by G. R. Lyons
What if they hate me for it? For not telling them? For what I did?
They won't, she assured him. They love you, Graeden.
Graeden nodded, quickly arranging a tray and carrying it to the coffee table. He started to sit down across from his family, then got up and paced again.
“Grae, what's wrong, sweetie?” his mother asked, sipping at her coffee. “What did you want to tell us?”
Graeden glanced at the time and paced again. “We're still waiting for someone.”
He saw his family share questioning looks, but no one said anything. He thought his grandfather might already know, depending on how much Graeden had accidentally projected the moment his memories returned, but thankfully Benash remained silent, waiting for Graeden's explanation.
Zhadeyn got up and stood beside him.
“It'll be alright,” she murmured.
“But what if…What if he's angry?” he asked quietly.
Zhadeyn shook her head and started to answer, but got interrupted by a knock at the door.
ZHADEYN LOOKED at Graeden as he froze, tensing up at the sound of the knock.
“I'll get it,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze and going to the door.
Graeden turned his back on the door, bowing his head while he tried to get his breath under control. Zhadeyn opened the door and peeked outside, seeing a middle-aged woman in the hallway.
“Mrs. Newar?”
“Yes,” the woman said with a smile.
“Please, come in.”
Zhadeyn stood back, and watched as the woman stepped inside, leading a young boy by the hand. She closed the door, and saw Graeden take a deep breath and straighten up before he turned around to face them.
The little boy's face lit up with delight.
“DADDY!”
Graeden dropped to his knees and caught the boy as he ran into his arms.
“Oh, gods, Elli,” Graeden said, squeezing his eyes shut as tears streamed down his face. “Gods, I've missed you so much.”
Chapter 36
GRAEDEN HELD his son, feeling the little arms squeeze him tight around the neck while he rocked him side to side.
“Daddy, you were gone so long!” Elli pouted.
“I know,” he breathed. “I know. I am so, so sorry. So sorry. I'll never leave you like that again.”
Elli pulled back, keeping his hands clasped around Graeden's neck, and looked up at him with a trembling lip.
“Promise?”
“I promise. Absolutely.”
The boy hugged him again, and Graeden sighed with relief, silently thanking all the gods. He glanced up and saw Zhadeyn hold out a hand to his family behind him, silently asking them to wait, and Graeden closed his eyes again, enjoying the moment.
“Daddy, guess what?”
“What, Elli?”
“I drew you a picture!”
“You did?” Graeden asked, letting go of him as the boy pulled away, pulling off his backpack and squatting on the ground to open it.
Elli unzipped the bag and pulled out a sheet of paper, perching on Graeden's lap as he handed it to him.
Graeden looked at the landscape drawing, and blinked several times before he could speak.
He looked up at Mrs. Newar and asked, “He drew this?”
Mrs. Newar smiled. “He's very talented. Just like his father. He found that sketch you made, last time you visited before you went to Tanas, and just kept copying it over and over until he was satisfied with it.”
Graeden looked at his son, shaking his head.
“This is amazing,” he said, hugging him to his side.
“Do you like it?” the little boy asked.
“I love it.”
“Can we put it up on the fridge?”
“Yes,” Graeden said, looking down at his son. “Yes, this is absolutely going up on the fridge.”
Elli pulled out of his embrace and dug into his backpack again. “I brought you magnets, since Mrs. Newar said you didn't have any.”
Graeden lifted his son up onto his hip and carried him to the kitchen, feeling his family's eyes on them. He ignored them for a moment, not wanting to interrupt this time with his son, and held the drawing up against the refrigerator.
“There?”
“No, higher!” the boy said with a smile. “Where you can see it.”
Graeden moved the drawing up higher, and Elli leaned forward, pressing magnets to the corners.
“This is really, really good, do you know that?” Graeden said, hugging the boy again. “Thank you.”
He heard a soft cough behind him, and knew that the time had come for explanations.
“Can you do Daddy a huge favor?” he asked, and the boy nodded. “I need to go talk to these people for a few minutes.”
“Grown up talk?”
“Yes, grown up talk. Why don't you go sit at Daddy's desk and draw me another picture, alright?”
“Really?”
Graeden set him down and saw Mrs. Newar go over to the desk with Elli's backpack, laying out paper and colored pencils. The boy ran to her and climbed up into the chair, Mrs. Newar adjusting it to his level. Graeden watched the boy eagerly go to work, and thought he'd never be able to take his eyes off him.
With a deep breath, he turned away, stepped down into the living room, sat down on the top step, and hung his head in his hands.
“I am so sorry,” he murmured, looking down at the floor. He scrubbed his hands over his face and sat up as straight as he could manage. “I wanted to tell you about him from the beginning, but…Well, first, I just couldn't, and then…then there was just…so much shame.”
“Ashamed of him?” his mother asked. “Graeden, you couldn't possibly–”
“Gods, no! Not ashamed of him. No, he's the only thing that's kept me going the past few years. If it weren't for him, I…I don't know what I would have done.” He paused, shaking his head. “No, not ashamed of him. I was ashamed because I–” Graeden paused, took a deep breath, and said, “Because I killed his mother.”
Chapter 37
GRAEDEN BRACED himself, heard nothing more than a sharp intake of breath, and slowly looked up, seeing the shocked and questioning looks on everyone's faces.
“Do you remember Lorel Suleta?” he asked.
His mother frowned, thinking, and asked, “The girl you were dating right after your internship?”
Graeden nodded. “Lorel was…Well, I thought she was everything I'd always wanted. Smart, funny, beautiful, talented. Always so supportive of my work. Always happy and smiling, like nothing in the world could get her down.
“At first, everything was great. We didn't get to see each other often because of our jobs, but when we were together, things were amazing. Then, as we both got a little settled down in our work, and had more time to spend together, she started changing. Or so I thought.”
Graeden took a deep breath before he continued. “We were able to see each other more, but there were days at a stretch when she'd refuse to see me. I'd call her and she'd yell at me. All of it utter nonsense. I couldn't understand a word of it. Then I wouldn't hear from her for a few days, until suddenly, she was back, happy and smiling and acting like nothing had happened.
“I tried to ignore it, but her behavior just got more strange as time went on. Disappearing for several days, then acting like she hadn't ignored my calls when we finally got together. Then we'd go along fine for a few days, and then she'd start throwing a tantrum and disappear again.
“When we were together, though, things were just so…perfect. She was supportive and attentive to my every need, always eager to ask me about my work. We'd laugh for hours, or she could just sit there silently and look at the stars after we made love.
“When she got pregnant…” Graeden trailed off and took another deep breath, shaking his head. “I wasn't ready. I'd seen her take contraceptive pills, so I just never thought about it. I found out later that she'd stopped taking the pills without telling me, but as it was, she was pregnant, and
I couldn't bear the thought of just walking away. So, we moved her in here, I took on extra patients so we could keep up with the bills, and everything was wonderful. That whole year, she was the most pleasant person you could ever imagine. Always excited to see me come home, always happy and smiling, even through the aches and morning sickness. It was like a dream, and I tried to wrap my mind around the idea of being a father.
“Then Elli came, and the first time I held him…”
He looked up at his family, and saw them all smiling reminiscently, knowing how he'd felt in that moment.
“I was lost,” he said. “He was just the most perfect thing in the world.”
Graeden glanced across the room at his son, cheerfully sketching away. Graeden smiled, looking at him, then his smile faded as he turned back to his family.
“As soon as Lorel and Elli came home, though, everything changed again. She was angry all the time, screaming at me and throwing things. The baby would cry and she'd get furious, screaming at him, threatening to hurt him. It got to the point that I was terrified to go to work, wondering what was happening in my absence.
“But I had to keep working, supporting my family. If I even hinted at taking a day off, Lorel would have a fit.
“Things went on like that for weeks, with Lorel only getting more and more violent. Every day, I was cleaning up broken glass and throwing out torn sheets, and just trying to do whatever it took to get her to calm down.
“All the while, I wanted to tell you about Elli, but I couldn't. When she first got pregnant, Lorel said she wanted to wait until she at least got past three months, just in case she miscarried. After that, she said she wanted to wait until he was born, and I went along with it. Plus, I was just so damned busy. Working extra hours, trying to keep up with expenses, there were days I'd come home and go straight to bed because it was so late and I just couldn't move anymore, let alone think about calling you.
“After that…I was dying to tell you about him once he was born. But Lorel flat refused. She wouldn't allow visitors of any sort, and wanted nothing to do with my family, since she had no family herself. And with her being so violent and angry all the time…Well, I couldn't bear the thought of you all coming here and seeing that.”
Graeden fell silent, looking to Zhadeyn, who gave him an encouraging smile.
“One day,” he continued, “she told me she was going to put the baby in daycare and go shopping. While she was gone, I arranged for Eastside Security to come in and install hidden cameras, just in case.” He paused, looking at his father with a grimace. “I couldn't call Hawkeye. I couldn't let it get around to you, have you start asking me questions I wasn't ready to answer.”
Charlie Crawford gave him an understanding nod, and waved his hand for Graeden to continue.
Graeden took another deep breath, clasped his hands in his lap, and said, “When Elli was five months old, I came home from work and saw Lorel…holding Elli on her hip…and a knife in her hand.” He paused, his chest tight as he said, “Elli was already bleeding.”
His mother gasped, her eyes wide as she looked over at the boy, then back at Graeden.
Clearing his throat, Graeden went on: “Lorel was screaming about…something. I don't even know what. But she kept waving the knife at me and holding it up to Elli's throat. There was a lot of screaming, a lot of pleading. Somehow…Gods, I don't even know how…Somehow, I convinced her to put the baby down. When she did, she came after me, swinging the knife at my face.”
His mother gasped again and pressed her hands to her mouth.
“I just kept ducking out of the way, trying to keep the furniture between us, and trying to figure out a way to grab Elli and get out of here. But she just kept coming, screaming and swinging the knife.”
Graeden looked over at Zhadeyn again, and she nodded.
“I saw an opening,” he continued, “and when she came at me, I ran and pushed her out of the way. I heard a strange noise but didn't think much of it. All I could think was that I had to get Elli and get out. I grabbed him and ran for the door, and then realized it was too quiet.”
Graeden paused, looking at the floor at the other end of the coffee table.
“Lorel was lying on the ground, not moving, but her eyes were open. It finally occurred to me that the noise I'd heard was the sound of a skull striking a hard surface. I kicked the knife out of the way, lay Elli back down, and checked on Lorel.
“She had a pulse, and she was breathing, but she had absolutely no response to stimuli. No pupil reaction to light, no reflex response, nothing.
“I panicked. I called the hospital, had them send up a gurney, and took her down to the emergency room. On the way, we happened to pass Mrs. Newar—she runs a daycare service for the hospital here—and she agreed to watch Elli while I checked on Lorel.
“But it was too late. We ran multiple scans, tried everything we could think of, but she was beyond help. The trauma to her brain left her vegetative.
“I couldn't bring myself to take her off life support, so I had her admitted, and paid for her care, monitoring her daily, but nothing ever changed. For three years, she lay in that bed, completely unresponsive. She'd never let me examine her before, but while she was like that, I ran some tests.” He paused and shook his head. “A simple chemical imbalance. Entirely treatable. Everything would have been fine, if she'd only let me…but she didn't.” He paused again, and sighed. “Then, she finally died on her own, and that's why I went to Tanas.”
Graeden looked up at his grandfather. “I had to run away. I had to escape. And with that opportunity available at the moment, I took it. Lorel's death was…Well, I felt somehow both chained and free at the same time. Chained, because of the guilt I felt, but free because now I could finally move on.”
“But Graeden,” his mother said, sitting forward, “it was an accident, wasn't it?”
Graeden nodded, laughing bitterly. “That's what Zhadeyn kept telling me. I knew it was, but it never felt like it. It felt…like it was all my fault. I'm a doctor, for the gods' sakes, and I'd hurt someone. Permanently! And there was nothing I could do to save her. I was…guilty and helpless.” Graeden took a deep breath and sat up a little straighter. “But, on the security recordings, I pushed her and then she tripped. Just an accident.”
He looked over at his son again, and said, “Mrs. Newar was kind enough to accept a temporary arrangement, though neither of us were sure just how long that 'temporary' might be. She cared for him while I worked, and I got to see him every day.” He looked back at his family, clenching his hands. “That's why I never had time to see you all. I had to make time for him. I couldn't bear the thought of going a day without seeing him. But when Lorel died, I just…I had to get away. I wasn't in the right state of mind to be a good father to him, so I went away, hoping to distract myself, get some time to clear my head, and hoping he wouldn't hate me when I came back–”
“Daddy, Daddy, look!”
Elli came running over, waving a piece of paper. He crashed into Graeden, who caught him and swung him around, planting the boy on his lap.
“Gods, you're getting big there, kiddo,” he said. “What's this?”
The boy handed him the drawing, and pointed at it. “See, that's you, and that's me, and we're at the pool by the big statues, looking at the fish. Can we go see the fish, Daddy? Please?”
“Yes, of course we can go see the fish.”
“Hooray!”
“But first,” Graeden said, setting the drawing on the table, “I want you to meet these people. Is that alright?”
The boy nodded, and Graeden looked up at his family, all wearing eager smiles on their faces. Graeden turned Elli around on his lap and faced him toward them.
“I'm your daddy,” Graeden said, and the boy nodded. “Well, this is my daddy. Your grandfather.”
The boy's face lit up. “I have a grampa?”
He launched off Graeden's lap and onto Charlie's, hugging him around the neck. Charlie laughed and h
ugged him back, then pointed at Saira. “And this is your grandmother.”
“I have a gramma too?” the boy shrieked, throwing himself at Saira. Graeden's mother rocked him back and forth, a brilliant smile on her face. “Does that mean we can make cookies?”
“Yes,” Saira said with a laugh, pinching his cheeks. “We can definitely make cookies.”
“Hooray!”
“And this,” Saira went on, pointing at Benash, “is my father. Your great-grandfather.”
The boy stared at Benash with awe, and gave him a hug, then turned around and sat on Benash's lap with a huge smile on his face.
“This is the best day ever!”
Everyone laughed, and Elli hopped down off Benash's lap and went to stand before Graeden.
“Daddy?”
“Yes, Elli?”
The boy put his hands behind his back and lowered his head. “Is Mommy ever coming back?”
The whole room instantly sobered, and Graeden had to take a deep breath before he answered, “No, kiddo. I'm sorry.”
“Where did she go?”
“Well,” Graeden said, putting one arm around him while he pointed toward the ceiling. “She went up to be with the gods, in the Void and the Everlasting Fire.”
“Oh.” The boy frowned, thinking. “Is she happy there?”
Graeden paused a moment before he answered, “I think so.”
“That's good,” Elli said, not looking the least bit sad. Then he got shy again and asked, “Daddy, does that mean I can have another mommy?”
Graeden stared at him for a moment, then asked carefully, “Do you want another mommy?”
“Uh ha!” He turned and looked around the room, then pointed at Zhadeyn. “Can she be my mommy?”
Graeden passed a hand over his face, resisting the urge to laugh. “Do you want her to be your mommy?”
Elli nodded. “She looks nice. Do you like her, Daddy?”
“I like her very much.”
“Daddy,” he said, then leaned in close and whispered loudly, “would you ask her to be my mommy?”
All around the room, everyone started to laugh and covered their mouths, trying to be quiet.
