by Karen Rispin
I looked after him anxiously as he started up the road. Maybe Rick was right to be worried about him. I sighed. Nothing was turning out right. Daddy hadn't even heard me say I'd made it to the top.
The gritty, cold, muddy cuffs of the pants I had on were really bugging me. The huge T-shirt I had on covered me down to the knees, so I pulled the pants off.
That made me feel a bit better, on the outside anyway. How far were the others behind me, anyway? I wondered, peering up the empty road. There was more fog now so I couldn't see as far. I poked around the car looking for something to drink. Finally I found a Thermos under the back seat. It had milky tea in it from the trip to the mountain. I took a huge gulp. Cool and sweet, it filled my dry mouth and throat.
It seemed like everybody was mad at me now. I swallowed hard, blinking back the tears. More than anything I wanted our family to be OK. I wanted us to be strong in love, God's love. The thing was, nobody even knew that. They all thought I was still against Rick.
Suddenly I wanted to read those verses over again. When I was poking around I'd seen a Bible in the glove compartment. I sniffed hard, then fished it out and looked up Ephesians, trying not to get too much mud on the pages.
It said, "I ask the Father in his great glory to give you the power to be strong in spirit. He will give you that strength through his Spirit. I pray that Christ will live in your hearts because of your faith. I pray that your life will be strong in love and be built on love." It kept talking about how big Christ's love is and how he wants us to understand it.
"Then you can be filled with the fullness of God," it said. "With God's power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or think of."
I took a big breath of relief and put the Bible back. It made so much sense now. "Please make me so I can do the right thing and not be scared," I prayed. "I can't by myself. I just keep blowing it."
I hugged my knees, feeling better. Even if everything, and everybody, was different than I thought before, God is steady, I thought, then sighed. I was so tired that I felt numb. My head fell back, and I was asleep.
The sound of the car door opening half woke me, then Mom's voice was in my ears.
"Anika? Anika? You're OK!" Mom's arms came around me in a warm hug.
"I'm sorry, Mom," I mumbled, trying to make my mouth work. "Please don't be mad. I'm sorry."
"I'm just glad you're OK," she said and gave me a tight squeeze.
I heard other voices and struggled to sit up. Mom let go of me, and somebody laughed. That's when I realized what I must look like. I jerked the T-shirt down to cover my legs.
"Why did you run away?" Sandy demanded.
I didn't answer.
"Leave it," Daddy said. "We'll talk later. Let's get back and get you all cleaned up and fed."
"I say amen to that," boomed Uncle Joey.
Going down, the car was even more crowded than it had been coming up because Rick got in too. Lisa and I ended up squashed in the back seat with Rick and the packs. The four grown-ups and Sandy and Traci squeezed into the front.
I kept getting bumped up against Rick. I wanted to explain that I was sorry, that I wanted to help him now, but I couldn't with everyone listening. I wondered if Uncle Joey and Uncle Paul even knew who Rick was. Nobody talked. The air was thick with things nobody would ask.
Back at the lodge, Lisa and I went straight to the showers. That hot shower poured over me, washing off the cold muddy ache of the last two days.
"Hey, Anika, hurry up!" Lisa yelled at me. "I want a turn too."
"OK already," I answered, turning to let the hot water pour over my back. I closed my eyes in bliss.
"Anika!" Lisa yelled. I didn't answer. A second later I yelled and nearly jumped out of my skin. A big wave of freezing cold water splashed down over me.
"Liiisaa!" I yelled. "You didn't have to throw cold water on me, you turkey!"
She stopped laughing long enough to say, "So get out then. You've been in there for ages."
I wrapped a towel around myself and got out, sticking my tongue out at her.
It felt good to laugh with her, but I sobered quickly when she said, "I think you're lucky finding a big brother. All I've got is Alex. Ugh!"
She kept talking about how cute Rick was, and how she wished he was her brother. I squirmed. I didn't want to talk about it—at least not until things got sorted out.
"Anika!" Mom was calling from the door.
"Just a sec," I answered, stuffing my legs into clean jeans.
Sandy was with her. Both of them were already clean. "Listen," she said, "Daddy and I are going to spend some time with Rick this evening. I want you both to eat supper with Uncle Joey and Uncle Paul."
"Mommm!" Sandy said, "he's our brother!"
"I know," Mom said. "I hope you'll get a chance to spend time with him. But for now, Daddy and I need to talk to him."
"Mommm… ," Sandy protested again.
I didn't say anything. I felt too confused inside.
"Look, girls, what you can do is pray. I need your prayers and so do Rick and Dad. I've got to go, they're waiting. I love you both, and no matter what happens you're my very own girls."
Mom hugged Sandy, then me. Just as she was letting go, I whispered, "Mom, I really need to talk to him."
She just patted my shoulder and left. I think she was trying not to cry.
At the table everybody talked about the mountain. I kept looking around for Mom, Dad, and Rick. When I looked at Sandy she seemed small and worried. I wanted to switch places and sit by her, but I was too numb to move. Being warm, full, and clean made me so drowsy it seemed like a thick layer of sleepiness was gumming up my thoughts like Vaseline.
Right after supper, Uncle Paul told us to go to bed. "Your folks and Rick are in God's hands," he said.
When he left, Sandy and I were finally alone. She'd looked so worried at supper. I wanted to explain about how God was steady no matter what, to make her feel better. As we got ready for bed, I tried to think how to tell her.
"Sandy?" I said, "Um, see… I found these verses that say that—"
She whirled on me. "Don't talk to me about how I should be good! You're the one that ran off and made the whole day horrible!"
I stared at her with my mouth open. I never thought Sandy would be mad at me too.
"It's all your fault!" she yelled and started to cry.
"It is not!" I answered then swallowed hard. Sandy and me fighting wouldn't help. Besides, she was partly right. I sighed and said, "Um, sorry for doing that. I already told Mom sorry."
Her head was down, and seeing the little soft swirls of hair at the top of her neck made me feel like protecting her. "Look, I didn't make Rick come. I didn't make Mom have a kid without being married when she was a teenager."
Sandy twisted away from me and sobbed harder.
"Um," I said, uneasily reaching out my hand and pulling it back again. "See, I was really scared that everything was wrecked. That's why I wouldn't let it be true. But now I want to be strong in love like Mom and Daddy maybe are. If we stick together with God, you and me will be OK, even if stuff turns out wrong." I hope, I added in my head to myself.
Suddenly Sandy whirled and hugged me around the chest. I staggered, then caught my balance and hugged her back. We stood there like that for a long time.
Finally I let go and said, "We'd better go to bed like they said."
She nodded, and her hair tickled my nose. She let go without looking up and jumped into bed. I climbed into bed and stretched out my aching body.
"Anika?" Sandy's voice sounded small in the dark. "Anika? Can we pray?"
"Um-hum," I said, already half asleep.
"Dear Jesus," she said, "please let our family be OK, and let Rick get to know you too like Mom wants. Let them…"
I went to sleep right in the middle of her prayer.
"Anika, wake up." It was Daddy's voice. I ungummed my eyes. It was bright daylight out. Birds were singing. Rubbing my
eyes, I sat up.
"Come on, we've got to get packed up to go. We decided to let you sleep, but it's almost noon now, and everything else is loaded up."
"Where's Rick?" I blurted. "Is everything OK?"
Daddy laughed and knuckled my head. "Yes, we're OK. Rick is just leaving to take his rental car back.…"
I never heard the rest of the sentence because I jumped out of bed, grabbed my jeans and a T-shirt, and pushed past Daddy to the bathroom.
"I have to catch him," I whispered, hopping on one foot jerking my jeans on. "He can't leave thinking I don't care."
I yanked my T-shirt over my head, tore out the door, and ran for the parking lot. He was still there, just getting into a fancy sports car.
"Rick!" I yelled. "Rick, please wait!"
He checked and then kept moving.
"Rick, please listen this time," I panted, running up to him.
He stood up slowly and looked at me.
"Um… ," I said, trying to catch my breath and collect my thoughts. It wasn't so easy to know what to say now that he was looking at me. "Um, I just wanted to say sorry for being such a jerk."
He just kept looking at me, so I went on, "I was scared, see. I thought everything was getting wrecked, but now I want to be strong in love. In God's love. Even if Mom isn't who I thought, God's the same.…" He was looking at me so odd that I just kind of stopped talking.
After a second I said, "Well, sorry for being so awful to you," and turned to go.
"Hey," he called after I'd gone a few steps.
I turned. "You're OK," he said, grinning, and added, "even if you are a little weird." He shook his head and muttered, "All this 'God' stuff. Talk about religious!"
I stood on one foot, not sure how to respond. Then he grinned again and thumped my shoulder and said, "I got to go, kid. See you at Amboseli Game Park."
I watched him drive off, wondering what he meant about Amboseli. Maybe Mom and Dad invited him to come there with us. Having a new brother that didn't know God and getting used to my mom being different than I thought wasn't going to be easy, but then God never promised easy.
Strong in God's love, strong enough for any mountain, I thought as I walked slowly back toward the lodge, smiling.
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