Then I hit send. Now the problem with email is that once you send it, it’s gone. And in the next instant, I wished I hadn’t bothered. I mean, what was the purpose of this lame attempt to get his attention again? I might’ve written “I’m moving on” in my email, but it seemed pretty obvious, at least to me, that I was still stuck on the guy if I was still sending him email. But who knew? Maybe this was actually a step in my recovery.
I stared at the pile of books that I actually brought home with me today, thinking I could really knock out a couple of homework projects during the four-day weekend. But instead of opening my history book, I opened my latest issue of Glamour and totally lost myself in the fickle world of fashion. Ah, relief.
Of course, I did interrupt myself periodically to go and check my email, just in case Timothy responded—which he didn’t. I am truly pathetic.
fifteen
THANKSGIVING WAS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING. WE HAD A HOUSEFUL OF relatives, and that was okay, but Abbie only stuck around for a short while before she went to hang with her old high-school friends. Not that I blame her. I’d probably do the same thing under the same circumstances. But then she took off early on Friday to go to the mountains with some of her new college friends. Okay, what can I say? Except that, once again, I feel jealous. Sheesh, I really need to get a life.
But then on Saturday, I got a nice surprise. An email from Timothy! And not just a thanks-for-the-note kind of email either. No, it seemed that he was seriously rethinking the whole Shawna thing. Apparently they’d had a fight and he was getting fed up with her stupid games. He actually wanted me to drive over to the university where they were having their shooting clinic so we could talk.
“Meet me at the Starbucks on Oak Street at eight o’clock,” he wrote. “I think we can figure out a way to get back together for good. Love, Tim.”
I couldn’t believe it. It seemed my life might finally be turning around. And this time, I didn’t even have to do the manipulating. Timothy had come back to me on his own free accord.
“I’m not going to be able to make it tonight,” I told Ashley on the phone.
“Why not?” I could hear the irritation in her voice, and suddenly I knew I couldn’t tell her it was to drive an hour and a half just to meet Timothy for coffee. I didn’t think she’d get it—especially since her theme song to me is “Just move on,” and so far I’d managed to convince her that I had. Why mess things up now?
“It’s a family emergency,” I told her. “My parents have to leave town and I’ve got to babysit Leah and Tommy.” I felt a dryness in my mouth. Lying really doesn’t agree with me.
“You can bring them over here,” said Ashley. “We can plug them into a video or something. My mom has the whole moronic Disney collection.”
“I can’t do that,” I told her. “Everyone’s pretty upset and my parents really want me to stay home and keep things calm for them.”
“Wow, what happened anyway?”
I thought for a moment. “It’s my sister Abbie. She went to the mountains with some friends and something happened. We don’t even know for sure what.”
“Man, that’s too bad. Well, let me know if she’s okay, Jordan. That’s a bummer.”
“I know. But hopefully it’ll all sort out. Maybe we can practice tomorrow.”
“I have to work again. But maybe tomorrow night. Although Brett will be home by then and I hate to miss seeing him. I’ll let you know, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And, really, I’m sorry about your sister and everything. I hope she’s okay.”
“Yeah, thanks.” I hung up and felt slimy as toilet-bowl scum. I mean, what on earth was wrong with me? How had I turned into such a total liar?
The only thing that was perfectly clear to me was that love can make you do strange things.
Well, as long as I was getting myself in deeper and deeper, I decided to lie to my parents as well. For one thing, I knew they wouldn’t approve of me driving so far at night. And to meet a guy? Well, I could just forget about that. So I went along with my previous plan and told my mom that I was going to Ashley’s to learn the new routines and talk to her mom about a job.
“That’s great, Jordan,” said my mom. “I’m glad to see you’re getting back on track.”
I smiled my little happy smile and nodded. “Yeah, it feels good to me too. And it might take us a while to really get the routines down, so if you don’t mind, I might just spend the night at Ashley’s. I could probably even go to work with her in the morning and sort of start figuring out all the stuff at the store.”
“That’s a good idea. I heard the weather forecast and they’re predicting there might be an ice storm later on tonight. I think I’d feel better knowing you weren’t driving home late.”
“An ice storm?”
“Yeah, it’s supposed to rain and then freeze. Pretty bad driving conditions.”
Well, this made me hesitate. Did I really want to get stuck driving home in an ice storm? But, on the other hand, if this were my big chance to win Timothy back, maybe I wouldn’t even be driving home at all.
“You okay, honey?” My mom was peering at me with a funny look.
“Yeah, just spacing, I guess. I need to go get some things ready to take over to Ashley’s.”
My mom smiled. “I’m proud of you, Jordan.”
“Really?” Now, for whatever reason, that only made me feel worse. I went up to my room and carefully reread Timothy’s email. I considered calling Kara and asking her advice, but I knew exactly what she would say. Instead, I picked up the photograph of the cheerleaders and stared blankly at it. Shawna’s smirking smile seemed to be taunting me, as if she were daring me to try to take her man. How could I possibly turn away now?
I wasn’t totally sure at what point that little green monster had really taken hold of me, but there was no denying that I was pretty much consumed with jealousy and bitterness. And why shouldn’t I be? I mean, really, wasn’t I the victim here?
I had done everything I could think of to patch things up with Shawna early on. Man, I’d even given her my Beatles collection! Argh! And then she used me when I had honestly believed she was my friend. And what about the sweater I let her buy before the party where she stole my boyfriend?
But did she care that she totally crushed me and broke my heart? Not even. She only did everything possible to torment me and make my life worse. She stole my car keys and my best pair of jeans. And everyone knows she’s the real reason I’m on probation right now. I mean, this girl is evil. The way I see it, she really has it coming to her, and the only way I can ever get even is to win Timothy back.
The way I see it, it’s a win-win situation for me. Hurt Shawna and get Timothy. But it’s a win-win for Tim too. He gets rid of the twisted devil chick and gets a girlfriend who’s really worthy of him—a girlfriend who knows how to listen and really understands him.
And suddenly I knew I had to settle this thing, once and for all. I was in and Shawna was out. Nothing was going to stop me.
And so, with that kind of determination, I carefully dressed in my coolest outfit and packed a small bag for whatever might happen as the evening progressed. I emptied about fifty bucks in small bills and change from my piggy bank, and then without looking back or questioning my motives or my final decision, I set out to meet my true love.
sixteen
IT WASN’T ALL THAT COLD OUT WHEN I STARTED DRIVING. AND THE RAIN was just light and misty. I felt certain that Mom must’ve heard the wrong weather report—maybe it was for tomorrow night. Besides, I told myself, I’m a good driver. And more important, I was on a mission.
It was just a little past eight when I found and parked in front of the Starbucks on Oak Street. I didn’t see Timothy’s car anywhere in sight, but then I figured he’d probably walked over. My guess was that the guys would be staying at a dorm on campus. I had even wondered if Timothy might possibly have a place where I could crash for the night, especially if the weather go
t worse. I wasn’t totally sure this would be the night when we would actually have sex for the first time. But I was certainly open to that possibility since apparently that was the only way to seal the deal with this guy. Mostly I tried not to think about that too much.
I ran across the street through the pouring rain. It felt like sharp needles as it hit my face, and I could tell there was ice mixed in. Maybe my mom had been right after all. But I didn’t have time to think about that as I shook my hair off. Then, holding my head high, I walked into the coffee shop, smiling and confident and ready for anything. But as I glanced around, I didn’t see Timothy anywhere.
I did notice a guy who looked a lot like Brett Hawkins, at least from the back. He was standing at the counter ordering something. I stepped closer to see that it was indeed Brett. And that’s when I figured that Timothy must be on his way. Or perhaps he was in the restroom or hiding somewhere and waiting to pop out at me.
“Hey, Brett,” I said with a friendly smile.
“Jordan!” He turned around with a pleased smile. “You made it!”
“Yeah.”
“Man, I thought with the cruddy weather and everything—”
“No problem.” I waved my hand and glanced back to where the restrooms were located, hoping to see Tim emerging any minute.
“Can I get you something?”
“Sure, thanks. I’ll have a double espresso.”
He grinned. “Cool.”
I nodded. “Might as well get wired, right?”
He nodded. “Why not?”
“I guess I’ll go sit and wait,” I told him, unsure as to whether I should ask about Timothy yet or not. Suddenly, I wondered if perhaps Timothy had chickened out and sent Brett over to tell me I’d been dumped—again. But then Brett seemed to be in a pretty good mood. He didn’t exactly look like he was playing the bearer of bad news.
Finally, he came back over and sat down with our two coffees. “So, how’s it going?”
“Okay, considering.”
“Yeah, it’s been kind of a hard year for you.”
“You could say that again.”
He grinned. “Well, maybe it’s about time it all turned around.”
I nodded. “Fine by me.”
I was just about to ask him about Timothy, but he spoke first. “That was a really cool email you sent last night.”
Had Tim actually let Brett read my email? How humiliating! Even so, I sort of nodded, unsure of the correct response under these circumstances.
“You haven’t changed your mind or anything?” He looked slightly troubled.
“Changed my mind?”
“Yeah. About me and you.”
“Me and you?”
He smiled. “Well, that’s what you said in your email.”
“My email?”
Now he shook his head. “Are you okay, Jordan? You seem a little loopy.”
I took a big sip of the espresso to hide my confusion, scalding my tongue as I did but keeping my eyes on Brett the whole time. What on earth was this guy up to? What kind of game was he playing?
“I’m kind of lost,” I confessed.
“Yeah, that’s sort of how I felt at first. But then after I considered it, I wondered why I’d never thought about it before. I mean, I like Ashley okay, but she’s not anything like you, Jordan. Sometimes I actually think she’s a little depressed or something. But you always seem so cheerful and up. Think about all the crud Timothy and Shawna have put you through. You just keep bouncing right back with that sweet little smile on your face.” He grinned now. “I really like that.”
Okay, Abbie and I used to watch these ancient reruns of this totally lame old show called The Twilight Zone, and I seriously felt like that was exactly where I had landed tonight. Like, who am I? And how did I get here? Still, I hate looking totally stupid and ignorant, so I continued to just play along.
“Now, I can’t remember exactly what I wrote in that email, Brett. You know how you just whip something out and send it?”
“Yeah. I’ve sent stuff that I wished I hadn’t. But mostly you just said how you’d been watching me and thinking how we belonged together. But what really got my attention was when you told me that Ashley is tired of me and about to dump me for Caleb Andrews.”
I’m thinking this is total bunk because I know without a doubt that Ashley is head over heels for this guy. But feeling thoroughly confused, I don’t say this.
“And which email address did I send it from?”
“Huh?”
“You know, I have a couple that I use.”
“I don’t remember it exactly, but it did have the word ‘blondie’ in it.”
“Oh, yeah.” I nodded, although I had no such email address. Someone, and I could guess who, was playing a really bad joke on me. And Brett too. But how was I supposed to get out of this stupid mess gracefully? I didn’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings. And I suppose I was just slightly flattered that he was actually interested in me. I mean, who would’ve thought someone like Brett Hawkins would like me? But at the same time, I was totally infuriated that it wasn’t Timothy sitting here with me right now. And why had he sent me that email inviting me to meet him tonight? Of course, I suddenly realized, he hadn’t sent it at all. Shawna had.
“Brett, I need to tell you something.”
He nodded. “Shoot.”
“I think I may have made a mistake in coming here tonight.”
He frowned.
“Yeah, it was one of those things that seemed right at the time. You know, like sending an email and then regretting it? And I think you’re a totally cool guy, and I would be so lucky to have someone like you. But this is the wrong way to get you.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I kind of know what you mean.”
“And besides that, Ashley really does like you.”
“How do you know?”
“She talks about you all the time, Brett. You’re the only thing about high school that she doesn’t seemed bored with.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“And you’re pretty good friends with her?”
“Sort of.”
Now he really frowned. “Well, if you’re such good friends with her, why did you come here tonight?”
I sighed. Good question. Why had I come here tonight? If I told him the truth, he’d feel stupid and used. If I lied, I’d look like the backstabbing tramp that Shawna accused me of being. As it turned out, I didn’t get the chance to do either.
“See!” cried Shawna as she and Ashley walked into the Starbucks and quickly came straight to our table.
The look on Ashley’s face was like nothing I’d ever seen before—a mixture of deep hurt and pure white rage. I mean, if I thought I’d had jealousy problems with Shawna, I knew I’d hit the mother lode with Ashley. I stood up and tried to explain. “It’s not what you think—”
“Save it for someone who gives a—”
“It’s really not,” said Brett, trying to grab Ashley’s hand. “She was just telling me—”
Then smack! Ashley slapped Brett right across the face. I couldn’t believe it. And fearing I would be next, I took a step backward and headed toward the door. I considered saying something to Ashley to straighten things out. I wanted to shout, “This is all just a setup!” but I had a feeling my words would be lost on this crowd. Now Brett was yelling at Ashley and Shawna was throwing the blame at me. All I could think was, I better get out of here, and fast. Hopefully, Brett and I would have a chance to sort things out later after tempers had cooled.
I knew that the temperature had dropped drastically when I went outside and immediately slipped on the ice that was quickly building up on the street. I glanced back to the scene in Starbucks and could tell they were still fighting. I think I expected them to come after me at any moment. I hurried to unlock my ice-encrusted car and then, without bothering to scrape off my windshield, turned the key in the ignition. It was clear that the wipers were useless and I co
uld barely see, but somehow I drove down the street and managed to find the highway out of town.
By then my little defroster had managed to burn two small holes through the ice on my windshield. Hunching forward like an old woman, I slowly made my way onto the highway. But my hands were still shaking uncontrollably. I tried not to think about what had just happened. Instead, I told myself to focus on the highway ahead of me. I knew the roads were slick and suspected that I should move slowly in my frosted blue Bug. To my relief, the other cars were keeping their speed down too. And because I had absolutely no experience driving on ice—and not a whole lot of experience driving, period—I figured I’d better follow their example.
My head was being scorched by my defroster, which I had to keep running on high in order to keep the ice off my windshield, and my stomach was tied in so many knots that I honestly felt like I might need to pull over and throw up.
How have you gotten yourself into this stupid mess? I asked myself as I crawled along the highway like a frozen turtle. How could you be such a total fool?
Of course, I had no answers for myself—only more and more questions. And it wasn’t long before my questions turned into hateful accusations.
“You are such a totally worthless loser,” I told myself aloud. “You are the worst friend on the planet. First you totally ditch your best friend just so you can hang with a bunch of kids who probably hate your guts. But still, you don’t give up, do you? You’re playing this game, thinking you can win, and all you do is make more messes out of everything. And then you go and make those messes bigger and bigger.”
I figured I was pretty much like the Cat in the Hat. No matter what he did to clean it up, the pink-spot mess he had made only got worse and worse—well, until he pulled out Little Cat Z. But I didn’t happen to have a Little Cat Z under my hat. All I had was stupid old mess-making me.
Deep Green: Color Me Jealous with Bonus Content Page 9
