Because of Her

by KE Payne

  Time, it appeared, refused to march on.

  Finally, the doorbell rang and Eden was at my house. I opened the door, suddenly half-expecting to see her with Marcus after all. She was alone. She looked shy. Nervous, even. Adorable.

  How could I have ever been angry with her?

  “Sorry, come in,” I said. I was just staring at her. She stepped up into the hall, and I caught the usual brief but lovely smell of her perfume as she came past me.

  “Wanna come up to my room or stay down here?” I asked. I motioned towards the lounge door.

  “Are your parents in?” Eden asked. “I thought you said…”

  “Relax, they’re still out,” I said. “They’ve gone to the theatre, with dinner afterwards. They’ll be gone for hours yet.”

  “And your brother’s out, too?” Eden looked to the lounge door.

  “Yup,” I said. “God knows where, but knowing Ed, we won’t be seeing him till the early hours either.” I saw her relax a little. “Want a drink?”

  Eden shook her head. “Can we go upstairs?” she asked.

  “Sure.” I stepped up onto the first stair and looked back at her. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” She smiled uncertainly.

  We climbed the stairs in silence and entered my room, Eden looking around as she came in.

  “Nice room,” she said. “Big.”

  “It’s all right, yeah,” I said, sitting on my bed. “Nice view of the park out front in the daytime.” I jabbed my thumb towards the window.

  She stood, shyly, I thought, in the middle of my room.

  “Sit here?” I patted the bed next to me. “Or there’s a chair behind you.”

  Eden turned round, looked at the chair, then back to face me. “I’m okay,” she said. “You’ve been having a good evening, by the look of it.” She lifted her chin towards my half-empty bottle of beer, still on my bedside cabinet where I’d left it.

  “I don’t usually…”

  “Can I?” Eden walked over and picked the bottle up. She drank from it, and shivers tingled down my spine at seeing her drink from the same bottle I’d just drunk from, her lips touching the same glass my lips had.

  “So how was your date tonight?” I spoke, just to break the silence.

  “It was all right.”

  “Just all right?” She was looking down at the floor, so I lowered my head to try and make eye contact. “And Marcus?”

  “Fine.” Finally she lifted her head and looked at me. “I left early, actually.”

  “Oh?” My heart gave a small leap. “Why?”

  “I didn’t want to be there any more.”

  “I see.”

  “I like your picture.” She wandered away from me and over to the wall opposite my bed. She swung the beer bottle idly and looked up at an old black-and-white poster I had of the Eiffel Tower, in various stages of construction.

  “Amy bought it for me,” I said. “Christmas before last.”

  “It’s nice.”

  “Thank you.” I took a deep breath. “Why did you leave your date with Marcus early? Didn’t you hit it off?”

  “I told you,” she replied. She drank from my bottle again but didn’t turn to face me. “I didn’t want to be there.”

  “So…” I said. “You came here instead?”

  “Looks like it.” She was still looking at my poster. “I love the way the shadows bounce off the side of the tower here, don’t you?”

  “Why are you here, Eden?”

  She didn’t answer. Instead, she just stared at the wall in front of her, biting at her lip, deep in thought.

  “I don’t want to be your friend any more, Tabby,” she finally said.

  The skin on the back of my neck prickled. Cold and piercing, like Eden herself had stabbed me with a million pins.

  “What?”

  “I don’t want to hang out with you as your friend any more,” Eden repeated, still staring at the wall. “I don’t wanna have coffee with you as a friend, or go eat tapas as a friend, or come around here as a friend.” At last she turned and faced me. “Our friendship—it’s over.”

  Chapter Thirty-five

  “Have I done something wrong?” I stared open-mouthed at her. “I mean, I know I was out of order being annoyed with you for going out tonight, but that’s only ’cos I’d got pizza in and I’d kinda thought you wanted to hang out with me and I was pissed ’cos you didn’t.” I was burbling. I couldn’t help it.

  “You were pissed off with me for going out with Marcus tonight?” Eden asked.

  I didn’t answer. Instead I said, “Don’t you like me?” My voice was strained. “I kinda thought we got on okay, you know?”

  “We do.” She stared down at the bottle in her hands. “I had this all sorted in my head on the way over here,” she said. “Exactly what I wanted to say to you, how I was gonna say it.” She gave a small laugh. “Now I’m here, all I can talk about is your bloody poster.”

  She breathed out slowly, then swallowed hard. “I don’t want to be your friend any more. I want to be your girlfriend. I want to hang out with you as your girlfriend. I want us to have Saturday morning coffee dates as girlfriends. I want you to come drink beer with me as my girlfriend.” She drank back some beer, as if for moral support.

  I stared at her, my pulse thudding in my temple.

  “I only want to be your friend at school,” she continued. “Outside school I want us to be more.” She looked at me, her face a mixture of worry and dread.

  I couldn’t speak, too shocked by what she’d just said.

  “Please say something.” Eden stood awkwardly in front of me in the middle of my room. “I really like you, Tabby, and if I’m right—and I think I am right—you like me, too.”

  I nodded, very slowly. “Very good,” I said. “Very convincing.”

  “I’m sorry?” Eden’s face fell.

  “I know what you’re doing,” I said, leaning back on my elbows. “The game you’re playing.”

  “Game? This isn’t a game, Tabby.” Eden’s voice caught in her throat. “This is about as far from being a game as you could imagine.”

  “And you expect me to believe that?”

  “What?” Eden said, suddenly angry. She put the bottle down on my desk. “I’ve been petrified about telling you that I like you, and you think it’s all a joke?”

  “I do,” I said. “And I think Gabby and Beth have put you up to it.”

  “I’m standing here, pouring my heart out to you, feeling like I’m going to faint at any moment ’cos I’m so fucking nervous, and you think I’m doing it to be funny? To have a laugh at your expense?” Her face crumpled. “Well, thanks. Thanks for nothing.” She stalked to the door.

  I got up from my bed and moved towards her.

  Don’t let her leave.

  “So, what about the date with Marcus tonight?” I asked.

  “I was pushed into seeing him by Beth and Gabby,” Eden replied. She leant against the wall next to my door, looking completely beaten. “They just went on and on about it—drip, drip, drip—until I thought I was going to scream. All the comments, the innuendo, all the little digs. So I agreed to meet him just to shut them both up.”

  “You looked like you were up for it when I saw you at school,” I said. The words hurt.

  “You have no idea how I felt!” Eden responded fiercely. “There wasn’t any part of me that wanted to go out with him.”

  “Seriously?”

  “I swear.”

  “And they didn’t put you up to this? For a joke?” I asked. “Come on to stupid, small-town, gay Tabby? See if you can make her fall for you, and then have a good laugh about it?”

  “For shit’s sake, Tabby!” Eden looked exasperated. “Do you think I’m chained to those two? Do you think my whole life revolves around them?” She stared at me, furious. “More importantly, do you really think I’m that much of a bitch? That I could ever do something like that?”

  I stared at her.
<
br />   Answer her, Tab.

  I couldn’t.

  “That’s not me,” she said. “That’s not who I am. And if you think I could ever do something as nasty as that—and to you, of all people—then you so don’t know me.” She pushed away from the wall. “And that really fucking hurts, ’cos I think you’re awesome.”

  “I thought…”

  She glared at me. “I’m seventeen, Tabby. And yeah, I’m confused, but I’m old enough to know I don’t play games with people.” She yanked the door open. “Just forget I ever said anything.”

  “Eden, wait!” I went to her and put my hand over hers, stopping her from going any further. “I’m sorry.”

  I pushed the door shut again and put myself between it and her, worried she’d try to leave again.

  “You really like me?” I asked.

  “I do,” Eden said. “I spent the whole time I was with Marcus tonight just thinking about you.” She lowered her eyes. “The only good thing about going out with him tonight was it gave me the kick up the arse I needed. I sat looking at him, just wishing I was with you instead.”

  “For real?”

  “For real.” Eden swallowed. “He wanted to kiss me, but I knew I didn’t want to kiss him because…” Her voice went quiet. “Anyway, I bailed on him. Told him I had a headache.”

  “Poor guy.”

  Yeah, right.

  “This is so weird, telling another girl I like her,” Eden said. “But I do like you. A lot. And the more time I’ve spent with you, the more I’ve realized that.”

  “Really?” A feeling in my stomach. Nice.

  “Really, truly, honestly. Even though I’ve never fancied another girl before,” Eden said. “So I don’t know why I’ve got so drawn to you. But I have.” She looked at me. “Something about you stood out the first time I met you, then stayed. I tried to shake it off, but it kept coming back.” She looked like she might cry.

  She didn’t, though.

  Instead, she gazed up towards the ceiling, breathing hard. “I can’t stay away from you,” she eventually said, lowering her head and looking straight at me. “I don’t want to stay away from you. You make my heart do this crazy-stupid thumping whenever I see you, and I’ve never had that with anyone before.” The words tumbled out one after the other. “All I know is lately you’re all I think about. It scares and excites me and confuses me that you’re on my mind all the time, but I like thinking about you, and there doesn’t seem to be a thing I can do about it. You have to believe me when I tell you I’m not playing games with you,” she said. “This is me telling you I like you, and I want you, and…and I wish you’d bloody well say something!” she said, laughing shyly. “Please tell me I’ve said all the right things.” She looked away, unable to meet my eyes any longer.

  I shouldered away from the door, my legs feeling curiously unstable. This wasn’t happening, was it? This was just my imagination running riot yet again. I reached over and took her hands, waiting for her eyes to return to mine. I ran my thumbs over her skin; they felt real, warm, and soft.

  No, it was happening, all right. She was really here, saying all the things I’d been wanting to say to her for so long but hadn’t dared to.

  “You’re shaking,” I said.

  “I’m terrified.”

  I took a deep breath and looked down at our entwined fingers.

  “The first time I saw you,” I eventually said, “that was it. I just knew I wanted to get to know you better.”

  “I don’t remember…”

  “Why would you?” I said. “But I noticed you. So, firstly, in answer to your question of whether or not I like you, then yes. I do. A lot.”

  Eden’s face flushed endearingly.

  “Secondly, I think you’re the most awesome, beautiful, funny, clever, and the nicest person I’ve ever met, and I thank God that my parents dragged me down to London, or else I’d have never met you,” I said. “And that would be unthinkable.”

  “Beautiful and funny, huh?”

  “Yup.” I squeezed her hands. “And I’m sorry I thought you were doing this as a joke, to wind me up, or that Gobby and Beth were involved somehow. I just couldn’t ever imagine that you would feel the same way about me.”

  “They’re my oldest friends,” Eden said. “We’ve known each other since we were thirteen. But that’s not to say they know every tiny detail about me.” She gazed at me. “My life doesn’t begin and end with those two, Tabby.”

  “But I thought—”

  “Maybe once,” Eden said. “But we’re older now. I keep more to myself just lately.”

  “Like the fencing?”

  “There’s loads they don’t know about me,” Eden said, “and I want it to stay that way.” She stepped closer. “They’re not the most important things in my life any more. You are,” she continued. “You do believe me, don’t you?”

  “I do, yes,” I said. “Okay, maybe not to begin with, but I do now.”

  “Good,” Eden said. “It’s important you trust me.”

  “So where do we go from here?”

  “You can kiss me,” she said. “If you want to, that is.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly.

  Eden didn’t reply. Instead, she slowly released my hands and put her arms around my waist, pulling me closer to her. “I’m nervous,” she said, gazing at me with a look so melting, it was all I could do not to kiss her, there and then.

  “Never kissed a girl before, hey?” I brushed her hair from her face.

  “No, just never kissed someone I fancied so much before.” Eden lowered her eyes.

  Okay, that worked for me.

  Without another word, I took her face in my hands and leant my head forward. I pressed my lips to hers, feeling them part slightly as I did. They felt warm and soft against mine, with a faintly sweet taste that made my senses explode like fireworks. I kissed her tentatively to begin with, worried she’d change her mind mid-kiss and back off. She responded just as I hoped she would. She kissed me back confidently, wrapping her arms tighter round me and moving her hips against mine, forcing me back against the wall.

  “Wow,” I said as we broke away. “For someone so nervous, you sure kiss well.”

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” Eden said. She rested her head on my shoulder and sighed.

  “You okay?” I pulled my head back and looked down at her, worried by her sigh. “Didn’t you like it?”

  “It was perfect.” Eden lifted her head. “It was nice. Just like I imagined it would be.”

  “You’ve imagined this?” I asked.

  “Lots of times.”

  Hell, yeah.

  “Want to do it again?” I asked. My insides flipped over when Eden nodded.

  We locked eyes, both gazing tenderly and shyly at one another again. Slowly, Eden bent her head and brushed her lips lightly against mine, then more forcefully, just like before. Her tongue grazed against mine, making me kiss her back more hungrily, my fingers running up and down her back, pulling her tight against me.

  Our foreheads met, both of us with our eyes closed. She was real. She was here, and she was in my arms, exactly where I wanted her to be. And she liked me! How awesome was that? Those agonizing months and weeks and days and nights just thinking about her, wanting her, all melted away as we held one another, heads still touching.

  “Is this real?” I said, thinking aloud. “Did you really just tell me you liked me?”

  “Mm-hmm,” Eden said. She unlinked her arms from my waist and led me by the hand to my bed.

  She sat down, and I followed.

  “I can’t believe I had the guts to say anything to you,” she said. “I’m glad I did, though. I’ve been so worried about telling you, wondering what you’d say. But I knew if I didn’t tell you how I felt, I’d regret it.”

  She wriggled herself backwards and leant against my wall, her long legs kicked out in front of her. I mirrored her action, propping myself against the wall to sit next to he
r, and put my hand on her leg.

  “I think you telling me you’d split up with Amy gave me the nerve to do something,” she said, watching my fingers trace up and down her leg. “I suppose all the while you were with her, I knew you wouldn’t look twice at me. So I ignored what I was feeling for you.”

  “If you knew you liked me, why did you go out with Marcus tonight?” I asked, playfully digging my fingers into her skin and making her squeal. “I know you felt pressured into it by Gobby and Beth, but did you really have to go?”

  “I didn’t have to go, no,” Eden said. “But apart from getting them off my back, I guess I also thought if I did go out with him, it might help me forget about you, and my feelings for you.” She stopped. “Perhaps I thought I might fancy him after a night out with him. Stupid, really.”

  “Maybe,” I said. “Was it awful?”

  “I was miserable because I was missing you,” Eden said. “I felt absolutely nothing, even though Marcus is a lovely guy, and he’ll make someone an amazing boyfriend.” She looked at me. “But he’s not you, is he?”

  “Guess not.” I traced my hand up and down her leg again.

  “I’ll have fun explaining why I stood him up to Gabby and Beth, though.” She pulled a face. “Sometimes I wish they’d just keep the fuck out of my life.”

  “Well, in fairness—and I’m not backing them up here, ’cos I can’t stand the pair of them—they don’t know you like girls, do they?” I said.

  “Girl, singular,” Eden corrected. “Not girls, plural.”

  “Never even a hint of it before?” I teased. “Not even the teensiest attraction to another girl?”

  Eden thought for a moment. “Maybe I’ve been curious before,” she admitted. “But never curious enough to do anything about it.” She looked at me. “Until you.”

  “And William?”

  “What about him?”

  “No attraction there either?” I asked.

  “Nah.” She laughed. “Sometimes I even thought I was missing some sort of sexuality gene, you know? Up here.” She tapped at the side of her head. “I felt numb with William, like something was missing. I thought it was just that he wasn’t The One, but then I felt numb with Marcus tonight as well.” She took my hand. “You’re the only one who’s ever made me feel anything,” she said. “I’ve seen other girls before and thought they were nice, but I’ve never wanted to find out if that meant I was attracted to them. Does that make sense?”