Rusty ushered Todd inside. He loved this bar, and he’d miss it when he was gone. It was a total biker bar and the counter was always sticky, but they didn’t play the music too loud and bikers, Rusty had found, were a live-and-let-live community, which suited him just fine.
When Niles and his drop-dead gorgeous friend, Victor, walked through the front door of the bar, warmth spread through Rusty’s chest and up to his cheeks. Niles had on stupid khaki cargo pants and a Carlsbad Cavern National Park long-sleeved shirt. He looked like he worked at the Carlsbad Cavern gift shop, for fuck’s sake, but that didn’t make Rusty want him any less. Victor’s shirt was lime green and said The Library is Open. He’d paired it with dark skinny jeans and black Chucks. Victor was honestly one of the sexiest men Rusty had ever seen in person. He was an absolute Instagram thirst trap in the making.
Todd immediately tensed when he spotted Victor and Niles, and Rusty almost laughed at the fact that someone would be competing with Todd for the title of hottest gay guy in the room.
Niles and Victor slid into their booth, and Niles introduced Victor to Todd and Rusty. Then they all gawked at each other for several uncomfortable moments.
“Do you want a drink?” Rusty asked. He had ordered a pitcher of Bud when he’d first arrived, which had offended Todd’s refined palate. Both Niles and Victor nodded, so Rusty poured them each a glass. Niles took several swallows of his without comment.
But Victor, like Todd, evidently had more sophisticated tasted. After a small sip, he sputtered, “What the holy hell is this?”
“It’s fucking Budweiser,” Todd bit out. Rusty gaped at him. He had never heard Todd sound so venomous, and it didn’t make sense, especially considering he’d literally bitched about drinking Budweiser no less than two minutes before.
Victor locked eyes with Todd and smiled, and Rusty sat back to watch the fireworks show.
“Delicious,” Victor purred, all sass and vitriol, and then dragged his teeth over his full bottom lip, which made Todd huff. “So, Todd baby, Niles tells me you work with Rusty. Isn’t that hard, working with your ex every day?”
Niles whispered, “Vic!” And Rusty’s neck heated. Rusty had hoped they could get through this friendly little soiree without dredging up their ill-fated love triangle, but Victor obviously wasn’t the type to let sleeping dogs lie.
“I do perfectly fine, thanks. I can control myself. I’m not that thirsty,” Todd sneered.
“Oh, God,” Rusty murmured under his breath. This was not going well.
“Hey, there ain’t nothing wrong with a little thirst. And you’re certainly perfectly fine.” Victor’s eyes raked over Todd’s face, neck, and chest in a move so blatant, it made Rusty hot.
“Some of us have learned self-control. Do you have any experience with that?” Todd snapped back.
“Nah,” Victor laughed. “The only control I like is when it comes from someone else.”
“Oh my mac ’n cheese, Victor! Stop stirring the pot,” Niles moaned.
Victor smiled coyly at Todd, who gritted his teeth so hard Rusty swore he could hear it.
“How was school this week?” Niles asked Rusty. The sparkle in his eyes hit Rusty right in the gut. There was so much eagerness in them, like he wanted nothing more than to hear about Rusty’s boring job.
“Not bad. We’ve been working on learning our music for the Holiday Concert, so I’ve been busy.”
“No way!” Victor laughed brightly. “Isn’t it a little early for Christmas?”
Rusty shrugged. “It’s the next concert. We started on Christmas music as soon as the Bluestem Bluegrass Festival was over.”
“And what do you do, Victor?” Todd asked. There wasn’t quite enough inflection in his voice to come off as anything but bitchy.
“I’m a dance instructor on a cruise ship.”
“Seriously?” Todd spat. Rusty had no idea what was up Todd’s craw, but he was content to watch the evening implode as long as the debris avoided him. Maybe he’d be able to joke about it later with Niles.
“Yep. I teach a hip-hop exercise class for kids most afternoons, and a ballroom dance class for adults a couple of times each cruise. I know how to move.” Victor winked at Todd.
Todd opened his mouth to respond, but Niles cut in. “Victor’s an awesome dance instructor. He taught me how to twerk once. Or, well, he tried to teach me to twerk. It didn’t twork, if you know what I mean.”
Rusty laughed, and the smile Niles turned on him took his breath away.
“So do you think you’ll work on cruise ships for a long time? Or do you ever have plans to return to the mainland?” Rusty asked Victor.
For the first time that night, Victor seemed hesitant. He bit his lip and flicked his gaze toward Niles. “I’m thinking about quitting soon, but—”
“You are?” Niles asked, turning in his seat so he was facing Victor. “You’ve never mentioned quitting before.”
“I know, but it’s hard to have a life outside the cruise circuit,” Victor said softly. The change in his attitude and voice was dramatic. All of his sassy armor fell away when he looked at Niles. How much of that brashness had been a defense mechanism? Rusty risked a glance at Todd, and Todd’s eyes were glued to Victor’s face. “Eventually, I want to settle down a little. Not like with kids and a mister, but maybe with an apartment that’s bigger than a shoebox and a steady job that doesn’t involve vacationers.”
Niles smiled slyly. “You sure it’s not because you want a mister?”
Victor rolled his eyes and grinned. “I don’t need a man. I have an app for that.”
“When do you think you’ll quit?” Niles asked.
“I don’t know. Soon, though. I’ve signed a contract for two cruises. But after that, I’ll probably say sayonara.”
“Where will you live?” Rusty asked. It would be nice if he lived close to Niles.
“Probably Tulsa or Oklahoma City. It would depend on where I could get a job. I have a friend in OKC who could hook me up teaching Zumba classes, but that won’t pay all the bills.”
The conversation quickly turned to the cost of living in the city, and they spent the next hour chatting amicably. Mostly. Victor and Todd could hardly speak without barbs flying, and watching Victor and Niles interact filled Rusty with envy. They obviously loved each other. Victor never once did anything that would tear Niles down or feed his insecurities, and Niles clearly adored Victor. Their connection was one of humor, love, and respect.
If he’d never kissed Niles after that dress rehearsal all those weeks ago, maybe they would have been able to have a friendship like that. In the grand scheme of things, they had both probably needed a friend more than a boyfriend, but he’d been selfish. He’d wanted more. And now he had no right to be jealous at all.
After about an hour, he said, “I’ll get us another round.”
“Oh! I’ll go with. I don’t think I can stomach another Budweiser,” Victor said primly. “Do they serve wine here?”
Rusty chuckled—they definitely did not serve wine at O’Donnell Ducks—but his humor died the moment he caught the calculation in Victor’s gaze as he unfolded himself from the booth.
At the bar, Rusty ordered another pitcher of beer, and Victor asked the bartender, “Can you tell me what beers and liquors you have that don’t have any soy in them?”
The bartender, a skinny bald guy with tattoos everywhere, including his scalp, stared at him with suspicion.
“We got a binder with all the allergen info somewhere, but I’ll have to dig for it.”
“Thanks, man. I really appreciate it,” Victor said in the flirtiest voice ever.
“Soy? Are you allergic to soy?” Rusty asked as the bartender shuffled toward the employee-only section of the bar.
“No, but I wanted a couple of minutes to talk to you alone. Keep me company?”
Well, someone was devious. “Umm, okay.”
“Good. You’re breaking his heart, you asshole.”
Yikes
. Victor certainly did not pull his punches.
“Niles broke up with me,” Rusty replied, almost like a knee-jerk reaction.
“Dude, give me a break. You lied to him about Mr. Fucking Fantastic over there. What did you expect? And from what he says, he crawled back so quickly he could have been doing one of those muddy obstacle courses. You’re just being stubborn. I can see that you want him too. So can Todd. That’s why he’s pissed.”
“Todd’s pissed because he thinks you’re obnoxious but also hot.”
“Don’t distract me by saying nice shit.” Victor smiled and preened a little. “Seriously, Rusty, if you and Niles love each other, why aren’t you together?”
The pit of Rusty’s stomach dropped out. Did he love Niles? Maybe? He’d thought so before they’d broken up, and Niles still made his heart light and his insides twist, but he wasn’t comfortable with it being so evident. “Niles told you about saying he loves me?”
Victor’s jaw dropped, and it was obvious Niles had not told him that. Christ.
Rusty rushed on, “You’re right. It’s stupid and it sucks. And after last weekend, I really wish it were different. But I’m moving away. If we can’t manage to stay together from one hookup to the next, there’s no way we could handle it long distance. I don’t want to hurt him more than I already have.”
“Oh. Wow.”
“Yeah.” Rusty scrubbed his hands over his face.
“What happened last weekend?” Victor asked innocently.
Rusty’s growled into his hands. Fucking shit. “Ask Niles.”
“Oh but, darling, I’m asking you. Did you fuck?”
“Ask Niles!”
“So that’s a yes. Let me get this straight: you essentially had breakup sex, you love each other, and you’re a coward. Am I missing anything?”
Rusty stared at him, at a total loss for words.
The bartender dropped a dingy white binder onto the bar in front of Victor, making them both jump, and then flipped the binder open and pointed. “This column is soy.”
Once the bartender walked away, Victor said, “Shit. Now I actually have to flip through this and choose.”
“Yep,” Rusty said, eager to escape, but Victor seized his elbow before he made it off his barstool.
“Niles is a little screwed up. He’s had a rough few years, and I know that’s not an excuse for the fact that he ghosted on you. But his view of your whole relationship, from the time you met to the breakup sex last weekend, is going to be colored by his self-doubt and insecurities. And when you move to Bumfuck, Wherever, he’s going to think it meant nothing to you. Is that what you want? Because you’re everything to him.”
Rusty bit the inside of his cheek. It wasn’t his job to police Niles’s insecurities, but the truth behind Victor’s words made him feel sick.
“That’s not fair.” He pulled his arm out of Victor’s grip.
“Life’s not fair, kitten.”
When Rusty sat back down at their booth, Niles and Todd were talking about pianos, of all fucking things. The dissonance of it made his head spin.
“It’s an old Kawai. I’m not sure what year, and it sounds like death,” Niles was saying. “It needs a major tuning, but it’s in good shape.”
“It would be nice to have something other than my parents’ old electronic keyboard,” Todd said.
“What are you talking about?” Rusty asked, suspicious of the friendliness between Todd and Niles.
“Niles is trying to talk me into buying his mom’s old upright.”
“I want it,” Rusty said without thinking. He hadn’t even realized the words had left his mouth until he had to take in the deafening silence following them.
“You do?” Niles asked, clearly skeptical. “You’re about to move. Do you really want to have to pack and transport a piano to Sapulpa?”
Todd was staring at him strangely, and Rusty felt strange too. He didn’t know why he wanted that piano so badly all of a sudden. But the thought of Todd owning that small piece of Niles’s past bothered him, and he didn’t want to look too closely at it.
“Yeah. I do. How much are you selling it for?”
“Oh. I don’t know. I feel weird making you pay.”
Todd laughed, but then Victor returned with a mixed drink and his laughter abruptly died. “You were going to make me pay for the piano,” Todd said.
“Well, yeah, but you’re you, and Rusty is …” Niles gazed down at his lap.
Victor jumped in. “He was going to list it for three hundred dollars on Craigslist, but we’ll give you a friendship discount of two-fifty.”
“Sold,” Rusty said softly. He’d been saving up for a new TV, but he would gladly sacrifice some of that money for this. He put his hand out for Niles to shake.
Niles slipped his palm into Rusty’s, but rather than shaking, he gently squeezed. Really they were just holding hands across the table, and Rusty didn’t want to be the first one to pull back. But then Todd cleared his throat, and Niles ripped his hand away and shook his head like he was confused. His face blanked of all emotion, his eyes going flat and distant, and he poured himself another glass of beer.
Victor glanced between Rusty and Niles, and Rusty about died at the distress in his eyes. He was pretty sure it was mirrored in his own.
Several days after their frankly uncomfortable night at O’Donnell Ducks, Niles lay in front of his parents’ bedroom closet door, completely exhausted. Victor plopped down beside him.
Having Victor in his house had motivated Niles into actually making some changes. Victor was ruthless in helping clean out the junk. Each time Niles waffled over an item, like a box of his mother’s purses, Victor would say, “Will you ever use them? Will you want to pass them on to any future children you might have? Do they hold a particularly significant memory?” He made it easy for Niles to sort out the ephemera from the items that were important to his parents’ history or to him.
The furniture was harder. Victor had convinced Niles that it was time to move into the master suite, but Niles had to decide if he would use the bedroom set his parents had bought when they got married or sell it.
While looking at the furniture now, the flood of memories almost overwhelmed him. When he’d been sick as a child, his mom had let him sleep in their bed during the day. And as an adult, he’d sat in the rocking chair in the corner and kept his mom company until she’d had to move to a palliative care unit.
“I don’t know what I want to do with it yet,” he said.
In addition to the rush of melancholy at the sight of the mid-century modern bedroom set, he also felt a little strange sleeping in a king-size bed all by himself. It seemed unnecessarily extravagant.
“It’s so retro, Niles. I freaking love it, but it’s up to you. You could probably get a pretty penny for it. It’s in really good shape.”
Niles sat up and ran his hand over the footboard. It was smooth and worn from years of use.
“It needs a new mattress,” he said.
“So you’re going to keep it?”
“I guess. It’s a grown-up bed. I need to grow up a little at some point, right?”
Victor enclosed Niles’s hand in his own and leaned his head on Niles’s shoulder.
“Sweetie, you are a grown up. You have a great job and a nice home. Your car is paid off. You don’t have student loans. You’re not addicted to social media or hookup apps. You’re like a millennial unicorn.”
Niles smiled and brushed a kiss over the top of Victor’s head. Victor was clearly throwing shade at himself, but Niles had always been envious of his ability to be adventurous and live his own life. Victor was fearless.
“What if my dad gets better?” Niles asked softly. He couldn’t keep the question at bay, though he knew it wasn’t healthy for him to put his faith in a miracle.
Victor laughed suddenly. “Can you imagine what he’d say if he came back from the nursing home and you’d painted the master suite in Hufflepuff colors and hung up the To
m of Finland prints I found under your bed?”
Niles couldn’t help but grin. “He’d probably think it was hilarious.”
Victor grabbed his hand and held it gently. “Yeah, and he’d be proud of you for being bold.”
Oh shit. Now Victor was going to make him cry. He squeezed Victor’s palm and whispered, “Thank you.”
“Let’s go to that mattress place in Tahlequah tomorrow. I bet they make same-day deliveries,” Victor said. “And then we can work on moving all of your stuff in here.”
Niles nodded. “That’s a good plan.”
“Damn straight.” Victor stretched out his legs, and the tips of his toes bumped a wardrobe box under the bed. He slid the box out. “What’s this?”
“It’s some of my dad’s Cheyenne regalia and traditional dress.”
“Can I see it?”
“Of course.” Niles lifted off the lid, and held his breath. His dad’s regalia always touched him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his dad in full dress—it had been over ten years ago now. Normally, when his dad had dressed for powwows or other events, he’d simply worn a few pieces and his regular clothes. Much of the traditional regalia in the box was from when his dad had participated in dances as a young man, and the rest he’d only worn in special circumstances.
Niles rifled his fingers over a pair of moccasins with rawhide soles. Victor unfolded some tissue paper to reveal a beaded belt, which had always been one of Niles’s favorite pieces. His grandmother had made it for his father when his dad had been a young adult, and though Niles had never met his grandmother, these pieces of their heritage made him feel connected to her. When Niles was a teenager, his parents had gotten him armbands made with a similar bead pattern, and he’d worn them underneath his high-school graduation robe, along with a feather on his graduation cap and a Cheyenne and Arapaho tribes stole. He’d been one of many students with signs of Native heritage at his graduation.
Life on Pause Page 19
