Naked Choke (A Stepbrother MMA Romance)

by Loren, Celia

  "So I have to feel guilty just because you are?!"

  "Wait, no!" I say, standing up. This conversation feels like a runaway train. "But, I mean, don't you feel a little guilty, too? Lying to our parents? I've never really lied to my mom like this—"

  "I knew you were too young. I knew we never should have started," he says almost under his breath.

  "What does that mean?" I shoot back, anger beginning to form around the edges of my panic. "I just came down here to have a simple discussion, and now you're questioning if we even should have started dating?! All that talk about wanting to change and saying I was 'different' and 'good', was that just bullshit? Were you just trying to fuck me, like those ring girls said?"

  "Wow, I can't even believe you would think that of me," he hisses.

  "Well, what am I supposed to think? Tell me!"

  He shakes his head at me like a disappointed father. "I need some air." He stalks toward the back door.

  "Are you seriously leaving right now?!"

  "We can talk about this when you've calmed down," he says flatly as he opens the door.

  "Oh, can we? Great, looking forward to that," I shoot back as he shuts the door behind him.

  I stand in the middle of the room, fists balled in anger, wondering how in the world we got so off track.

  Chapter Nineteen

  An hour and a half later, and he's still not back. I've texted him five times, and no answer. I lie on my bed, ears pricked for the sound of his return. There's no way I'm getting to sleep tonight unless we finish this conversation. I'm vacillating between anger that he left, and fear that I've fucked everything up.

  I jump to my feet, unable to wait any longer. I grab my purse and shoot off a quick text to Maya: Austen and I had a fight and he stormed off. I'm going looking for him. Is that crazy? Without waiting for a reply, I tiptoe down the front steps and through the kitchen. I wince at the sound of the garage door opening, praying it doesn't wake my mom and Duke, and start the car.

  A text from Maya chimes in my purse. I pick up my phone and read: Yes, that is crazy. Stay home and talk to him tomorrow.

  I pause for a moment, rereading her words. The sane part of my brain acknowledges that she's probably right, but my emotional side overrides it. I back out slowly and quietly from the garage, then speed up when I'm about a hundred yards away and flick on my headlights. I don't know if I'm on my way to confront Austen or apologize to him, but I need to see him right now.

  I don't know where he went off to, but I don't think it'll be too hard to locate him. Whenever my mom and dad had a fight, my dad went to a bar, so that's my first instinct. And there are only a handful of bars in Thurmont, mostly on Main Street, so I'll start by checking those.

  Five minutes later, I'm peering out the sides of my windows, searching for Austen's SUV. It's a common model here with the wintry road conditions, so I'm crawling along, searching for the telltale FFA sticker in his back window. I circle around a couple times, covering all the side streets, but I don't see his car.

  Well, there's always a possibility that he just went out for a long drive, but there are a couple more places to check out before I head home. I drive out toward the gym and a rundown dive in a nearby strip mall. It's a small parking lot, and I can tell with one glance that his car's not there. I speed up and head downtown.

  I suppose part of me is hoping that he's not at Oliver's, though I know it's probably his most likely stop. A place where people know him, and a scene of past conquests. That's exactly the kind of place I'd head if I needed to blow off some steam.

  I slow down as I near the bar's doors, checking the sides of the streets. There's no line outside, so there must not be a fight in the back room tonight. I clear the other side of the doors without seeing Austen's car, and my heart lifts a little. Maybe he's already back home.

  I take the next left toward home and slam on the brakes. There's his car, parked right on the corner. I take a deep breath and pull over into the next space and turn off the engine. What do I even want to say to him? I need to compose myself before I just walk in there like a nut. I flip on the overhead light and pull down the visor mirror. My hair's a bit of a mess, so I run my fingers through to try and tame it, then tuck it over one shoulder.

  He's feeling a ton of pressure because of the tournament, I reason as I pinch my cheeks. Plus, I think this is his first real relationship, so he's probably not sure how to do it. He's not used to having to stick around to have the tough conversations. I chose the worst possible time to have a big talk with him, and he just needs to know that I'll be patient. I don't expect the world of him right now. I'm fine with how things are, and know he just needs to focus on his fighting right now.

  I nod, pleased. That all sounds very reasonable, which will offset the fact that I just stalked him to this bar. No, stalked is too harsh. Followed. Sought him out.

  I put my keys in my purse and get out of the car. I walk calmly toward the door of the bar and the bouncer turns to me. I feel a sinking sensation in my stomach. Duh, Cat. I'm not legal and I'm not with the famous Austen Riggins, so I'm not even going to be allowed in. He looks at me expectantly, raising his eyebrows just a hair.

  "Hi," I say, flashing him my best smile. "I, um, forgot my wallet at home. But I've been here before. With Austen Riggins. It was for a fight, and you were working the door," I continue as he stares at me silently. Shit, what were the names of the guys who fought that night? I need proof.

  "No ID, no entry. Even for you, sweetheart," he adds, giving me an appreciative glance. I clear my throat awkwardly. Maybe being straightforward is the best approach.

  "Look, to be honest, I just need to talk to Austen. I know he's here, and I just need to see him."

  "Why don't you call him?"

  "Um, well, he's sort of not answering his phone. Maybe you could just grab him from inside for a second?" I ask hopefully.

  "Sorry, haven't seen him tonight."

  "But…no, I mean his car's right there," I frown, pointing toward the corner behind me.

  "Sorry," he repeats. What the hell? Austen wouldn't park right there and then not go in. There's nothing else happening in this neighborhood at this hour. Why's the bouncer lying to me? I see him look behind me and I step out of the way as a group of three women approach from the other direction. They all flash their IDs and I frown enviously. The bouncer opens the thick door and the sound of music and loud voices pours out onto the sidewalk.

  I glance inside at the dimly lit bar and my heart stops. There's Austen. With another woman in his arms. He has her pressed up against the bar with his tongue down her throat and his hands grasping her ass.

  The door shuts, the music dampened, but the image still replays itself in front of my eyes. I'm vaguely aware that the bouncer is watching me.

  "I…sorry," he says for a third time, more quietly now. I toss my head slightly, as if I can shake off what I just saw, and turn around.

  I feel like I'm in a daze as I walk back to my car. I get in and lay my forehead down on the steering wheel. My hands come up and I begin to pound on it. Suddenly I let out of scream of frustration, and that's when my tears start.

  "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I swear as my palms begin to ache. I keep hitting the wheel anyway. I'm so stupid. So very, very stupid. People don't change. Austen told me himself what his deal was on our very first date, and I should have listened. All that stuff about me being different? Those were just lines; he's probably said them dozens of times before to a dozen different girls. It's that charm, that "good guy" sense that he projects, I bet it lets him get away with this kind of bullshit time and time again.

  I start the car as I take a stuttering breath. I have to focus hard to obey the traffic laws on my way home. My mind is playing out every interaction I've ever had with Austen on a constant loop. I go over every gesture, every word, trying to assign meaning. I assumed we were exclusive, though it's true we never had that talk. Tonight was our first real relationship talk, and that clearly
went horribly. But we had sex without a condom. Though he did say afterward we should keep using them. As I pull into the garage, I have a troubling thought: what if this isn't the first time he's cheated?

  Chapter Twenty

  I shut off the car and glance over at the empty spot where Austen's car should be. Who knows when he'll be back? I let myself in the kitchen door and sneak up the stairs feeling drained but humming with unexpressed emotion. The one person I could talk to is Maya, but she told me not to go, and I went ahead and did it anyway. If I were her, I’d be exhausted with me. I’ve asked her to lie constantly, and then ignored her advice. I wouldn’t want to hear from me.

  I’m too distracted by my thoughts to notice the light on under the bathroom door. As it opens, I hop quickly up the last two stairs and try to make it into my room before Logan sees me. I’m just barely too late.

  “Hey,” he whispers as I cross the threshold into my bedroom.

  “Hey,” I reply, struggling to keep my voice from cracking. I turn to close the door before he notices that I’m acting strangely.

  “You OK?” he asks.

  “Yep, fine,” I reply tightly as I shut the door. He just manages to slip his hand through the inches-wide crack before I can. I stare down at the floor as I feel his eyes on me. I know I must look like shit.

  “Open the door, Cat,” he says quietly. I slowly obey, but don’t move from my spot blocking his way into my room. “What happened?”

  “It’s nothing,” I protest.

  “Liar. Well?” I shake my head. I can’t talk to him about this. “Was it Austen?” I pause, and then nod my head yes. “Tell me.”

  I sigh and turn around as another tear trickles down my cheek. He takes the opportunity to come in and shut the door behind him.

  “We had a fight. I was pressuring him to tell my mom and your dad. And then he got mad and left, and I followed him. It was stupid.” I stop, not wanting to relive what happened next.

  “Is that it?” he asks. I finally make eye contact with him. He’s standing in the middle of my room, his perfectly trained body as relaxed as ever, a brown curl of hair skimming his forehead just above his dark eyebrow.

  “No,” I admit. “I found him down at Oliver’s. We had our first date there. He was all over some girl—“My voice cracks and I take a deep breath that turns into a sob. “It was stupid of me.”

  Logan takes two quick steps and envelopes me in a tight hug. “It wasn’t stupid of you. Austen can make you believe almost anything. He just has that effect on people. He had me convinced until I was eight that our dad had metal bones, and that’s why he was so strong.”

  “Really?”

  “No. It was actually until I was ten, but that just makes me sound like an idiot.” I actually find myself laughing, the sound muffled against his broad chest. All of a sudden I’m aware that I’m pressed against him. That he’s wearing a soft white t-shirt through which I can feel every muscle of his torso. Maybe he can feel my change, because he suddenly drops his arms and steps back. I sit down on the edge of my bed and he takes a seat next to me, leaving about an inch between our thighs.

  “So you don’t think I’m dumb, or crazy, or something?” I ask, wiping my eyes. He reaches across me and grabs a tissue from my bedside table and offers it to me.

  “No, I think it’s pretty clear that I don’t think that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Come on, Cat,” he says, running a hand through his unruly hair.

  “Oh. The, um, the kiss? Well, you were just so different after that, I didn’t even think you liked me anymore. Even just as a friend, I mean.”

  “You rejected me pretty hard,” he points out with a rueful smile.

  “I was dating Austen,” I counter.

  “Yeah. And Austen always gets what he wants,” Logan says. There’s no anger in his words, just a resignation to the facts of his life with his older brother.

  We sit quietly for a moment. “I threw away my college info.”

  “I know. I saw.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “I figured you’d talk to me about it if you wanted to. Or that maybe you were talking about it to Austen instead.”

  “I never told him that I even visited.”

  “Really?”

  “No,” I shrug. “I don’t know why. I just didn’t think he’d understand.”

  “When did you start dating?”

  “Oh. Um, well, he asked me out at my birthday party, actually.”

  “Wow, he moves fast.”

  “I guess. I was the one pressuring him tonight to move faster, though. My mom almost, um, caught us the other day, and I was starting to feel really shitty about lying. I don’t know, I thought he’d be happy to finally tell them. It was stupid of me.”

  “Why do you keep saying that?”

  “What?”

  “That you’re stupid. Like it’s your fault or something that he went out and hooked up with another girl.”

  “I chose a bad time to bring the whole thing up. I mean, he’s got so much pressure on him to win the fight, and we never definitively said we were exclusive, we didn’t use that word…” I trail off as I see him looking at me with an incredulous expression. “What?”

  He shakes his head, and it almost looks like he’s going to laugh. “I’m sorry, it’s just, I wish you could hear yourself. You’re a smart, beautiful, kind, giving woman, Cat. Why are you content to get so much less than you deserve?”

  I stare at him for a moment. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before. His eyes are locked onto mine, searching, as if to see if his words have landed. I feel a sudden calm, and for the first time in a long time, I know exactly what I want to do.

  I lean forward and softly press my lips against his. He doesn't move toward me, but his lips part. I take it as a positive sign and slip my hand around the back of his head and through his wavy hair. I’m shocked as he pulls his head back sharply.

  “Cat! What are you doing?”

  "I, ah, sorry," I stumble. "I thought you, I mean, you were saying such nice things—"

  “Yeah, because you feel bad. I’m dating Sara, you know that!” he exclaims as he jumps up. “You gave me advice about her!”

  “Well, I want you to be happy! And she’s nice!” I shoot right back, too surprised to completely feel the sting of his rejection.

  “That’s—well, thank you!” he replies huffily.

  “You’re welcome! Why are you yelling at me?!”

  “You can’t kiss me just because you’re in a fight with Austen, alright? That’s not fair. I’m trying to make things work with Sara, and I can’t do that if I still have feelings for you!”

  “I’m not—wait. You still have feelings for me?”

  “That’s not the point. I’m dating someone else.”

  “Right. Yes. I know that. And as someone who was cheated on tonight, I would never want…but I didn’t kiss you just because I’m mad at Austen, alright? I think…I think I’ve always had feelings for you. I guess ever since you left me the book on my bed. Maybe even before, I don’t know. I think that you see me in a way that no one else does. And I like who you see, and I want to live up to that vision.”

  There’s a long silence. I feel like I just took my heart out of my chest and laid it on the floor between us, and I’m waiting to see if Logan will pick it up. I stare at him, holding my breath, as his face remains expressionless.

  “I’m sorry. I’m with Sara now. I’m happy with her.”

  “Yes, right. I understand,” I whisper. “You two…you seem good together. I won’t, you know, try to get in the middle again. I’m sorry.” He nods. I walk around him to the door and open it. “Thanks for your help tonight.”

  “You’re welcome,” Logan replies formally, stepping out into the hallway. “I hope…goodnight, Cat.”

  “Goodnight, Logan.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I crawl slowly across my bedspread, feelin
g shattered. The one-two punch of Austen’s betrayal and Logan’s rejection is almost more than I can take. The Riggins boys sure know how to break a girl’s heart.

  I take my pillow and pull it to my chest, curling my body around it like it could stop up what feels like a gaping wound in my heart. Even if Logan was the right one for me, whatever that means, it doesn’t matter anymore. He’s happy with Sara now. And Austen is off making out with whomever.

  Maybe it’s karma. Maybe this is what I deserve for lying to my mom. And Duke. And even Austen and Logan at various times. It seems I haven’t been honest with anyone. Not even myself.

  I hear a knock at the door and squeeze the pillow tighter to my chest. Austen. I don’t want to talk to him right now. I can’t take it. One more blow tonight and I think I’ll break. I close my eyes, hoping he’ll go away. Tomorrow. I’ll deal with him tomorrow.

  “Cat?” My eyes fly open and I see Logan has opened my door a crack and poked his head in. Oh god, I’m curled up in the fetal position around my pillow.

  “Um, yeah?” I reply, trying to keep my voice light. Maybe that will help me look less pathetic. Though I doubt it.

  “I, ah, I wanted to let you know…I called Sara. I broke up with her.”

  I sit up straight. “Oh. Oh! You did. Is she…are you…OK?”

  He nods. “Mind if I come in?”

  “Yes, yes, of course,” I reply, swinging my legs onto the floor as he sits next to me on the bed. The air feels like it’s full of electricity, and my heart is pounding in my ears.

  “Ever since you told me I should make more time for her, I knew it wasn’t right. Because I know myself, and I know that I make time for the things I really want. I knew I wouldn’t even need to think about it. If I were with you, for example,” he says, staring at his hands knotted in his lap.

  “Oh,” I breathe, staring at his strong profile.

  “I’m sorry about earlier tonight. When I kissed you, and then you told me you were with Austen…man, that took me down for a bit. Maybe I was just dating Sara to try to get over you, and for the record, I know that was a shitty thing to do to her. I’ve got no excuse for that. But it didn’t work anyway.”