And though she was very tired, their best musician stepped up and sang, ‘How Great Thou Art,’ which was her most beautiful, triumphant song from church. Rachel’s warbling voice shook as she fought off her tears. Everyone in the circle cried and hugged one another, trying to find a way to release the pain. The inevitable isn’t made more comforting, Fi realized, by its inevitability. It sucks just as much, even when you know it’s coming.
Through her numbness, Fi felt someone grab her hand and she glanced up into Asher’s teary face. Her heart pounded with a painful comingling of grief and joy. It had been so long since he had touched her. Fi saw the pain in his eyes and broke down completely and hugged him, sobbing and squeezing Kiara’s hand. Asher swept Kiara into his arms and they hugged her together. All three cried freely, surrounded by the rest of the weeping Family.
No one said any words at the funeral. The Family realized that they didn’t really have a preacher in their midst. That was ok, Fi had assured them. There weren’t really any words anyway, not any that would adequately describe Maggie, or that would lesson their grief.
It was decided that everyone would stay to commune with Maggie as long as they needed to say their goodbyes. Fi did not begrudge the Family the time with Maggie, though it did disturb her personal privacy. She was comforted that so many were mourning Maggie’s loss, that Maggie’s Family ultimately, was so large. It was a testament to her great heart that she had touched so many, and it made Fi proud. Each of the Family Members gave Fi a long, loving, restorative hug on their way out to head back to camp.
Sean sat beside her in silence for several hours. That was her trusty Sean, she thought with pain. Just as he’d done at Luke’s funeral so many years ago, Sean offered silent strength. After a time, he patted her shoulder and left, reminding her not to stay too long.
In the end, when Asher took Kiara by the hand to return to camp, it left just Fi and Lucy seated on a boulder, silently resting in the darkening evening. Fi knew that Lucy’s loss was deep as well. Maggie had been like a sister to her for decades. They were there for all of each other’s major milestones, marriages, children, birthdays, promotions. They were devoted friends. It would be like Fi losing Kiara, she realized. Fi rested her head on Lucy’s shoulder and sighed. Lucy took a big shuddering breath and put an arm around her.
“Alright kiddo,” she said gently, patting Fi’s leg. “Let’s head back,” she pulled Fi up with her. Lucy beckoned Fi back to camp, back toward life, she thought numbly. Fi yawned, a huge deep draught of a breath, and felt the depth of her exhaustion. They’d better find Eden soon, she thought in a weary daze. She was reaching the end of her own personal rope.
A Father’s Love
----------- Fi -----------
As Jose had predicted, there came a point when the Family was forced to use the highway to traverse the White Mountains. This made them all nervous at first, but they’d had an easy time of it so far. Though it came as a relief to move without worry about being accosted, it was also a sign of how few Others remained alive. The feeling of being alone in the world was eerie as they made their way through the magnificent peaks surrounding them.
At the moment, they huddled together at a scenic overlook while the group argued. It was odd to conduct difficult conversations in such a breathtaking place, Fi thought absently, staring out over the magnificent valley below.
“John, don’t be so stubborn!” Doc argued, frustrated. “You need a break and I’m fresh. Please,” he begged, “let me carry her.” John shook his head vehemently until Lucy touched his arm.
“John,” she murmured and he stopped walking and turned. “Baby,” she said softly, tears brimming in her eyes. “It doesn’t make you less of a father if you let someone else share your burden.” He started to shake his head and then sighed.
“Alright,” he said, “just for a little while.” Doc nodded and he and Asher helped John to remove the frame strapped to his back. Rachel smiled weakly up at them as they maneuvered the pack back onto Doc’s shoulders. They were careful not to hurt her legs, which hung below the pack in the sling Lucy had created. The pack was a pretty decent piece of work, Fi thought with admiration. Doc Ron and Sarge had planned it while Lucy had taken responsibility for sewing additional straps and pieces to the pack, reinforcing the bottom, and cutting out areas for Rachel’s limbs. The giant carrier wasn’t ideal, but it was working for them more than expecting a sick girl to walk miles each day would work. It was hard enough dealing with Zoe’s little limbs. Whenever they stopped Fi wished they’d created a pack for her too. Zoe tried very hard, but it was a lot for her little body.
As John stepped away from Doc Ron, Fi noticed the limp again. Shit! She thought. He definitely was limping. Well, his knee was pretty swollen after all these days carrying the extra weight. Though Rachel was incredibly gaunt, she was still twelve years old and tall, like her mother. She had to weight eighty pounds, Fi thought, worrying once again. John looked really tired. They were going to have to find a way to convince him to take it easier. It was time for a talk. She moved to walk closer to him.
“John,” she began, her voice tentative. She knew he was upset and tired, and she also knew that the adults didn’t like ‘talking tos’ that came from her. He kept walking, silent but listening.
Even more quietly she said, “John, how do you feel right now?” He shot her a shocking glare. His eyes had become sunken with his recent rapid weight loss. He was the only Family Member besides Rachel whose weight and health were headed in that direction. The rest were improving as more game meat and wild edibles became available. She knew that he was working so hard, carrying Rachel, but she still worried that his condition could be more serious than simple fatigue.
He didn’t respond to her question, but Fi didn’t press, they just kept walking next to each other. Finally he shrugged, the gesture an angry jerk.
“Helpless, I feel…helpless” he said, his voice thick. Fi realized that he was trying not to break. With her eyes straight ahead, Fi nodded.
“I understand.”
“I know you do,” John sighed, letting go of his anger. Fi walked with him in quiet companionship. Doc Ron was doing a great job of carrying Rachel, she saw.
“John let me ask you something,” she said to him with care. “Knowing that getting to Eden as soon as possible is the goal to ultimately help Rachel…” she began and then paused, unwilling to be critical. He grunted.
“You’re saying that I’m being selfish. By not sharing the burden and slowing us down,” his conclusion was grim. Selfish, she thought, incredulous. Fi shook her head.
“No John, I could never say that what you’ve done these past weeks has been selfish,” she said, her tone kind. “I’m saying that you’re human, and that you’re not letting go and letting your Family help you, letting them help Rachel.” She gestured toward the gentle, loping stride Doc Ron was using to carry Rachel. “Who wants her well being more than Doc?” she asked and he nodded.
“I know you’re right,” he said without grudge. “It just feels better when I carry her,” he struggled to explain. Fi understood. When she’d been bruised from head to toe during her training, it helped her to stop thinking about her father. John was no different. The pain and the martyrdom made him feel better.
“Physical pain can be a distraction from emotional pain,” she offered and he took a deep breath. After another minute of silence he spoke again.
“That’s it,” he said. “The pain in my knee helps distract me,” he agreed, “just like you said.” He sounded embarrassed. Fi smiled at him.
“Well, let’s find other distractions,” she suggested. “You know Doc Ron and I have discussed starting the medications for Rachel?” He nodded.
“I know you talked about it,” he began. “I kind of always assumed you’d ask Lucy and me before you started that.” Fi was surprised. Jesus, she thought, maybe my emphasis on being the Leader has been too much, if John thinks I’d made that kind of decision without as
king him or Lucy.
“Of course we would ask you John,” she said. “We’re going to ask Rachel too,” she added and he smiled weakly in appreciation. “The reason I bring it up is because we think it may be time.” John frowned and Fi added, “Just to start her on the meds, that’s all.” He bit his lip and nodded. Fi continued.
“We’ll hold a meeting with you, Lucy, Rachel, Doc, and me during our next rest stop, assuming Rachel is awake,” Fi proposed. Rachel had started to sleep a lot lately, like Maggie. Fi was truly worried about the rate at which she was deteriorating. But the meds may do what they need them to do, which was to buy time. We should get there by fall, she thought. Surely we will find Eden by fall.
That evening the group gathered by the dying fire. Fi asked Asher to take everyone away for a bit to relax and chat while they held their meeting. He had not touched her since Maggie’s funeral, their sudden bond seeming to pass away again, though his loyalty remained strong. He followed her order and led everyone away from the fire to pass some time in the nearby moonlit clearing. Once they had gone, Fi turned to Doc.
“Alright Doc,” she nodded, “I think this discussion begins with you.” Doc cleared his throat. John sat with Lucy leaned against him on one side and Rachel on the other. Sean sat cross-legged, like Fi, and Doc sat on a log. He addressed Rachel directly while he spoke.
“Fi and I have been talking for some time about any treatment options we might have for you Rachel,” he began and she nodded, her eyes large and bright in her thin face. “I’m fairly certain that you have Leukemia, but I can’t be sure what form, or how advanced it may be,” he said gently and then paused. “Am I frightening you?” She shook her head.
“I’m not a baby, Doc. I know I’m Sick,” she paused, “…that I’m dying.” Sean choked and Fi shifted to lay her hand over his. Rachel turned to Sean. “I’m sorry Sean, I know this is hard for everybody.” Her lip started to tremble. “I feel awful knowing Papa has to carry me.” She narrowed her eyes and stared into the distance. “But no, I’m not frightened,” she said, growing calm once again, her gaze peaceful. Fi swung a nervous glance at Doc. Rachel was starting to wander away from them…toward acceptance. That wasn’t good! She frowned and Doc mouthed, ‘It’s ok’ to calm her. Yes, Fi thought, stay calm. Panic never helps. Doc spoke.
“So we have drugs that may help your cancer to slow down, to help hold it back for a while.”
“What kind of drugs” Rachel asked. “Like chemo?” Her voice was nervous.
“Not like chemo, Rachel,” Doc grimaced, “this is chemo. I promise that I will never lie to you.” Doc said and shook his head. “If you take these, they will make your hair fall out, your stomach feel nauseated, and your body feel tired. You could get rashes. You could get more colds, though you’re only exposed to us, so we can be very careful about not exposing you to infection.” He paused for a moment, thinking. “As Fi once said to me,” he turned to smile briefly at Fi. “You’ll feel pretty much the same as you do right now, but bald,” he explained. He turned back to Rachel, who made a strange sound as her face screwed up. She shook a couple times and then she burst out laughing. As she dissolved into giggles, Fi watched her, concerned. Was she losing her mind? Rachel looked up at their worried faces, and burst out laughing again.
“I just think,” she said gasping, “that it’s funny that you put it that way. You were right,” she said to Doc. “You aren’t a liar.” Doc’s smile was grim and he ventured a chuckle. “Aaaaah,” Rachel took a deep breath as her laughter subsided. “Ok, so basically you’re telling me this because you think I should take them.” She added, “The drugs, I mean.” Doc nodded.
“Yes.”
“And you think that,” she said, taking a deep breath, “because you think that the cancer is winning right now.” Rachel’s face and tone were flat.
“Yes.” Doc’s face was a mirror of Rachel’s. Rachel turned to her family, sitting in the flickering firelight.
“Do you want to vote, or do you want me to decide?” she asked her mother. Lucy shook her head.
“It’s up to you sweetie,” she said, her voice shaky. “We’re here to support you,” she reached across John and squeezed Rachel’s arm gently, taking care not to bruise her. Rachel bruised so easily now that she had sore spots from her time spent being carried in the pack. Considering the information, Rachel was quiet for a moment. She sat back against John’s chest and he leaned down and kissed the top of her head. Her hair was already thin with malnutrition and Sickness, Fi saw. Rachel sat forward and held her hand out to Doc to shake.
“I’m in,” she said and Doc reached out and shook her hand.
“I will do my absolute best to take care of you Rachel,” Doc assured her. Rachel nodded, a single tear sliding down her cheek.
“I know, Doc,” she said. “I know.”
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
----------- Fi -----------
Fi gave a wave to Sean as she ran from their morning training session. She was so excited to have a fresh, cool bath. Rag cleaning doesn’t really make you feel clean, Fi thought. That was why everyone was so excited that their current campsite had a wonderful bathing stream. At camp they assured her that no one was bathing now, so it was her chance.
As she ran toward the stream she stopped to pull off her socks and shoes, her sweaty sports bra, and her thick cargo pants. Ah, she thought as she stood in her tank top and panties. The cool breeze on her skin felt wonderful. She tugged at the elastic in her hair and then used it to secure her balled up clothing. With the ball of clothes in one hand and her rag and soap in the other, she continued her enthusiastic bound toward the stream.
As she ran, she imagined her bath. The water in the stream was cold, but clear and running. It was a welcome respite from the sticky summer air. She looked forward to dipping her whole body into the deep pool lined with small golden pebbles. Dark pines stretched above the pool and moss and mushrooms littered its banks. This peaceful place was one reason that they’d stayed two extra days in this spot. Well, that and the long scouting trip Jose had to do with Mayra. A happy coincidence, Fi thought as she flitted through the forest.
She crested the hill and then stopped dead with a gasp. A man was hauling himself out of the stream. He was facing the other direction, but Fi knew his frame. As she stepped back, she realized that from her vantage point, she was hidden from view. Shafts of light lit him in stripes as he moved, brushing the water from his body. Embarrassment squeezed her stomach and she ducked and hid behind a tree. Guilt and anxiety flooded her chest as her heart pounded, but she did not turn away.
Asher did not turn her way, but grabbed a rag and dried himself before pulling on his black undershorts. Fi’s heart raced and she pulled away, conflicted. Then she leaned forward again, watching but hardly breathing. He pulled on his cargo pants and turned, but still did not look her way. He stared downstream and hummed to himself. Fi couldn’t remember if she was still breathing. Her eyes traveled over the ground, across the glittering stream, following the bright splashes as they reflected on leaves, on fabric, on skin…When her gaze traveled to his waist, she felt her legs start to shake beneath her where she crouched. Her mouth felt dry as she watched him, mesmerized. The angles of the muscle as it lay over his pelvic bones, she thought, and she shuddered. The sudden movement caused her to lose her footing and she fell back awkwardly.
Asher stopped and his head swung around. His eyes found hers and recognition flashed across his face.
“Fi,” he said, “It’s just you.” And then a slow smile spread across his face as he took in her appearance. Instinctively, her left hand flew up in front of her face to cover her eyes. She felt like a toddler who covers his eyes so you can’t see him. Stupid, she thought as her heart sank and the inevitable flush made its way up her neck. It was unfair; she just wanted a bath! Bathing is a luxury. He had to understand, she thought as she rehearsed her explanation.
Currently, she stood with her hand gripped arou
nd a bar of soap trying to cover her eyes while a dripping, shirtless Asher walked toward her up the path.
“I’m so, so, sorry,” she apologized. Though her hand covered her face, she was sure she could hear Asher stifle a laugh.
“It’s ok,” he said as he passed, “Honest mistake.”
Ugh, even when he thought she was throwing herself at him, he wasn’t interested. She was angry with herself. What a stupid thing to think.
“It’s just you,” she murmured angrily to herself, repeating his words. No doubt he was expecting someone way hotter to come traipsing out of the woods. Not someone in functional black panties. Oh God, she thought, the embarrassment was excruciating. For a split second she envisioned throwing him out of the Family for not properly respecting the Leader. But she realized that her feelings were meaningless. He felt differently, of course. He was older. She was just embarrassed that he saw her in her ridiculous underpants. Once he was gone, she rushed down to the stream, angry that now she wouldn’t enjoy her bath.
----------- Asher -----------
Asher made his way up the hill and focused on slowing the pounding of his heart. When he first started to pull himself out of the water, he’d heard a branch break behind him. At first he’d frozen, worried about Others, but then he’d smiled at her small gasp. It couldn’t be, he’d thought, feeling embarrassed and pleased at the same time. He didn’t want her to know that he was aware she was there. Careful to keep his back turned, Asher reached for his rag and dried himself. Of course, he had shown off a little once he’d gotten partially dressed, turning and stretching…making sure he engaged all his muscles as he moved. It was stupid, really, he thought, chiding himself.
But when she’d tripped and he’d had to turn and acknowledge her, he’d been so shocked himself that he’d had trouble figuring out what to do or say. His eyes found hers, locking into the deep brown warmth of her gaze.
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