by Mary Smith
“Mr. Long, these are the possessions she had on her.” The police detective handed me a small brown bag. “There was no purse. Just a small clutch.”
I nod. “We were at a party. Woman don’t carry purses to parties.”
“Right. Well.” He seems to be uncomfortable. “Her car is in impound. You just need to sign here.” He points at the bottom of the paper. “And then you can pick it up. But I’d recommend you have it towed somewhere.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s a lot of damage to the car. On the inside.”
He’s talking about my wife’s blood and... whatever else came from the shot to her temple.
“You’ll probably have to have the driver’s seat replaced—”
“Just get rid of the car.” I jump from my seat and leave the New Hampshire State Police station. I can’t be here for another moment.
I jump in my car and drive. I drive to nowhere. I’m not going back to the house where the girls are because I don’t have answers for them. Even though they’re not asking any questions. I don’t want to be there.
I don’t want to be anywhere.
I pull into a fast food parking lot and cry. I cry hard for the loss of my wife. What could have I done? What did I do?
I pick up the bag the detective gave me and open it. Her white clutch is the first item I pick up. Her phone is in there with a dead battery, a tube of light red lipstick, some cash and nothing else. I look back in the bag and there is an envelope in there. I pick it up and see my name on the front.
“Taddy”
It’s been years since she called me by the nickname she created. No one ever called me Taddy but her.
I know what I’m holding, but I’m not sure my heart can take this. What were her last words? What was she thinking? Why wasn’t I here for her?
“Daddy, why are you in here?”
I look up to see Janan standing over me. I must have fallen asleep because the room is completely dark.
“Are you okay?” She bends down to me. “Did you have another attack?”
“No.” I shake my head sitting up. I move slowly because my body is aching from the twisted position I’m in on the floor. “I just fell asleep.”
“Why are you in here?”
“I was thinking.” I stand up and move toward the door.
“In here? This is where you come to think.” She turns up her nose. “This would be the last room I’d come to.”
“Not now, Janan.” I pass her shaking my head.
“I’m just saying.” She follows me into the kitchen.
“Where’s Nova?”
“Up in her room.” She opens the fridge and shuts it. When I turn around I see what she’s done.
“Have you lost your mind?” My daughter had put a bottle of water on the kitchen table.
“What?” She rolls her eyes.
“You know what, Janan Michelle.”
“Fine.” She picks up the bottle. “We wouldn’t want Mom’s ghost to come back since the bitch is gone.”
“Stop it!” I yell. “Stop pushing my fucking buttons.”
Janan hangs her head. “I’m not. But who cares now if I put a bottle on the table? Is the Earth going to tip on its axis and fall into space? Is the sky going to fall? What? What is going to happen?” She raises her head, and the anger is clear as she storms past me. “What’s going to happen if we eat off colored plates?” She rips the cabinet door open and grabs a plate. “Will we die? Will a nuclear war ensue? What will happen?”
With all her might she throws the plate to the floor. It shatters into several pieces. Then she grabs another one and then another one, until there are no more left. Janan moves onto the mugs and continues to smash them all to pieces. Large tears are streaming down her face and she’s yelling, “What will happen?” with each item.
Nova appears by my side and goes to Janan, but I pull her back. I’m going to let my daughter finish. She needs this. I can tell.
“I hate her. I hate her. She’s my mother, and I hate her.” Janan is sobbing as she continues through all the cabinets until there’s nothing left. She faces me and around her is the destruction of her fury. The tears have completely drowned her cheeks, and she is having a hard time catching her breath. “Daddy.”
My little girl grabs the kitchen island and through the broken plates and glassware I grab her up in my arms.
“She hated us. Why? Why?” She bawls into my chest. Her body is shaking like a leaf.
The worst part of it all. I have no answer for her.
I SET THE timer for ten minutes and rush through my shower. It took Nova, Janan and I a long time to clean the kitchen, but together we did it. Janan didn’t say much more before she headed off to bed.
Since leaving the PHL as a player I don’t work out like I used to. These past few months, I’ve hardly done anything. Today, I’m going to try to get back into a routine. With not coaching right now, I’m all thrown off. Hell, I barely know what day of the week it is.
I drive to the arena and go to the workout room. The team isn’t going to be here until later today, and it gives me some time to be alone with my thoughts. I’m not a very technical person and not hip, which Nova makes fun of me saying, to the new apps. However, thanks to Janan I know what app to use for a workout.
I turn the treadmill on low and place the ear buds in my ears and begin a slow run. I try to listen to the music in my ear, but my thoughts travel…
“Sharon, I’m heading out for a run,” I say passing by our bedroom.
“Why?”
“Why, what?” I go back into the bedroom and see she’s putting away some laundry.
“Why are you going running? There’s no need to since you’re not a player anymore. Who are you staying in shape for?”
“No one. Well, for me mainly. Just because I’m an assistant coach doesn’t mean I can’t be healthy and in shape.” I’m not sure why I have to justify this to her.
“Do whatever you want. It’s not like you could stay here and help me this morning with those bratty ass kids.”
“Stop calling them brats, Sharon. They’re good girls.”
“You’re not here enough to know how they act or don’t act. Are you? No you’re not.”
I shake my head. She’s in a mood, and I know today isn’t a good day to go running. I’ll just head downstairs to the playroom and keep the girls occupied for a few hours before I have to work. I don’t say anything to her and hope the surprise will put her into a better mood.
As I approach the stairs there’s a hard shove on my back and I tumble head first down our stairs. There’s a searing pain in my leg and look down to see it’s twisted.
In the opposite direction.
I try my best not to cry out but the pain is making my vision blurry. I’m seeing stars. I look up at the top of the stairs and Sharon, with her evil glare, slowly walks down the steps. When she reaches the one just above me, I watch her kneel down to me.
“Guess you aren’t going running.”
I slap my hand on the emergency stop button and take several deep breaths. I can’t have an attack here. I won’t let myself do it. I need to stop thinking about the past.
Simple and easy.
No, it’s not.
I need to talk to Caryn. I have to lay it all out on the line and tell her what’s happened in my marriage. I can’t come back to work. Hell, I can’t even workout while having these attacks.
I want my life back. I want to get back to work. I want my girls happy. Nothing is going right.
I give up on working out. There’s no point to it. I didn’t even make it a half mile. I’m not even sweating. I jump off the machine and go straight to my car. I don’t want to be around anyone, but I want coffee.
The Latte Bean is not real busy, but I have to wait for my coffee. I search for somewhere to sit when I see Janan and Hamilton sitting near the back. They’re talking softly and Janan looks confused.
“Daddy?” Janan
seems surprised to see me.
“Coach, have you been working out?” Hamilton inspects my outfit of sweats and suddenly seems nervous as well.
“I tried.” I shrug. “Why aren’t you in class?” I ask my daughter.
“It was canceled. I popped over here to grab a cappuccino and I saw Hamilton. We’ve been chatting.”
“Have a seat Coach?” Hamilton moves over to the other chair and I sit next to him.
“What were you two talking about?” I can feel as if something is up between them.
“Talking about me seeing the therapist.” Janan confesses and suddenly I feel bad. I must have been wrong.
“Oh.”
“I told her she should. I think it’s a good thing for Nova as well.” Hamilton chimes in with his opinion.
“I agree. I’m going tomorrow so I’ll set up some appointments.” I can feel as if Hamilton wants to ask a question, but he stops. “Go ahead.”
“Coach, you’re like family to me. I just wanted to ask if it’s helping.” The earnestness is in his voice. I know he’s been there for the girls, and me, a lot this past year.
“It would help more, if I didn’t walk out on a session.”
“Why, Daddy?” Janan gasps.
“I don’t know. I was pissed off I guess,” I tell her honestly.
“I’m sure talking about your feelings sucks, but it’s important, Coach,” Hamilton says.
I only nod because he’s right, but I’m not wanting to tell him verbally. “I’m going to get some new plates and such.” I glance to Janan.
“I’m not going to apologize for breaking everything, but I am sorry I yelled at you.”
My daughter is strong-willed and I love it. She’s really going to change the world.
“I’ll see you at home.” I kiss her cheek and shake Hamilton’s hand. When I was walking away, I swear I heard her say, “That was close.”
Maybe she didn’t say it. I can’t be sure about anything right now in my life.
When I got in my car I just started driving. I never made it to the store to get new dishes. Instead, I went to the park and sat in my car. Why? No idea.
The snow is still stuck to the ground but slowly melting away. However, if I know anything about March, it still could snow a lot more before spring officially starts.
There are some people running the track, but I don’t study them. I’m holding the envelope. I should rip it up, right? There’s no reason to keep it.
But it’s from her, and it’s her last words to me.
I remember when she told me she wanted to host a party…
The four of us were sitting around the kitchen table.
“Really? You want to throw a party for the Bears?” I can’t believe my ears. She’s never hosted a party for the team. Yes, she helps out the other wives but hasn’t for a very, very long time.
“Do you think I can’t do it, you dumb fuck?”
“I think you’ll be an excellent host. It’s been a while since you’ve wanted to do something for the whole team.” I rush out the words before she becomes upset.
“You just tell your stupid team to be there, and it’ll be a party to remember.”
It was…
I MAKE IT home before the girls do and I lock myself in the bedroom. I sent them both texts telling them I didn’t feel well and I needed to rest. I didn’t even answer the door when Nova knocked to bring me some soup.
Now, the sun has risen and soon it’ll be time for my appointment with Caryn. I set the timer for the allotted ten minutes and got ready. I hurry along and then go out to my closet. Well, it’s a shared closet with Sharon, but she has the majority of it. All I have is several suits, a few pants, sweaters, and my dress shirts. There is a variety of ties, but Sharon would only allow primary solid colors.
I glance at her side of the closet. All the items are grouped in color and it has a rainbow effect in descending order. All two inches apart from each other. Sharon had always liked order, but when she drank heavily it was worse. Everything had a timer of ten minutes, especially meals and showers. None of us took baths because it took too long. We never watched TV because she didn’t like the background noise. The girls would wear headphones when listening to their music. All the closets were arranged to her specifications. She hated color dishes, live flowers, anything hanging on the walls or decorative items. All the walls in the house are white and there’s no carpet anywhere. It’s all hardwood flooring.
“Daddy?” Janan knocks on my door. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” And there it is… I slip the sweater on, saying it loud enough for her to hear on the other side.
“Nova made breakfast.”
“I’ll be down in a moment.” I finish up and head down to the girls where Nova has made pancakes. “Looks great, Nova, as always.”
She smiles plating two large pancakes on paper plates, handing them to me. I try not to dwell on the fact they’re not our normal clear glass plates, but I’ve not purchased any, yet.
“Thanks, Uncle Tad.” She kisses my cheek. “How are you feeling? I brought some soup up but you must have been asleep.”
“I’m fine.” And there it is… again.
Janan glares at me but shakes her head and goes back to eating breakfast. “Are you making Nova and my appointment today?”
“Yes. I know your school schedule, and I’ll be able to get something during your free time.” I cut into the pancake and rush through the delicious doughy goodness.
“Daddy, you don’t have to inhale the food anymore,” Janan says.
“You can take your time,” Nova adds on.
“I’m fine.”
Janan rolls her eyes but doesn’t say anything to me, neither does Nova.
We continue to eat our meal and I make sure to finish mine in under ten minutes and clean my area. I tell the girls I’ll see them later and head out to my appointment.
Caryn greets me with a smile. “Nice to see you again, Taden.”
“Same,” I simply say and take my place on the couch. I’m nervous because I don’t know if she’s going to pick up where we left off. I’m not sure if I can handle it. “My girls would like for me to make an appointment for them.”
She sits in her chair and nods with a small smile. “My secretary will be glad to set those up for you.”
I nod.
“How old is your daughter and niece?”
“Janan, my daughter just turned nineteen in December. Nova, my niece will be nineteen in August.”
“And they go to college here in Manchester?”
“Yes. Janan is studying political science and Nova is studying business.”
“Tell me about Janan.”
I smile thinking of my beautiful daughter. “She’s very independent and strong-willed. The past couple years she really can fly off at the mouth, but she’s opinionated and believes in her stances passionately.”
“How did Sharon like that?”
“She didn’t at all.” I take a deep breath and brace myself for more questions about my wife.
“What about Nova? Is she like Janan?”
“Oh no. Nova is timid, much quieter. She loves to cook and that’s where she really shines the most. She wants to open her own bakery someday or even a restaurant.”
“Was Sharon harder on one girl than the other?”
“No. She made them both strive for perfection.”
Perfection…
“I’m not sure why you can’t understand this simple question?” Sharon slaps her hand on the kitchen table. “You’re not dumb, but you sure as fuck are lazy.” She whacks Janan in the back of her head.
Janan’s tears fall from her eyes, but she doesn’t say anything.
“Sharon, maybe she doesn’t understand.” I try to reason with her, but my voice sounds so small.
“My daughter isn’t going to be some stupid hockey fucking idiot like you.” She glares at me. “You’re the dumbest person I know and Janan won’t be like you.
”
I’m not a bad person is what I want to say, but I remain quiet.
“I can already see there’s no hope for Nova, but that’s your side of the family.” Sharon keeps ranting and I notice Nova isn’t around.
I stand and leave the kitchen to find Nova. I want to make sure she’s okay since I’ve not seen her all day. I check her room first and quickly find her in the corner reading a book.
“Hey, Nova.” I sit next to her. “What are you reading?”
“Ramona Quimby.” She holds up the book to show me. Nova is so much smaller than Janan and I touch the small bruise along her jaw. “I didn’t answer her right away,” she explained to me.
“I’m sorry.”
Nova looks confused. “You don’t need to say sorry. You didn’t do it.”
I want to explain to her how I should have been here for them. I wish I was man enough to help them more.
“Do you want them to have perfection?”
“I want them happy, to reach their goals and find someone who will love them. Especially find someone who will respect them.”
“Taden.” Caryn pauses and I see the wheels turning around in her head as she gets ready to ask me a question. “Did you ever leave Sharon? Or try to leave?”
A lump suddenly appears inside my throat. It’s painful thinking of the night. “Once,” I manage to say.
“What happened?”
“She went to rehab.”
It seems like yesterday…
“Stop, Sharon. Just fucking stop.” Another hit lands on my jaw. She’s lost her mind. She’s finally gone crazy. “I won’t subject our girls to your craziness anymore!” I yell at her. Yes, I raised my voice to her because she needs to understand what’s happening.
“You will never leave me. You are my husband.” Her voice is fiercer than mine ever has been.
“We have to go. You won’t get help. You won’t stop drinking. We can’t take this abuse anymore.” I run from the living room and go to the girls’ room. Janan and Nova are on their beds crying. “Come on, girls.” I grab both of their hands and we head down the hallway.
