by KE Payne
I unscrewed the top from my bottle of water and took a long drink from it. “Well, even if he does like me—which he doesn’t—I don’t like him.” I wiped a droplet of water from my mouth with the back of my hand.
“You could do worse,” Libby said. “Okay, he’s a bit of a geek, but he’s a funny geek.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t even go there.”
“Why not?” Libby leaned closer, her eyes mischievous. “Tabby and Greg. We could call you Treg. Or Tabreg. Or something.”
“Or Gabby?” I grinned.
“Ew. Nasty.”
“Trust me, Libby,” I said, pulling a sliver of tomato from my sandwich, “nothing in this world would ever make me want to go out with Greg.”
“Well, I think he’s nice,” Libby said, “and I thank the day this place decided to let boys attend a girls’ school after year twelve.” She bit into her sandwich. “Boy, was there an outpouring of hormones that first day.”
“You go out with him if you like him, then,” I said. “Or are you already seeing someone?”
Libby shook her head. “No and no. Are you?”
“What?”
“Seeing someone?”
I took a bite from my sandwich, dusting the crumbs that showered from it off my top.
“Your silence tells me you are.”
“Well, kinda,” I mumbled.
“Ah, you have someone back home?”
“Yeah. Someone back home.” I pictured Amy in my head and smiled.
“You must miss him something awful,” Libby said, opening a packet of crisps.
“Yeah,” I said eventually, glancing over towards Eden. “I do.”
I shook my head as Libby offered me a crisp from her packet.
“Actually,” I said, my heart beating just a little faster, “he is a she.”
“Hmm?” Libby looked up from peering into her packet of crisps.
I cleared my throat. “The person I have back home and who I miss more and more every day is a she, not a he.”
“Oh. Right.” Libby raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t realize you were—”
“Gay?”
“Mm. Gay.”
“You never guessed?” I waved my hands up and down myself.
“Well, I suppose now you mention it…”
“Not a problem is it?” I asked. “’Cos if it is, I can go and find someone else to sit with and eat lunch with every day.”
“God, no!” Libby’s eyes widened, apparently appalled at herself. “’Course it’s not a problem. I just didn’t realize, thassall. Sorry…I hope you didn’t think…?”
I shook my head.
“My cousin thinks she’s gay,” Libby said, taking a drink from her can. “Well, she says she’s dabbled with it, anyway.”
“Dabbled?” I asked “You make it sound like it’s the occult.”
“Oh, no! I didn’t mean—” Libby’s face flushed with acute embarrassment.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I was kidding.”
Libby offered me another crisp. Again I shook my head.
“So, what’s your girlfriend’s name?” she asked.
“Amy,” I said, turning the ring on my finger at the thought of her. “She’s called Amy.”
“Who’s called Amy?” Greg flopped down next to me and immediately reached over to take a crisp from Libby’s open packet.
“No one.” Libby snatched her crisps back, holding them against her chest so Greg couldn’t reach.
“My girlfriend,” I said. I figured if I was coming out to one new friend, I might as well come out to the other at the same time. Two birds, one stone, and all that.
“Nice name,” said Greg, without missing a beat. “Does she come to this place?” He looked around, as if he expected to see her sitting behind him.
“No,” I said. “She still lives up North.”
“That’s got to make life tough,” Greg said. “It’s not like she’s even just an hour away, is it?”
“Yeah, it’s not good.” I looked down at my uneaten sandwich. “But we’re managing.”
It was in the northeast that I fell in love with the girl next door. Such a cliché. Amy is seventeen, like me, and while it took me a long time to notice her, once I did, it was like a light being switched on inside me. My life was never the same again after that. She was the local wild child—the antithesis of what my father would seek in a friend for his daughter—and she’d reeled me in with her don’t-give-a-shit attitude from the moment I’d met her.
“Can I ask you something personal?” Libby asked.
“Shoot.”
“When did you know? That you were gay, I mean.”
“Right from an early age.” I sat back in my chair. “When all my friends at school used to talk about boys and actors they liked, I never got what they were talking about. I never felt it, you know?”
Libby nodded, then reconsidered. “Well, no, actually. But carry on.”
“And then when we all got to the boyfriend age,” I said, “that was when I met Amy. And all the fireworks shit that friends were talking about getting from their boyfriends? Well, I was getting that with Amy. That’s when I knew for sure.”
A crack of laughter from across the canteen drew my eyes over to where Eden was sitting. My aching thoughts of Amy were temporarily sent scuttling as I saw Eden laughing heartily at something Beth was showing her on her phone.
“That’s kinda cute,” Libby said.
Cute. Eden? I blinked at Libby. “Cute. What do you mean?”
“Your story.”
“Oh. Yeah.”
“You want that?” She pointed to my long since forgotten slice of tomato. I shook my head, and she reached over for it. “So, anyway.” She rolled her hand for me to continue.
“Yeah, it was cute, but scary at the same time,” I said. “I mean, I knew I was different from other girls, but getting together with Amy just confirmed it.”
“So why was it scary?” Libby asked, eating my tomato.
“I guess I didn’t want to be classified as the lesbian at first,” I said. “Being gay is just another part of who I am, and what I like,” I continued, looking directly at Libby. “I mean, I like girls, you like boys. I like English, you prefer maths, with its bionic thermometers. I like white bread, you like…I dunno…Granary?”
“Well, I prefer a nice seeded batch if I’m honest.” Libby grinned and wiped her hands on her napkin. “And now?” she asked. “Does it get any less scary as you get older?”
“A bit,” I said. I couldn’t help but look over towards Eden as her laughter continued. “But I guess I’ll always be coming out to people throughout my life, every time I meet new people.”
“Do your parents know about you and Amy?” Libby asked.
“No,” I replied firmly. “My father and I have a strange relationship, and he absolutely loathes Amy.” I chuckled. “Probably because she’s led me astray on more than one occasion.”
“She sounds like trouble.”
“She is. We were always skipping school, hanging out together,” I said. “I kinda thought I’d be the same down here.” I slid my eyes over towards Eden, still deep in conversation with Gabby.
“You miss her?” Greg asked.
“Yeah, but we’ll be together again soon,” I said. “I made a vow to her”—I picked at the crust on the sandwich—“shortly after my parents coldly told me, when I was in pieces over leaving her, that I’d find other friends in London.”
My mind flickered back to the night before I’d left. I remembered the tears, the hugging, the promises. The relentless ticking of the clock bringing me ever nearer to leaving her.
“Don’t be sad, Tabs.” Amy had pulled me to her, but it had done little to ease the burning fury I felt towards my father and the whole injustice of the situation he’d forced me into.
“I just don’t know how he can do it to us,” I’d mumbled into her sweater. “Uprooting us like this. Taking me away from you.”
&
nbsp; “Long-distance relationships suck, I know.” Amy was appeasing me. I knew it. “We just need to get through these next two years, then we can think about getting a place at university together.”
“I can’t wait two years.” I’d pulled myself from her. “I won’t wait that long.”
“We can Skype and stuff in the meantime,” Amy had said, but she wasn’t convinced. The distraught look on her face had told me that.
I’d shaken my head. “No. I told you, I won’t wait that long. I’m going to do everything I can to get back to you as soon as possible.”
“But in the meantime”—Amy had lurched over the side of her bed, retrieving a small box from under it—“you can wear this and think of me until we can be together again.”
Inside the box had been a plain silver ring.
“It’s fab.” It was exquisite. “Thank you! It’s perfect.”
“I know you don’t like anything fancy, so…”
I’d leant up and kissed her, her words getting lost in my kiss.
“It’s perfect,” I’d repeated. “Just like you.”
“Sounds like your parents really know how to push your buttons.” Greg’s voice filtered in to my thoughts.
The conversation had continued without me. I’d been turning Amy’s ring over and over, lost in my thoughts of her. “Sorry?”
“Your mum and dad.”
Another splinter of laughter from Eden’s corner pulled my attention over towards her. She was listening intently to something Beth was telling her, her face a picture of delight.
I stopped turning Amy’s ring. “My parents know exactly how to wind me up.” I drew my eyes away from Eden and back to Greg. “But, no matter,” I said. “One day me and Amy will be together again. I’m going to make sure of that.”
Chapter Three
I was in the library, trying to finish off an essay, when I first spoke to Eden Palmer. Well, kind of spoke to her. It was more like a mumbled garble of words, but never mind. It was an interaction of sorts, at least.
I was hunched over my books, alone, when a crew of girls entered the room and sauntered over to my table. One of them spoke. It was Beth.
“This free?” She dumped her bag onto the table before I’d had a chance to answer. I clumsily gathered up my books, which were scattered across it.
“Help yourself.” I snapped one of the books shut, cursing that I hadn’t thought to look and see what page I was up to.
“I don’t think we’ve met.” The girl raised her chin in greeting to me as she sat down. “I mean, I’ve seen you in biology but we’ve never spoken. So, hi.”
“Yeah, hi.” I mirrored her greeting.
“I’m Beth.” Beth reached into her bag and pulled a folder out. “This is Gabby and Eden.” She rolled a hand in the general direction of the other two girls as they sat down, too.
“Tabby,” I said, looking from one girl to the next.
“Like the cat?” Beth asked.
Yeah, like I’d never heard that one before.
“Like the cat,” I confirmed.
“So, what’s it short for?” Gabby asked.
“Tabitha,” I said, cringing as I always did when I spoke my full name.
“I’d never have you down as being a Tabitha,” Gabby said, looking me up and down. Her disdainful eyes settled briefly on my shirt, half hanging out and with the sleeves rolled up, as always, to reveal my beloved collection of shabby leather bracelets. “No offence.”
“None taken,” I replied truthfully. It wasn’t the first time I’d ever heard that said, either.
Eden hadn’t said a word yet. I glanced towards her and, seeing her steadily watching me, looked quickly away again, feeling a quickening of my heart.
“So you’re not from around here, then.” A statement, not a question.
I looked at Gabby, who’d said it. Libby’s quip about her being more Gobby than Gabby swam into my head. I fought the urge to smile.
“No, I’m not,” I finally answered. “I’m from the northeast. Place called Cragthorne. Near Durham.”
“Wow!” Beth looked as though I just told her I came from Mars. “That’s got to be a culture shock moving to London then, hasn’t it?”
“You could say that,” I said, amused at her expression.
“So what brought you down here?” Beth asked.
“Apart from the train,” Gabby interrupted, pulling a dumb face at Beth.
“My father’s job,” I replied, aware of how much my strong northeast accent was standing out against Gabby and Beth’s flat London ones.
I suddenly wanted Eden to speak, to hear what she sounded like, but she stayed silent.
“What does he do?” Gabby asked.
“Head economist at Global,” I replied.
“Swiss bank in the City,” Beth said, evidently enlightening Gabby.
“Yes, I know.” Gabby flashed a look of irritation towards Beth.
They smiled as they quite blatantly looked me up and down in unison, both processing that little nugget of information. I knew just what they were thinking though: How could a scruffy girl like me possibly have a father who was the head economist at a European bank?
“Did you find it a wrench? Moving?” Eden’s voice punctured the silence.
Her voice was lovely. Soft, measured, and educated—quite unlike Gabby’s and Beth’s. It was warm, too, almost velvety, and made her even lovelier than before. Her eyes held mine as she spoke, totally flummoxing me.
“I…yes,” I stuttered, feeling like I’d just been enveloped by her voice and her eyes. “Wrench. Yes. I mean, it was, yes.” I stared down at my books, my face burning.
We didn’t speak again. Gutted that I’d been unable to string even a few words together in reply, I worked on in silence. Every so often I glanced across at Eden, who sat immediately opposite me. I let my brain filter and process little snippets of information about her each time I did.
Her hair was amazing. She occasionally tucked it behind her ear as she worked, and it was much darker than mine, with soft curls. For some crazy reason I wanted to know if they were natural or not. Her eyes, which had captivated me the first time I’d ever seen her, were now hidden from me as she gazed down at the books in front of her in adorable concentration, allowing me precious time to look at her long enough to fully appreciate her. I started playing a game of chance, testing myself to look at her for longer and longer each time, praying that neither she nor Gabby or Beth would glance up and see me looking.
They didn’t.
I bowed my head and tilted my eyes slightly towards her. All three girls were still busy working.
Eden was wearing a blue-and-white striped long-sleeved T-shirt, the sort of top I favoured myself—quite unlike the garish, revealing tops that Gabby and Beth were wearing. Each time she moved her left arm, I could see a brightly coloured cloth bracelet, similar to one of mine, dangling from her wrist.
I liked it. It suited her.
On the middle finger of her right hand she wore a simple silver band with an unidentifiable green stone in it, the ring sitting perfectly on her long, slender finger.
The sight of her ring compelled me to look down at the one Amy had given me. I felt a stab of guilt as I touched it and thought about her and everything we’d said to one another the night before I left. My memories were swiftly accompanied by a feeling of loneliness, making me look away from Eden and reach down to take my phone from my bag. Hiding it under the desk, I fired off a text to Amy, telling her I loved her and was thinking about her, assuaging only some of my guilt.
I reluctantly returned to my books, knowing that I needed to concentrate on them rather than on Eden. I hated myself at that moment. My girlfriend was 300 miles away, missing me, and here I was, sitting in the library trying to make eye contact with a girl who’d barely said three words to me. I looked down at the desk, my book open at the same page it had been for the last ten minutes.
Time to concentrate.
If on
ly it was that easy.
How could I focus on my books when Eden was doing this amazingly cute thing of chewing on her bottom lip while she wrote, making my insides flutter?
Finally, after what seemed like just five minutes but was probably more like an hour, Eden leant back in her chair. She linked her fingers and stretched her arms out straight in front of her. Stifling a yawn, she snapped her books shut, then roughly shoved them into her bag, scraping her chair back and standing up.
“I’m done,” she said. She looped her bag over her head and diagonally onto her shoulder. “Catch you all later.”
And she was gone.
I’m done.
That was all she’d said.
I followed her retreating back as she picked her way around the other tables in the library and made for the exit door. I glanced at Beth and Gabby. Both had their heads bowed over their books, oblivious to the fact their friend had left. I looked back at the space Eden had just vacated, wishing she’d come back again. She didn’t.
Any hope of more work was over for me after that. Instead, I sat staring down at my books, thinking about the one sentence she’d said to me, and rueing the fact I hadn’t even been able to answer her coherently. She must have thought I was a complete idiot! I stared blankly at the desk, thinking about the sound of her voice, how her eyes had secured mine when she’d asked me the question, and how it had made my head spin. It had been the shortest and simplest of questions, yet I kept replaying it over and over, wishing we’d spoken more than we had, and wondering just how Eden Palmer had managed to get under my skin in so short a space of time.
Chapter Four
“It’s hell.” I squinted at a book on the shelf in front of me. “Well, it’s hell without you, anyway.”
“How can London be hell?” Amy’s laugh filtered down through my phone. “Isn’t it supposed to be the place everyone wants to be?”
“Not me.”
I was in the library. It was a week after I’d sat with Eden, Gabby, and Beth, and Eden had asked me that question which I’d been unable to answer lucidly.
And three days after she’d smiled at me in the corridor and I’d walked into the lockers.
