by Lacey Silks
Xavier’s eyes sparked with an emotion I hadn’t seen before. It was mixed with a need and a sense of urgency at the same time.
“Xavier, I’m sorry… you know that we can’t…”
“I know. Still, I’m grateful for having you here the past year, and I wouldn’t change the time we’ve had for anything. All I want is for you to be happy and for Hope to be healthy.” His gaze shifted to the side. “I think she’ll be okay now, and I guess it’s time for me to make sure that you’re happy as well. I realize that the only way to do that is to get you to John.”
I was happy and sad at the same time. I was grateful for my new friendships, and I would forever be indebted to both Jack and Mary until the day I died. And Xavier, who had sacrificed not only his personal life and space but had also given me everything an expectant mother needed and so much more, would forever hold a special place in my heart. I knew I wouldn’t have survived New York without him. If it weren’t for him, that constant emptiness in my heart would have been unbearable. I didn’t know how, but somehow Xavier managed to soothe the pain.
“I am happy. I just think that I’m too happy. And guilty. I feel guilty as well. I need to see John.”
“I’ll send someone next week to check for us, but we should still wait a few more months, at least until maybe we can leave Hope with Mary. Anna, I’ve heard the rumors about what happened to Mikey firsthand, and I think I would die if anything like that ever happened to Hope.”
I felt shivers cover my arms. They swept there first before marching through my body like an army, shouting with warning.
“Okay, if Mary can take care of Hope in two months, we’ll go. No matter what. Please promise me that, Xavier. I don’t think I can stand keeping her away from John much longer.”
When he looked up, I saw a shade of sadness pass across his eyes. It broke my heart. I shouldn’t have let him kiss me like that. I shouldn’t have given him any hope when there was none. Yet at that moment, I’d felt my heart beat with an argument stronger than a thousand comets falling all at once.
“I promise that when Hope is well and September comes, I’ll take you to see John. I will go with you to Pace to tell him about his daughter, and I’ll do everything to ensure our trip is safe.”
“I’m sorry, Xavier.”
“For what? You need to stop apologizing for… for feeling. You did nothing wrong.”
“I’m hurting you by staying here. I know I’m confusing you.”
I was confused as well. While my heart yearned for John, it also ached for Xavier. The past year I’d spent here had tied me to this man more than I’d realized.
“You’ve done nothing to confuse me, Anna. What a heart wants is what a heart wants. I can’t change that, and neither can you.”
Was it me that his heart wanted? On some level, I wanted him to need me as much as I needed him. I wanted him to feel that fulfillment I felt when I was in his caring arms. But it was wrong. John was supposed to be the one whose support I needed, not Xavier.
“He’ll want to come with me. If I’m coming back, I’m not coming back alone, Xavier. I’m coming back with John. Do you understand what that means?”
It was like the unspoken truth we’d lived with for the past few months had finally been set free. I was slowly falling for another man whose heart I would inevitably break, and I had no choice but to do so. I had no choice but to introduce my daughter to her father, who despite not knowing that she even existed, I was sure loved her with his whole heart.
“I understand. He needs to know, and you need a fair chance.”
Feeling pain tread on the tip of his tongue, I nodded. “We’ll go in September then,” I said. “I’ll talk to Mary.”
“And I’ll start planning the trip.”
This time, the shadow of sadness completely filled his eyes. It pained me to see him hurt. I wanted to say I’m sorry, but that would be like saying that I didn’t want to see John, and I wanted that more than anything. I wanted him to know how it felt to hold Hope in his arms. I wanted to see his reaction when he saw her smile or when she reached another one of her milestones. What I didn’t expect was for time to steal another three months from our lives. I didn’t expect that the time to repay my debts would come earlier than I’d planned.
The click of a nightlight woke me up in the middle of the night. I saw Xavier sit down on the bed beside me.
“Is it time yet?”
“No,” he shook his head. “Two more days, Anna, and Ben will be out of town.”
Xavier had had someone sneak into and watch Pace for over a month now, and he’d been receiving encrypted messages from Tucson ever since. I didn’t understand any of it, but apparently the Cortez family was going out of town for some sort of a reunion in Mexico. We were set to leave in two days, once they were gone.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Mary needs you. Cameron’s been rushed to the hospital.”
I sat up straight in my bed, the news shaking through me. For a brief moment, I had that awful feeling I’d sometimes experienced, as if someone were ripping my baby out of my arms. Xavier gently touched me on the shoulder, and the torment passed.
“Get dressed. I’ve got Hope’s diaper bag ready.”
I’d never gotten ready that quickly in my life. Pushing the stroller through the hospital hallway took forever. I parked it with my sleeping baby in a darker area against the wall where Cameron was staying and tiptoed to Mary. She couldn’t even get up from her seat, and so I pulled up a chair to hers.
“What happened?”
“Cameron’s sick. He’s very sick, Anna. I don’t know what we’re going to do.” She cried quietly into my neck. Dressed in a hospital gown, Cameron was sleeping in a bed at her side. “They did blood work and scans already. They gave him some medicine to reduce the fever, but the doctor said…”
“Mary, it will be all right, I promise,” Jack told his wife. From the corner of my eye, I saw Xavier shudder.
“Jack, what’s happening with Cameron?” Xavier asked.
“He has chronic kidney failure. It’s apparently something he’s had since birth, but it was never caught.”
“Fuck!”
I’d never heard Xavier swear like that, and while the word would have normally offended me, this time all I felt was respect for a man who cared about his friends more than he did about himself.
“What does that mean?” Xavier asked.
“We’re waiting for the doctor. He should be here any minute now.”
But instead of waiting, Xavier grabbed a chart that hung over Cameron’s bed and began flipping through the pages.
“Shit,” he mumbled, then scrolled through some more. Jack joined him at his side and lowered a new set of glasses. I hadn’t seen him wear glasses before.
“What is it?” Jack asked.
“How about we wait for the doctor?” Xavier asked. “I… I may be wrong. I want to be wrong. I don’t want to make a mistake.”
“All right.”
The next ten minutes stretched as we sat in that dimly lit room in silence, waiting for the doctor. And when he came in, repeating the words I’m sorry and kidney transplant, I felt my knees weaken. Mary held my hand and I held hers.
“He’s strong,” Xavier affirmed. “We can get him through this. I’ll get tested for transplant compatibility.”
“I don’t want to be rude, Xavier, but you may be too old.” Mary blew her nose into the tissue. “He’s only a baby.”
“Kidneys are small, Mary. And actually, a donation from an adult has a better chance of working out than one from a child.”
“Really? In that case, add me to that list,” I said. My godson needed as many chances at a good kidney as possible. I didn’t think anything of my offer until a week later as the four of us sat in the doctor’s office. Cameron had already been placed on an organ donor waiting list, though I knew Mary and Jack had hoped that one of them would be a match. As I sat beside Xavier at the side of th
e wall, I saw Jack take Mary’s hand in reassurance.
“Thank you for coming in,” the doctor said. “We have a match. Two matches, in fact.”
Mary and Jack looked at each other, smiling. I let go of the anxiousness I’d been feeling in my chest since this morning. Next week we were leaving for Pace, and the closer the time came, the more nervous I became, especially now that Cameron was ill.
“Mary and Anna. You’re both perfect matches.”
“That’s wonderful news!” Mary almost jumped out of her chair, and then asked, “When can we do the surgery?”
The doctor waited until the excitement settled, and continued. “While Mary’s a match, and ideally a parent would be best, Mary’s not a good candidate for surgery at this time.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“Because Mary, you’re pregnant.”
After a unanimous gasp, silence filled the room. The doctor mentioned something about her being quite far along, Jack asked a few questions, then Mary, and as they discussed both the baby she carried and Cameron’s health, I tuned them out. The thought of what would happen next came to me without a warning, and I knew what I had to do. I also realized what my choice meant. I didn’t even notice when the room silenced again, and everyone focused on me.
“Before you all decide what you want to do, I must tell you that a surgery on an eight-month-old child is very dangerous,” the doctor said.
“But if we don’t do it?”
“He will eventually need to go on dialysis.”
There were a few more questions, along with suggestions of the best medical course to take for the baby, but in my heart, I already knew what was best.
“I’ll do it,” I said, drawing their attention back to me. “I’m a match. Of course I’ll do it.”
“Anna, I know you’ve been waiting to go back for a long time. I can’t ask you to put your life on hold for us.”
“You don’t have to ask, Mary.”
If I refused to accept this, I’d never forgive myself. How could I even look John in the eyes, knowing that my friends’ son had a health crisis and I could have actually done something to help him, yet I’d chosen to come to Pace?
“John would want me to help you. He would understand. How long would this take? How long’s recovery?”
Xavier tightened his grip on my hand. “They’ll need to run a few more tests, but if the doctors clear you to donate, we can probably get a surgery scheduled within a month. Then it’s another month and a half or two of recovery, Anna. We’d have to delay our travels until before Christmas.”
That would mark the time I’d been away from Pace at about sixteen months. It sounded much longer than I realized. But how could I put any value to time when my godson was in need of a miracle to survive?
There was no other option. Any other choice would have been a sin. Little did I know, Fate had already sealed my future, and no matter what choice I made, my life would forever be changed.
The next four weeks passed by more quickly than all of the previous year. We went from one doctor appointment to another. I was prodded and poked with countless needles on my arms, I was tested for all sorts of diseases and illnesses before the doctors agreed that I was in good health for the transplant, and I was.
Deep inside I knew I would be. On some level I believed that God had led Jack to find me so that I could help his little boy. There was nothing that could stop me from giving this kidney to Cameron, and just as hard as I believed my fate was to go through with the surgery, I also believed that Cameron would be okay.
The surgery was successful. While Mary and Jack stayed with Cameron at the hospital, I went home within two days. My kidney was functioning in his body, and nothing in my life had ever felt more right.
Jack and Mary not only hired a private nurse for me but also a full-time nanny to help me with Hope while I recovered. Xavier bought me books to keep me busy and stayed in his home office for the most part, preparing for our trip. In less than a week, we would make a trip back to Pace, where I could finally tell John about Hope. I practiced my words to him over and over again.
“Do you think he’ll leave Pace and come with us?”
“I don’t think he’ll do anything to jeopardize your safety.”
“So you have doubts?” I asked.
“Anna, we both know who we’re dealing with. Cortez doesn’t give up. If John leaves Pace, we have to ensure that Ben has no reason to follow him. Ben needs to be neutralized.”
“That won’t be easy.”
John would not only have to leave his family, but most likely he’d need to ensure their safety before he left as well. Would he leave his family for me?
“I can’t think of an easier decision. If you told me that you had my baby, I’d follow you to the end of this world.”
“Xavier…”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s all right. I just feel…”
… confused, I finished in my mind.
I felt extremely confused. Yes, we had a wonderful friendship that I was grateful for, but Xavier meant so much more than a friend. On one hand, my heart was jumping up and down at the possibility of having a new start with John and Hope. In one short week, we could be together. On the other hand, I knew that having John back in my life meant cutting some of my ties with Xavier. Not that there was anything between us. There wasn’t. I just cared for him deeply.
What if there is something more?
There couldn’t be.
The night before we left, Jack shook Xavier’s hand. “If there’s anything you need, my friend, just call. You have all of the company’s resources available to you. Frank Wagner said he’d help as well. So did Cross.”
I wasn’t sure who those men were, but they sounded important.
“The fewer people know about this, the better. I’m not taking any chances with Anna. It won’t be easy. Cortez is in town. We’ll need to stay undercover. If we’re lucky, he’ll take a trip.”
“You set some bait?”
Xavier nodded, and I felt pins and needles along my arms. The faster our time to leave approached, the more apprehensive I felt.
“You two be careful. My son needs his godparents back in one piece."
Xavier embraced his best friend, “Don’t worry. I won't let anything happen to her."
Jack turned his attention back to me. He let go of Xavier and took me in his arms. “Anna, please remember that the family you have in Pace is not the only one you can count on. I will never be able to repay you for what you’ve done for us. I will owe you for the rest of my life.” He leaned in closer to me and whispered, “If you asked for it, I would give you my heart. I would give you anything, so don’t ever be afraid to ask.”
“Thank you. If anything happens to me, please take care of Hope.”
“Don't talk like that, Anna. Your journey didn’t end here, and I have a feeling that it won’t end in Pace either. We’ll see each other again soon.”
Of course we would. Our trip wouldn’t take longer than a week. I had to get back to my baby. She was counting on me, and it was time that I brought her father home.
By the morning on the third day, I was sitting on a rock outside our tent in the mountains. About five miles out in the distance, the flat roofs in Pace blended with the background. I’d never seen my town from this point of view, and compared to New York, it looked almost foreign, lost and forgotten. The only part of my return that felt nice was the beautiful weather. Worst of all, the town appeared to be abandoned, although we knew it wasn’t because Xavier had scouted the area last night. Life went on, and Ben still lived there with his family.
At the thought of possibly seeing him, I couldn’t help feeling apprehensive, though we were hoping we wouldn’t run into him. During the past forty-eight hours, Xavier had been watching a little screen with a traveling dot. It looked very futuristic, and he’d explained that it was a beacon he’d left at the motel. So far this mornin
g, before Xavier went out to the woods, the beacon had remained at the Bistro.
The sound of approaching footsteps crunching over the rocky footing forced me to turn around.
“I found some gooseberries.” He held out his cupped hand for me, and I tossed a few into my mouth.
“I used to love these as a kid. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. You look calm.”
“I’m nervous and anxious. It’s beyond time that I made contact with John. It feels like so much has happened in the past sixteen months. I feel guilty and selfish that I’ve spent that time without him.”
“You were a pregnant woman trying to survive on her own, and now you have a baby and a godson whose life you’ve saved. I wouldn’t call that selfish.”
“My life has changed so much, I just hope that he still wants to be part of it.”
“What if he doesn’t?” Xavier asked.
“What?”
I’d never truly considered the possibility. What if Xavier was right? What if John didn’t want anything to do with me?
“I’m not saying that he won’t. He’d be a foolish man if he didn’t.”
I warmed at his words.
“What I am trying to say is that you should keep an open mind. Look how much your life has changed while away. If John had Ben Cortez hanging over his head, I’m pretty sure he had his hands full as well.”
Xavier sat down on the rocks beside me, and I picked some more gooseberries out of his palm.
“I hope you’re right. I just have this weird feeling in my stomach, like my life is about to be changed forever.”
The sides of our arms touched, and I leaned my head to the side, resting it on his shoulder. He was one of the most comfortable people in my life to be around. Xavier reached his arm around me, pulling me closer.
Why was I dreading this reunion? I knew that part of the reason was the scary possibility of running into Ben, but it felt like so much more.
“No matter what happens, remember that you have a family back in New York.”
“Thank you. I don’t think I’d be alive today if it weren’t for you and Jack. Actually, I know I wouldn’t be.”
