by Eva Luxe
“Oh sorry, I didn’t even see you,” I said, and gave him a hug.
“Yeah, you look a little distracted. Difficult training?”
I nodded, then shook my head. “I have a lot going on.”
Liam looked like he wanted to ask about it, but instead, he changed the topic to the event later that evening.
“It’s a pity you and Kyle can’t make it to the event tonight. I know we asked you guys last minute, but it really is going to be fun.”
“Oh, I’ll be there,” I said. “Most of my squad going.”
Liam smiled. “Oh, that’s great news. I thought the two of you were busy.”
I shook my head. “If you don’t mind me asking, Liam, what’s up with Kyle?”
Liam frowned. “Why?”
“I don’t know, I have a feeling I’m being left out of the loop and I can’t figure it out. He’s so distant and switched off, completely sour and bitter about something and he won’t talk to me about it.” It was probably out of place to ask Liam about it, but it was really bugging me.
Liam looked over my shoulder at the players who were already creating groups on the field.
“Look, I’m not trying to gossip about Kyle, we haven’t exactly been close since I got picked by the pros and Kyle didn’t. He spiraled after he heard the news, but eventually picked himself back up. For a while things looked really good, he started building a life for himself again. Lately, he’s been ignoring us again. I think it’s hard for him to see me play when he can’t.”
I frowned, trying to figure out what he was saying to me. “Are you telling me that this is all about jealousy?” I asked.
Liam shrugged. “Kyle was very serious about being scouted for a team. You know how hard he worked. We used to train together all the time, competing for the same thing. That both of us would go pro had never been a given. Hell, that either of us went pro at all is a miracle. But Kyle had his heart set on it and when he didn’t get it, his life fell apart.”
Why had Kyle never told me any of this? I knew he had wanted to play professional football. I assumed he hadn’t been chosen when Liam had started appearing on the news and Kyle didn’t. But by then, Kyle had broken up with me and I had no contact with him anymore. I had known nothing of his life, he had shut me out.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” I said to him. “Surely jealousy isn’t enough of a reason. He never said anything to me.”
Liam pulled up one shoulder, glancing past me again. “Look, Maya, I don’t want to get involved. Whatever goes on in Kyle’s life, whatever the two of you are up to, that’s your business. I hate that I lost my best friend, but there’s not much I can do about it. I try again and again to reach him, but he shuts me out every time. If you want to clear this up with Kyle, you are going to have to talk to him yourself.”
I nodded. Of course, Liam was right.
“Listen, I have to go. The guys are starting training and I don’t want to be late. I’ll see you tonight.” Liam squeezed my shoulder and jogged past me to join his teammates. I turned to watch them for a moment, my mind running over everything Liam had said. Could it really be only jealousy? I thought back to every time Kyle had been difficult, bitter, or sour. I couldn’t remember exactly what we had been about every time, but it had often been about football.
I turned toward the locker room to shower and change. I needed to get back to the condo to get ready for tonight. I wasn’t really in the mood to go out, to have a couple of drinks with a smile plastered on my face, pretending everything was all right. But it would be a good distraction, and I did want to support the team and the squad. When Kyle had broken up with me the first time, life had carried on. There was no reason it couldn’t happen again.
I rented a dress for the evening because I didn’t have anything to wear on such short notice. It was a two-piece mermaid dress that showed off my midriff. The bodice and the top of the skirt were sequined, and the dark blue and gold looked regal against my tan skin. I did my hair in a messy bun to balance the seriousness of the dress, and wore dark lips and smoky eyes.
When I arrived at the event, I fit right in. The outfit I had chosen was perfect.
The event was arranged at a banquet hall and had been elegantly decorated with beautifully made up tables and flower arrangements. There was a dance floor in the middle and a podium for speeches to the side. One corner of the hall had been set up as a hall of fame, and photos of the Dolphins and the cheerleaders covered the wall, photos of camaraderie and friendship, of loyalty and passion. There was even one photo of me where I was stretching with the girls, a photo that had been taken when no one knew. It was beautiful.
“What do you think?” Kina asked, joining in the corner of fame.
“It’s stunning,” I said. I turned around to look at the hall. “All of it. This is such a good idea.”
Kina smiled and nodded. “We like to make an effort to recognize the people who are on television all the time, as well as everyone who made it possible for them to live their dream.”
I nodded and turned back to the photos. It was like a family and it felt amazing to be a part of it.
“Where’s Kyle?” Kina asked, looking around.
“I’m here alone, tonight,” I said.
Kina’s eyes settled on me. She stayed silent, waiting for me to explain what had happened. I took a deep breath.
“The fake engagement took care of Tyler. That was the point, right? But I don’t think it’s going to work between me and Kyle. Seems like it’s over before it even started.”
“What happened?” Kina asked.
“He won’t let me in,” I said. “He won’t tell me what’s going on, he won’t share his life with me. I can’t do a relationship like that. Communication is everything. I can’t be the cheerleader for a team while I’m dating a man who despises them. None of it works.”
I stopped talking because a lump had risen in my throat and I didn’t want to cry in front of Kina. I didn’t want to cry at all. I had shed enough tears over him.
“Did you call it or did he?” Kina asked.
“I did, this time,” I said. “Better to end it now rather than wait and get burned again two years down the line.”
Kina took my hand and squeezed it. “I know you love him,” she said.
I nodded. “I’ve always loved him. But love isn’t enough. There has to be more.”
Kina nodded. “I know. And I agree. But love is enough of a reason to fight for something you believe in. You need to talk to him again and see if you can work it out. I know you’re serious about Kyle, and he might be all clammed up right now, but I know he’s serious about you, too.”
“Not serious enough to tell me what was going on in his life when it all happened,” I said. “He broke up with me instead. He hurt me, Kina. I can’t let him do that, again.”
Kina nodded. She understood. She knew what it had meant for Kyle to dump me. We had been one of the college power couples and our breakup hadn’t only been terrible, it had sparked rumors all around campus. That had only made it worse.
“I understand. And I’m not saying you should put yourself out there for no reason. But love is worth another try. If he doesn’t change when you bring it up again, by all means, walk away. But don’t walk away now and wonder what would have happened if you had tried once more.”
I smiled sadly. “What if, huh?” I asked.
“What if,” Kina said, and hugged me.
Someone turned on a microphone and called us to our tables, cutting our conversation short. Kina looped her arm through mine and we walked to our table, together. We sat down and listened to speeches. I only paid attention half the time. I was hoping Kyle would arrive the way the men did in movies. I wished he would show up wearing a tux, and make an attempt to win me back. I kept an eye out for him, just in case.
But that wasn’t going to happen because this wasn’t a movie, this was real life. And it wasn’t the first time I had lost Kyle because he wouldn’t o
pen up to me. He hadn’t come after me the first time. Why would this be any different?
Still, I held out. I clutched onto hope and I waited for my prince to come to save me. But he never came.
When the night was over and I wallowed in disappointment, the only person I was angry with was myself. I had waited for a man I knew wouldn’t come. I had trusted a man that had hurt me before. Every hurt I felt now—the heartache, the disappointment, the sorrow—was on me. It felt like shit to know that this time I had been in control and had done this to myself.
I thought about what Kina had said, that Kyle deserved one more chance. But what had it been when we’d slept together and stayed in the same apartment? Hadn’t that been a second chance after what had happened the first time? I didn’t know anymore. All I knew was that I wanted to go him, to get some sleep, and maybe figure it out in the morning. Maybe with the new light of day, everything would look different.
A girl could hope.
Chapter 17
Kyle
I got up when my alarm went off. I showered, brushed my teeth and styled my hair. I picked out a suit, matched it with a tie and laced up my work shoes. I got in my car early enough to miss peak rush hour traffic. I went through the motions, following my routine without thinking about it. I didn’t want to let myself think too much.
If I did, I would start thinking about Maya. I would think about how she left and why, then I would think that I was the problem. I couldn’t deal with that because it was true.
My phone rang, the sound startling me out of my autopilot mode. It rang through my car’s Bluetooth set, surrounding me. I pressed the talk button on my steering wheel to make the sound stop.
“Kyle,” Kina’s voice was all around me. “Are you on the road?”
“On my way to work,” I answered.
“I thought you might be. You need to hear me out, okay?”
Kina only said that to me when she was going to say something I wouldn’t like. I had an idea what it might be. But if she was going to shit all over me, I wouldn’t stand for it. We were the same age so she couldn’t play the mother.
“I know what you’re going to say,” I said.
“You’re an idiot.”
“Bingo.”
“I saw Maya last night. That girl is torn up over you. To be honest, I don’t see why. She shouldn’t have given you a second chance to begin with, she was bound to get hurt.”
I sighed heavily. I was getting irritated with Kina and I didn’t want to fight. “What’s the point of this conversation?” I asked. “I don’t feel like you taking a dump all over me about this.”
“The point, Kyle, is that you can’t keep losing her. If she slips through your fingers this time, she’s gone for good. I know you don’t want that. She’s the only woman you’ve ever loved.”
How the hell did Kina know that? I guess she was my sister. My twin. The one person that understood me, most of the time.
“I don’t want to do this, now,” I said. She was too close to the truth.
“Then when? You’ll lose her, you know. If you wait too long, someone else will scoop her up. I hear you’re not the only interested party.”
“If you’re talking about the asshole that’s stalking her, that’s never going to happen,” I said. I would kill him if he ever came close to her again.
“No, you’re right. It won’t happen with him. But what about when someone else comes along and tries to sweep her off her feet? What reason will she have to say no? What reason have you given her?”
This was getting worse and worse. She was right on all counts and it nailed me again and again.
Kina sighed. “Kyle,” she said, her voice gentler now. “I’ve seen you grow up and take responsibility, I’ve seen you pick yourself back up after you fell. But you need to drop this jealousy. It is ruining your life.”
“How am I supposed to just let it go?” I asked.
“The way you let anything bad go that happens to you. Shit happens, you know that. It’s no one’s fault. Liam couldn’t change the outcome any more than you did, and he couldn’t say no to the dream he had, too. You can’t blame him for that.”
She was right, of course. Everyone was right. That’s what bothered me so much. Because if no one could change it, I was stuck in this life forever.
“I have nothing left, Kina,” I said.
“That’s not true,” she said. “You have us. You’ll always have me, and Liam wants to be friends with you so bad he can’t stand it. He wants what you guys had back. He feels like shit that you didn’t make it, and he’s trying so hard. But if you keep pushing him away, he’ll disappear, too. You can’t help that you didn’t go pro, but you can help everything else you’re about to lose.”
Dammit, she was right. About all of it. And I hated it. I hated that he was right, that she saw through me, that she knew what was going to happen and that it was all true.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said. “Without football, I’m nobody.”
“That’s a damn lie and you know it. You’re a brother, a friend, a son. You could be a boyfriend. You’re a colleague. You’re an uncle. You’re a brilliant CA. You have so much going for you.”
I took a deep breath. “So I have to move on and forget it all, forget it ever happened?” I asked.
“Don’t forget, Kyle. But don’t let it eat you up. You can still start fresh. But you have to talk to Maya if you want her in your life at all. You can’t keep doing this. Not to us, and not to her. If you can make it happen with Maya, then you’re one step closer to making it right with all of us.”
I chuckled, “Is it conditional?” I asked.
“Yes,” Kina said, but I could hear her smiling. “I want to see you with the woman of your dreams. Don’t lose another dream because of this.”
Kina finally hung up and I drove on, my mind a muddled mess now that she had pointed out everything I had known deep down inside. I hated it when she called to lecture me. But she was right more often than not and I couldn’t argue with her. Maya was the only woman I had ever loved and if I didn’t do something, she was going to slip through my fingers. Kina was right. However much I hated it, I couldn’t deny it.
I dialed Maya’s number, hoping she would be up. She was a morning person but I had no idea what her schedule for the week looked like. Or maybe she wouldn’t want to talk to me.
She answered on the second ring.
“What do you want?” she asked. Her voice wasn’t unfriendly. Instead, she sounded tired.
“I would like to talk,” I said.
“I’m listening.”
“Face to face,” I added. “Please. I want to sort this out. Will you come over to my place tonight?” It was a tall order but I had to try. Maya thought about it for a while and I waited.
“Alright,” she finally said to my surprise. I had started to think it would be a no. “I’ll be there after seven.”
She ended the call. I hadn’t hoped for more of a conversation. I was glad she would allow me a chance to speak, it was all I could ask for.
That night, I cooked, something I hardly ever did. Grilled cheese and salad was the only thing I knew how to make. I wished I could do more, that I could have made her the meal she deserved, like chicken or steak or something. Even mac and cheese would have been a step up. But had a very limited arsenal so I had to make do. My salad was a bunch of ingredients, oddly chopped and thrown together in the hopes that I was doing it right. I had picked up a salad dressing and hoped the meal would impress her. I wanted her to realize that I would make an effort. That our relationship—if we could have one—would be something I would work on.
When I was ready, I waited nervously on the couch, staring at the front door as if I could will her into existence. When I had met her at college I had been nervous to ask her out on a date because she was intimidating. All independent women were. But this time, it was worse. This time, I knew what I would be losing if she rejected me. This seemed like an
all or nothing deal. I had a lot to gain, and one hell of a lot to lose.
I was no stranger to losing things that were important to me, but that didn’t mean it would hurt any less.
Maya was a little late and that terrified me. I was scared she had changed her mind and that she was standing me up. When she arrived, twenty minutes late, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“There was an accident on the expressway,” she said. “It took forever to get back from training.”
She didn’t hug me or kiss me hello. I didn’t expect her to.
“I’m glad you made it,” I said. “Thank you for coming.”
She nodded and sat down on the couch, looking at me wearily. She had put on jeans and a blouse with ballerina flats, casual clothes, but she looked good. Maya always looked good.
“I made supper,” I said pointing to the counter.
Maya looked surprised. “You don’t cook,” she said.
“I did tonight. I wanted to do something special for you.”
A small smile bled onto her face, and it was something, enough to show me it had worked, it had meant something. I brought her food to her on the tray so we could eat while we talked, so we could face each other instead of sitting side by side at the counter.
“I owe you an apology,” I said, once we had taken a few bites and Maya had sampled my food.
“I thought you didn’t owe me anything.”
I closed my eyes briefly. “Please, I don’t want to fight. I shouldn’t have said that. I was way out of line, and I’m sorry.”
Maya nodded once. Forgiveness or agreement?
“I am also sorry for how I acted when we broke up. And for breaking up with you in the first place. I hurt you and I was wrong.’
“I thought you didn’t want me anymore,” Maya said.
I shook my head. “I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you. But I felt like a failure. Everything I had worked for had disappeared just like that and I thought that I wasn’t good enough for you anymore. You love sports. You dated a football player, you love to train. I didn’t think the person I was without football would be good enough for you. Why would it be? It wasn’t good enough for me, either.”
