Imperfectly Bad

by A. E. Woodward

  “We celebrated afterwards, probably a little too much celebrating went on because we made some bad decisions and ultimately the night ended with us both in cuffs.”

  Layla gasped.

  “Luckily, despite my recent dickhead attitude, my parents cared about me and they bailed me out. They hired me the best lawyer money could buy and took care of everything… right down to painting me as the innocent victim to Jenny’s ruthless corrupting behavior.”

  My words caught in my throat as I thought back to that moment when I’d realized the way my parents were going to get me out of the precarious situation I had put myself in. To save me, they were going to throw Jenny into the fire. The thought still made me sick to my stomach.

  “I went and saw her while she was still in jail, and I could tell that she hated me. She had every right to. That was the last time I saw her, until she served me papers a few weeks ago.

  “After she was released she disappeared, and I made a decision about my future. Jenny didn’t have a family to provide for her, so she was assigned a crappy lawyer and she paid the ultimate price for it. The whole system was flawed and I wanted to do better than that for people. It sounds corny to say that I found my calling, but seeing how Jenny had been treated… I knew without a doubt I needed to become a lawyer. After a year at community college, I came to New York, and once I got here, I put up this carefree, playboy exterior. Even though everything I was working toward was because of her, I vowed to never let anyone get under my skin like Jenny had.” I stopped and pulled Layla closer to me. “That was, until you.”

  She smiled at me. “But there is no love like your first love,” she countered back.

  “I just can’t shake her.”

  “And you shouldn’t. She is a part of you. Your past with her, it shaped you into the man you are now. You might not think it, but you are good, and you deserve happiness.”

  I kissed Layla’s forehead, whispering against it, “What did I do to deserve you?” I dropped my head back onto my pillow.

  “You needed me.”

  I couldn’t make sense of what she said. I needed clarification and so I asked her what she meant.

  “You needed me to remind you to find good in the bad things.”

  What she said takes me back a bit, and I consider her words for a moment. Layla was right. I needed her. I needed her to make me realize that things are meant to happen. All the shit in my life had lead me to her. I was who I was because of my past. My heart had shut down for years, but Layla made it beat again. Because of her I felt like I had a chance at a future again.

  Shifting my weight I roll her over so she’s on her back, my body pressing down on hers. While momentarily confused, she rights herself and looks up at me through her long lashes. Wondering how on earth a bastard like me ended up with a second chance like this, I leaned down and kissed her gently. A smile formed on the edges of her lips against mine. Pressing my forehead to hers, our eyes met and I knew. This time was different, and because of that, I would do it differently.

  ”I don’t deserve you.”

  She reached up with her hand and placed it on my cheek and I leaned into her touch, relishing the feel of her skin on mine. Whatever was between us overtook her and her eyes glossed over. Her tongue snaked out to lick her bottom lip before she caught it between her teeth. “Rob—”

  “You don’t have to say anything. I just need you to know what you mean to me. You are my guardian angel.”

  She turned away from me and covered her face, a sob escaping from her throat.

  “Hey.” I ran a hand through her hair. “Don’t cry. This is a good thing.”

  Needing to make everything okay, to soothe whatever pain she was feeling, I pulled her hands from her face. Fresh tears pooled on the sheets beneath her face but she forced a smile.

  “It’s not that. It makes me sad, thinking that you don’t realize how amazing you are,” she managed to choke out. “You deserve me, just as I deserve you.”

  Hearing those words… I didn’t think I would ever be able to describe the way I felt. It was as though the jagged edges of my broken heart weaved themselves back together, and it started beating again. My whole body tingled as it came awake and, unable to verbalize my feelings, I crashed my lips down onto hers. No feeling could compare, My hands pulled her closer than I could imagine and we stayed there the rest of the day. I held her in my arms and she warmed my skin.

  No question about it, Layla had put me back together.

  Exhausted, I flopped down onto Shane’s couch and Felix immediately ran toward me. The look of pride and excitement on his face was amazing, he smiled and patted my knees to get my attention. I reached down and pulled him into my lap.

  “Hey, little dude, what’s up?” I tickled his belly.

  “Unc Wob!” he screamed between laughs.

  Shane passed me a beer and joined me on the couch. “So, what’s going on with you?” he asked. “We haven’t seen you much lately? Layla?” He raised his eyebrows at me as her name left his mouth.

  “Yeah.”

  Felix wiggled his way out of my lap and went back to toddling around on the floor. I laughed. He looked like a drunken mini-Shane.

  “What’s up with Jenny?” Shane asked, cracking open his beer.

  I eyed him curiously.

  “Emma,” he said by way of explanation.

  I rolled my eyes. “That girl sucks at keeping secrets.”

  “Yeah, she does.”

  I laughed. “Nothing’s up with Jenny. We’re over—have been for years.”

  “Are you really done with her?”

  I sighed and took a long haul off my beer. Shane had a point. “I’ll probably never be done with her, will I?”

  Shane shook his head. “No, you won’t. First love runs deep.” He sighed and looked up the stairs. Emma was taking a nap and I could tell he was trying to think of a way to say whatever was on his mind.

  “You know she’s dead to the world, so just spit it out,.”

  “I love Emma more than anything in the world. She’s my everything—”

  “But…”

  “But, I will never forget Christy. As much as her and I fought, and all the bad blood between us, I still have a spot in my heart where she lives. Christy was the first girl I thought I loved, she was by my side as I became the man I am today. You don’t just forget that.”

  It took a second to take in what Shane was saying to me but I couldn’t deny I felt better knowing that I wasn’t alone in my feelings. Especially as Shane was the one who had all his shit together. If he couldn’t get over his first love, then what chance did I have?

  “I needed to hear that.”

  “I knew you did.”

  He flipped on the TV and sat in silence, our eyes on the game but neither of us were really watching. But the silence wasn’t awkward. It gave us a minute to gather our thoughts.

  “So you think this Layla might be it for you?” he asked, his eyes fixed on the screen.

  “I think she could be, if I can get past these confusing feelings.”

  “Love is confusing. All that bullshit about love being patient and kind is a sham. There is nothing beautiful about love, it’s an ugly bitch and it will tear you down and spit you out before you have a chance to figure it out. I learned that the hard way. My advice to you? Follow your heart, because your head will do nothing but get you into trouble.”

  I let Shane’s words sink in for few seconds. “When did you get so wise?” I asked before finishing my beer, mindlessly picking at the label while I waited for his answer.

  “When I accepted the fact that nothing good comes from being in love.”

  I reached over and patted Shane on the knee. I wasn’t that long ago when Shane had been through a similar thing to this when his feelings for Emma came to the forefront. It had been a bad time for him, and it assured me that during our lives we all face a dark hour that we need to work our way through.

  “Thanks for that,” I s
aid to him as I stood from the couch.

  “Where are you going?” he asked. “You just got here.”

  “I’m following my heart.”

  Pushing through the queue, I made my way up to the counter and slammed down a $10 bill.

  “Gimme a grande espresso.”

  She turned on her heels, obviously taken aback by the harshness in my voice. “Oh Jesus, Rob. You can’t just show up here and start acting like a dick.” She grabbed the money from the counter and pushed some buttons on the register.

  “You and I have unfinished business.”

  She picked up a cup and made a few marks with her pen before handing it over to the other barista. “To hell we do. You made that perfectly clear.”

  This couldn’t go on. There had to be some way of reaching some middle ground. I reached across the counter and grabbed her hand before she could walk away from me. “I wanna just talk, calmly for once. Work through what happened with us without either of us getting pissed off so much we can’t see straight.”

  “Like that’s going to happen,” she scoffed.

  “It will if we make it happen. We need closure, Jenny. If either of us wants to move on and be happy, we need an ending.”

  Bright eyes scoured my face and I could tell she was thinking about what I said. Deep lines appeared across her forehead she was that deep in thought.

  “Fine,” she finally muttered. “I’m off in a half an hour.”

  It was a good thing I wore expensive shoes, otherwise I think I might have worn a hole in the soles as I paced up and down the sidewalk, waiting for her. The last thirty minutes had consisted of pacing, and copious amounts of chain smoking. In true Sod’s law fashion my lungs were heavy with smoke when she came out, but I managed to speak. “Want one,” I offered, thinking it would be nice if we could actually start the conversation as adults.

  She begrudgingly slipped one from my pack and leaned toward me, cupping her hands around mine as I flicked the lighter and lit the end for her. It wasn’t only well practiced, it was intimate, and it made my heart race.

  “Thanks,” she muttered, the cigarette dangling from her mouth. After a few deep breaths her shoulders sagged and she appeared more relaxed. “Where do you want to talk?” she asked as she exhaled a cloud of smoke.

  “We can go to my place. Ty is gone for the night.”

  “Lead the way.”

  We walked to the subway, rode the train, and walked some more—all without so much as a word. To say tensions were high would be an understatement. The sound of the key sliding into the lock was amplified tenfold as I unlocked the door and motioned for her to go ahead of me. “Such a gentleman,” she said, slipping off her jacket. It had been a while since I’d been close enough to really study her but something was different. Another quick scan of her arms and I noticed her tattoos were faded, and I knew without a doubt what she had been doing.

  “You getting rid?” I asked, stretching out to absently run my fingers over her skin.

  She flinched away and directed her gaze towards me. “Don’t start.”

  I threw my hands up in defeat. “I wasn’t. Just asking a question, Jenny. I’m not always out to get you.” Deep down I knew that either she was changing for him because she thought that was what he wanted, or he was actually making her change. Neither answer was all that great. With such an individual personality, Jenny deserved to shine, and I wanted to tell her that but knew it would start a fight and I had made a promise.

  “Feel free to sit wherever,” I said as I walked toward the kitchen. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Scotch would be awesome,” she called from the living room.

  I smiled. Still the only girl I knew who loved to drink scotch on the rocks. “You want a cigar with that?” I joked pouring her drink.

  “If you have one, that’d be great.”

  It was nice to banter back and forth and I laughed as I made my way to the living room. Casting a cursory glance around the room, I saw her perched on one end of the couch. I handed her the glass and sat on the other side. As if unsure whether to trust me or not, her eyes narrowed on me as she took a tentative sip. The punch-drunk look that spread across her face let me know it met her approval.

  “That’s good scotch.”

  “Only the best.”

  No further words were necessary because we both knew the only reason I’d started drinking it was because of her. Not wanting the mood to turn sour I turned to rummage through one of kitchen drawers. Finally, my fingers wrapped around the wooden box and I pulled out my favorite humidor. With practiced ease, I snipped the ends of two cigars and lit each of them, taking a few deep puffs to ensure they were burning. Satisfied, I passed one to Jenny who smiled approvingly and immediately took a drag.

  She blew out a few smoke circles while we enjoyed our cigars in silence. “So, why am I here, Rob?” she asked after a few moments.

  “I told you, we need closure.”

  Her eyes fell into her lap. “What if I’m not ready for that?”

  Unsure of the right words to say, I went with my gut. “You’re getting married Jenny, of course you’re ready for it. You need it—hell, I need it.”

  Her piercing blue eyes met mine. “But I just got you back. I just don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye again.” The sadness in her voice rang out clear as day, and it surprised the hell out of me. Whatever I had been expecting, it certainly wasn’t this.

  The physical distance was too much and I scooted closer to her and took her free hand in mine. “What the fuck, Jenny?”

  “I dunno, Rob. Before seeing you again I was ready to move on. But now… now that I’ve seen you. God—” She paused, her words stuck in her throat. “I just can’t handle the thought of losing you again.”

  “I don’t understand. You left me, Jenny. I never heard from you again.”

  “I know. But I didn’t leave by choice, my parents sent me away. And the longer I went without seeing you, the easier it became to hate you. There came a point where I never so much as thought of you. I never looked for you—it would have been easy to find you—but I just didn’t give a fuck. With each passing day, my hatred grew. In my head you’d become this monster. The one person to blame for everything that had gone wrong in my life. But when I saw you again, all that hate melted away. I loved you. Rob.” Her voice dropped to less than a whisper as she said, “And I still do.”

  I didn’t think, and I didn’t speak—which was good because I probably couldn’t have if I wanted to. Throwing caution to the wind I grabbed her by the neck and pulled her lips to mine. Everything clicked into place. It was just so… familiar. Even after all this time. Her lower jaw dropped slightly, and my tongue made quick work of invading her mouth. Given how much of my wife—sorry, ex-wife—had evaporated since our time together, I was pleased to find that she had left her tongue stud in. Using the tip of my tongue I flicked at it, which was a good move because she moaned into my mouth, keening against me before leaning over to sit her glass on the coffee table. She threw her leg over my lap so that she was straddling me. Her hands pressed on the sides of my face, her forehead pressed to mine. “You and I, we’re not so different you know.” The words were raspy, as if it physically pained her to speak them.

  “I know,” I replied, my voice breathy and emotion-filled. “We’re so bad for each other that we’re good.”

  She smiled before kissing me again. There was so much passion, so much hate, harnessed in our kisses that I swore we must have looked like we were mauling each other. There was just so much lost time to make up for. The fact that, once again, my dick had taken over my brain was evidenced when I picked her up and carried her toward my bedroom, ready to show her how I felt in the only way we could.

  Because everyone knows actions speak louder than words.

  Once Jenny left I made my way to the toilet, and I wretched up everything I had eaten in the past week. I’d gone and fucked things up, again. Layla deserved better than that. I
was a selfish bastard and deserved to rot in hell.

  I coughed into the toilet bowl again when I heard the front door open. Great. Tyler was home. The last think I needed was for him to start questioning me. The web around me was so tangled at that point that I doubted there was a way out.

  “Rob!” he called out from the living room.

  There was no point in pretending not to be there so I flopped onto my ass away from the toilet, wiped the sweat from my forehead, and called out, “Be right out.”

  With a shaking hand, I reached up and flushed away the guilt, along with the vomit. I stopped at the sink to splash a bit of cold water on my face and made my way out to the living room, shuffling my feet, feeling completely and utterly worn out. In a way I was, both emotionally and physically. The rolling sensation in my stomach continued as the thought of my deception crept back in. I was disgusted with myself, and that was a challenge in itself.

  “You look like shit,” he said.

  “Thanks, Ty.” I flopped down onto the couch, totally defeated. “Love you too.”

  “What the fuck is your damage now, shithead?” he asked, his attention diverted back to the game he had been watching on TV.

  “Same shit, different day I guess.”

  I kicked my feet up and attempted to relax, but it just wasn’t happening. There was a loud thump as my feet hit the floor and threw my head in my hands.

  The noise from the TV ceased, and I heard Tyler sigh. “Wanna talk about?”

  I considered my options. Either I could sit and stew—which would ultimately lead to sure fire self-destruction—or I could talk it through, and maybe even figure some shit out. I’d watched all my friends fumble through their lives lately and as much as I wanted to be left alone, I knew that nothing good would come of it. As much as I hated to admit it, I had to talk to someone. Anyone.