'Well yeah, okay. I'll not take up too much of their time.'
My mum stares at me like I've lost my mind and touches Leo's arm. 'Oh don't be silly, Camille. The blokes will be made up to talk about golf. I bet they're bored to death with the kids.' She smiles up at Leo, completely missing my second death glare of the day.
'Right, thanks, I will. Hey little man,' he says and tickles Trey under the chin. 'Cute grandchild you got there.'
'Oh he's not-' says my mum, but Leo has already moved on.
I run my hands through my hair, tempted to pull some of it out. 'Okay. I'm going back to Beth. We'll be out soon.'
'Well don't be too long, love, people want to celebrate with you.'
'I'll be as long as I'm going to be.'
Mum rolls her eyes. 'It's just like when I used to ask you how long you would be in the bathroom cos I was desperate for a pee. Right, get on with it. I'll occupy Trey and re-live feeling Leo's arm.'
Beth
While Camille goes to sort out Trey and make tea, I sit feeling useless.
My son is outside and I'm in here. The fact is I don't want him in here because I'm crying and a mess. I need to get myself under control before I see my beautiful son. Plus, I don't want to go out there because his father is there.
Neither do I really want Camille to come back because she'll want answers to questions I'm not ready to face.
Maybe it's best if I quickly grab Trey, tell everyone I'm not feeling well and leave?
But I don't. I sit there as if frozen to the spot until Camille returns.
She enters her office and puts my cup of tea in front of me.
'I suppose you deserve an explanation.'
She strokes my shoulder and then sits back down. 'I'd like to know what's been going on in your life, but Beth, if it's too painful, you don't have to tell me. I’m sure you had your reasons for keeping your son's father a secret.'
'I need to tell someone.' I take a sip of sweet tea. 'The thing is, I've never known whether I made the right decision. Maybe talking about it will help.' So I begin.
Manchester 2012
As with many other Uni students before me, life became as much about the drinking and parties outside Uni hours as it did about the study. Hannah and Lucy, my house share friends, had lined up a night at Discord, an intimate nightclub apparently frequented by celebrities. If you counted actors from the small soap opera celebs that is.
Hannah had us in the VIP section within the hour. Tall and blonde, she'd caught the attention of a footballer. Lucy homed in on his friend. I nursed a vodka and coke and wondered if I'd lost my friends for the night.
Then he came over.
'Mind if I sit here?' He indicated the seat to my left.
'There's no-one sitting there,' I informed him.
'Yes, but I asked if you minded if I sat there?' His lip turned up at the corner, showing his amusement.
I put my drink on the table. 'Well, I'm not sure how to answer. What if I say I don't mind and you sit there, and then I find you annoying? Will you move?'
The amusement reaches his eyes and they almost twinkle. Fucking hell, he's hot. He can sit in my lap, never mind the seat beside me.
'You only have to say the word and I'll move.'
'Okay. The word will be bored.'
He takes the seat. From his manner, something tells me he's as awkward here as I am. Call it an inner instinct, which tells me he's not a player like those my friends are with, who I'm sure do this every week.
'So how did you end up in the VIP section?' I ask him.
'I play golf. Quite well.'
'Oh.'
'What about you?'
'Me? I'm a soap actress. Recently, I won the most attractive female award. I can't act but they don't care.'
'Oh.' He scratches his top lip.
'Joking.' I hold out a hand. 'I'm Beth and I'm a business student at Manchester University.'
He takes it. I swear electric currents jump between our hands.
'Leo Coleman. Thank goodness you're not an actress.'
'Why?'
'I don't court celebrity life. It's too fake.'
'So why are you in the VIP section of a club?'
'My agent made me.' Leo points to a bloke in the distance. 'He likes this scene.'
'Sad.'
'I think so. So how are you in the VIP section?'
I point to my friends who are now engaged in tonsil tennis with the footballers.
'Shall we go somewhere else?' he asks me.
I snigger. 'Like where? It's half-past one in the morning.'
'We could go for a walk. Buy some chips from a van or something.'
I stare at him, looking him over. 'How do I know you aren't a serial killer?'
'You don't. So what do you say? Are you willing to take the risk?'
I take a risk, and later, in his hotel room, I take another.
My studies slide. The only study I'm interested in is the anatomy of Leo. When he's not playing golf, we meet up. I travel to him or he comes to me. Comes in me. We come together.
Stolen moments.
Sex, sex and more sex.
Studies slide further.
Then sickness.
Sickness that occurs a couple of times a day and can no longer be attributed to a virus.
I piss on a stick.
Positive. The lines say so.
Pregnant.
Protection? Oh, we used it. Mostly. Sometimes our need for each other was so great it wasn't given a thought.
Now it was all I could think about.
'Oh, Beth. It sounded so good. Did you tell him?'
'I was going to. I went to tell him.' Trembling, I wrap my arms around myself tighter and carry on my story.
A hotel room door opens.
A man looks at my face.
'You're pregnant, aren't you?'
‘Can you tell by looking at me? Does it show?’ I panic and look at my stomach.
'It's written all over your face. Like a pathetic panic.'
I take a step back.
'Fucking hell. Come in, for God's sake.'
I stand and pause. Wary.
'Come on. We need to talk. Get this sorted out. I'm not going to hurt you.'
It was a lie, but he didn't hurt me with physical violence, just words.
Joe. Leo's agent and best friend. The man paid to deal with media issues, stalkers and Leo's career. The career I now threatened with pregnancy.
'You stupid bitch. Did you do this on purpose?'
'No.'
'Sure? He's doing pretty bloody nicely for himself. Could give you a comfortable life. Of course, he'll resent you for every second of it.'
'What?'
'If you love him, you'll let him go, or get rid of it and disappear. There's much more coming up for him.'
'I'm not asking him to give it up.'
'But he will. He'll feel forced to stay with you and the kid because that's who he is. He's a bloody nice guy. Even if you were a quick lay, he'd stay. Give up a fucking glorious future. A hook-up that will gut him like a fish.'
He walks to a drawer.
'How much to leave and never come back?'
There's a sound at the door. A card being inserted into the lock. Leo comes in.
'Everything okay?'
I nod. Joe nods.
'I was just telling Beth a few factoids about you while she waited.'
'Nothing to put her off me I hope?' He laughs.
'Course not. Anyway, we need to celebrate tonight because you, my friend,' he pats Leo on the back, 'have landed another major tournament.'
'Whoop. Sounds like an excuse for a beer. Let me get changed and we'll go.'
It’s the last night I see Leo. I spend as much of the evening as possible staring at him, trying to memorise his features. He talks non-stop about the tour. Golf is his life. I take a selfie of us on my phone. I let him make love to me. Then he goes away to work and I disappear off the face of the earth.
/> I take a deep breath.
'So I made my decision. Joe was right. Leo was enjoying his career. He had opportunities to travel abroad. Sponsorship deals. A kid would have held him back. What if he decided to give everything up? The man was a born romantic. He would have done it. I couldn't risk that. Couldn't risk him giving up an amazing career to stick with a woman who had no prospects and a kid. So I didn't tell him.'
'But Beth. He had money. You could have been provided for. I'm sure you could have worked things out.'
'I didn't want his money.'
Camille takes one look at my face and stops this line of questioning. She knows me and my pride. I don't need anything from anyone else. Trey has had a brilliant childhood, and that's my intention for his life ahead.
'I blocked Leo out of my life. Turned the TV over if he came on. Didn't read newspaper articles. Stopped following golf. I had no idea what happened in his career until I saw the picture of him in the local paper saying he was giving golf lessons. Somewhere along the way he went from pro-golfer to trainer and I don't know what happened there. Now I'm wondering if I made the right choice for Trey, or whether his father has been available all along.' I bite my top lip.
'So you don't know anything about Leo's career since you left Manchester?'
'No.'
Camille boots up her computer. 'Time to research Leo Coleman.'
And this is where I find out that two years ago, Leo was involved in a road traffic accident that gave him an injury that would take him out of competitive sport. Had he known about Trey, he could have been around for most of his life after all.
'I have to tell him.' I gather my confidence with a deep breath, stand up and walk towards the door.
‘Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?’ Cam’s voice comes from behind me.
I turn and nod my head at her. ‘It’s the right thing to do.’
I walk outside and take Trey from Dora. His face lights up as he shouts, 'Mummy'. I swing him onto my hip and stride towards Leo.
Leo's chatting away with another bloke. I tap him on the shoulder.
'Ha ha, here's another one.' The bloke points to me. 'Jeez, you women don't leave the guy alone.'
So Leo turns around, a look of resignation on his face until his gaze meets mine.
Then his jaw slackens and his eyes widen. 'Beth?' he says.
Then he looks at Trey and smiles at him.
Trey shouts, ‘Mummy, I shy,’ and hides his face in my neck, before peeking back out and smiling at Leo. A crease forms on Leo's forehead.
'Well hello again, little man.' A pause. 'How old are you?' he asks.
'I'm free.' Trey holds up three fingers.
Leo’s expression changes to an angry scowl. 'Wow. Three. That's a really interesting age. Wouldn't you say so, Mummy?'
I realise that Trey is probably the only thing stopping me from being verbally attacked right now.
My voice shakes. 'We need to talk.'
He sneers. 'You don't say.'
'Not here. Hang on.' I retrieve a business card from my pocket and pass it to Leo. 'Call me later. Trey goes to bed around seven.'
His eyes narrow. 'Oh, I'll call you all right. Or maybe my Solicitor will.'
An icy chill weaves its way up my spine. Please God no. Don't let him want to take my child from me. I would die. Fuck, I can't do this right now. I turn to walk away.
'Beth.'
I turn back where I see his demeanour has changed. He now looks broken. Confused.
'I looked for you. Wondered why you left me like you did. I thought we had something. Now, I don't know what to think.'
'So don't. Come over later and find out the facts.'
He nods. Then moves closer and strokes Trey's hair.
'Ged off me. No hair.'
Leo jumps back. 'Sorry, mate.'
'He doesn't like his hair messing with. He's scared you're going to try to brush it.'
'I've so much to learn,' he says quietly.
With a nod, I walk away. I say goodbye to Camille and her family on my way out, and instead of getting the bus home, I frivolously flag down a taxi. I need to be behind the safe walls of my house for a few hours, cuddling my son, because I need time to think.
Chapter Five
Leo
As fast as she re-appears in my life, she’s gone. My only connection with her is the business card in my hand. I make my excuses to the guy I’ve been talking to and restlessly shake his hand. My mind has already left him and my body wants to follow. Then I make my way towards Dora. She invited me here. Was she aware of this? Was this some kind of fucked-up set-up? On my way over, I accidentally crash into a chair, knocking it over. I apologise to the family seated there. As I continue on my way, Dora’s daughter, the owner of the play centre, eyes me warily. Well, she certainly knows. She stalks towards me, intercepts me.
‘You need to be gentle with Beth. She’s not had it easy.’
I snigger. Is she for real? My laugh isn’t quiet, so her parents turn around. They turn back to each other. I observe their mouths moving. Words. Wondering what’s happening.
I undo the first button on my shirt, feeling like I’m being strangled. Perhaps I need air? ‘I find out I have a son. I’ve missed out on three years of his life and you say she’s not had it easy.’
‘She had her reasons. Just give her time to explain. That’s all I’m asking.’
‘Well, thanks for your concern for your lying, dishonest friend. I’m seeing her later. We’ll discover what those reasons were. If I don’t like what I hear, I’ll be using my solicitor.’
Dora comes and stands alongside her daughter. She places an arm on her daughter’s shoulder. ‘What’s going on, Cam? Who needs a solicitor?’
‘Mum. It’s complicated. Leo is Trey’s father.’
‘Yeah, I worked that one out when I saw Beth go whiter than my legs are in December.’ She crosses her arms and fixes me with a stare. ‘Beth’s like a niece to me. She’s raised your son magnificently. Now yes, she’s not told you about your son for whatever reason, but it must be a good one because she’s an amazing woman. I hear you threaten her with a solicitor again and I’ll swing one of your own golf clubs at your kneecaps. Do you understand me?’
I step back in shock. The lovely woman who got me to come here has been replaced by a Rottweiler. I swear there’s foam in her mouth.
‘Dora.’ The woman’s husband comes over. ‘It's for Beth and Leo to sort out. It’s not our business.’ He grabs hold of her arm.
She shakes him off. ‘I’ll make it my business if he tries to take that little boy away from her, or threatens to.’
I put my hands up. ‘Hey, I just found out I’m a father. Like ten minutes ago. I’m in shock, lady. I didn’t realise there was a book on how I should act.’
‘There probably is, and if I know Dora, you’ll receive a copy by tomorrow.’ Her husband sighs. He offers his hand. ‘I’m Tim. Take a seat. We’ll clear the centre out as the party’s definitely over now.’ He turns to his wife. ‘Behave yourself while I help, Cam.’
She nods, but when she turns to me, it’s with a face that would scare Chucky.
‘I’ll be watching you closely,’ is all she whispers. I’m six foot two and she unnerves me.
The play centre empties until all who are left are the centre staff and Camille’s family. I’m introduced to Tyler and his girlfriend. I’m sure they’re a lovely family but my head’s all over the place and I want to leave. It would appear, however, that this isn’t an option for me right now.
Camille puts a cup of tea in front of me and takes a chair. ‘Okay, you’ve had a huge shock. Drink your tea and here, swipe through my phone. There are quite a few pictures of your son on there.’
And there are.
I pause on each picture, looking at his eyes, his smile, his hair, his bone structure. Trying to soak every pixel from the image into my consciousness. I recognise my father’s features in him, my own lips and chin, my eyes. He is d
ivine. A gift from God. No matter how angry and confused I am with his mother right now, I can’t regret this child being born for a single second.
After a while, I reluctantly give up the phone. ‘Thank you. Well, I’d better be going now. I need time to get my head around things before I meet Beth.’
Camille nods. ‘Your mind must be spinning.’
‘I’m expecting to wake up any minute.’
‘It will take time to sort things out. Remember that little boy is at the heart of it. He has to come first.’
She doesn’t need to tell me that. I love him already and I’ve only met him once.
At home, I sit on the sofa in the vast house I live in alone. I try to imagine laughter emanating from a young child running around. Was his labour straightforward? God, I don’t even know my son’s birthday. Or what he weighed. Nor when he got his first tooth or when he first walked. I place my head in my hands. Beth has robbed me of so many firsts I can never get back. How will I ever forgive her? No matter what her intentions were, I just don’t know. It becomes too much. My body trembles and I can’t stop it. I swing my body so I’m lying on the sofa and cry like a fucking baby.
I jump when I receive a text notification and sit upright in a panic. My breath becomes rapid and my heart beats faster as I remember I have a son and need to see his mother. The text reveals a time and an address.
I have nothing for him. Should I take a gift to the house for him? I can’t go empty-handed. What would he like? I search a local sports store on my tablet and find the perfect gift, then head straight to a store I find stays open until late on a Saturday.
Then I’m on my way. On a journey to seek answers.
Beth opens the door. Her face is pale. Her eyes puffy and tear-stained. ‘Come in.’
‘Thank you.’
It’s all very polite.
I follow her through the small hallway and into the lounge. It's immaculate and smells of polish. She must have been cleaning since she left Kid Zone. Maybe trying to prove to me that she has brought our son up in a nurturing and safe environment. She forgets I know her. I might not have been with her for long but I know the love Beth can give out. Our son will have been treasured.
Balls Fore (Ball Games #4) Page 3
