by Zoey Kinsman
“Forever, Anne. I will say it as many times as you need me to say it. Like I promised to tell you as many times as you wanted that I love you, I will tell you that this is forever. Kiss me again. There are so many lost kisses that we need to make up for…but are you prepared for having me around all the time?”
Laughing now, I let him know that his presence made me very happy. I wasn’t worried.
When we got back to my little one-bedroom apartment, he dropped his bag, took his coat off, and looked around the place. He was pensive. I lit the tree and some candles by the fireplace. The old buildings actually had fireplaces, and although they didn’t work anymore it still looked pretty. The windowsills outside were piled high with snow, and frost painted the windows clear in places, but mostly white. This was our own little winter wonderland.
“So, how do you like my new digs?”
“Let’s have some wine and talk.” He pulled out a nice bottle from his bag.
“You mean you brought wine but no clothes?”
“I brought the essentials, my love.”
Getting us some glasses, I made a plate of cheese and crackers and put the turkey dinner in the oven to warm up. Thank goodness I always bought more than needed!
“What shall we toast to?”
“I think we should toast to a new beginning together. But, the new beginning will have to be different this time. Together we are going to have to forge a new plan. The old one didn’t work. Somehow it made you insecure and thinking I needed or wanted something different. We can’t have that anymore.”
I took a big gulp of the wine. My focus went from wanting his hot body all over me and in me, to what the hell was he talking about?
He went on. I listened.
“You’ve made incredible sacrifices for me. I’m sorry, my love, that I somehow failed you.”
“No…no Paul, you didn’t fail me at all. I feel that I failed you by not being able to give you what you want or might need. In my mind, it was about loving you enough to let you go.”
“Well, I love you enough to want you to stay forever. Are you willing to work with me to make that happen?”
“Yes, but first we need to address the question of family and children honestly. We need to have this conversation. I left Belfast because of this issue. There can’t be any bullshitting to make the other person happy. I don’t even know your take on all of this. I can tell you truthfully that I most likely can’t give them to you. And besides, even if I could, it would be physically too risky at this point in my life. So, I want you to give it to me straight, and then we decide together if we can realistically go on. I don’t want you resenting me in years to come.”
“Well, here’s the truth. Yes, I do want a child. I’ve thought about it often. We both have so much to offer a child. But Anne, why haven’t you ever considered that there are many ways to have children? We could use a surrogate, or even adopt. Why didn’t you give that idea a try with me?”
“I don’t know. I just figured I was too old and it was over.”
“Well, are you too old for children? Is it off the table? I would still love you and never leave, you know. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. Oh, my God, that’s funny coming from me. Do you see the irony…deal maker…deal breaker?”
“Yes, very funny…you’ve picked up my skill set.” I winked at him, and he leaned back in for another kiss.
“So?”
“Yes, I would be open to it as long as we had a nanny to help with chores, but not raising. And it would have to be sooner rather than later, I think…maybe in a year or two.”
His smile was enormous. “That’s very doable, and we’ll decide together, but I think you need to freeze some eggs now before there are none left.”
I smacked him hard. “Do you realize that we are actually negotiating? Wow. By the way, there are still some good ones left.” I had no substantiating evidence, but I was sticking with that story.
“Okay, so we are good on that point?”
“Yes, we are good. I’m going to have to get my head back around it, because I thought there wouldn’t be another opportunity for me. But I’m happy that you think there is a way for us to have a child of our own. So go on, I’m listening…seems you’ve put a lot of thought into this.”
“It’s all I’ve thought about.”
“You’re all I’ve thought about.” The wine was taking hold and my body was wanting.
“Not yet, beauty, there’s more to negotiate.”
I laughed out loud at that remark. “Okay, bring it on.”
“You need to come back with me to L.A.” He looked for my reaction. I was a bit stunned.
“But I’ve sold my house and done a partnership agreement up with Trish. I don’t know how I can undo all of it, to be honest. Maybe we could commute?”
He stood to take off his jacket and hung it on the chair behind us.
“So here’s what I can tell you. I knew I had to get you back somehow. I was going to see you and you were not going to refuse me. I had it all planned out in my head. All ready with plan in hand and longing to see you, one day on the spur of the moment, I ran into your L.A. office, announced my arrival, and demanded to see you. The new assistant didn’t know what to do. So I barged into your office and found Trish sitting in our chair, and I must have gone white or looked like I was going to pass out. Trish rushed to my side and helped me sit down. Then she reassured me that you were okay. She told me that you left but she didn’t say where to. I begged her, but she tried to help me understand how wounded you were and how much you needed the space to heal. Then I did some explaining and storytelling of my own, until I finally convinced her to tell me where I could find you. I took the first plane out to get you.”
I found myself huddled in his lap, weeping once more with my skirt hiked up my thighs. He rubbed them so tenderly.
“There’s more, Anne.”
I wiped my tears away and looked into his face. “More?”
“Trish told me of your arrangement. I told her that I planned to bring you back with me. She said she would be most happy to have her best friend and mentor back by her side, and that she’s found it hard without you. She didn’t want to tell you and disappoint you. We talked about it for a very long time, and agreed that you can both be the same partners, but in L.A. Maybe even expand a little. But being partners with her gives you time to do things with me, and when we are ready, with our family. It takes the pressure off you and off her, and you both can have a life. She has a new boyfriend now and wants to spend time with him, too. So it’s good for both of you.”
Wow, he had really worked it all out, except for my New York situation.
“Paul, I have a lease for a year here and a one-year commitment with the firm. I can’t quit on that or risk getting sued. And besides, I have no home anymore in L.A.”
“Oh, ye of little faith.” He looked at me and chuckled with mirth and rubbed his hands together as if to say he had that covered, too. His devilishly good looks made him irresistible in that moment, sparkling with mischief. “I will pay out all your commitments. And as for living arrangements, as my wife you will be living under my roof with me.”
“Huh…what? I’m not following.”
My face must have looked stunned or dazed, because he burst out laughing spontaneously. He loosened his hold on me, standing now, and motioned for me to sit back down in the chair. He waited for his laughter to pass, wiped his tears, and looked at my befuddled face.
“Beauty, I am asking you to marry me. You said forever, and I’m going to take you up on that offer. But, you have to agree to the new deal now.” He was still smiling as he went down on one knee before me. I took his face in my hands and let our eyes meet. His true intentions were there on display.
“Anne, will you please marry me? Because I love you beyond belief. Better together.”
“Yes, I will be with you always. But do you think you have to marry me to keep me by your side?”
“
Oh, my God, woman, you are exasperating! Yes, I want that commitment. Call me old fashioned or romantic or whatever you want, but I want that level of commitment. It’s what I feel in my soul.”
At some point I must have started crying again. His demonstration of love was so far reaching, and past anything I could have wanted or imagined. We were right for each other.
“Yes…yes…” Mumbling through tears, I affirmed that I wanted the same.
Suddenly, out of his pants pocket he produced a ring box. Still on bended knee, he opened it to show me a dazzling diamond ring. It was a huge square cut diamond, with clusters of smaller stones surrounding it.
“Breathtaking.” My hand clutched his arm in utter disbelief. He even knew the ring I would want.
He stood now. “Here, let me put it on you, knowing that after this moment, neither this ring nor I will ever leave you.”
My heart was thumping a mile a minute in excitement.
“Stop shaking so I can get it on.” He was laughing again, and then in an instant became serious. “Are you afraid? Is that why you’re shaking like a leaf?”
“No, my love, I’m shaking because I’m unbelievably happy, overcome with joy. I get to spend my life with the man that I love beyond belief. What more could I ever want?”
“Well…there actually is one more thing I want…” Then he lifted me into his arms and off to bed. I was ready and willing.
Our lovemaking was a reunification of sorts, looking one minute to eagerly connect and the next to know each other even better than before. Probing, arms and legs in constant motion and searching bodies wrestling with the deep longing and angst that kept us prisoner, we were finally free to let loose expressions of self that called each other to join once more. Fingers, mouths, and bodies with long, then short sweeping strokes were pressed tight, not knowing where one began and the other ended. He pounded his pleasure into me, claiming a stake in my heart. With each touch, my being welcomed him home, as his did me. When we were done, he went to sleep immediately. The exhaustion of travel and the anticipation of our reunion had caught up to him. Lying next to him, I surveyed his external wounds. He had indeed healed well. The scar on his abdomen was the only reminder of the pain we had both endured.
I bundled up the uneaten food and went back to lay by his side, falling into a restful sleep with him near me. I held on to him and he made a slight sound of approval in his sleep. All was good with the world that night.
* * * *
I woke at around three in the morning and reached to touch him, but he wasn’t there. My body froze, and my psyche freaked out. Was this some cruel trick? I wanted to scream out for him, but instead got out of bed quickly, put on my robe, and went to look for him.
To my surprise he was wide awake, sitting in a pair of loungers and a T-shirt looking out at the snowy picture before him. He was quiet and his body still. I almost didn’t want to interrupt. Instead, not wanting to startle him, I moved quietly so that he could still hear me come. Slowly I made my way back into his lap and put my arms around his shoulders.
Looking at him, I asked, “What’s wrong, Paul? Why are you awake? Please, it’s your turn to talk to me now.”
“I had a bad dream. It woke me, and I couldn’t fall back asleep.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I dreamed of the moment I fell off the horse and I couldn’t move, and the world went black. In the dream, when I wake you are walking out of my room, and I experience the same heartache all over again.” He looked away when he said that.
“So you dream about this often, or just this one time?”
“Often…since Belfast.”
“I’m so sorry, my love. I’m sorry that loving me hurt you and pained you more than you ever needed.” I had to keep it together now for him. I couldn’t cry and lose it.
“It was never loving you that hurt. That was the best. It was the missing you that hurt, but never loving you.”
“You’re doing it again. You are speaking my own emotions out loud.”
“You are braver than me. I’m just a coward.”
“You are the bravest person I know.”
“Then why do I keep having that dream?”
“You’re scared that something bad might happen again. It’s natural after the traumatic event you had. But Paul, none of us have crystal balls that can read into the future. As for me, I promise you with all that I am that I will never leave again no matter what, and to protect you with my own being. You’ll have to kick me to the curb.” I laughed and held him close. “And my love…” I looked at him now. “I will tell you that as many times as you need to hear it…I promise you forever and always.” I crossed my heart. “Should we seal the deal with a kiss?”
After one long, lingering kiss, he asked for food. “I’m so hungry now.”
“Okay, I’ll feed you, but you have to make me one more promise.”
“Okay…I think. Go on.”
“I think we have put that dream to bed since we’ve talked about it out loud, but if you ever have it again, you must promise to wake me up so I can be there for you. Please promise not to leave our bed. I was so freaked out when I woke and you weren’t there. I thought the universe had played a cruel trick on me.”
“So I think the point is that we are in it together, right?”
“Yep. Now come, let’s eat and then sleep some more.”
Eating Christmas dinner at four in the morning overlooking the snowy landscape before us, we talked and talked about our traumas, our joys, and future goals as individuals and as a couple. Nothing could have been more perfect. Our relationship was growing and evolving again in its own miraculous way.
Chapter 14
On Christmas morning, I was awakened by the loud brisk ring and vibration of my cell phone. I reached over to the nightstand and snatched my phone fast in my groggy state so as not to awaken Paul, who was still peacefully sleeping next to me.
“Hello,” I quietly inquired.
“Anne, Merry Christmas! How are things going there?” She was trying to be all sly and cunning, not giving away that she did, in fact, know all.
“Hold on, just going to the other room.” I scurried out of bed and closed the bedroom door behind me, settling in nicely on my comfy couch. “It’s going great, and thank you so much for helping make everything happen. I really owe you on this one. Merry Christmas, by the way, Trish.”
“No thanks necessary. So fill me on the details. I am dying to know everything.”
“I think you probably know more than me,” I laughed out loud.
“Well, I do know much, but I need details, so spill it!”
“Well, he found me yesterday afternoon at work, packing up. His words and actions convinced me that he knew for sure what he wanted and what he was doing. We went back to my place and talked it all out.”
“And…?” She must have known he was going to ask me to marry him.
“Yes, he asked me, and yes, I said YES.”
“I am so happy for both of you. Paul had a really rough time without you. I know you did, too. You guys are really meant to be together.”
“I think so, too. The ring is amazing. It’s just me. I don’t know how he knows these things. I’ll send you a picture later. He also said you would be good with me coming back at some point in the new year to work together. I would really like that.”
“Yes, I am really good with it. We would have to rearrange some things, but I think it can all be worked out. How were you finding New York? You never said much.”
“It’s good here. But my friends are all back there and Paul is back there, and that’s where I want to be. I was truthfully loving the work, but really lonely. I think you guys kind of rescued me.”
“Well, I’m so glad you’re coming back, and I’ll see you real soon and we can talk more. He’s an incredible man, Anne.”
“I know…he really is. Wishing you and your mom a Merry Christmas. Please tell her she’s a very lucky woman, she has
a tremendous daughter.”
“You can tell her yourself when you see her.”
“What’s this I hear about a boyfriend?”
“Yeah, I went to another Con with a friend and met him there. He’s really great and it seems serious, but it’s still early so we’ll see. But he’s good in bed.” She broke out laughing at that comment.
“Hey, that’s important, too.” I laughed along with her. It was like old good times with Trish. I now realized how much I’d missed it all. “I’ve really missed you, Trish. I’ll let you know as soon as I do when we’ll be back, and we can go from there. Sound good to you?”
“Sounds perfect, and like I said, we’ll see you real soon,” There was a playfulness in her voice that made me think she still knew more than me. But I let it go for now.
“Bye for now, sweetheart.”
“Bye, Anne…love you lots.”
“Love you, too.”
After I hung up my cell, I snuck back into the bedroom and crawled back under the bed covers to his warm and receiving arms.
“Was that Trish?”
“How did you know?”
“You always talk differently with her.”
“Like how?”
“Like someone who loves another, very caring and gently, and not like she’s your co-worker. You guys have something special.”
Thinking on his words, I told him that he was right. We did have something special. I was so glad for it.
“Now come here to me so I can give you something exceptional just from me. Let’s start off this Christmas with a joyous bang.”
“Got lube?”
“Always.” He was laughing as he attacked my body. There were no complaints heard from me.
* * * *
“Hey, I’m hungry again. You exhaust me, and now I’m famished. How about I call for a car and we make our way over to The Algonquin for a late Christmas brunch? Besides, there are other details we need to work out.”
“Oh, now you have me curious.” I was nibbling on his neck and face, and my hands traversed his body that mine always ached to be near.
