I’m also tired from eating so much. Mom ordered a big Thanksgiving dinner from Albertsons and invited all these people over, and I pigged out. Albertsons sure is better than Mom’s cooking. Duke was supposed to come, but he has strep throat. If I was a decent human being, I’d go visit him.
MY IMPRESSIONS OF THE PEOPLE THERE 1. Dr. Vermin. Minus 2. Tried to take over my job of cutting the turkey. I can just see him moving in.
2. Mom. Plus 5. Nice of her to invite Nate and his mom, the walking ashtray. Great idea not to try cooking again—especially after last year’s pink turkey disaster.
3. Aunt Marsha. Minus 1. Pretty pathetic. You could tell she was missing June the whole time. Wish she’d meet a nice lesbian lady. I wonder where they find each other anyway.
4. Nate. Plus 6. Denied hearing any rumors about me and Spanish class. He goes, “Anyway, I know more about you than some gossiphead.” He also deserves points for putting up with his mom.
5. Nate’s mom. Minus 6. Half the night she stood in the backyard puffing away on her cancer sticks. The other half she chugged red wine. I bet she drank a whole bottle.
6. Grandma. Minus 8. Spent the night insulting people, especially Mom. Said the kitchen counter needed re-grouting, called my table manners primitive. Told Mom she’d be better off in cooking school than law school. Actually made me feel sorry for Mom.
7. Amanda. Plus 3. Did this phony toast to Mom. Said she’s this great role model for going to law school and hosting Grandma and everyone right before her finals.
I wonder what it’s like at Golden Village tonight. I hope they served turkey. And a Jell-O mold thing for those dentally challenged.
I hope Duke’s okay.
Friday, November 26
THINGS TO DO WITHOUT A TV 1. Read a book.
2. Visit Duke.
3. Memorize Scrabble words.
4. Lift weights.
5. Stare at Victoria’s Secret catalog again.
6. Watch TV at Nate’s.
7. Bike to Circuit City and watch TV there.
Sunday, November 28
Saw Dad without his bimbo delight tonight. The Thighmaster wants him to lose 10 pounds. She’s got him on this diet. Dad has a little tire belly, but it’s not like he’s fat. Since The Thighmaster wasn’t there tonight, me and Dad went to Burger King and each ordered a Double Whopper, fries, onion rings, and a chocolate shake. Sure beats the rabbit food restaurants he’s been taking me to lately.
He seemed so happy to eat normal food, I got up my nerve to ask him the question. “Dad. Once I turn 15 and get my permit, will you teach me to drive?” He said, “No problem.” Yes!
I even thought about telling him stuff like my crush on Gina, and my poetry report, and the Rex Incident. But, I don’t know. It seemed like too much work. I wasn’t sure where to start, or how, or why. Plus he didn’t really ask.
I wish I had something good to say. Like, Hey, Dad, right after I scored the winning soccer goal at the home game, 2 cheerleaders asked me to the Snowball simultaneously. That he’d be interested in.
We mostly just talked about the food and football.
Monday, November 29
I hope Sydney Holland keeps her mouth shut about the Rex Incident. She stood by my locker after school, twirling her frizzy hair. I gave her this mini-wave, to let her know I saw her but wasn’t exactly thrilled.
Luckily I had Nate with me. We were going to bike to his house. He had leftover sausage pizza, plus the TV.
When Nate and I walked off, she rushed after us, going, “I really want to talk to you, Mike.” At least she didn’t call me Storky. Or something worse, like Stiffy or Woody. I said, “We’re in a hurry,” as if the pizza would explode if we didn’t get there in precisely 9 minutes. And she goes, “I just need to speak to you about something private.” Nate offered to wait by the locker, but I went, “No, no, we have to go.” And I rushed off.
When Nate caught up to me, he asked, “Why did you blow her off? She’s so into you.” I didn’t say anything. Nate said my face was red. He goes, “I bet you like her, but you’re too scared.” I didn’t tell him she saw me with a boner and I think she wants to blackmail me.
What a mess. I’ll deny everything. I’ll say, What was Sydney Holland doing staring at my crotch? I’ll say my johnson’s so big it just looked like it was hard. Oh, man, she better not tell anyone.
Wednesday, December 1
I’m never seeing Duke again. And it’s not because he scored 403 points in Scrabble and did a victory lap in his wheelchair with the old geezers cheering him on. Even though that totally bugged.
On his way back from the victory lap, he goes, “Don’t be glum, son. If I can stay alive another decade, you might win a game.” Hahaha. What a laugh riot. I told him, “Lucky you, I’m not your son.” It was supposed to be a joke, I guess, but it didn’t come out that way. More like pathetic.
He got all serious and grabbed my hand in his wrinkly one, which was even worse than Berman’s hand in my hair. He goes, “Your parents should consider themselves quite fortunate. I know your mother does.”
I wanted to say, Spare me. And my hand. Sure, the 1 percent of my time I spend at Golden Village, Mom beams like a flashlight. But the other 99 percent of my time, when I didn’t visit you when you were sick, or when I’m watching TV or inhaling the refrigerator or holed up in the bathroom with that Natalie Portman picture Nate got off the Internet, Mom isn’t high-fiving herself on what a great son she raised.
I told Duke, “Mom likes everyone. Even that hard-ass nurse you say reminds you of Kathy Bates in Misery. Mom said she just went into the wrong profession.”
Then he tightened his pruny hand around mine and goes, “It’s your father, isn’t it? You think you haven’t earned his respect. He deserves better than you, right?”
Where did he get that anyway? From Mom? Was she psychoanalyzing me behind my back? Or maybe he just knew I’m too geeky a kid for a dad to be proud of.
It doesn’t matter how he knew, because I’m never seeing him again. I don’t need his crap. I have more than enough adults in my life. Mom. Dad. The Thighmaster. Berm. I don’t need to bike to a nursing home to get harassed about my dad not liking me.
I pulled my hand out and said, “I’m just here for the Scrabble tips.” Then I left so fast, I didn’t even look at him. I hope Duke’s face got as glum as he always said mine was.
Thursday, December 2
Just finished the greatest book in the world. Berm gave it to me. Catcher in the Rye. It’s about this teenage guy who’s really smart and doesn’t fit in at school. He goes off on his own one weekend and meets all these phonies and keeps saying goddamn and then goes crazy.
Like the whole time I read it, I went, Yeah, that’s right, so true. He had so many observations that I always think about in the back of my mind. He got put in the nuthouse, but it was like the whole universe was off and he was the only sane one.
I’m not telling Berman how much I liked it. He’ll get all proud of himself for giving it to me.
Saturday, December 4
Totally awesome night! I’m so psyched I can’t sleep. I rescued Gina. I’m going on a date with her. I’m like her hero now maybe. Gina might even be writing about me in her journal right now.
It all started when I was sitting on my bed leafing through my old comic books. That’s how bored I was. Amanda and Mom were both out—not together, of course. So when the phone rang, I picked up. I’m so glad I did.
As soon as I said hello, I heard Gina crying on the other end. She said “Mike,” or more like sobbed it, like a 4-syllable name. Mi-i-i-ike.
I go, “What’s wrong?” and then I just heard her gulping. Every time she tried to talk, she kept crying or gulping. Finally, she got out that she’d had this fight with Hunk, and she’d walked by herself in the dark from his house to Denny’s, and she was calling me from the pay phone, and she didn’t want to tell her parents, and she didn’t know what to do.
So I said, “Wait ri
ght there, I’ll get you.” Like I could drive. Or owned a car. Or knew when Amanda would be home.
After I hung up, I laid on my bed totally blanking out, going, What did I just say? But I couldn’t let Gina down. I felt sorry for her, but also it was my big chance to be Captain Sensitive, especially with Hunk acting like such a jerk.
So I thought, Taxi, and leapt out of bed and started searching for money. I had $16.25 in my wallet. I grabbed the $2 bill and the Susan B. Anthony dollar I was saving too. I didn’t know if that was enough. It’s not like I take taxis every day. Then I remembered all that change in the junk drawer, so while I waited for the cab, I went through the junk and dug up another $4.13.
The taxi driver didn’t say anything on the way there except, “Vas di address?” He had this really thick accent.
Gina looked so sweet in the Denny’s booth, her makeup all smeared under her dark eyes and a big stain on her blouse. I think it was coffee.
I gave her a hug, and she hugged me back, real long. I should have been psyched, I guess, but I kept thinking how the taxi meter was running and I only had $23.38, which was supposed to be for Christmas and Hanukkah gifts. Plus, Gina said, “I couldn’t think who’d be home on a Saturday night besides you.”
Gina gave me the details in the cab. How Hunk got all pissed that she wouldn’t sleep with him, and called her names. She said if she told me the names, she’d burst into tears. What a jerk. How Hunk said he was sick of waiting. And he wasn’t taking her to the Snowball since he’d be the only junior at our school who didn’t get laid after the dance. Then Gina said she and Heather had just bought semiformal dresses today at Charlotte Russe, but it came out Ru-u-u-usse, because she was crying again.
I gave her another hug. Then the cabdriver goes in his accent, “He take you to dance. Let boy take you.”
That bugged. First of all, I’m supposed to be a man, not a boy. Second of all, how’d he know I wasn’t already going? Could he tell I was a loser that fast? Third of all, why didn’t I think of asking her first?
I said, “Sure I’ll take you,” trying to act like I was doing her a huge favor. Like it was nothing, though I could hardly get the words out. Gina goes, “Really?” I nodded, but I guess she didn’t see me. Then I said yes, but my voice cracked, so I said yes again real loud. Then she thanked me, and I said, “My pleasure,” trying to sound macho. But it came out all soft and she said, “What?” And the cabdriver goes, “He say my pleasures.”
I should have tipped him more than $2. But after shelling out the $19.50 fare, I was pretty broke.
After I walked Gina to her door, she kissed me. On the lips. Just a short little nip. Not a big sexy one like in the movies, but it felt excellent.
When I got in, Mom smelled my breath and checked my eyes in the light. It’s like she’s my probation officer now. Who cares anyway, I’m going to the Snowball! With Gina! Awesome!
Sunday, December 5
Dad couldn’t see me tonight. He’s eating brown rice and getting massages at some spa in Palm Springs.
Fine. Because I need to do a lot of planning for the Snowball anyway. First, how are we supposed to get there? Have Mom drive with that isn’t-my-little-boy-cute look the whole way there? We could double-date with Nate and Heather, but what if they’re making out the whole time and we aren’t? Or what if Heather and Gina hang together all night and leave me and Nate in the dust?
Also, what about clothes? My suit’s from the bar mitzvah circuit era. I doubt it still fits. And I have to buy Gina a corsage and dinner probably too. Where can I get the money? I spent what I had on the taxi. Mom will probably fork some over, since she likes Gina so much. Better be nice to Mom the next 13 days.
Oh, man, I just thought of this: What if Hunk finds out I’m taking Gina to the Snowball and beats the crap out of me? Maybe Gina would feel sorry for me and kiss me and I’d be her hero. A hero for getting the crap beaten out of him?
And I just remembered something else. I can’t dance. What am I going to do the next 13 days? I’m already going nuts.
Monday, December 6
Bowled a 184 tonight. Since I still have 26 boring days until I get the TV back and Berm said he’d buy me all the junk food I could cram into my mouth, I joined the team. As soon as their old teammate’s thumb heals, they’ll probably kick me off.
The league is through Berm’s temple. He goes to the big reform one in La Jolla. I always wanted to be in a reform temple. You can get bar mitzvahed without learning much Hebrew. And since a lot of the prayers are in English, you can understand what they’re saying. Cubby Horowitz’s bar mitzvah service at that temple was only 84 minutes long.
When I made the bar mitzvah circuit, I always sat in the back and snuck a word search into the prayer book. If there is a God, and You either saw what I did or You’re reading my journal, I hope You’re not pissed off. Actually, I hope You have better things to do with Your time. Like cure AIDS or something.
I didn’t think you could find enough Jews to bowl. I could understand if it was a Chinese restaurant club or a Jewish lawyers club. Berm said his temple even has a camping club. I bet they all use motor homes.
The other guys on our team are this bald guy Lester and his son Dan. I see where Berman got the hair-ruffling idea. Lester’s always doing it to Dan. Maybe because he has no hair of his own to mess with. I hope I never go bald. Not that having a Brillo pad on your head is so great, but it’s better than nothing. Lester’s always praising Dan. Even when he got a gutter ball tonight, Lester goes, “Nice try.” Dan just looked at me and rolled his eyes. You can tell Lester thinks he’s the greatest father in the world. Having that weekly bonding thing with Dan, and spouting off his barfulous lines about sportsmanship and teamwork and junk. At least Berm just jokes around and bowls and gives high fives every so often. Of course, he’s not my father.
Wednesday, December 8
I can’t believe how popular I am. Things are picking up for this old nerd. When Sydney came by our lunch table, I thought for sure it was to bring up the Rex Incident. I was all set to argue with her. Or beg.
Then she asked me to the Snowball. She stammered it, like I was important. When I told her I already had a date, I think I saw tears in her eyes. Nate’s been calling me Babe Magnet all afternoon.
Wish I could tell Duke about Gina and Sydney. Why did I have to be so jerky to him last time? I bet he’s still mad. I can’t go over there. He’d probably get all his geezer friends to ream me with their canes.
Thursday, December 9
I can’t trust anyone. If I wait long enough, they all screw me. Amanda read my journal, Nate lied, Dad doesn’t care, and now this.
Mom told me to stop messing up the house. That Dr. Vermin had the TV at his condo. After all the time I spent tearing everything apart searching for it. I knew Verm wasn’t the Mr. Nice Guy he pretends to be.
Mom says it was her idea, but so what? Verm went along with it. She didn’t even apologize. She said she knew I’d look all over the house for the TV. Like it’s my fault her boyfriend took it. And what if they broke up? Verm would probably keep the TV and I’d never see it again.
I should go live with Aunt Marsha. She’s probably so lonely it would cheer her up. I couldn’t live with Dad. He wouldn’t want me. I called him to see if he could pick me up early Sunday so we could go suit shopping, and all he said was that it’s not a good plan. He didn’t even ask what I needed the suit for.
On top of everything, I can’t even yell at Mom too much because I need the money for the Snowball. We’re double dating with Nate and Heather. His mom will drive both ways. I hope she doesn’t smoke in the car. Maybe Nate can say something to her.
Mom was bummed when I turned down her offer to drive. Good. I hate her. And I hate her fat, lying boyfriend. And I hate Dad. And Amanda for hogging up all the popularity and looks genes in the family. And Osama bin Laden, of course. And the Chargers for choking all the time. And everyone else in the world. Except Gina. And Sydney. And I guess N
ate’s okay. And possibly Duke.
If I was still talking to Duke, I’d tell him I was right about Vermin being a jerk. And about Gina liking me. Duke had it all wrong. I think he did anyway.
Friday, December 10
Mom gave me $200 for Hanukkah. Excellent! She taped it under a package of new socks. The pathetic thing is that before I saw the money, I wasn’t even fazed that Amanda got a CD player and all I got was socks.
Vermin came over with the TV. Said he didn’t want to be in the middle of everything. He even apologized. Which is cool. Grownup-to-kid apology is a pretty rare thing. Mom put the TV in the garage and said if I sneak it, I’ll lose it for another month.
Verm acts like he likes me. I wonder if he really does, or if he’s just trying to get on Mom’s good side. What if he’s secretly planning to march me off to military school or torture me with his dental equipment?
Sunday, December 12
Dad wants to change our visits to every other week. Says he has a lot of work to do. Probably he’s just tired of making excuses every other week for why he doesn’t want to see me. I bet if Amanda came along, he’d be there every Sunday right on time.
Tonight Dad was even quieter than usual. Like he barely spoke. I knew something was wrong, so I asked how his girlfriend was doing. He goes, “We broke up.” I said I was sorry. Sure I was.
When someone says, We broke up, that always means he got dumped. Otherwise he’d say, I broke up with her. Another one is, It didn’t work out. That also means, I got dumped. Amanda told me that. She also said taking Gina to the Snowball is a violation of Cardinal Rule of Dating #6: Never date someone on the rebound. What does she know?
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