by Eva Luxe
For one small moment, something had been there. I was sure of it. I just wasn’t sure of how to get it back, capture it, keep it. It was almost as frustrating as those early days in the hospital had felt.
When we walked to the locker rooms together, Hanson and I walked side by side.
“I saw Sadie yesterday,” I said. “For brunch.”
Hanson glanced at me. “Shit. That’s big.”
I nodded.
“I asked her out for drinks after the game Saturday, but she was too tired.”
“How did it go?” Hanson asked.
“Well, she said she never wanted to see me again.”
Fucking fantastic, in other words.
“Oh.”
I nodded. We walked into the locker rooms in silence. When we sat on the bench together, pulling off our protective gear, I told him what was on my mind.
“For a moment, it was different. It was like everything was the way it used to be. It didn’t last very long, I don’t even know how to tell you what it was that gave it away. I just…” I blew out a breath in a sigh. “I don’t know.”
Hanson stopped tugging at his gear and looked at me, one hand on his knee, elbow jutted out.
“Maybe you should keep doing it,” he said.
I looked at him. “And just keep screwing myself over?”
“Well, you said it was just a chat, just catching up, right?”
I nodded.
“So, keep doing that. Keep just getting to know who she is now. Maybe something will come of it. If you push too hard, she shuts down, but if you don’t? If you just let her be?”
I blinked at him.
“And if I fall for her again, and she pushes me away eventually? I’ve already lost two years of my life because of this. Two years of loving her. I don’t think I have that much more time to waste. Time is money now.”
Hanson shrugged. “Love is always a risk. It’s just a different kind now.”
I nodded slowly, and Hanson carried on stripping off his gear. I did the same, my mind spinning.
“You know, women are like sand,” Hanson said.
I pulled a face. “What?”
He shook his head and then said it again. “Sand. Beach sand, I mean, not that muddy shit. If you hold onto the sand tightly, it slips out of your fingers. You know that, right? When we used to go to the beach as kids?”
I nodded, not knowing what he was getting at.
“But if you cup your hand, it stays right there. You can keep it all if you don’t squeeze. If you don’t hold on so tightly.”
I understood what he was trying to say.
“That’s what I learned with Lacey, anyway. Her and her fear of kids, and we have one. It’s not the best scenario, but we’re making it work.”
But it wasn’t that easy. It was fine to say that I could keep her, if she decided to stay. But if she didn’t? I had told Hanson that I’d taken a long time to get over her. The truth was, I hadn’t gotten over her at all.
I’d just learned to live with a hole in my life, with a gap that would never be filled. I couldn’t afford to hope it would change, and this time, she might come back to me.
Hope was a dangerous thing. I had hoped, once, and it had damn near crippled me. I couldn’t do it again. It was easy for Hanson to tell me how I should handle it. He had been through a difficult time in his relationship once, too. But he still didn’t know what it felt like or what I’d been through.
Everything was easier said than done.
I collected my bag and left the training center to go to the cafeteria. I wasn’t hungry, but I had to keep feeding my body if I was going to push this hard.
Hanson’s words kept running through my head, what he said about the sand and holding on too tightly. It was all well and good to say I had to keep trying, to get to know her for who she was now, and to just spend time with her. Maybe she would end up remembering me if we spent enough time together.
But she had pushed me away. Again. She had told me she couldn’t do it, and she was right. I wasn’t able to argue, to tell her what she should and shouldn’t do. I had already made it that much harder for her just after the accident, pushing for her to remember me, pushing for her to know who I was when it just wasn’t going to happen.
I couldn’t do it to her again. I should leave well enough alone and leave everything the way it was. I had built a life without her, I’d become famous, and I did what I loved.
I didn’t need someone in my life.
It was a blatant lie, of course, and I knew it. I was lying to myself to try and get over her. I just couldn’t go through it all again. I couldn’t fall for her, get to a point where I didn’t want to live without her again, just for her to tell me she didn’t want me in her life anymore.
Flashbacks about our time together— if you could call it “together”— always appeared at the worst times, and grated the shit out of me. I didn’t like thinking back on the love we shared because it hurt like hell. I didn’t like thinking back to the pain, either, because it hurt even more.
Chapter 10 – Brian
Back Then
It was another day in the very opposite of paradise— Sadie’s hospital room.
“Hello, Beautiful,” I said as I walked in, winking at her and trying to act normal, as if I wasn’t praying against all hope that this time she would actually recognize me.
She looked up at me. Her eyes were dull, the gray so light it was like an overcast day with no promise of rain or sun.
“Hi,” she said listlessly.
She had stopped fighting me about her memories, about what I was trying to get back. At first, she would get angry with me and tell me I was asking the impossible of her. Later, she would cry and tell me she was nothing more than a disappointment. Now, there was nothing left.
I had been upset about her mood swings, her violent fits of rage, and her hysterical outbursts. Sadie had always been a stable girl, someone everyone had depended on.
Now, she was unpredictable, different. To the point where I missed her instability, her fits of rage. All of that had been better than this lifeless shell sitting on her bed, staring at me like she was tired.
It wasn’t sleep tired, either. It was like she was tired of life. I could understand that.
Her mom hadn’t wanted to let me in. She had told me to let it go, to leave things as they were. There was only so much any of us could do before it became clear nothing was going to work. And she was beginning to get resentful that I kept pushing Sadie to remember things long after she had given up.
I often wondered if her mom was as mad at me as I was for “causing” the accident. She hadn’t even known we’d been at High Rock. I had had to call her and explain the awful news and she had come rushing with Sadie’s dad to the hospital.
So, it was natural to think she might be telling me to leave as a punishment. She’d never said she was angry with me— in fact, she had reassured me that it wasn’t my fault and that she knew that Sadie and I loved each other very much. She had often hoped and prayed that Sadie would remember me so we could be together again.
But by that point, she agreed with the doctors that it was better that I stay away. She said perhaps Sadie would have more peace and time alone to heal. Part of me even know she was right.
But I was stubborn. I didn’t want to listen. I wanted Sadie back and seeing her this way hurt me more and more every day.
Lately, I had been angry that I was the only one left with hope. Everyone else had thrown in the towel. Three months had been enough for Sadie to lose everyone she couldn’t remember, and I wouldn’t be another one of those people abandoning her.
But I understood it when I looked into her eyes. They were vacant, empty of fire, empty of the life I used to love about her.
Was this what we had come to?
I sat down next to her. I’d stopped reaching for her hand, trying to hold onto her. She wasn’t comfortable touching me anymore. Why would she be? I was a strang
er to her now.
She knew some people, like the salesman she’d met a week before the accident when he had come knocking on her parent’s door trying to sell them a silly set of Encyclopedias. We had laughed at him later— who the hell buys Encyclopedias anymore? Doesn’t he know there’s a thing called Google now? Has he not heard of the Internet?— but she didn’t know me when we had dated for two years.
She remembered the guy, kind of, but nothing at all about us laughing or joking about the guy, because she didn’t remember me or anything at all about me. I didn’t understand how it was possible.
The doctors said they couldn’t explain it, but it was normal.
What the fuck was normal? Who the fuck were they to tell me this was normal?
And what did they learn in school if not what the hell was going on with their patients and why? I knew I was misplacing blame onto the doctors who were taking great care of Sadie, but I was beyond the point of caring.
It seemed all they did was tell me “I don’t know, but it’s normal. We’ll just have to wait and see. The brain is a peculiar thing,” and other such fucking bullshit nonsense that made me want to slam my fist through the window of Sadie’s hospital room and pull both of us through the hole I would make. Maybe I had some crazy idea that by doing that, we could be sucked back into the past, or into some alternative universe where she hadn’t had the accident or she at least still had her memory.
But as I saw the look on her face as she opened her mouth to talk to me, I could tell she had different ideas. She just wanted this to be over with.
“Brian, I can’t do this,” she said.
When she looked up at me, her face was solemn, her eyes big, but there was no trace of tears.
“What?” I asked.
It was a fucking ridiculous and completely unnecessary question, since I already knew what she meant. I guess I just had the need to have her explain it to me, so I could feel the dagger going through my heart nice and slow.
She shook her head.
“All of this,” she said. “I can’t do it anymore. It’s not fair to you, and let’s face it. I’m never going to be the same. I don’t know who you are, and every time you expect me to remember something and I don’t, I just feel like more and more of a disappointment.”
I heard a loud crack then. I shook my head.
“Don’t do this, baby, please.”
Her face closed a little at the accidental pet name.
“Don’t push me away,” I said, but I knew it was too late.
She shook her head again. Her hair was straight and plastered up against her head from lying in her hospital bed. It didn’t have the curly ringlets from the night of prom. But it still looked beautiful to me, as did everything else about her, and I couldn’t believe I was losing all of her.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
She looked at me with a face that said she was sorry she hurt me, but she wasn’t hurting, too. She didn’t feel a thing. She told the man she’d loved for two years goodbye without shedding a tear, and I had no choice but to walk out of her life for good.
Chapter 11 – Sadie
Present Day and Back Then
I thought not speaking to Brian would make everything better again. I had pushed him away the first time, and it had helped. All the reminders of everything forgotten had gone away with him, and I had been able to move on with my life. Or at least, what had been left of it.
This time, that hadn’t happened at all. In fact, pushing him away had just seemed to cement him in my mind, and I couldn’t forget about him at all.
It didn’t help that he was on the news, and anyone who talked about football reminded me of him. And I worked at the Sharks’ facility with the girls. What if I saw him again?
I hadn’t seen him since Sunday, but two days wasn’t enough to know I wouldn’t see him again.
Chances were I would, even if it was just on television.
On Tuesday evening, I trained with the girls again. It was a normal training session. The girls were in top shape and doing well. I’d started training with them instead of standing on the sidelines and calling the shots. I missed being active. I missed using my body and pushing myself to the limits.
Working so hard physically also helped me feel grounded. While the adrenaline flowed and I focused on doing everything precisely, I didn’t think about anything at all. During the times I trained or went for a run, I didn’t think about Brian, and that was the only peace I found.
Tonight, I had thought about not training my squad. I could let Lorraine do it. I was getting sick of pushing them too hard, and I was burning out. I knew when I had to stop, that even though getting away from my thoughts sounded like the best idea, I wasn’t going to sacrifice my health and well-being for it.
But I hadn’t listened to myself, so here I was, doing the only thing I knew how to do— trying to push through the pain, both emotionally and physically. That’s what this sport was about, and it had served me well during the last five years.
“Well done, girls,” I called when they completed the routine without a hitch. “Let’s do it again.”
They complained. I laughed and shook my head.
“We don’t train until we get it right. We train until we can’t get it wrong.”
I froze. Brian had always said that. I didn’t know how I knew, but I knew.
A memory slammed into my mind so clear, so undeniably a memory and not a fantasy or a dream, I couldn’t breathe.
Sophomore year was my favorite. We weren’t the babies of the school anymore, and senior year was still far enough off that we didn’t have to worry. Life was all about making good enough grades to pass, but not so serious that we needed to get into college yet. Life was perfect. I had great friends, my cheerleading was going better than ever, and I had a place where I belonged.
“I don’t think I’m going to Charlie’s party tonight,” I said to Breanna, my best friend.
“Come on, Sadie. The whole team is going to be there. You can’t miss out on it. We do everything together.”
I rolled my eyes, but she was right. We did everything together, and I liked spending time with my friends.
“The parties get a little out of hand sometimes. And you know Charlie is going to try get alcohol. What if the police show up this time?”
Breanna shook her head. “You stress too much.”
I shrugged. Maybe she was right.
Which was why I ended up going. Charlie’s house was huge, and everyone that wasn’t a junior had arrived, whether they were invited or not. All my friends were there. We were all dressed in our cheering outfits, a picture perfect squad, a team united.
But I wasn’t feeling it. The loud music, the inevitable alcohol. It just wasn’t my scene tonight.
I walked out onto the terrace and leaned against the rail that looked out over the lawn.
“Are you okay out here?” someone asked behind me.
When I turned, Brian stood behind me. He was on the football team, and we saw each other often during training and games, but we’d never really spoken to each other.
He was so hot, though. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me. Tingles ran down my spine as I lowered my eyes away from his intense, handsome ones, only to end up staring at his broad shoulders and chest. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.
“Just getting some air,” I said.
“It’s a little crazy in there, tonight,” he said, and I blinked at him as he came to stand next to me. “Sometimes I prefer a quiet night.”
“You don’t always like to drink and party and scope the girls? Not a lot of guys would admit to that,” I said.
Brian shrugged. “I’m not a lot of guys. I’m me.”
I nodded. That was true.
“Do you want to go sit down there, on the grass?” he asked.
I hesitated a second. What would they think if I disappeared with Brian? I only wondered a moment before I decided I didn’t care. I nodded, and he smiled
.
We walked down to the grass and sat under a tree, looking back at the house. We could hear the faint thud of music and the laughter scattering through the crowds, and I felt oddly removed from it.
I liked it.
We started talking. We talked about everything. What we liked, our hobbies, and dreams. I wanted to go to college and have a career that would help other people and change lives. I didn’t know what yet. I wanted to be on the cheerleading squad at college. He wanted to play pro ball. He told me he could tell I was going places, that I could do whatever I set my mind to.
He seemed so sure of it, and then I realized it’s because it was the philosophy that he himself lived by. It was refreshing to find someone so inspirational and positive, when most of the kids my age were complaining about trivial things like not being able to buy beer, or that the latest hit album that was always playing on the radio sucked.
I was supposed to stay over at Breanna’s house, but I didn’t want to go back inside and look for her. I didn’t want to break the bubble Brian and I were caught in. We talked all night.
The sun finally rose over the horizon. I huddled into the jacket he’d given me against the cold, and he sat close to me so our bodies heated each other without being inappropriate.
It was as if he just wanted to get to know me for me, although he was also very complimentary about my looks, my body. He was the perfect gentleman. As if he had just stepped out of some romance novel.
I looked up at him as the golden rays of the sun kissed his sandy hair, and I realized I liked this boy. I could love this boy, if I wanted to.
When he turned to me, he smiled as if he knew.
I pressed my hands against my chest. My head ached dully, and the scar throbbed. I raised my fingers to it.
“Coach?” one of the girl asked me.
I shook my head while trying to shake away the image. But I shouldn’t try to push it away. It could be dangerous to remember it and follow wherever the memory might take me in the here and now, but, it was also all I had. I didn’t want to regret not savoring it enough, like the other memories that had come and gone.
