by BL Mute
“It’s rude to stare,” Lucas chirps sleepily.
A smile tugs at my lips. “I wasn’t staring.”
“I can feel your eyes on me, Flower.”
I roll my eyes, then flip to my other side, putting my back to him. I can’t look him in his eyes when I’m thinking about Teddy. I should be over him by now. At least that’s what I keep telling myself, but I’m not. His memories are starting to fade, but his presence is still strong. Maybe it’s because I’m carrying his baby, or maybe I’m just crazy.
Lucas’s arm wraps around my waist from behind as his face pushes into my hair. “How are you feeling today?”
Do I lie or do I tell the truth? “I’m fine. Just ready for everything to be over so we can go home. I miss it there.” Half lie, half truth.
I can almost feel his frown. “Why don’t we find a new place? Somewhere far away.”
My heart thumps faster. How could he want to leave? I get stepping away from all of the craziness, but leave Northridge Heights? I don’t think I could. Everything I know is here. Teddy is here.
“We don’t have to leave. We can make things work here.”
“You can’t be a queen in a crumbled kingdom, baby.” He kisses my hair. “I get it, you want to stay close to what you know. You want to stay close to… him. But sometimes you have to know when to step away.”
I know he’s right, but I don’t want to admit it. I’m not ready to say goodbye. “I—” His phone ringing cuts me off.
“Hold that thought.” He kisses me again, then stands from the bed to grab his phone off the floor.
“Hello? … Are you sure? … Okay.”
I watch as his face morphs into a serious stone. He listens intently to whoever is on the other line and nods like they can see him. When his eyes catch mine, he holds up his finger.
“What do you need from me? … Okay.” He ends the call.
“Who was it?” I stand from the bed and step in front of him.
“Sebastian.”
I suck in a deep breath. “What did he say?”
“Emil is gone.” He almost smiles. “And since Teddy was his half brother, he’s getting some lawyers to draw up paperwork, so all of his finances are left to us.”
“I thought no one knew that.”
“Well, he obviously figured it out.”
I shake my head. “This seems too good to be true, Lucas. Why would he do that?”
He grabs my hand. “Don’t worry. In order to get everything in his name, next of kin will have to sign it over. Since he has no children, Teddy would be it. We will forge his signature and dates, then hand it over. All of the money he has in the bank will come to us while the properties go to Sebastian.”
“I don’t like this,” I state flatly.
He hunches down and grabs my face in between his hands. “Look, if it works, we can take what we get and get away from here.”
I pull away. “Why are you so hell-bent on leaving? What if I don’t want to leave?”
The small smile he had falls. “You want to stay for him, don’t you?”
I squint and wrap my arms around my front. “How are you so jealous of a dead man, Lucas? He’s dead. He isn’t coming back.”
He turns away, shaking his head before he fists his hair. “I’m jealous because he had you, Charlie. He had you and fucked it up. He hurt you—he fucking broke you! You should hate him!” His voice is a roaring boom.
I’m sure the shock shows on my face, because suddenly, his features grow soft. He steps closer and tries to reach for me. “Charlie, I’m sorry.”
I jerk away and hold up my hand. “Don’t.”
I walk to the tiny closet and start putting my things in a bag. I’m so fucking sick of this. Sick of the fighting, sick of hurting, sick of life. If I’m going to be forced inside, I’ll do it somewhere I want to be.
“What are you doing?” I can hear him come behind me, but I ignore him. “Charlotte.” He turns me around. “What are you doing?”
“I’m going home.” The word makes me feel warm. Sure, Teddy’s place doesn’t have the greatest memories, but it has some, and I like the picture in my head. I like the way it makes me feel. Safe. Content. Almost happy…
“You can’t do that. We still don’t know where Cameron is. I haven’t heard from Carl yet. Don’t be stupid, Charlie.”
“Are you going to stop me?” I ask, raising a brow.
“I will if I need to.” He crosses his arms.
“I’d like to see you try.” I drop my bag and grab his shoulders, then ram my knee into his dick. He crumples to the floor like wet paper, cupping himself.
I pick my bag back up and step around him, but his hand catches my ankle. I look down on him for a split second, then kick him in the ribs with my other foot. “You’re not stopping me.”
I make it out my door, but he isn’t far behind me. His breaths are still heavy and labored as he clamps my arm. “You can’t.”
“Fuck you. I’m going to go whether you like it or not. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Fuckkkkk.” He draws the word out as I open the front door.
I start marching to my old Pontiac, thankful I still have it, and try to ignore that Teddy’s Challenger is sitting right next to it. “Can you at least wait two seconds so I can tell Jules?”
I turn on my heel as I open the driver’s door. “You can call him from the car. I’m tired of fucking waiting.”
I slide into the seat and push in the clutch to start it as Lucas enters the other side. He’s shirtless and barefoot, but I don’t care. If he wants to be an asshole, I’ll show him I can be a bigger one. I’m done being a man’s doormat. I gave that shit up after what Teddy did.
I put the car in reverse and hit the gas. Gravel kicks up as I speed out and the engine strains, but I don’t stop. I drive until I reach my destination.
The only house on Asher Hill.
I slow down as we get to the peak. Not only is there a guard sitting in the shack, but Sloan is parked across the drive too. “Are you fucking serious?” I whisper.
“What?” I had almost forgotten Lucas was with me until he said something.
“There has been a guard here this whole fucking time and I couldn’t come back why?”
He stays silent as we pull into the drive. Normally, the gate swings open, but this time it doesn’t. I roll down my window and look at the guard. He gives me a curious look but doesn’t speak. “Are you going to open it or what?”
“Open the gate, Joe,” Lucas says, leaning over the center console. He nods, then hits a button, and the gate opens.
I swallow down all of my words I want to blurt out as I pull through. Everything looks the same. The blossoms are all dormant because of the cold, but you can see they are still there, ready to bloom again when the warmth comes. The gargoyles on the top of the house still stare down on us the same way they used to, but it’s almost like their angry faces have turned sad.
I put the car in park and pull the e-brake up, then step out. I take my time walking up the steps and stare at the door. Memories of my first time here flash through my mind, starting a ripple effect of everything I’ve endured while inside. I smile, and then I frown. I want to be happy, but I’m sad. This is somewhere I considered my home, but something is off.
Teddy isn’t here.
Lucas walks in front of me and pushes open the big wooden door, then steps to the side, sweeping his hand in front of him. “Welcome home, Flower.”
I step through the threshold and close the door behind me. I drop my bag to the floor, then walk to the stairs. I look up them but don’t bother going up. Instead, I walk to the kitchen. It doesn’t smell like good cooking how it used to, but I guess that’s to be expected.
A glint on the counter catches my eye. I step closer and pick up the golden brass knuckles. “Whose are these?”
“Mine.”
I look over my shoulder and see Lucas standing in the doorway. “I thought you weren’t sta
ying here.”
“I’m not. I only come check on things every now and then.”
I nod, then set the knuckles down and walk past him. Entering the hallway, I turn left and go straight to Teddy’s door. The last words I screamed at him in that room still vibrate through the walls.
“Don’t make me fall in love with you again…”
My breath comes out in quivering puffs as I turn the knob. He never had to make me fall for him again because I never stopped loving him. Even now, I can’t seem to make myself forget him no matter how badly I want to.
When I push open the door, it takes everything in me not to fall to my knees. The smell of his cologne hits me, and everything comes back. Every last memory.
“I’ve wanted you to be mine for a long time now, Monkshood.”
“Because I love you, I will kill for you.”
“Queens never let their head fall…”
I grip my chest as it pangs. “Fuck, Teddy,” I whisper, doing my best not to cry.
I walk to his closet and open the door. The light comes on automatically, lighting up all of his clothes. I brush my hand along his line of suits, letting myself really feel for the first time in a while. I’ve been so focused on all of the bad that I forgot the good. I forgot why I ever loved him. I’ve been telling myself to hate him and completely forgot to love him. Really love him.
I pull one of his plain white shirts of a hanger and ball it up, then bring it to my nose. His room had the scent of his cologne, but this… this has the scent of his skin. I drop to my knees and start pulling everything I can reach from the hangers.
At first, it’s an effort to get close to him, to feel him again, but then it turns into anger. Anger because he left me. He knew what would happen, and he tried to make me hate him before he left. And honestly, that just makes everything so much more painful. Knowing he only did what he did as a way to look out for me. He wanted me to be okay, but he should have known no matter what I would have hurt.
“He should have known,” I sob, curling my body into his pile of clothes.
“Hey.” I can hear Lucas before I see him. He squats to his knees beside me and tries to comfort me by rubbing my arm. “I’m right here. It’s okay.”
“It isn’t okay. He should have known,” I choke out.
“Should have known what?” he asks, changing positions to cross his legs.
“That it would still hurt. That no matter what it would hurt.”
Lucas’s eyes turn pained. “I know. He hurt us all, Charlie.”
“He left me. He left me with a baby. He wanted me to hate him, and I don’t. I can’t. And I hate that I can’t because maybe it would be easier, but this isn’t easy. I can’t do this, Lucas.”
“Yes you can.” He swipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumb. “Remember, you let it out in here. Scream, cry, do whatever you have to. But when you step out those doors, you’ll be composed. You’re not weak, Charlie.”
“I’m tired of being strong.” My lip quivers as another wave of sobs come.
“We all are. It’s okay.” He pulls me into his lap and holds me.
I almost laugh at the fucking irony. I was so mad at Lucas, I even hit him, but here he is, comforting me—telling me everything will be okay. He and I are just an infinity symbol looping round and around with all of the same shit.
Hate, sex, comfort.
And maybe that’s why I love him. Because even in this exact moment as I’m mourning Teddy and feeling all of the shit I haven’t allowed myself to feel, he’s still right here, helping me get through it.
“I don’t know why we do this to ourselves,” I sniff.
“Do what?” he asks, pulling his head back to look at me.
“We fight, we fuck, and we fall,” I admit.
“Fall?”
“I fucking fell. And every time I’m in this position, I fall even harder.” I shoot my eyes down.
“So, you’re admitting to loving me again even though I’m an ass?” He lifts my face to his.
I shrug weakly. “I’m tired of denying shit, Lucas. I can’t keep suppressing stuff that people think is wrong.” I take a deep breath. “You’re right, I should hate Teddy, but I don’t, and I probably never will. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love you because I do.”
He lets his eyes bounce between both of mine before pulling me back to his chest. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“If you need to feel, then feel. I’ll be right here. If the only way I can have you is to share you with him, then I’ll do it.”
I wrap my arms around his waist, ready to confess more, but the front door closing has us both hopping to our feet.
Lucas pushes me behind him as he peeks out into the hallway. “Stay here, Charlie.”
I want to argue and tell him no, but today has already been too emotionally draining. I fall back a couple of steps and watch as he walks out the door and closes it behind him. I pace, trying to stay calm, but it doesn’t work. I can’t just sit around and do nothing.
As soon as I reach for the knob, it turns, and Lucas comes back in. “You need to see this.”
I step out of the room as he holds the door open and try to compose myself. I wipe away the remnants of my tears and take a breath. The hallway is empty. I turn back to him as he closes the door. “What am I looking at?”
He stays silent and walks in front of me. He doesn’t stop until we reach the door that I know can’t hold anything good. Pushing it open, I’m met with more memories. The smell of dampness and blood hits me in the face as I stare at the concrete floor, then move my eyes up. Carl and Sloan are perched on either side of the metal table while Cameron occupies the only chair.
His hands are bound together behind his back, and his ankles are tied to the corresponding leg of the chair. When his eyes catch mine, his body starts thrashing, and muffled screams come from around the gag in his mouth.
Sloan stands first and walks toward me. Stopping in front of me, he brushes my hair behind my ear and kisses my forehead. “I’m looking the other way, Charlie. Do what needs to be done.” He starts down the hallway without looking at me again or saying anything more.
In a way, it hurts. I know he doesn’t agree with doing bad things, but my dad was his best friend. He wanted his killer brought to justice just as much as me. Knowing I have his blessing to end this brings me peace. I just wish he could look me in my eyes, tell me it’s okay to do things my way. But I know it can’t be easy for him. I was never okay with murder, not until Teddy anyway. I always thought things could be handled differently, but the world just doesn’t allow it. Bad people slip through the cracks and wreak havoc. I can’t let that happen anymore.
“Untie him,” I say into the room.
Carl’s eyes catch mine. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Charlie. He’s already put up a good fight.”
I look to Cameron again and see the blood running down his chin. It originates from his head and mouth, but I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel a need to fix him. “I said untie him.”
Carl looks past me, and I’m sure it’s to ask for Lucas’s permission with his eyes. I turn in the same direction and wait for Lucas to object, but he doesn’t. He pulls the same brass knuckles from the counter out of his pocket and slips them on. “Do it.”
Carl gives him a stiff nod, then moves to Cameron. “Listen, boy. There are three of us and only one of you. Be smart with your decisions.”
Cameron’s body halts its movements as Carl reaches down and unties one leg. As soon as it’s free, he kicks it out, trying to hit Carl, but Carl catches it. But before he can say anything, I step forward and grip Cameron by his hair, then jerk his head back. “Do you really want to do that?”
His eyes find mine, and I swear a smile forms around the gag. I yank it down, and his laugh erupts into the room. “We could have had better, Charlotte,” he snorts. “But instead you want these fucking criminals!”
I glance to Lucas and see his fist tighten a
round the brass knuckles, but I hold up my hand that isn’t gripping Cameron’s hair. I lean into his side, letting my lips rest right by his ear. “The god complex you have is pathetic. You’re no better than them, hell, you’re probably worse. You took two men I loved from me, and now it’s your time to hurt.”
He laughs again. “What are you going to do, Charlie?”
“You’ll see.” I turn back to Lucas. “Get him in the car.”
Cameron’s smile falls as Lucas steps forward and unties his other leg. “Let’s go for a ride, piggy.”
“No. No! It needs to happen here!” he demands. “They need to find me here!”
When he starts spitting his blood all over the room, it clicks what he’s trying to do. “Carl, stay here and clean this up. He’s trying to set us up. Make sure every piece of him is gone.”
Lucas chuckles as he hauls Cameron up from the chair and out the room. “Who do you think would work with you? You got one ATF agent locked up already and a fucking chief killed. You’re the short straw here, Cammy boy.”
“Sloan! Sloan will help me! He won’t stand by and watch this happen.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Did you miss him walking away, literally leaving you, or are you blind? Sloan isn’t helping you.”
As we make it to the front door, he screams louder. Before I open the door, I shove the gag back in his mouth. When we step outside, Sloan is waiting by his patrol car in the driveway. Our eyes meet, and he gives me a nod. I turn to Lucas as we make it to the end of the steps. “Put him in my car.”
He nods and walks toward it as I go to Sloan. When I stop in front of him, I look down. “I’m finishing this tonight. I know you may not agree, but it needs to happen. But I need something from you.”
