, deeply in love with you.”
“I think you’re wrong, and maybe just a touch jealous because of our history. She’s just a good friend to me now. We share a set and a stage, and that bonds people, but it doesn’t make them romantic partners.”
“Paul, you are so naïve. She wants to woo you back.”
“Even if that were true, what does it matter? I don’t love her.”
My gut told me it was best to leave it alone right now. We had bigger fish to fry.
“Maybe you’re right.” I used the most convincing voice I could muster.
“I am right. Come, let me kiss you again. I love how you taste.”
We kissed and kissed and kissed until it was obvious that we had better stop. Even immobilized, with several stitches and a catheter, he could rouse easily.
* * * *
At four o’clock the results were in. Perhaps the fact that he was a celebrity helped expedite matters. I didn’t really care why or how, I just wanted the what.
The lead doctor and his team entered the room. I tried to examine their faces for any info I could glean before they spoke of what the CAT scan showed. But they were pretty stone-faced and professional about it all. I felt a huge lump in my throat and looked to see Paul’s reaction. He looked terrified. I raced to stand next to him and held his hand tightly.
“So, Mr. Wickham, it looks to be that you are indeed a very lucky man. The scan shows us one fracture in your right leg and nothing in your left. However, you do have a herniated disc in your lower lumbar. The cord is intact, and frankly, with a fall from a horse, this is a miracle.”
Paul was trying to absorb it all, so I was first to speak.
“So are you saying he can walk?”
“Yes, we are going to remove the catheter tomorrow and get him up. We’re going to take a measured approach to his recovery. Mr. Wickham, physiotherapy will come tomorrow, once the catheter is out, and measure you for an air cast on your leg and provide crutches. They will get you up and moving, and the nurses will help you as well so that you become re-accustomed to walking, bathing, and daily functions. We know we did stop all the internal bleeding initially, and the scar is healing well. The stitches will be removed in a few days’ time as well. You’ll be weak at first because of the trauma you’ve experienced, but will slowly regain your strength from seeing physiotherapy daily. I am also ordering a round of anti-inflammatory drugs to see if that will reduce the swelling around the disc. Hopefully it will, and no further intervention will be needed. You will be very sore for a while, but since you are in good shape, you should do better than most. So, it will be a steady climb back, but we are optimistic that you will hopefully make a full recovery.”
“Paul, this is great news!” My emotions got the best of me, and I just leaned over and hugged him hard. He held on to me, too.
“Thank you, Doctor, this is indeed great news. I look forward to working hard to regain my health.”
“Good, Mr. Wickham, we’ll need you to be devoted to your program.”
He nodded in agreement. Then they turned and left.
“Well, I guess you have the luck of the Irish!”
“Well, I did kiss the Blarney Stone once.”
Joy wrapped her loving arms around us. Our spirits soared, and hope danced, happy.
“Now, I need you to do me a favor, Anne.”
“Anything for you, my love.”
“I would really like you to go back to the hotel, get some dinner, and then get a good night’s sleep. It would mean the world to me to know you are safely cocooned in a comfy bed, resting.”
“No, I can’t leave you yet.”
“I’m out of danger, and I’ll sleep good knowing you are doing the same. Do this for me, please. And besides, tomorrow will be a busy day, and I’ll need you to scream at them if they don’t do a job well done.” His childish mocking of me was endearing.
“Fine, but I’ll go after you’ve had your dinner. Do you want me to get you any papers to read or anything?”
“Can you see if you can track down my cell? It must be in the clothes I wore when they brought me in. I carried it with me everywhere, even in costume, in case you would call. And I would love some kind of laptop for when I’m feeling a bit better.”
“Yes, I’ll get it all for you. Don’t worry, just rest and heal.”
“I know, right, the pain meds knock me right out anyways. Maybe they’ll be able to start reducing them soon.”
“Yeah, it’s not good to get addicted to those things. But just give it some time. They’ll bring you down slowly and probably switch you to some safer stuff like Tylenol. Be patient, my love.”
“I will be patient now that you are here with me.”
The dinner service came. He could eat on his
own, but feeding him was more fun. We laughed and giggled our way through it. When he was done, the nurse came to give him his evening meds and his new pill. He was out in a half hour, sound asleep. I took it as my cue to make my way back to the hotel.
* * * *
The sterile hotel room with that big king bed in the middle looked so inviting. Red and beige hues were the design. The blandness was calming. Luckily, this five-star hotel offered a better selection of food than most. Hunger overtook me, and I ordered every course offered, probably more than needed. I opted for herbal tea, hoping it would help lull me to sleep later.
Stripping naked and entering the shower, I let the water wash away all my concerns and worries from the past few days. He would recover. Relief and tears mixed together as I stood there raw and bare. He owned me and my heart. But it didn’t frighten me anymore. Love made me stretch beyond my knowing and begged me to seek out the unconditional. Our love was a rare breed indeed, cherished.
It felt good to take care of myself. He would be happy to know I was good. I’d have to find his cell so next time I could tell him these little things.
The food finally came, and I turned on the TV in the room to hear news from the outside world as I ate. When I made it to the tea, I decided to call Trish to update her on everything and to see how she was doing.
With cup in hand, I sat at the desk in the room and dialed her up. She answered on the first ring.
“Anne, are you okay? I’ve been so worried about you.”
“Hi sweetie, yeah I’m okay. Tired out of my brains, but I’m good now that Paul is out of danger.” I told her all the news I had on him, but to keep it confidential. I also asked her to call his agent and tell him I’d be in touch tomorrow when I had a chance. She told me everything going on at the agency and how she’d handled it. I was totally proud of her. I’d mentored her well…she was excelling, and I made sure to let her know. She had some questions that I was able to easily answer. Those that were more complicated, I asked her to email me and maybe tomorrow night I’d be able to review them.
“You sound so in love. I hope Paul knows how lucky he is to have you by his side.”
“It goes both ways. He really is everything for me.”
She went silent, probably shocked. Laughing, I asked her that question.
“Yeah, I am, but so fucking happy for you guys. Are you taking care of yourself, Anne? Don’t get exhausted…pace yourself, because his recovery will take time and you’ll need stamina to help him.”
“Yes Mom, I am going to sleep in a real bed for the first time since getting here as soon as we hang up.”
“Wow, I’ll let you go then.”
“Trish, I need you to get me a laptop for Paul, and just have them leave it at the front desk. Text me when it’s there. Can you please do that for me?”
“I’d do anything for you, friend. Just call me or text, I mean it. Big hugs, Anne, you’re not alone. I’m thinking of you all the time.”
“Thanks, Trish. I love you, too. Speak soon.”
When we hung up, I placed a wake-up call for six in the morning. I wanted to be there for everything tomorrow, for his new beginning. Crawling into bed, pulling the warm blankets over me, I let myself finally sleep, knowing he was really going to be okay. The knowledge made me smile my way into dreamland.
* * * *
At eight in the morning, they came to remove the catheter. He was relieved.
“Look, now you can go in a jug,” I joked as I held the urinal up for him to see.
Then they came and took him down to the fracture clinic to have the casts removed. When he came back up, he had an air cast on his right leg. The leg was braced well, but his legs looked a bit skinnier. I knew with time that he could and would rebuild the lost muscle mass. But he just looked so much happier, as if a ton of weight had been removed from his shoulders. Crutches were by his side on the bed.
“They say physio will be by shortly to get me up and walking a bit and sitting in a chair. I’m so looking forward to that.”
“How do your stitches feel?”
“Just sore, to be honest. I’ve seen when they change the dressing that it’s not that big a scar, maybe four or five inches. It looks better every day. It was gross at first, but now just pink and purple.”
“You’ll have a battle scar.” I tried to put a positive spin on it. “Women love battle scars. It’ll make you even hotter, if that’s even possible.” The comedy was lost on him. He was deep in thought.
“I don’t know what will happen with my career now. The production company has insurance and I’m pretty sure they will pay up, but I’m going to need to work at some point, when I’m better, to keep my sanity.”
“You will, my love. I know you will get other offers. You are just too popular right now, and you’re good at your craft. So maybe look at it as some down time to explore other things you love.”
“Shit, you just make total sense. You seem to know how to dissolve my fears.”
“It’s just logic, nothing magical about it.”
“You are the magic.”
“No, you are the magic.” My mouth sought out his. With all his frailties and challenges ahead, life was good.
“By the way, here, take these,” and he passed me a set of keys.
“What are these for?”
“They’re keys to my flat here. I want you to move in and make yourself at home. I’ll feel better knowing you’re in my place. Take this piece of paper, too, where I’ve written down the address, and any good driver will know how to get you there.”
“Are you sure? I’m okay at the hotel.”
“Of course I am sure. My home is your home, always.”
Kissing him again, we sealed the deal. That night at the hotel I packed up and headed over to his place. I texted Trish my new coordinates.
They did come and get him up. Every day he did more and more, until after two weeks he could finally walk and bathe on his own with the aid of his crutches. The aim was to get him down to using a cane, and then back on his own two legs. Practicing, we walked the halls, and he would always walk me to the elevator when I left to kiss me goodnight.
His new laptop came to keep him occupied. I found his cell, and our last words of the day were always filled with love and gratitude. His life was very slowly returning to normal.
He loved to tease me about the job I’d done on his beard those first days. With time he took to trimming it himself once more, and yes, it did look much better. But his hair was now so very long. One day, when one of the crew came to visit, I inquired privately if someone could come trim it up for him. The very next day they had one of the stylists in to fix it up. Everyone who knew him was only too happy to help him get well again. Many of his friends came on a regular basis, and I got to know them well, too. Sometimes they invited me over or out for a meal. He encouraged me to go.
Then there was Valerie. She came every day to see him, too. She was persistent. I would give her high marks for that. Whenever she had a break from shooting or was off work, she made her way to see him. I would leave and take a fake break, allowing them some alone time together.
It was during that third week when I walked back in on them deep in conversation. They were sitting in close proximity, talking. There was something there, I couldn’t ignore it. Perhaps a good friendship or an understanding of each other’s lives, but there was something intangible. I watched from afar before deciding to enter.
Yet it was still me and only me that lit his world. When he saw me approaching, his whole demeanor switched on as if perked up by my presence. His eyes spoke, his body language told me he wanted me and needed me, and only I was of interest, nothing else mattered. She saw it, too. The dismay was written all over her face. I didn't feel sorry for her. After all, she’d had her chance…one full year was enough time to snag her man, but she’d failed. In his own words, he didn't find love there. But there was something there that nagged at me. What it was I couldn't fully grasp
.
“Hey Anne, I thought it would be nice if we got to know each other a bit better. Would you be up for joining me for a coffee now?”
Having just finished a medium sized cup, I agreed to meet with her. After all, I knew this wasn’t going to be just about niceties.
“Sure, let’s do the Starbucks on the corner.”
Paul looked over at both of us with apprehension.
“It’s all good; this gives us a chance to get to know one another.” I smiled and nodded, but he wasn’t buying it.
She grabbed her purse, I went for mine, and we were out of his room quickly. We walked together in silence toward the coffee shop. Somehow, I knew where the conversation would be going, and I was ready to fight her for him. She was his past. I was his future.
When we got there we both sat at an open table. Coffee was not on the menu for this discussion. She started first.
“You know I’ve asked you here to discuss Paul.”
“Yes, go on. I am interested to hear your thoughts.”
“Really, are you now? Well, you know full well he belongs with me, yet you hang on.”
Oh, seemed that she was hitting below the belt.
“What makes you think and say that? He’s given you no indication that he wants to be with you. He doesn’t love you, probably never did.”
I could go below the belt, too.
“Anne, you have no idea of our history. That’s why I called you here. You need to know it to fully understand it.”
“Go on,” I urged her. This ought to be interesting.
“When Paul and I first met, we were inseparable. There was love there on many levels. We shared common interests and career goals. I’m not going to go into intimate details, but you should know that we were very connected. It looked like we would end up together.”
“But you didn’t.” I interrupted her train of thought, but it didn’t derail her.
“We were together the entire year, and I thought ready to move to the next level. I wanted a serious commitment, to give him children and a real family that he so sorely missed. But he wasn’t ready…or that’s what he told me.”
