by Tara Rose
Travis and Adam had each loved Lissa in different ways, but her death had affected them both. And the way they were reacting now, on the anniversary of it, and in response to a patient who had been badly hurt similar to the way Lissa had died, was just as unique. But both reactions were borne from grief. Both had caused the men to do and say things they normally wouldn’t.
Intellectually, she knew that. But on a personal note, Travis was also right about one additional point. What Adam had done was selfish and hypocritical. He’d talked to them just yesterday about trust and its importance, and this morning he’d violated that trust with both of them.
But Travis had pushed her away as well. He was grieving for Lissa’s loss and Adam’s betrayal, and in response he’d pushed her away. Why had he done that? It wasn’t because he no longer cared for her. She knew that. It went deeper.
Then again, she was the one currently ignoring his calls and text message. She was being just as stubborn. But she was also confused. She didn’t know what was right and what was wrong. She only knew that her entire body ached right now, and it wasn’t from a physical source.
She finally crawled into bed and went over everything he’d said to her this evening and while they’d still been at the hospital before Luke drove them home. He’d talked about her trying so hard to follow Adam’s protocols to the letter. Did that bother him? She thought they’d agreed that if she did that for him, she was really doing it for both of them. Was Travis secretly resentful of that and had never said so until now?
Or was it really as simple as him being angry with Adam for walking out this morning and leaving them without a way home, or news of his whereabouts? No. Travis wasn’t a child. This was far more complicated than that. He’d been upset with her that she hadn’t reacted toward Adam with the same amount of anger. That meant he’d expected her to. It meant he’d interpreted her calm concern as her caring more for Adam’s pain than his.
And he’d actually said that, though not in those exact words. He’d asked the question, and she’d missed the deeper meaning at the time. “Have you no room in your heart at all for me right now?” She understood now what Travis had really meant by that question. He thought she was more concerned for Adam than for him, and that she couldn’t see how much pain he was in as well.
She might not be able to completely understand what it meant to serve in combat or as a physician in a war-torn country, but she did grasp what it meant to work side-by-side with someone in a tense situation. She did that every day. Travis’s reactions today stemmed from his grief as much as something else—jealousy. She saw that now. And he’d said it himself not too long ago.
“It’s always going to be this way, you know. We’re going to be jealous of each other even when we try not to be.” Those had been his words, but she’d missed the connection today. He thought she cared more for Adam than she did for him, and that’s why she’d been so focused on his pain and his whereabouts, and not on Travis.
How on earth could they possibly overcome this? Would it ever change? Would the sting of jealousy ever lessen? And what if it didn’t? What if each time one of them did something like this, the other reacted this way instead of trying to bring the three back together toward their common purpose? How could they talk about living in the same house together with this hanging over their heads? It was lunacy.
Loreen had no tears left. She curled up on her side and tried to sleep, but kept waking up from horrible dreams in which homes and cars exploded and the patients she was forced to care for in the ER were Adam and Travis, not strangers.
When she finally got out of bed, took a shower, and drank an entire pot of coffee, she checked her phone. No new messages or texts. Adam’s phone still went to voice mail, and now Travis’s did as well. She drove herself to work because she had no idea if Travis intended to take her, and she wasn’t gong to wait around to find out.
When she arrived, she went into Karen’s office and asked for more time off. “I know I just had vacation, but…but I have some personal issues to work through.”
“Close the door.”
Loreen did, then sat to face Karen.
“I can’t give it to you. I wish I could. I have two nurses out this week on vacation and Charlene called last night. She broke her ankle and has no clue how long she’ll be out.”
“Oh shit. I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah. I’m not happy either. Not a month goes by when she doesn’t have some sort of crisis.” Karen waved a hand in the air. “But that’s not right for me to say to you. Loreen, I wish I could give you time off, but I can’t. In fact, I was hoping you could pick up more extra three to eleven shifts on the weekends like you used to. We could really use the help right now.”
Loreen hadn’t been doing that since she, Adam, and Travis had become a triad. “Um, I’m not sure I can do that either.” She had no choice. She had to tell Karen that she was dating both Adam and Travis. But would doing so out them? She had to do it in a way that didn’t reveal they were Doms. “I’m sort of dating them both. Adam and Travis.”
Karen raised her brows but said nothing.
“Actually, it’s not sort of. I am seeing them both. I’ve been spending all my free time with…with each of them, and I’d rather not pick up extra shifts because it takes away from the time I have to do that.”
“Well, okay. That makes sense. Those shifts were overtime for you and I can’t force you to work it. I’m happy you and Adam are seeing each other. Neither of you have dated since Pete or Lissa were killed.”
“No, we haven’t.”
“And Travis has been different lately. Less flirtatious. I had a feeling something was going on, but wasn’t sure what. Thanks for telling me, but you know you didn’t have to. As long as your personal life doesn’t interfere with your working one, it’s none of my business.”
“I know. And thanks. But now that you know, is there any way I can have just two days off? I want to go to Wisconsin.”
“What’s in Wisconsin?”
“I think that’s where Adam went yesterday when he left so abruptly. Lissa’s family lives there.”
Now Karen looked totally confused. “What? Well if he did, he came back pretty quickly.”
Loreen gripped the edge of the chair as her stomach contracted in fear and her mouth went bone dry. “What do you mean?”
“He’s been here since four. He and Travis both came in shortly after I did. I thought you knew. There was a bad crash out on US 231 and all three of us were called in.”
The room started to spin so she gripped the chair arm tighter. “How were they called in?”
“By cell phone of course. The same as always.”
Chapter Eighteen
Loreen managed to leave Karen’s office without passing out, but she had to take a long break in the bathroom until all the tears were spent and she stopped shaking long enough to return to the unit. As soon as she got Karen alone again, she told her she’d changed her mind, and to go ahead and schedule her that weekend on three to eleven.
Karen brought up the schedule on the computer and told her if she worked Friday and Saturday it would have to be double shifts, because she had no one to take her day shifts. Loreen agreed to do that, but Karen insisted on giving her Sunday and Monday off. “You were scheduled off Monday anyway, and you’ll need two days off after that. Both nurses on vacation are coming back Sunday so I can give you that day off without making us too short-staffed.”
Loreen said that would be fine. It would be good to go back to working all the time. She had nothing else to do once again. Both men had answered calls to come into work but hadn’t bothered talking to her. She still couldn’t wrap her mind around that.
Even reminding herself that Travis had called and texted her last night didn’t help. He hadn’t texted her this morning to let her know he had to work and couldn’t drive her in. And that was after he’d lectured her last night on not being more upset with Adam for stranding them both at wor
k yesterday afternoon.
And Adam hadn’t answered any of her calls or text messages, and he wasn’t in Wisconsin. For all she knew, he never had been. Travis had been right. Or had Travis known where Adam was and hadn’t told her? That seemed the more likely explanation.
They’d both acted like shitheads to her. But why? She hadn’t done anything. And did the reason matter? They’d made it perfectly clear how they felt. She had to accept that and move on. But as morning turned into afternoon, she found it difficult to keep going. The physical tiredness was nothing compared to the emotional anguish. She vacillated between anger, pain, and resignation, only to start the cycle all over again each hour.
She didn’t see either man in the ER all day, and assumed they’d either gone home early or were in clinic hours. It would be easy to walk over to the clinic and see if they were there for herself, but she didn’t. That would look too desperate. When her shift ended, she drove home, but sitting in the empty condo was far too depressing.
She took a shower and drove past both their condos, looking for some sign they were home, but she couldn’t tell. She almost texted each one several times, but couldn’t think of anything to say. Sounding casual would make it seem like she’d given them permission to ignore her this morning. Texting them with angry words wouldn’t solve anything either, because she wasn’t going to argue with them about this on a phone.
She finally pulled into the driveway of Adam’s condo and sat in her car until her limbs stopped trembling. If this was over, the best thing she could do was simply confront it and get everything out in the open. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. Just pull it once and get it over with quickly.
She rang the bell about ten times. If he was in there, he couldn’t hear it, or he was ignoring her on purpose. Loreen drove over to Travis’s condo and did the same thing. She had keys to both but had decided not to barge in. It didn’t seem right after everything that had happened. She no longer felt like part of their lives, and that killed her inside.
She finally went to bed because she kept falling asleep while she tried to watch TV. She also turned off her phone. If she didn’t get some serious sleep, she wouldn’t be able to function in the morning, and that wouldn’t be fair to her patients or co-workers.
* * * *
Loreen woke late, showered quickly and ate breakfast on the run. She was halfway through her shift before she finally remembered that she’d never checked her phone this morning. She ducked into the nurses’ lounge and let out a cry of frustration when she realized Travis had texted her three times last night. The first one had been sent about a half hour after she’d gone to bed.
Sorry I didn’t call or text you this morning to let you know I’d been called into work. I should have. Adam and I just got home. It’s been a very long day and we haven’t had a chance to talk yet about yesterday. I hope all is well.
Are you still awake? I’d love to hear your voice.
The third one had been sent this morning while she was in the shower.
I hope you’re okay. Your phone still goes straight to voice mail, and I’m assuming you’ve turned it off. I’m in clinic all day but will try and stop in at the ER to see you.
She stared at the messages, looking for some hidden clue as to where Adam had been yesterday, or why he hadn’t returned any of her calls or texts, but it wasn’t there. She also didn’t know from these texts whether Travis knew where Adam was and hadn’t told her, or if he was still upset with Adam.
She didn’t have any more time to linger, so she went back to the unit. About an hour before her shift ended, Karen found her and told her they’d had a late call-in for three to eleven. “I hate to even ask. You have two doubles coming up.”
“I’ll do it.” Loreen couldn’t face another evening alone in her condo, wondering if she’d hear from Travis or Adam. It was close to six o’clock when she spotted Travis, standing near the nurses’ station, talking and laughing as if nothing was wrong and he hadn’t a care in the world.
She watched him for a few seconds, remembering how many times she’d seen him like this over the years. It was exactly why everyone, including her, had incorrectly assumed he was merely a player.
But was that an incorrect assumption? Had he come here looking for her, or hadn’t he even noticed that the day shift had been over for more than two hours?
He glanced toward her and she watched a look of relief cross his face. He said something to the nurses, and then strode toward her. It was difficult not to cry. All the emotion from the past two days bubbled up, and she ducked around the corner, hoping he’d follow. She didn’t want anyone at the station to see her this way.
“I’ve been worried sick about you. Why are you still here?”
“They had a call-in. I’m doing a double.” Why did he have to be so fucking beautiful? She was overjoyed to be standing this close to him, while at the same time she only wanted to cry.
“I was hoping we could talk.”
“Sorry. This is my job.”
“And since when do you turn off your phone at night?” He was still angry with her. That much was evident in his voice. She was suddenly so confused, and didn’t know what to do.
“Since I didn’t sleep at all the night before, worrying about both of you. And then I get here to find out you’ve been here half the night, and Adam is not in Wisconsin.”
“I never said he was.”
“I know. You knew he wasn’t.”
Travis ran a hand through his hair. “Loreen, I didn’t know where he was. I got called in, and when I got here, he was here, too. We haven’t had a chance to talk about Tuesday at all. He’s ignoring me as well.”
“I didn’t know that.” Had she been wrong? Travis really had no idea where Adam had gone Tuesday after leaving the ER?
“Well, you know it now.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“I think you said it all Tuesday night.” His words cut through her like a knife to the gut.
“I was reacting to you and the things you said.” Voices drifted close to them. “Look, we can’t talk here, but we need to. If I’d known you wanted to talk…” She stopped. She had known. His text messages had said so.
“Didn’t you read my text messages?”
“I did. I’m sorry. I’m very confused right now.”
“So am I.”
He sounded more sad than confused, and that nearly broke her heart. They stared into each other’s eyes for a few seconds, until two of her coworkers came around the corner. After they passed by, Travis sighed out loud. “I guess I’ll have to wait until you aren’t working. When are you off again?”
“I’m working a double tomorrow and Saturday, and then I’m off Sunday.”
“Wow. You really are avoiding me.”
What reason could she give him for this that wouldn’t sound to his ears like she’d been avoiding him on purpose? “I know it seems that way, but I’m not. I’m just very confused about everything right now.”
“Well then, I guess I’ll see you on Sunday.”
Loreen couldn’t stop the tears as she watched him walk away. The urge to run after him was so strong, but it wouldn’t solve anything. She had work to do, and they couldn’t talk here. She’d done this to herself, and she knew that.
As she struggled to get through the rest of her shift, memories of the past few weeks assaulted her senses until she thought she’d die from the pain they caused. All she wanted to do was go back to the way things had been before Tuesday. But then she realized that Tuesday was reality, not the fantasy she’d been living.
She had spoken the truth to Travis Tuesday evening in his condo. Those two had issues to work through, and on the other side of them, there might not be room for her in their lives. Surely they both realized that by now. Why else would Adam be ignoring her, and Travis be as conflicted about seeing her as she was about seeing him?
And how was it she could calmly figure this out in her own head but couldn
’t say those words to Travis when he was standing right in front of her? She was as fucked up as each of them were. Maybe it was time to stop playing amateur psychologist with them and fix her own shit first?
Chapter Nineteen
Adam had given Loreen a key to his condo two weeks ago, and Travis had had one for years now, but he hadn’t expected either of them to barge in. When Travis did, and pushed him against the wall, Adam couldn’t really blame him, but he wished he’d had some warning first.
“Do you have any idea the pain you’ve put us through?” Travis shoved a card in his face. “Oh, and this belongs to you. She came in here Tuesday, looking for you, and found this in a shoebox or something. She wanted me to drive with her to Wisconsin. Thought you’d gone there.”
Adam stared at the holy card. When he’d put the shoebox away late Tuesday night, he hadn’t gone through it to see if anything was missing. Why would he have?
“Where the fuck did you go? She all but accused me of lying to her when I told her I didn’t know.”
“Nowhere in particular. I just drove around.”
“Fuck you.” Travis let him go, then plopped down on the sofa. “This is a big fucking mess, dude. We need to fix this. I think we’ve already lost her, but we have to try.”
“I couldn’t talk to her. I couldn’t talk to either of you. I thought it was Lissa in that bed. I relived the whole fucking thing all over again.” He wished he had a better explanation for why he’d bolted Tuesday morning, but he didn’t. That was it, right there. Every memory of that horrible day had come rushing back in the space of two seconds, and he’d completely lost it.
He’d called Everett and told him he was ill and would be in the next day. He hadn’t even been able to think. All he’d done was drive around northwest Indiana and into Chicago, aimlessly going up and down streets.
