by Stacy Green
“Follow my lead,” Justin said.
“Whatever you say.” I didn’t have the energy or the right frame of mind to argue. My brain was more numb than my feet.
Justin pushed open the heavy wood door. Meager warmth greeted us. The furnace in this old, poorly insulated building likely wasn’t big enough to keep up with the cold, but it was a hell of a lot better than standing out on the street. I shivered, and without thinking, tucked my hand in the crook of Justin’s elbow. He patted my gloved hand, and unexplainable tears singed my eyes.
I’d nearly destroyed his second chance at life, and he was helping me. Not because I’d skillfully manipulated him or backed him into a corner, but because he wanted to. Like his brother, who no doubt risked his job tipping me off, Justin saw some kind of good inside me. I wished I could.
Surely Todd had never shared his theories of Lucy Kendall’s double life with his little brother.
“Hank.” Justin called softly through the dark foyer. “It’s Justin Beckett. I’ve got a lady here who really needs a bed for a few nights.”
When I’d been here a few months ago, I’d barely taken notice of the interior. As my eyes adjusted, I searched for my bearings. Once a single family home, the shelter had been converted into a duplex before it had been turned into the space it was now. The front entrance was a narrow hall with an office to the side, and the stairs were directly in front of me. The men were to the left, I remembered. That’s where I’d found Justin, in a room by himself, painting.
The office door opened and a man exited. He was the same man I’d spoken to in the fall. I shrank against Justin and hoped the wig was a good enough disguise.
“Hey there, Jay.” Hank shook Justin’s hand. He smiled at me. “And you are?”
“Meg,” Justin answered. “I met her a few nights ago. Down on her luck. Can we spare some room?”
Hank scratched his chin. “We’re pretty full with this cold snap.” His watery blue eyes searched mine. What did he see in my face? Desperation? Resignation? The cold eyes of a killer?
I shivered again.
“I’ve got some extra blankets,” Hank said. “But I’d have to put you on the floor. Still warmer than being out in that wind.”
“Thank you.” The voice that creaked out of my mouth sounded nothing like my own. It sounded like the helpless girl who’d lost her sister and spent years wandering trying to figure out the meaning of everything terrible that had happened in her life.
I thought I’d left that girl behind a long time ago.
“Women and children are upstairs,” Hank said. “Jay’ll show you the way. Of course, he’ll have to stay in the hall. We like all of our ladies to feel safe.”
Justin took my hand. “Come on.”
My too small boots–I’d chosen them because they were old and tattered–scraped against the wooden stairs. My footsteps were robotic, the timed thud sounding like a prison march.
Upstairs, four large bedrooms housed countless women and children. Lights were out, but the whispering and occasional shuffling showed not everyone slept.
“Which room should I go in?” I whispered.
“I’d try this first one on the right,” Justin said. “Hank usually fills them up from the back of the house first. The bathroom is down the hall to the left.”
I didn’t want to go into that room. I’d been in others like it. Cramped and humid with body odor and clothes that needed laundering, accompanied by the soundtrack of snores, coughing, and the occasional fussy baby. But those times, I’d been there to help.
I knew I was being stupid. I still had an apartment and a fat cat waiting on me. This was just a disguise.
But the sinking feeling refused to believe that.
Justin squeezed my hand. “I’ll come back in the morning. We’ll go to breakfast. And hopefully I’ll have some more news from Todd.”
“Chris?” A knot formed in my throat, and I couldn’t say any more. Never in my life had I wanted to see someone so badly.
“I’ll get him here, I promise.”
I nodded my thanks, patting his cheek because if I hugged him, I wouldn’t be able to let go. Then I headed inside the room.
Cots were set up in an orderly pattern, with a couple of night lights on either side of the room. Feeling like an intruder, my palms sweating and my shoulder blades damp, I crept silently between the sleeping women. I tried not to look down, but I saw their faces. All ages, all colors. Too many little ones snuggled up to their mothers.
Senator Coleman needed a task force for this tragedy too.
I went to the farthest corner, quietly depositing the blankets Hank had given me. My old college backpack was still strapped to my back, and I wasn’t ready to take it off. I reached in my pocket for my phone before I remembered I’d left it. Justin was bringing me a pay as you go phone in the morning. My spot was far away from the nightlights, and I fumbled in the darkness, making a thin bed for myself. At first I tried to lay down with the backpack on, but my movement was too encumbered. Jumping up quickly wasn’t an option. I slipped it off and clutched it to my chest, tucking my face into the polyester.
I wouldn’t sleep. Too much at stake, too much danger in my hands. One of the last things my sister said to me before she committed suicide was to remember to put myself first. Self-preservation, she’d called it. At eleven years old, I didn’t really understand what she meant, but it didn’t take long for me to learn.
When I’d decided to take justice into my own hands barely more than a year ago, I’d believed I was doing it for the kids who couldn’t defend themselves. My freedom–my own life–was worth risking if I could make a difference. And for a while, I thought I had. Then I’d watched Brian Harrison die and realized I was no better than any other killer out there.
I didn’t have the urge to kill. My urges were about making things right, about showing the world the truth. I didn’t lie in bed at night, visualizing new and better ways to end a person’s life. But I did spend hours thinking about my methods and how to get away with it.
Self-preservation above all else.
And look where I’d ended up. One foot in a jail cell despite my innocence in this particular case.
I didn’t think any of it mattered anymore. Not my grand plans, or my pathetic justifications, or the lies I’d told myself about stopping and leading a normal life. I’d always known I would be caught and have to pay the price, but I’d never imagined it would be for a crime I didn’t commit. But that didn’t matter either. I would have killed Sarah. I daydreamed about it while I dealt with her whining customers. So perhaps I was getting what I deserve.
The same didn’t go for the women and kids sleeping around me. Shame kept me overheated. What if some other woman who truly was down on her luck came in, and I had the last available spot, even if it was on the floor? All because I was too much of a coward to face the song I’d composed.
My legs jerked, making my boots scrape across the floor. I shifted, bunching up the blanket so my shoulder wasn’t in so much pain. The idea of lying here the rest of the night, fighting to stay awake on the damned hard floor, threatened fresh tears.
I’d get up and find Hank. Ask to use his phone and call Todd. Tell him I appreciated everything he was doing, but I wasn’t going to hide from the police. They could come arrest me at my place, and I’d fight. If my real murders were discovered, then I’d accept the consequences. After all, I’d always said I would.
If I was convicted for my murders, I’d die in prison.
The creeping fear of death came without warning. It seized my chest and my throat with spidery fingers, squeezing away my sanity. My breathing turned to gasps, my heart rate skyrocketed, and I saw only blackness. Would I know anything in the void? Is there a fade to black or simply an off switch? And what if there is an after-life?
Where would I go? Who would be waiting for me on the other side? Certainly not my sister. But there were others, the men I’d killed. What if their spirits circled me,
waiting for the moment I entered their dimension?
I am going to die.
I sat up too fast, my backpack skidding away from me. I lunged for it, snatching the straps like they were liquid gold.
“Knock it off.” An angry voiced hissed out of the darkness. “We need to sleep.”
Someone else grumbled agreement.
Still breathing too hard and clutching the backpack, I lay back down.
I wouldn’t sleep. Doing so would allow the familiar nightmare to take over. Me, dead. Cold and stiff and no longer existing.
I don’t want to die.
If I was convicted, I’d die in prison.
Running made me look guilty. Go in with shoulders high, make them do their jobs.
I thought of Riley. Her terror and my joy. I wanted to kill her, at least hurt her. And my plans for Preacher. Big plans for whoever pulled his strings.
Either path I chose held nothing but certain death. The only difference was who administered it.
A familiar scent surrounded me. Warm, summery. Sandalwood, maybe. Or the beach. My grandmother used to take us to the Jersey Shore before Lily died. Even my mother made the trip without too many complaints about her looks or the people or whatever else she could find to gripe about. My memories of those days are fuzzy, but I do remember walking hand-in-hand with my sister, eating cotton candy and hearing the delighted screams of the older kids on the rides. My mother usually walked behind us, chattering a mile a minute to my grandmother, who would cluck sympathetically from time to time. Grandma had taken the brunt of my mother’s criticisms on those days so my sister and I could enjoy ourselves in peace.
My body jerked, shoulders thumping against the floor.
“Luce.” Someone tapped my shoulder.
Wasn’t I awake?
“Lucy, it’s me.” A tug at my backpack.
My eyes fought their way open. Sticky sleep blurred my vision for a second. Early morning light streamed in one of the windows. Unwavering blue eyes held my gaze.
For a brief moment, I thought I’d fallen asleep on Chris’s couch. But the agonizing creak in my back quickly brought me back to reality.
I licked my dry lips. “You’re here.”
“Of course I am.”
“You were mad at me.”
“I’m usually mad at you. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to help.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me to a sitting position. My arms were still locked around the bag. He tugged one of the straps. “I take it you don’t have your best jewelry in here?”
“No.”
“Good thinking.” He glanced behind him. I saw Justin for the first time. “Which is the only smart decision you made last night.”
My senses were coming back to me. “This is the women’s room. How come you guys are in here?”
“They’re all down eating.” Justin said. “Hank told us we could wake you. Although your boyfriend didn’t give him much choice.” He scowled at the older brother he’d been trying to get to know.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I answered. “And he likes to get his way.”
Chris glared at Justin. “You and Detective Dumbfuck brought her here instead of calling me. Why should I come in here like I’m on a Sunday visit?”
“Don’t talk about Todd that way,” Justin snapped back. “He’s the only reason she’s not in jail. And I told you all of this earlier. Anything associated with you is the first place the cops are going to look.”
“Good thing I’ve got places no one knows about.” He pulled me to my feet. I swayed, trying to catch up to their conversation.
“You do?”
Chris ignored me. “And surely you could have gotten some cash and put her up–”
“Stop,” I said. “Justin and Todd were right. Police are going to be looking at hotels. This was a safe place.” I smiled at Justin, although it probably looked more like a grimace the way my head pounded. “And I can’t thank you enough. Tell Todd I said thank you as well.”
“You can tell him yourself,” Justin said. “I’ve got the phone.”
I shook my head. “No. He’s not going to lose his job for me. And you aren’t going to get in trouble.” I nudged Chris. “Either of you.”
“What are you getting at?” He asked.
I looked up at him, for once not feeling put off by his scrutiny. “I knew this day would come. And being here, this isn’t right. What is right is accepting I’ve done some good things, even if they were bad. Maybe I’ll walk away from this, maybe not. But running isn’t who I am.”
“Lucy,” Chris started.
“I’ve thought about this a lot. You know what my plans were for Sarah.” I didn’t bother to worry about Justin. He’d stay loyal to the end. “I would have carried them out. And then moved on to the next. I’ve lived in denial, convinced myself I had some calling. It’s all a lie.”
“You’re exhausted,” Chris said. “Let me take you somewhere safe while we work this out. You can sleep, get your head on straight.”
“My head is on straight.” I tugged at his collar, bringing his face close to mine. My whisper was only for him. “If I don’t go, I won’t stop doing bad things. That girl, Riley. What I nearly did to her…that’s not who I want to be.”
He grabbed my shoulders. “I won’t let you do this.”
“Isn’t it the right thing, though? I always said I’d accept it when the time came. Not run around taking up space where I don’t belong.” I waved my hand toward the empty room. “Using these people. I’d rather sit in a cell.”
“This isn’t the time.” Chris held me too tightly. His eyes were harder than I’d ever seen them. Pleasant chills shot through me. “This isn’t the plan. You know it. We’ve discussed it. And I won’t let you throw your life away for something you didn’t do.”
“Me either.” Justin spoke again. He cleared his throat. “Listen, my brother–Todd, you know, the one who actually accepts that I exist?” Chris rolled his eyes. “He told me what he thinks you do. He’s not sure how you do it yet, but he thinks he can find out.”
Chris and I stared at each other. The air stilled, my heart slowed to a painful thud.
“The thing is, I’m not sure he really wants to do anything about it,” Justin continued. “When he talks about you, about the men he thinks you…he sounds like he admires you. He wishes he would have killed my mother. Our mother,” he added for Chris’s benefit. “He thought about it, you know. Couldn’t go through with it. He blamed himself for what happened to me, and that’s why he became a cop.”
I tried to look around Chris’s broad shoulders to see Justin’s face, but Chris held me firm.
“Todd wants to know what you did. He wants to figure it out. But in the end, I don’t think he’ll arrest you. He just wants to know, for himself.”
“Why on earth would you say that?” I choked out.
“Because this business of being all honorable and not wanting you arrested for the wrong crime is a bunch of shit. He brings people in on holds or suspicion of crimes they didn’t commit all the time, and it’s no more than a ploy to get to the truth. And yet he’s doing just the opposite with you.”
“What’s your point?” Chris finally released me and turned to face his younger brother.
“That she needs to stop comparing what she’s accused of to what she’s actually done.” He stepped passed Chris, brushing the older man’s shoulder. They glared at each other, so different and so much alike. Justin stopped in front of me, ignoring Chris’s fuming. “Todd doesn’t want you in trouble for anything, and the people who are trying to bring you down are the same kind of monsters you hunt. His hands are tied. If you throw in the towel now, everything you’ve done–every dark decision you’ve made–is for nothing. Because this trafficking thing just gets bigger. And the leaders get more powerful. And more kids get hurt.”
Maybe his words got to me. Or maybe my coward side won out. I’d probably never know the answer. I rolled my neck and shoulders and then slipped o
n the back pack.
“I’ve got two conditions.” I poked Chris hard in the shoulder. He turned to glare at me. “Thanks for coming for me, in spite of everything. I’ll go with you, but I’ve got a stop to make first. If we’re careful, we should be safe. That’s the first one.”
He raised an eyebrow. “And the second?”
I felt the blood pulsing through me now as my old self returned. I gave him my most charming smile. “You start spending time with Justin. No arguments. You guys need each other. Or you might, one day. And you’re lucky to have one another.”
Chris’s mouth twitched. Justin hid a smirk.
“Whatever,” Chris finally said. “Let’s go.”
24
When I first started down my chosen path, Kelly and I hashed out all the possibilities. She had the foresight to think of a code in case I wasn’t able to use my own phone. I texted her from the pre-paid cell Justin brought me, and we made arrangements for me to stay with her. I’d kept my relationship with her secret from everyone except Chris, and neither one of them would allow me to spend another night in the shelter.
Kelly locked the door behind me, her eyes wide and scared. “You’re crazy. You’re running from the cops on information from Todd? The same guy who wants to arrest you for multiple murders?”
“Technically,” I dumped the bag on her countertop, feeling safe with it for the first time since I left home, “I’m not on the run. I left before they showed up. I’m just hiding.”
“How’d you dump your heroes?”
“Justin was easy enough. He still listens. Chris, on the other hand, I had to threaten, but he’s getting some cash from his uncle’s place. He didn’t want to use his ATM.”
“He keeps cash at his uncle’s?”
I shrugged. “He’s got a history of forgetting his bank card, I guess. Safety measures. You sure it’s all right for me to stay here? You need your space.”
