by Nicola Haken
“Oh of course, we must do whatever it takes to make life easier for the mistress,” I replied sarcastically.
“Dexter…” Emily only said my name but her tone told me it was a plea. She was begging me not to lose it.
“I’m sorry, doll,” I said genuinely after a brief moment of reflection. “It’s just a lot to take in.” it dawned on me that I was pissed because they’d kept it from me. But then I remembered the fact I’d been too busy shooting up and blocking everyone out to give a fuck what anyone else was up to lately. Even if they’d wanted to tell me, I wouldn’t have let them.
Calm began to descend upon us – or rather on me - after that moment. We all sat down again and started talking about trivial shit. I for one was too afraid to carry on the sensitive topic of me having a sister. Actually fuck sensitive, it was more like a raw, gaping wound drowning in a solution of salt and vinegar. I needed to talk with Jeff about that at some point today.
“I’m going to take off,” Aunt Sarah announced after twenty minutes or so. “Give you kids some more time alone.” I stood up to hug her goodbye and ended up holding her a little longer than intended. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed this – missed holding someone… someone holding me. “Keep going, honey. You’re doing great,” she whispered in my ear. I didn’t want to make any promises knowing that I’d only ever fucked them up in the past, so instead I squeezed her a little closer and kissed the top of her head. Then, after pulling away and saying her goodbyes to Emily, Aunt Sarah went home.
“Come on,” I said, turning to Emily and holding my bent arm out for her to link. “Let me give you a guided tour before you head home.” Smiling, she bent down to scoop her tan jacket and purse off the floor. Sweet baby Jesus, the sight of her perfectly plump little ass in those tight jeans had my dick having a full on seizure in my pants.
What? I might be fucked in the head and coming down from a three month long cocaine binge but I’m still a man.
I was pretty sure I wasn’t allowed to give her a tour without permission but I did it anyway. I took Emily outside to the pool area first. We walked around it, hand in hand, a couple of times before I led her back inside and to the gym. Her eyes were wide all the way round and she joked maybe it was worth becoming an addict just to take a vacation in this place. Next I took her to the dining room before having a good look around for staff, seeing there weren’t any and dragging her down the long stretch of hallway and to my room.
Emily giggled when I pulled her into my room, flooding my ears with my favorite sound in the world. She soon stopped however when she saw Freya sitting on the end of my bed.
“Oh um, hey, Freya,” I said – feeling confused and awkward. Emily looked at me warily but when I squeezed her hand she smiled. She trusted me – whether I deserved her to or not.
“She’s not allowed in here.” She shot Emily one of the filthiest looks I’ve ever seen – and I know Snickers.
“You okay?” I asked quizzically, wondering what the hell was wrong with her.
“I should get going,” Emily muttered nervously. Confrontation made her anxious and the way Freya was glaring at her made it pretty clear that’s what was about to happen.
“She talks funny,” Freya mocked, presumably referring to Emily’s British accent.
“Freya seriously, what’s going on with you?” I wanted to bark ‘what the fuck is your problem’ but upon noticing how vacant and glassy her eyes were I started to worry. Freya shrugged petulantly and folded her arms across her chest. “I’m going to see Emily out,” I told her. Maybe she was sick – migraine or something. “Wait there.”
Ushering Emily out of my room I offered an apologetic smile. I waited until we’d called a cab from reception and reached the double doors before trying to explain… not that I knew how to explain – I had no idea who the fuck had pissed on Freya’s breakfast.
“Who’s she?” Emily asked when we stepped outside. I expected her to sound pissed but instead she sounded… I don’t know… concerned?
“She’s a friend. Sort of,” I answered. “She’s been through a lot of bad shit. Guess everyone in here has though. She’s normally pretty cool I don’t know what’s eating her. She’s never been in my room before,” I felt obliged to add. Emily nodded, seeming appeased yet no more enlightened by my response.
“Thank you for coming today,” I breathed, closing my eyes and savoring the warmth of her hand in mine. “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d told me to go fuck myself.”
“That never even entered my head. I’ve missed you so much. You’ve no idea how happy I am that you’re ready to come back to me. I’m still terrified though, Dex. I don’t think it will ever be possible for me to stop loving you, but loving you has been harder than I ever could’ve imagined.”
I sighed guiltily. I never thought it was possible for your heart to sink so low it felt like someone was playing the drums in your ass until that moment.
“I’m not saying that to make you feel bad,” she continued. “I just think all we’ve got left now, if we have any hope of moving forward, is honesty. And honestly? It hurts, Dex. Trust me when I say I will always wait for you and I will always be around to share your pain… but I need to believe the future holds more laughter than tears because I don’t think I can survive a lifetime of the last few months.”
Wow. A hefty kick to the balls would’ve hurt less.
“I’m gonna try, doll. That’s all I can promise you.”
Bet you’re getting sick of me saying that aren’t you? Hell, I know I am, which means Emily must be too.
“Jeff wants you to come to some of my sessions,” I blurted before I could stop myself. Shit. What was I thinking? “I mean… you don’t have to. It was his idea. I said no. It’ll probably bore the shit outta you anyway. I mean, you can… but you-”
“Dexter,” she interrupted my ridiculous rambling. “I think that’s a great idea.”
She does?
“You do?”
“Honesty, remember? There’s a lot we both need to work through here and maybe it would help having an outsider there to listen… to guide us. Your… issues… are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before and to be honest I have no idea what I’m dealing with. I thought I did… but I don’t. So yeah… I would like to come to some sessions.”
“Guess I’ll let him know then.” Christ, why the hell was I so nervous all of a sudden? “I wish you didn’t have to go,” I whispered as I pulled her close and inhaled the scent of her hair.
“But remember, this is why you’re here – for us… so we never have to be apart again.”
“Kiss me,” I asked, cupping her face in my hands. I felt her smile against my lips when I pressed them to hers. I let them linger for a moment, committing the feel of them to memory. Then I gently ran my tongue along the groove, silently asking for permission to taste her.
Her lips parted slowly and I flicked my tongue against hers causing a delicious little moan to escape from her throat. My hands wandered into her hair, twisting and clawing at the strands while I explored every corner of her mouth with my tongue. She tasted of mints, coffee and Emily.
“Fuck I’ve missed you,” I groaned into her mouth, fighting with every ounce of strength my body possessed not to throw her to the ground and fuck her right in front of the receptionist watching us through the window.
“I’m right here,” she murmured. “I’ll always be here.” Pulling away, I wished I could say it back. But I’d said it before and meant it, and look what that made me… a liar.
“I’ll call you tonight.”
“You better,” she ordered.
“Tell Aunt Sarah I love her?” It came out as a question.
“She already knows. But of course I will.”
After another kiss that didn’t last nearly long enough, Emily climbed into the cab which had been waiting for her for the last few minutes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered knowing no one was around to hear. Because I am.
I am so desperately fucking sorry for everything I’ve done and all the pain I’ve caused.
Tucking my hands into my pockets, I kept my head down, deep in thought – or self-pity – and walked back inside. Then, shoving past me, some reckless jackass almost knocked me to the ground.
“What the fu-”
“Stand aside!” I held my hands up in silent apology for almost yelling obscenities at him when I realized it was a paramedic. Within seconds there were half a dozen more people scrambling past me and out of morbid curiosity, I followed them.
Everyone bustled towards the corridor leading to our rooms and I trailed behind casually, keeping out of their way and watching curiously from afar… until they burst into my room. My pace picked up into a sprint and within seconds I was paralyzed by the open door, gawping in shock at the paramedics sticking tubes and needles into an unconscious Freya on my bed.
“Give them some space, mate.” My neck snapped to the direction of Jeff’s voice. “Go wait in my office.”
“W-what’s wrong with her?” I stuttered. My eyes refused to shift from her tiny body and my mouth dropped open as white foam started to spill from the corners of her lips and the color in her face evaporated.
“Dex!” Jeff ordered, firmly this time. Pulling my gaze away from the male paramedic ripping open Freya’s shirt and attaching something to her chest, I turned to Jeff. “My office. Now. I’ll be there in a minute.” I didn’t argue. Nodding, I stepped past him and made my way back down the corridor, past reception and to his office.
I paced up and down the short length of Jeff’s office for several minutes, never taking my eyes off the window overlooking reception for any sign of him coming. He said he’d be a minute – turned out he was fifteen.
“What’s wrong with her?” I repeated the second he approached the office door. Sighing, he entered the room and closed the door behind him.
“Looks like an OD,” he said calmly.
“An OD?” I repeated, completely confounded.
“Smack by the looks of it.”
“Heroin? How the hell did she get hold of that? I’ve never seen her with visitors.”
Jesus, is that what I looked like when they found me. Was my body convulsing? Had my eyes turned black and lifeless? Was I foaming at the mouth like some kind of rabid dog? Did Sarah and Emily feel even a fraction of the worry and fear I felt for Freya when I saw her like that? Because if they did, I’ve just fallen into an even deeper pit of guilt.
Selfish, worthless, bastard. That’s what I am.
“This isn’t a prison, Dex. You know you’re free to go whenever you want. Freya checked out for an hour this morning.” He was right. I didn’t have to stay here. If I’m honest with myself I’ve just been too afraid to leave the safety of the grounds as yet. Once I walk past those gates I’m back in reality. Back in the torturous world that led me to this place. Back in the line of temptation. Back with the people whose faces remind me every single day of all the unforgiveable shit I’ve put them through.
“She had a phone call from her mam last night. It’s not my place to tell you what was said but… well, I’ve said too much already.” That’s why I like Jeff. He gives just enough away to allow you to trust him but not enough to lose his professionalism.
“She gonna be alright?”
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. It was the first time I’d heard Jeff speak in such a sober tone and it literally knocked the air from my lungs. “The hospital will call with any news. I’ll keep you posted,” he continued as I slumped down into the brown bucket chair. “I didn’t realize you guys were so friendly?”
“We’re not. Well… I don’t know. She talks to me sometimes so I talk back. That’s really all there is to it. She’s been through some heavy shit though… can’t help feelin’ for the chick.”
“So…” Jeff began, his chirpier tone making an approaching subject change apparent. “You said you needed to talk today?”
Shit. I did, didn’t I?
“It’s cool,” I dismissed the mass of unruly thoughts and emotions whizzing through my brain. “Doesn’t matter anymore.”
“No you don’t. You canny get away with it that easily. I’ve got a meeting in five but I’ll meet you back here in an hour. Comprende?”
“Sure.” Saluting Jeff, I stood up from my chair and ran my fingers through my hair.
“Good. Go grab a coffee and get your shit together and I’ll see you in an hour.”
Hmm, coffee. I wanted more than fucking coffee. The familiar itch under my skin told me exactly what my body was craving and in an effort to ignore the destructive voice in the back of my head, I headed straight for the gym.
Chapter Twenty-Five
~Emily~
Holy nervousballs. Today was my first session with Dexter and his therapist Jeff. I was hoping Sarah would be with us the first time but apparently Jeff doesn’t want us all together initially. I lay awake all night trying to think of what I was supposed to say yet by the time morning came around I was still none the wiser.
Fresh from the shower, I was blasting off my hair with the hairdryer when I noticed my phone light up on the bedside table. Turning the dryer off, Adele’s soulful voice flooded the air (I deleted the One Direction ringtone because it reminded me too much of Rachel and the fact she hates me) and upon picking it up I saw it was Chris calling. I answered immediately.
“Hey!”
“Hey, Emmie. How’re things going?” He asked the same question every day and every day I told him the same.
“Okay,” I muttered, trying to hold back the permanent sigh threatening to expel itself from my lungs.
“Why don’t you tell me the truth for a change eh?” He caught me off guard and I let out a small involuntary gasp. Usually, even if he didn’t believe me he would just accept my answer. “Dexter cheered up yet?” he asked unsympathetically, referring to Dexter’s ‘depression’.
“He’s getting there,” I replied vaguely. “I’m going to see him soon.”
“Cut the crap with me, Emmie. I need to know what’s really going on. I need to know you’re really okay.”
“Whoa… how to change the atmosphere from fun to serious in one easy step, by Christopher Barton…”
“Stop it,” he ordered. I swallowed forcefully and my heart rate spiked. What had gotten into him? “I know about Dexter,” he added.
“What do you-”
“I know he’s an addict,” he interrupted. “I know where he is and why he’s there.”
Oh…
“How do you-”
“I went to see him before I left,” he admitted, cutting me off again.
“You did what? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I hoped you’d trust me enough to tell me yourself.”
Regret forced my heart down into my stomach.
“I do trust you. I was just…”
“Worried I’d think he was a worthless lowlife and that you deserve better?”
Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I thought.
“Don’t you?”
“Of course I think you deserve better.” My heart plummeted so far my toes had to kick it back up to where it belonged. “No one is good enough for you. But…” But – there was a but… “I believe he loves you, and I believe he means it when he says he’d never intentionally hurt you.”
Dexter said that?
“What are you saying, Chris?”
“I’m saying he’s getting one last chance from me and he knows it. But I swear to God if he ever lets you down again he’ll need more than a bag of coke to make him forget the pain I’ll cause him.” And that, ladies and gents, is my big brother. My over-protective, always got my back, loving and annoying as hell big brother.
“I love you, Chris.” At that moment, no other words would suffice.
“Course you do. I’m fucking awesome.” A small laugh escaped me and I found myself clutching the phone a little tighter to my ear as if that made us closer. “I g
otta go now, Emmie. Ernie’s stayed on to help with the books and shit and he’s whining about some contract he can’t find.”
“Which one?”
“Masons.”
“Bottom drawer of the blue filing cabinet, third folder from the back.”
“Fuck me, you’re good. Tell that nobhead to get his arse in gear and hurry yourself back home. I could really do with you here to sort this shit out.”
“I’ll pass on your well wishes,” I teased, giggling.
“Love you, Emmie.”
“Love you more.”
“Probably.” I could hear the smile in his voice and my own lips turned up in response. He’d sounded a little down lately… subdued and distracted. It was nice to hear him sound somewhat like his ‘normal’ self.
As for him being so unexpectedly accepting of Dexter… that right there is why he’s the best big brother in the world and why I absolutely should’ve trusted him sooner. I would without a doubt be lost without him.
My hair had continued to dry naturally while I was on the phone so after hanging up the call I ambled over to the oval mirror on the wall and scraped it back into a messy bun. Then I slipped off my dressing gown, climbed into some black leggings and pulled my long sleeved, purple shirt-dress over my head before posting my feet into some pumps and rushing downstairs to call a taxi.
Our session with Jeff wasn’t for another hour but I knew I could spend the extra time with Dexter and that thought invited thousands of little butterflies to come and play in my belly. I’ve been worried about him since I last saw him two days ago. Turns out that girl with the attitude waiting in his bedroom took an overdose and though he’s not said it directly, I know it’s affected him. She’s doing okay as far as I know. Well, she’s not going to die. I suppose that’s as okay as you can get when recovering from an OD.
The taxi sounded its horn outside within minutes of me calling for it. Folding my jacket over my arm and picking up my bag, I headed outside, locked the door and eagerly made my way towards it – smiling all the way down the path at the knowledge I would be in Dexter’s arms soon.
