by Nicola Haken
“Now now, boy… we all know how it went the last time you tried something like that don’t we?” Martin answered, followed by a sardonic laugh that made my stomach churn. He was so calm and collected – so threatening, even though his son had him pulled up onto his toes by the collar of his shirt.
Dexter didn’t respond right away and I think it was because he physically couldn’t. He was breathing rapidly, the veins in his neck were bulging on the surface and his face was such an intense shade of anger-fuelled red I feared it might explode. Then, releasing his grip on his father, Dexter sighed mournfully.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked desolately, stepping back. Instinctively I moved forward and placed my hand on his shoulder. It was only then I noticed he was trembling slightly and it took every ounce of effort my body held not to cry. “Payback? “Cause I’d totally get that. Hell, maybe I’d even welcome it. But this house is all Aunt Sarah has left and she’s done nothing but give up her whole life to take care of Mom and me. Whatever you think of her, or she of you, she’s never done anything to warrant you destroying her life too.”
I watched Dexter’s face as he spoke. The guilt was still there – pouring from his eyes as it continued to consume him. The worst part? Knowing there’s nothing I can do to take that pain away from him.
“So the fact that bitch lied to the police that day should just be forgotten about huh?” Martin snapped, scowling towards Sarah. The blood visibly drained from both Dexter and Sarah’s faces with equal speed.
“How do you know about that?” Sarah asked shakily. As far as we knew, Martin did a runner that day and was never found again. After a few months the case was put on the backburner and Sarah never heard from the police again.
“Because I was the one behind it,” he smirked. Seeing the confusion sweeping over Sarah’s face he added, “what? You think that lieutenant would risk her whole career for a nobody like you? You think she was just doing it out of the goodness of her heart? Oh please, Sarah… you can’t be that naïve surely.”
“I-I,” she stuttered. “I don’t understand.”
“The lieutenant who visited you that day, is now my wife,” he stated with a smug grin crawling across his stubbled face.
“I’ve heard enough of this bullshit,” Dexter barked. “Leave. Now.”
“No wait,” Sarah interrupted. I just stood there, shocked into silence and feeling utterly helpless. “Are you saying she wasn’t a real officer?”
“Of course she is. Don’t you think someone else would’ve interviewed you if she wasn’t?”
“Then why?” Dexter snapped. “Why would you cover for me like that?” he questioned, sounding completely dumbfounded. I was in no way softening to this heartless monster stood tall and intimidating in front of us, but I couldn’t help wondering if maybe he did have a teensy shred of decency hidden away somewhere deep inside him. Decent enough to want to protect his only son?
“Leverage.” Or maybe not. “I knew this day would come - the day I would come back for what’s mine. Granted I didn’t think it’d take her so fucking long to die but still I knew-” Before he could continue, Martin was flat on his back with blood pouring out of his already delicate nose. Standing over his father’s body, Dexter shook off his hand. He opened his mouth to speak just as I opened mine to tell him to calm down, but then he spat on the ground next to Martin’s body and stalked off inside.
Climbing to his feet, Martin dabbed at his nose with the cuff of his shirt before pulling the blood-stained material away and laughing mockingly.
“See his temper’s as wild as ever,” he taunted.
“Please, Martin,” Sarah begged, her praying hands reaching out to him. “Don’t do this to him. He’s been through so much.” Sarah was pleading with this vile creature. She was… desperate. Desperate to protect the boy she loved most in the world.
“Like I said, the sign’s going up on Monday,” he deadpanned and then turned to leave.
“HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING CALLOUS?” Sarah blasted, shocking me back a step. “You ruined their lives goddammit! You know what you did to them – how you treated them. Do you not even feel a single shred of remorse? HE’S YOUR SON!”
“I only have Deborah’s word for that,” he threw back with that sickening grin of his. “Monday. Don’t forget.”
Within seconds he was gone. I stared after him as he walked down the path and over to a shiny silver car before climbing in and speeding away with a screech. Sarah and I stood stunned and frozen for a few long minutes, staring into nothingness. I felt sick to my stomach. The fact I’d briefly shared the same air with that man made me feel almost violated. I’d never met someone so cold, so hostile, so… heartless.
I hate him.
“Dexter. We need to be with Dexter,” I remembered after way too long. He was hurting and I was outside in the cold staring at an empty space where the feet of a man who made my blood boil was stood just minutes ago. Sarah nodded weakly, her eyes red with unshed tears, and followed me into the house.
“Dexter?” I called, seeing no sign of him as I walked through the living room to peer into the kitchen. “Dex?”
Sarah went into the kitchen to make us mugs of hot chocolate, but I suspected she just wanted to be alone for a few minutes. I ventured up the stairs slowly, calling Dexter’s name every few steps. My heart sank a little further with every step I took. Had he ran from me again? Ran from the situation unfolding in front of us?
I was starting to panic when I found each of the bedrooms empty, but then I tried the handle on the bathroom and it was locked. I’d found him.
“Dexter?” I questioned, my voice shaking. “Let me in. I need to know you’re okay.”
“I-I’m fine. I’ll be out in just a minute,” he replied after too many seconds. His words seemed a little slurred, and pressing my face against the door as if that made me closer to him, I could hear him sniffing. He must’ve been crying. All alone.
“Please,” I begged. “I need to see you.” I need to hold you I added in my mind.
“Just a minute!” he shouted acidly, making me jump back from the door. I was pushing him too far. He obviously needed some time to get himself together and I needed to respect that, however much it hurt. At least he was still here. At least he hadn’t ran away.
“I’ll um, I’ll wait for you downstairs,” I mumbled nervously. He didn’t reply.
**********
Sarah went to bed soon after I came back downstairs. Her eyes were swollen and so red they looked painful. Clearly we all needed to talk about what’d happened but it didn’t have to be tonight. I think we were all too shaken to think rationally just now.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier,” Dexter apologised, taking my hand in his as we lay huddled together in bed, not long after Sarah went up.
“It’s okay,” was all I could think to say. Everybody responds to harsh situations differently. Where I’d need a hug, Dexter obviously needs space.
“It’s not okay. I was too busy thinking about myself to worry about you. You’re part of this whole mess now. It affects you too.” I smiled warmly, tracing the contours of his glorious abs with the tip of my finger. “I can’t go home now – to the UK I mean,” he added solemnly. I knew this was coming. I thought as much myself.
“Then we won’t,” I answered without a single breath of hesitation. “Not yet anyway. We’ll stay until this is sorted and Sarah can come with us.”
“That day can’t come soon enough.” I nodded in agreement.
So that was it. We were staying. A text wouldn’t suffice for this kind of news so I decided I would have to phone Rachel and Chris first thing tomorrow. I could probably fob Chris off without giving too much away, but not Rachel. I was going to have to tell her everything and I wasn’t looking forward to it one bit.
“I love you so much, doll,” Dexter whispered against my forehead before kissing it softly. “I’d be nothing without you.”
“Baby, if you were nothin
g, you wouldn’t have me right now,” I replied, settling my head into his chest. Closing my eyes and relishing the gentle thrum of his heart beneath my ear I added, “I love you, too.”
Chapter Five
~Dexter~
I wish I’d succeeded that day. I wish I’d been older – more experienced. Maybe practiced first… then I wouldn’t have missed.
I hate him.
I hate him so much my stomach rolls and my breathing becomes labored just imagining his twisted face.
I hate him for destroying my mother’s life and I hate him for trying to destroy Aunt Sarah’s.
I hate what he’s made me become.
I. Hate. Him.
And right now, the only person in the world I despise as much as that depraved and twisted bastard, is myself.
Today is Boxing Day. Obviously ‘us Americans’ as Emily often refers to us, wouldn’t usually celebrate it. But apparently it’s a big deal across the water so we planned to make it special. According to Emily it’s the day everyone chills out and recuperates from all the Christmas fun while eating leftovers, watching the last of the shitty Christmas movies and hitting the sales. I guess it’s kind of similar to Black Friday.
So that was our plan - until my father showed up last night. Instead the day was spent in uneasy silence – nobody knowing what to say to each other.
“I still think he’s bluffing,” Emily said, breaking the unbearable silence. It was late afternoon and all three of us were in the living room, staring at the TV but none of us actually watching it. “I mean, if he really is married to some corrupt police woman, then they’ll only be getting themselves in trouble if they say anything. He’s supposed to be dead right? Well that’s illegal for a start. I think he’s just trying to scare us.”
Well it’s working.
“Maybe,” I replied, shrugging off the nerves I felt stabbing into my stomach. “Guess we won’t know until he shows back up here.” In that moment I made a mental note to try my utmost to refrain from smashing my fist into his face again next time. It would be hard, because that’s all I can think about when he’s in front of me, but I also know an end needs to be put to this mess. That can’t happen if I keep beating the crap out of him and making him leave.
“That man is capable of anything. And who knows what this wife of his is capable of too. If he wants the house, he can have it,” Sarah muttered resignedly.
“NO!” I blasted, jumping from my chair. “Don’t you DARE let him control you like he did my mom!” Why the fuck would she give into him so easily? “We have to fight him on this dammit! We owe it to my mom!” I was pacing the room with long, forceful strides now – ripping my tense fingers through my messy hair and breathing so harshly my lungs began to burn.
“Dexter,” Aunt Sarah mollified. “The only thing your mom would want is for you to be free of that man. For you to be free – period. For you to live your life with that beautiful girl…” She gestured her hand to Emily who smiled coyly. “If anyone finds out what you did that day, you could lose everything. The future your mom always prayed you would have would be ruined. The fact is, Dex… although I despise your father and what he’s doing, I love you more than I hate him. He can take the house – I’ll get over it. I won’t get over losing you.”
“Fuck this,” I grunted. A thousand different emotions were pressing so heavily on my shoulders – crushing me… consuming me. I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t think straight or see clearly. Everything in sight had a deep red aura around it. It was like there was so much hatred flowing through my veins, it was beginning to seep out through my eyes – tainting everything an angry shade of crimson. “I’m going for a run.”
**********
I set off without a destination in mind but it seemed my body knew exactly where it was going. Ten minutes after slamming the front door behind me, I was standing on Jaxon’s porch.
“You got through that stash pretty quick,” was his opening line. He knew exactly what I wanted from him. “Need a bit more this time?” I shrugged nonchalantly, even though I was anything but. I wasn’t in fact cool, I was stressing the fuck out and I needed something to take that away. Hey, don’t judge me. I only needed a tiny bit more. I know my limits, okay? “Want company?” he asked, and it felt like life had rewound five years. Only this time I didn’t want company. I wasn’t in it for fun – I was in it to forget.
“Nah, I’m good. Going home now, man. Just getting a little in for the New Year in case I don’t get time to pop by,” I lied. New Year? That was almost a week away. This shit would be flowing through my system within minutes.
“Cool, whatever.” We carried out the exchange quickly and to anyone looking in on us, it was no more than a handshake. “Catch you around, dude.” I offered a curt nod in response and set off straight into another sprint.
I ran until I reached the park I took Emily to the day after she found out about my mom – the day after I let her down. Again. Just like I was doing now. I knew I was being selfish but I couldn’t help it. Sometimes life is so overwhelming. So painful. It’s excruciating.
The talking, the counseling, the deep breathing bullshit… it doesn’t work. Nothing can numb the agony ravaging my insides like one tiny little hit. I know you think I’m losing it again, just like I know Emily and Aunt Sarah would think the same if they knew. But you’re wrong. The last time I let the gear take control it was because I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t care if I was nothing – if I had nothing. I didn’t care if I lost everything and everyone. In fact, part of me wanted to because I knew that’s what I deserved.
So you see, it didn’t take hold of me – I gave myself over to it. But I won’t this time. I’ve got too much to lose. In all honesty I don’t know if I deserve to love and be loved, but this time I don’t want to lose it. This time I will fight to the death to keep it. This time, I’m in control.
Leaning back against the damp, moss coated tree trunk, I closed my eyes and welcomed the numbness taking over my thoughts and my senses.
Chapter Six
~Emily~
Dexter had gone for a run to clear his head so I decided this was the perfect opportunity to call home. Up in our bedroom, I called Chris first, wanting to get him out of the way first. As expected he lectured me a little. He banged on about my education and the fact that I was putting people I barely knew before my friends and family. Then he brought up money and the fact my visa won’t last forever blah, blah, blah. But when I explained in detail how it felt to watch Dexter’s mum die he softened. He went from peed off to oozing concern instantaneously. That was what made me realise how much I missed him right now.
Rachel was next and I knew this call would last a hell of a lot longer and when I dialled her number I tried very hard not to obsess over how much money it was about to cost me. Sarah told me not to worry of course, but I wouldn’t have her shelling out for my international phone calls. Especially when she was on the verge of losing the little assets she had.
“About fucking time, Ho!” Rachel greeted me. Unexpectedly my throat closed up and I couldn’t speak past the sobs wracking through my body. “Emily?” That said it all. She didn’t need to tell me how panicked I had her, just calling me by my actual name was enough. “What’s wrong?”
“I m-miss you,” I snivelled and I’d never wanted to hug her so badly. “We can’t come home yet,” I managed to choke out.
“Why not?” she rushed out, sounding alarmed. “What’s going on?”
Sniffing in my tears I went on to tell Rachel everything that’d happened. I started with the night I found out about what happened to Dexter’s mum. Then I talked her through the night she died, the funeral and finally, Dexter’s father. I chose to omit the night Dexter decided to run off and get wasted. I know Rachel and she’d think I was taking on too much if she knew the full extent of his past struggles with addiction. She’d judge him – even if she didn’t come out and say it, she’d be thinking things I didn’t want anyone thinking about Dex
ter.
“Jesus motherfucking Christ,” she breathed. “I don’t know what to say.”
“That’s because there’s nothing you can say that will make this any better. Sarah just wants to give up. Give him the house and start over somewhere else. And if I’m honest, I’m kind of with her.”
“But Dexter isn’t.” It wasn’t a question – even though I’d not told her as much.
“No. And I don’t blame him – really I don’t. His father is…”
“A twisted fucker?” Rachel said for me.
“Yeah. And I know he doesn’t deserve to just waltz in and take whatever he wants, but I can’t help just wanting it to be over. There’s something about him that scares me, and I don’t just think it’s because of the things I’ve learnt from Dex and Sarah. It’s the way he stands, the way he looks at you, the way he talks… he frightens the hell out of me and I just want him to go away. I just want us all to be able to come home and pretend he doesn’t exist. But… Dexter won’t give in. I know he won’t. He’s taking it really bad.”
“Fuck, Emily what the hell have you gotten into here?” Rachel muttered on a slow exhale and I instantly retaliated.
“Are you saying I should just leave them to it?” I accused, my voice seething. “I didn’t choose to fall in love with him, Rach. But I did and I will never regret it. Whether it’s the laughs or the tears, I have never felt more alive since I met him and I will NOT give up on him!”
“No, no, no… of course I’m not saying that. I’m just so fucking worried about you, Ho! About both of you. You know… I actually kind of like Dexter too… a little… sometimes.” Her tone was softer now and I felt guilty for snapping. If the roles were reversed, I’d be going insane with worry about her.
