"Dad, it's okay!" Nia bounded up the porch steps on the balls of her feet and threw her arms around Sam's shoulders. "You and mom were separated for years..." She pulled away and stared at him, her smile wider than it had been in days. Her hands firmly gripped his shoulders as she gave him a gentle shake. "I give you my blessing to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy."
Sam choked up, and Nia could see tears shimmering in his eyes. "I loved your mother very much," he told her earnestly. "I still do. I always will."
"I know, Dad." Nia smiled. "She'd be happy for you."
Sam sniffled and turned away, hiding his face. Nia waited silently so that he could regain composure, but she could not help the bubbling swell of excitement she had for her father. When he turned back to face her, she beamed at him and he smiled back with a grin just as wide. "I'd better go," he said hastily, wiping his wet eyes once more with his sleeve. "I'm gonna be late..."
"You don't want to be late!" Nia gave her dad a playful push as he stepped down the stairs towards his truck. "Have a great time!"
"I'll bring her over for dinner soon!" Sam promised. "We'll make plans for this weekend. I left you money for dinner-it's on the fridge-"
"Sounds great Dad!" Nia waved as Sam climbed into his truck, slamming the door behind him. The truck roared to life and Sam gave Nia a wave as he rolled out of the driveway. She watched as his truck disappeared behind trees and brush as it slowly clambered down the road. Once she could no longer hear it's steady engine, Nia entered her house and shut the door.
She could hear a loud buzz coming from the kitchen table, alerting her to a missed message. Scooping up her phone, she selected the new message folder; her eyebrows raised high into her forehead when she saw who the message was from.
Rowan.
Although she had been told that Rowan had visited her at the hospital while she was unconscious, she had not seen him once while she had been awake. She had texted him, called him and he had not answered back. She tried to not let this bother her; perhaps Rowan was busy, but it didn't take that long to quickly shoot a message to someone. It left her feeling jilted and confused. For the last six weeks they had been nearly inseparable. Rowan had unintentionally filled the gap her mother left when she passed away. Was he distancing himself because he wanted more and she wasn't ready? Nia chewed her bottom lip as she read his text message. She could be ready for a relationship.
Nia, the message said, come to the Meeting Grounds. I need to talk to you.
Frowning, Nia stared at her phone and quickly pulled her fingers through her hair. A familiar tug of urgency played at her heart as she reread the message over again. Something...there was something. The anxiousness she felt wasn't bad; a small part of her felt giddy and excited. With a sigh, she slipped her phone into her pocket and left her house to meet Rowan.
She set off into the woods, careful not to step in anything particularly mucky; the place was riddled with swamp and water pockets. Her stomach flipped anxiously as she slipped through the trees, watching as the sun’s rays shimmered through the forest, glittering like gold through the brown and green trenches of trees. A few birds chirped in the distance; Nia inhaled deeply, to calm her flipping stomach and to breathe in the new life that was spring. The air was fresh and flowery, chilled yet warm. Since she had cried for the loss of her mother, just days ago, the world seemed to shine with a new light she had missed seeing. Everything was new again. There was no gray or black or white; only color, bright and vivid and inspiring. Her mother would have craved for her happiness, she would have wanted Nia to settle with a level head. The Meeting Grounds were now visible through the thin birch trees...
Nia broke through into the clearing, holding her breath tight in her chest. The Meeting Grounds were covered with blooming wild flowers and the trees were beginning to bud and all of the pines were a vivid green. Quinn and Fiona’s old tree house still sat nestled in its ancient oak tree, creaking gentle as a gust of wind blew. Rowan was crouched down by the crystal pond, twirling a twig between his fingers. Nia noticed that all of the flowers seemed to open up when he was around, arching towards him with content. Rowan looked over his shoulder as she approached him, and quickly rose to his feet; the heels of his shoes snapped together and his chin was acutely perpendicular with the ground, his hands held respectively behind his back. He wore a royal blue button up, with the sleeves rolled-up a quarter of the way along his forearms and casual khaki pants.
He smiled at Nia, inclining his head forward; the smile that graced his face made Nia grin back. He made her feel comfortable. Safe.
“Hey,” she softly said as she reached his side.
“How are you feeling?” Rowan began, sounding hesitant. Nia noticed the deep purple circles that were hollowing out his eye sockets, intensifying the deep blue color of his unusually wavering eyes. With the simplest touch, her finger tips grazed the soft skin under his eyes. A rush of emotion flooded her body and she pulled her hand away before she could get a proper reading from it. She stared at him, soaking him all in, right down to the last freckle on his face while her smile slowly evaporated into nothing. He was afraid. He was worried. Why?
“I’m fine.” Her voice sounded strangely disconnected from her body. For a moment, she thought that she hadn't been the one to speak. "How are you?"
Rowan didn't answer. He looked pale, standing before he with his hands shoved into his pockets, his foot nervously toeing the bit of earth he stood on. “I need to tell you something,” he said instead, avoiding her bewildered gaze.
“Mmhmm...” she slowly nodded, unable to find her voice for a moment as a sudden swell of tears found their way to the brims of her eyelids. Her stomach did a bizarre series of flips before it just dropped out of underneath her, into nothing. "What's wrong?" Her heart was beating unevenly in her chest, and she was baffled as to what was happening. "Are you...moving away?" That was the worst thing that could happen, right? Without Sapphire Warrior, the Mystical Knights wouldn't fit together as they did. And without Rowan... Nia squeezed her eyes shut and reopened them; without Rowan, her heart would surely never beat the same. He had become her dearest friend, and although they had only met a few months ago, she knew that her life would never be the same without him in it.
“No. I'm not moving away...Nia,” Rowan didn’t know where to start. His eyes kept darting around, suddenly paranoid. He ran a flustered hand through his hair and took another deep gulp of spring air. “There is something you need to know. About me.”
Nia's brow furrowed. “You can tell me anything,” she protested earnestly, her trembling voice just above a whisper. "Anything," she repeated.
Rowan carefully shook his head and Nia could see distress flooding across his cautious face. “I've done something bad.” He paused, watching her with those beautiful blue eyes, careful not to meet her bewildered gaze. “I haven't been fair.”
“What do you mean?” Nia’s face twisted unnaturally as she spoke. She felt her stuttering heart drop into the place where her stomach used to be and she pressed her lips firmly together in an attempt to stop them from quivering. She was hit with such raw emotion, and the hurt she was feeling wasn't coming from Rowan. Nia swallowed, her throat suddenly parched and burning with unshed tears. “What have you done? What ever it is, we can fix it. You're my friend, Rowan. Please let me help you...” She could feel his soul pulling away from hers as she spoke. That peacefulness and serenity that had always been with them was slowly shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces; her chest made a strange wheezing noise that she had never heard before.
“I can't be fixed.” Rowan said quietly. "I just...I need to be honest with you before things go too far...before I can't fix us."
Nia frowned, bewildered. What was happening? What was Rowan trying to tell her? “Then be honest with me.” Nia said, her voice cracking shrilly through the trees like ice. “I don't understand why you're being so cryptic right now—”
She stopped. A sudden kind of calm washed over Ro
wan; his usually smoldering sapphire eyes were hollow and dark and the color of his skin became very white. He looked up, finally meeting her eyes. “I’m gay, Nia.”
Nia's ears were ringing; she could feel her chest tighten as she stood, rooted to the forest floor, her brain trying to process what he was telling her. Her body had become very cold, almost numb. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Rowan's voice resounded over and over again in her mind, the memory of him kissing her at the gazebo. Holding her hand...all of those times they had just sat and talked... She finally looked at him, and knew without a shadow of doubt that he had known who he was then. He had known and he had lead her on anyways.
"Why?" she croaked. "Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me?"
“Because I don't want to be,” Rowan stammered, his voice cracking. His hands trembled in front of him and the tears that had been pooling up behind his eyes spilled over one at a time. “I thought...I thought that maybe if I found the right person, then I would feel different. And you make me feel normal Nia. We're...connected somehow-I know you feel that too.” His voice was breathy, his chest was rising and falling as if he were about to plunge off of a ten-foot cliff.
Nia nodded. He was right; there had been something between the two of them. He felt comfortable, their souls were old and right with one another. But now, she felt broken. What had been between them, now lay cold and broken at their feet.
“I was afraid,” he abruptly whispered. "No one will ever accept me like this. Not my aunt and uncle...not my parents...not my friends..." Rowan trembled and looked down at his feet. “Please...please don’t hate me...please.”
Nia opened her mouth again, blinking back more tears that threatened to pool over. As hurt and used as she felt, she hurt for him too. “I could never hate you,” she said. "Your friends could never hate you. Your family could never hate you."
Rowan wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands and twisted the sleeves of his blue shirt. "I just couldn't lie any more. Kenzie said that I needed to be honest with you and she was right-"
"Kenzie?" The hurt that Nia had felt for Rowan had disappeared. A vicious anger bubbled like hot water through her veins as she stared at him incredulously. "You lied to Kenzie too?"
"I-I did," Rowan said. He twisted his hands together, wringing his fingers tightly. "I did, and I feel terribly about it. I ended it with her-I told her-"
"You ended things with her after you met me," Nia remembered, shaking now, her body trembling with unseen rage. "You-you did her worse, Rowan! You actually dated her for well over a year!" Now Nia understood Kenzie's harsh behavior and actions; she hadn't been jealous. She had been heartbroken, used, and tossed aside. Her eyes narrowed dangerously as she glared at him, her head spinning. "If you knew then, why even try and bother with me? Why hurt me?"
"I didn't want to hurt anyone," Rowan said, his voice terse with emotion. "I-I didn't want to be this way. I wanted-"
"But you are," Nia bit out through gritted teeth. "You may have wanted to change, but somewhere deep down you must have known that it was just wishful thinking..." Rowan looked away from her. His hands were balled into clenched fists at his sides. Nia took a deep breath and continued to speak. "You were selfish to do what you did Rowan. And awful to just toss Kenzie and her feelings away."
"I know," Rowan whispered, his eyes still averted downwards. "I know, and I'm sorry. I-I just didn't know...I just wanted to be..." his voice trailed off into silence. His brilliant blue eyes slowly flickered into hers, searching her face anxiously. “Can we still be friends?” he asked, a hint of urgency ringing in his somber voice. “Please—please say we can still be friends?”
Nia swallowed, not wanting to speak. She could feel something dark and bitter stirring deep within her as she stood, but she shrugged it aside and looked just beyond the trees where the sun was slowly sinking behind them. “I have to go home,” she spoke thickly, her eyes unfocused and dizzy. Nia awkwardly turned towards the break in the trees, curling her fingers into her palms.
“Please Nia, let me walk you home.” Rowan was at her side at once, grabbing at her elbow. His eyes were ablaze with worry, and it angered her to see the stains his tears had left on his cheekbones. Nia urged her heavy feet to shuffle faster. “Nia, please. Let me walk you home. I want to make sure you’re okay. Please.”
Slowly, as though she had a kink in her neck, Nia turned to look at Rowan. She yanked her arm out of his strong grasp and wrapped it firmly around her middle, trembling. “Let me go, Rowan.” It literally stung her throat to echo his name. “I don’t want you to.”
“As your friend,” Rowan begged, looking ready to drop to his knees and grovel, “please let me walk you home?”
Nia stared at him without really seeing him. Her vision seemed to blur for the umpteenth time in seconds and for the first time, Nia found herself unable to process what was happening. The blackness she had felt moments earlier was sucking her down into nothing. “I don’t think I can be your friend right now...”
Rowan didn't speak, nor did he rush to be at her side again as she walked away from him. The forest had become remarkably quiet; even the wind ceased to blow as Nia fumbled through the broken trees and brush that winter had left behind. The woods had been bright with green and full of life before and now it seemed gray and empty.... She felt empty as she walked, her thoughts still racing, her heart still pounding. The blackness she had felt was gone, and she had to wonder if she had imagined it out of anger...
The solid ground suddenly vanished beneath her feet. Without a moment to cry out, she plunged forcefully into a water pocket. Nia had thought that she was cold before, but the icy swamp water burned her legs, her arms, her waist, her chest, making it impossible to breathe. She tried to take a deep breath as she sank lower, but her waterlogged clothes pulled her down quickly and the dirty water chugged down her throat instead of clean air. The silence she remembered hearing before was loud compared to the uneven sound of the sloshing water. She watched as the bubbles floated high to the surface, not even attempting to fight...
As Nia sank deeper and deeper, she looked up; above her, shimmering like the moon was this pale light. It rippled strangely against the water, illuminating the bits of leaves and twigs that floated by. Everything was done, over with. Mesmerizing arrays of bright colors gave a pulsating flash as Nia’s eyelids began to droop. The burning cold of the frigid water prickled dully now and Nia raised a heavy, lead-like hand towards the surface...her chest burned in protest as she tried to keep what little oxygen she had left while she drowned from the inside out. Her head was pounding with clarity—I’m about to die—and she felt apathetic and cozy as she floated safely in her waterlogged grave.... Death was easier than falling asleep.
Nia faintly felt her amulet quiver just above the place where her heart still beat...
* * *
The moon was cradled high within the branches of the old maple tree when Nia finally arrived home. She couldn’t quite remember how she had come to climb out of the water pocket, but assumed that her mind had went on autopilot when her body failed to act accordingly. She was shivering, but she no longer felt cold. She stared up at the house with an empty gaze. She should have felt concerned, questioning how she had come to be standing at her front porch when she should have been at the bottom of a pocket of water. Nia bemusedly pulled her sopping wet jacket around her body, as though it could somehow warm her through, and rigidly shuffled up to the house.
The house was dark and quiet; it could have been as if someone were sleeping. Nia cracked open the door and silently slipped inside like a ghost. As the door clicked shut behind her, she reached out to her left and flicked on the dining room light. The bleak lamp light flooded the room; it stung Nia's eyes, and she squinted hard as her vision slowly adjusted from the familiar darkness. Breathing thickly, and peeking through her dark eye lashes, Nia began to move towards the bathroom, walking with her knees bent and slightly apart. Nia could feel her hair
hanging around her face in wet tendrils, she knew that tear stains were clearly visible along her cheekbones...her eyes felt puffy and swollen and her fingertips felt pruned and rough as she rubbed them together absently.
As though in a trance, she sat on the edge of the tub and began to fill the bath with water. Water bubbled and frothed as it made its way from the faucet and into the tub. The room became steamy and humid in minutes, but Nia didn't once reach in to test the water temperature. As the tub filled high, Nia slowly peeled off her wet and mucky clothes, indifferently tossing them to the floor. Her phone fell out of her jacket pocket, clattering lifelessly to the floor as any electronic device would after being submerged in water. As she bent over to pull off her shoes, she was only mildly astonished to find that only one shoe had remained on her foot. Nia pulled off her one shoe and her mud-caked socks, strenuously flexing her toes as if that would help bring back some feeling into her cold body. The muggy air did nothing but amplify the putrid smell of swamp. Once she was left in just her underwear and bra, Nia balanced herself over the tub and carefully eased herself into the warm water.
Why did she feel so numb? Nia sank deeper into the water until it was level with her chin. She used her foot to shut off the tap and looked aimlessly up at the ceiling. She'd better understand if Rowan had been more than just a friend, someone she'd known since childhood. But they'd only known each other a mere matter of months, and yet she felt so drawn to him as though they had known one another forever. She wasn't even aware she had felt anything romantic for him, until recently.
He used you, her mind hissed venomously. If he had cared for you at all, he would have never attempted to lead you on. He would have been honest from the beginning. He'd never had kissed-
"Stop it!" Nia cried before sinking below the water line, squeezing her eyes closed. It was quiet there; the whooshing sound of the bath water was delicate and peaceful. She didn't want peace though, not where everything felt like it was buckling and crumbling to the ground around her. Nia opened her mouth and screamed a scream that was silent to everyone but her. The surrounding water muffled the silent cry and it sounded eerily distorted to her ears. She screamed and she screamed until her chest felt like it was caving into her. She became aware of it then-the darkness from before. It loomed over her like a black, unforgiving cloud before wrapping her up tight, breathing her in, suffocating her...she thrashed her legs as she tried to sit up, but the pressure on her chest intensified. Nia's eyes popped open as she struggled, but was surprised to see nothing holding her down.
The Mystical Knights: The Sword of Dreams Page 22
