9
I squint into the sun, whose intense heat is quickly drying the water droplets running from my wet bikini. I pull the mask and snorkel from my head and walk towards the back of the brightly coloured boat where the others were gathering for lunch.
It had been a fantastic morning. A loud, lively breakfast, followed by an equally loud and lively trip on the boat to Shark Bay. Kate had saved me a seat at both; our increasing closeness causing some knowing looks and smiles from the others in the group, but I didn’t really care.
I felt something more than mild panic when the boat finally slowed to a stop, and the excitable excursion leader was encouraging us to enter the water. But as soon as I was in the water, curiosity overcame fear and I once again lost myself in the ocean, scanning the cooler, darker waters for the black outlines of its resident reef sharks.
The quietness of the bay was regularly shattered by shouts from small groups of snorkelers, pointing out possible sightings, but all too quickly our time there was over. Disappointed, I began to make my way back to the boat when I spot Ben waving frantically at me. Quickly dipping my head back into the water, I search through the waters below me, my heart stopping when I sight the unmistakable movement of a shark only a few metres away. I’m mesmerised; my heart beating hard, a heady mixture of excitement and fear making me feel incredibly alive. I watch, floating with the gentle current, until the shark swims out of sight.
Making my way to the deck of the boat, I have an upside down hanger of a smile, and Kate hands me a cold beer from a cooler under the seat.
“Are you glad you braved it?” she asks. Handing me a towel, she moves to a shaded area at the back of the deck, taking some respite from the blazing heat of the sun.
“I so am.” Still pumped from the experience, I can barely stand still, and Kate laughs at my childish excitement. The boat rumbles into life and we move off, slowly making our way around the island to the calmer, more typically blue waters of Coral Bay.
Kate and I sit happily together in the shade, watching the mixed group of others on board with us. The group was mainly made up of couples and young travellers, although there was one family on board. I look at Kate who is looking at me with narrowed eyes.
“What is it?”
“Your back is looking a bit red.” She bends to gather my bag from the floor of the deck. “Where’s your sunscreen?”
“It’s in the front.” I quickly rummage and locate the bottle. “I couldn’t quite reach every spot,” I explain, hoping that my infrequently sun-exposed skin hasn’t burned too badly.
“Then you should have asked me,” she chastises, taking the bottle from me and squeezing a generous amount into her hands.
With a nod of her head she instructs me to turn around. I quickly comply and Kate gently begins to cover my back with the cool cream. My brain is suddenly flooded with sensation; cold against the tenderness of raw, recently sunburned skin, the soft touch of her circling hand, the whisper of her breath against the back of my neck. I was now acutely conscious of so many feelings I had not experienced in a very long time. Her hand rests just fractionally too long on my skin after she had finished, and I hesitantly turn to face her. Her warm, and usually friendly brown eyes have developed a sensual depth, and she makes no effort to hide her attraction for me.
Conflict rages within me, and I realise that Kate is waiting carefully for my response to this new level of closeness. I feel paralysed, helpless to do anything but stare into those beautiful, golden flecked eyes. Reading my inaction as a rejection, Kate’s head drops and she begins to turn away. Instinctively, I reach out and rest a hand on her thigh.
“Just give me a bit of time,” I whisper.
Conscious of our surroundings and of numerous potentially prying eyes, she moves away, adding a small amount of space between us. She looks back at me.
“Just tell me if I’m going too far.” I sense there is more behind that request, perhaps a plea to let her know if there was no hope of anything other than friendship.
“I am attracted to you Kate, but there’s other stuff going on here and I don’t want to lead you on.” I hoped my brief statement accurately conveyed the absolute turmoil in my head. The last thing I expected was to meet someone else here, but if the last five years had taught me one thing it was that not being honest about my feelings had hurt me, and others, more than anything else. As complicated as the situation now was, I had to accept that for the first time since my teens, I was strongly attracted to a woman other than Hope, and I also had to process what that meant.
“Step by step then?” she asks quietly.
“Step by step,” I support my agreement with a nod.
A cautious smile appears around her lips, that broadens when I slide my hand gently into hers.
On reaching the deck at the back of the boat, I retrieve a t-shirt from my bag and quickly throw it over my shoulders to shade my still burning back. Adding sunscreen had no doubt stopped me from suffering more, but it could do little to undo the damage already done earlier that day. Kate spies my wince, and smiles sympathetically.
“It’ll feel better in a day or two, hun.”
“I know, but I just can’t believe I was that stupid. I’ll pay for it tonight in bed.” I wince again as the tender skin brushes even the soft cotton of the t-shirt.
“Poor you.” Kate’s hand reaches out to gently stroke the side of my face, and I involuntarily lean into her touch. Everyone else is at the front of the boat helping themselves to lunch served up by the crew, and I realise we are alone.
I look deep into her eyes, trying desperately to make sense of what I was feeling. Acting purely on instinct, I lean forward and her eyes widen in surprise.
“Sometimes we need to take big steps,” I say with some conviction. Permission given, she frames my face with both of her hands and presses her soft, moist lips firmly to mine.
10
I settle myself once again into comfortable position on a Thai chair in front of a fire pit, Kate settling herself at 90 degrees and resting her head on my lap. The others in the group have quickly come to see us as a couple, with a few suggestions encouraging us to consider travelling onwards together after Ko Tao. Kate said nothing to these suggestions, discreetly changing the subject to avoid putting me under any kind of pressure.
We’d just been to dinner where once again I’d indulged in my favourite Thai dish, beef massaman curry with coconut rice. I was becoming addicted to this place; to the gentle pace of life, the kindness of the people, the amazing food and the reliable sunshine. It pained me to think that I was almost halfway through my trip already, my life back in the UK a shaded memory, banished by the blazing heat of this island’s sun.
The waiter brings over a range of cocktails, a surprise from Pete and Ben on their last night. The chat again turns to the next adventure, and Pete presses Kate on the question of ‘where-to-next?’
“I’m not sure yet. I’m liking it here too much at the moment. I’ll see in a few days.” She shifts uncomfortably in my lap, and I can sense she’s hesitant to commit.
“I thought your hotel room is only booked until Saturday?” Gabby, one of the mixed group from the first night seems puzzled. She was the only one not on the boat today.
“It is, but I can always extend if I need to.” Looking increasingly uncomfortable, Kate moves to sit upright, placing some distance between us. I smile, but say nothing, not sure if I’m able to offer some reassurance or encouragement to stay. Kate wisely chooses to distract the somewhat self-absorbed Gabby with a discussion about her day. She had been on a diving course, and was more than happy to talk about it for the next hour to anyone within earshot. I keep only half an ear on that conversation, and instead sink briefly into my inner world, usually so frantic and confused, now calmer and more quietly thoughtful. This sense of peace is helped by Kate, who is softly stroking my arm with her finger; the soothing, rhythmic sensation in danger of making me sleepy after our long day of swimming and
snorkelling.
“Do you fancy a stroll along the beach?” My reverie was interrupted by Kate’s soft whisper. I could sense she wanted me to herself, and feeling that the night would be drawing to an early close, I nod. She rises and helps me to my feet, drawing me up slowly against her body, her hand remaining firmly in mine as we say our goodnights to the group, and our goodbyes to Pete and Ben.
Without discussing a destination we begin the short walk to my hotel and spend the next few minutes in easy silence. I feel the cooling sand between the toes of my sandal-less feet, and a soft breeze gently rustles the linen of my skirt. I realise that I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, and I can’t supress a smile.
Kate sees it and stops suddenly. The action is so out of keeping with the mood that I’m taken completely by surprise. I turn to see what’s the matter, and am overwhelmed by the look of naked desire in her eyes. In that moment I know I have a choice to make, and once again my instinct leads me to Kate. I take a step closer, pulling her to me by our still clasped hands. Running my free hand into her hair I pull her face to mine and kiss her hard on her lips. She issues a low moan and opens her mouth to let me in.
We indulge in a long, deep kiss. In my head there are flashbacks of earlier in the day; of Kate smiling under the sun, of her climbing into the boat, her perfect, round breasts encased in soft, blue, wet lycra, her gently curved hips and smooth thighs brushing past me whilst I was seated on the deck, rivulets of water running down her flat stomach as she tied her hair up after a swim. All of these recent memories, serving to intensify my desire until I realised that I wanted her just as much as she wanted me.
She breaks off the kiss as we hear voices getting nearer. She looks down and even in the moonlight I can see her flush. I find her embarrassment endearing, and I can feel my heart contract for this woman that I barely know. Giving her hand a squeeze, I turn to walk on to my hotel, heart racing with anticipation for what lies ahead.
We move off together, hands still clasped, giving scant regard to another two figures, appearing to be equally romantically minded, a little further up the beach. Kate steps closer and slides an arm around my waist, an action I mirror almost immediately. Tucked in together we continue along the beach, Kate nodding in acknowledgement to another lesbian couple who had been ahead, who were now passing us in the opposite direction.
I wouldn’t have given either of them another thought had the woman with short dark brown hair and green eyes not gently called my name, her unbelieving tone questioning whether it really was me.
My blood turns cold.
11
Kate kneels in front of me with a glass of brandy in her hands.
“Here, drink this. It’ll help you feel better.”
Unspeaking I take the glass of amber liquid and down it in one go, my hand shaking as I raise the glass to my lips.
She continues to kneel in front of me, staying silent, waiting for me to process what’s happened, to let her in on my now very apparent secret.
“I’m sorry.” I’m not sure if I’m yet ready to talk. I feel cold, numb and I’m sure I must be in some kind of shock. Going from a place of such peace and happiness to this in such a short space of time seemed inexplicable.
“That’s okay.” I knew she was trying her hardest to be patient, to understand. But I also knew there was a question hiding in that statement of apparent reassurance.
I take deep breath and try to start.
“It’s a long story.”
“I’m sure it must be for her to have this kind of effect on you.” Kate pauses, clearly conflicted by her intense curiosity, a need for reassurance and concern for me.
“How much do you want to know?”
“How much are you happy to share with me?”
I sink backwards onto the bed, a little of the pressure relieved and start to put together an abridged version of events in my head. But something doesn’t feel right, and I know it would be unfair of me to deceive Kate, even by omission.
So little by little it all comes out; my relationship with Hope, my mother’s crash, the end, the nightmares, everything. She sits quietly on the bed and listens, moving only to get me a refill when it’s clear that I need it. Tears quietly sliding down my cheeks, I finish my story, of forgetting a little for the past few days of the reason I came in the first place; of my surprise at being so attracted to someone else when I felt there was so much left undone from before.
When I’ve finished she moves to lie next to me, propping herself up on one arm, cupping her head in her hand. She is inscrutable. I have no idea whether she’s angry, sad, pitiful or indifferent. Why should this woman even care? I’ve only known her for a day. Finally, she’s ready to break the silence.
“So I wasn’t supposed to happen?”
“God, no!” My exclamation is met with a wince, and I quickly grab at her hand in reassurance. “I’m glad that you did, but it would have been so unfair of me to go looking for this, when I came here in the mess I was in.”
“Attraction isn’t always convenient is it?”
A response wasn’t necessary, so I left the air silent.
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know, Kate. I just don’t know.”
Two more tears slide from the corners of my eyes onto the immaculately white pillowcase below.
She pauses, and I sense she’s wrestling with where to go next, how much to give away. I see a subtle determination enter the shadows behind her eyes; she takes a breath and her shoulders set.
“Look, I’m not going to be the one to pile pressure on you Sarah. You have enough to be dealing with right now. But I just want you to know that even after everything you’ve said, it doesn’t change how much I want you.” She moves to sit cross-legged atop the bed and her tone takes on a practical air.
“I’m planning on being here until Saturday, that’s three days away. I don’t have any fixed plans for the next part of my trip and am happy to stay here longer. That’s if you want me to. I’ll be at the bar each evening until I leave, so you’ll know where to find me. Okay.”
“Okay.” I felt incapable of more than a whisper in return.
“Take some time, sleep on it, call your Aunt and talk to her.” She moves to retrieve her bag from a chair, and slides on her flip flops. I curl up from the bed, and we walk slowly together to the door. Turning to face me, she gently tucks my hair behind my ear.
“Deep down you know what the answer is, Sarah. You just need to give yourself a bit of space to find it.”
I can do nothing but stare at her, and a knot in my chest starts to form as I realise that she’s about to leave.
“Kate!” I tug at her hand instinctively, not wanting her to leave like this, not after the amazing day we’ve just had. It seems she feels the same way and with the same inscrutable look on her face she leans forward and places a hard, urgent kiss on my lips. I feel a breeze from an open door, and she’s gone, quickly disappearing into the darkness.
12
“What’s happened, love?”
Blod’s soft, familiar Welsh accent instantly soothes, and at first I can do nothing but apologise at ringing her so late, out of the blue.
“I’m just so confused, Blod.” Unusually, I conjure no tears. I seem to feel no sadness, simply uncertainty.
I recount the events of the last few days, leaving nothing unsaid. On hearing how I finally ran into Hope, Blod gasps. It’s the only interruption she makes.
“Oh Sarah, that must have been so difficult for you.”
I think back to those few minutes on the beach, the shock of seeing Hope, followed by distinct awkwardness, with neither of us knowing what to do. The very last thing I expected was for Hope to walk over and throw both arms around my neck in a huge, and entirely unexpected, bear hug.
“It was weird more than difficult really, once the initial shock went. And I wasn’t really sure what I was expecting to happen.” My shoulders slump. “I’m not sure what I wa
s expecting at all really.”
“So if it was weird rather than difficult, what are you confused about?”
“Nothing is really working out the way in that we planned.” My underlying fear of letting Blod down, of not delivering on my promise to try and reconcile with Hope tinged my very reluctant whisper. I felt like I was with my mother again as a child, mentally curling into a foetal position, ready to withstand a barrage of disappointment and criticism.
“Sarah, I only wanted you to get back together with Hope if that was the right thing for you. The trip was simply a way of you finding out, once and for all. I’d felt you’d stalled, that you’d stopped trying to live your life. Getting you to go to Ko Tao was simply a way of jolting you into some kind of action.” Blod’s patience and kindness made me feel guilty for expecting something far less. I should know her much better by now.
Blod pauses, clearly happy to let me process in silence. Finally, her curiosity got the better of her.
“You said she was with another woman?”
I’m jolted from my thoughts by the memory of Hope with her girlfriend.
“Yes. She said her name was Danni. She’s an instructor that works at Hope’s diving school.”
“What was she like?”
“To be honest, she didn’t really say very much. I think she was as shocked by the meeting as we were. Hope must have told her about me, as she seemed to know who I was.”
“Well, we often talk about our past loves to our new ones.” I smiled to myself as Blod leapt to Hope’s defence.
“I know that, Blod. I wasn’t having a go. It was just an observation.” I think again of those few minutes on the beach. “She seems really happy.” Once again I become pensive.
Hope Page 4
