by K. Langston
He shoves the phone into his front pocket and spins around. “How is she?” I ask, my stomach twisted in knots.
“She’s been real tired lately but she doesn’t let it slow her down. I have to stay on her constantly to get rest. She only agreed to take leave from her job because I threatened to go up there and haul her ass out myself. That woman is as stubborn as you are.”
“I am not stubborn.”
Linc bursts into laughter, the sound deep and familiar, tickling my spine.
I love his laugh. It’s so genuine. Contagious. It never fails to elicit my own, no matter how hard I try not to.
“You’re the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.”
“I can say the same about you. Well, except the woman part.”
He laughs again.
“She wants you and Caroline to come over for dinner Saturday night.”
Shame washes over me, reminding me of the time I’ve lost with her. There are so many things I’d change if I had the chance to do it all over again. I just hope Gwynn has found it in her heart to forgive me.
“I’d love that.”
He frowns, walking toward me. “You okay?”
I shrug, my eyes falling to the floor. “I don’t know.”
Closing the distance between us, his soft green eyes hold mine. I feel so raw beneath his gaze. He can see all the things I try to hide so there’s no use in even trying. His fingers lift my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes once more. I find comfort and understanding there, and something I thought I lost a long time ago.
Myself.
“You’ll get through this, and what’s waiting for you on the other side will be worth the climb. Trust the journey, baby, and trust me to help get you there.”
“I do trust you. I always have. It’s just…it still hurts so much. I’m tired of hurting, Linc. I’m just so tired.”
“I know, baby. I know it hurts. There’s nothing I can do about the pain. You have to feel it, Syl. You have to feel it so you can live it and move on. But you have to try. Avoiding me and avoiding life isn’t gonna make it go away. You have to face this.”
“I know,” I whisper, my heart squeezing with agony in my chest.
He lowers his mouth to mine and all of my sorrows seem to melt away. He’s a whisper of hope upon my lips, steadfast and true; giving me the one thing I need the most right now—his love. His hands move to my hips while his tongue wars with mine in a quest to brand me in some way but he doesn’t have to.
My heart has always belonged to him.
I sigh into his mouth, tilting my head to deepen the kiss. His groan of pleasure prompts me to fist the fabric of his shirt, pulling him closer. Those hands digging into my hips move to cradle my face as he begins to slow the kiss. “To know I can kiss you anytime I want is something I’ll never get used to.”
I smile, opening my eyes to find his staring back at me with great intensity. “Who said you can kiss me anytime you want?”
He kisses me again with even more possession. “You sayin’ I can’t?”
“We need to be careful around Caroline. At least until we figure things out.”
“I won’t rush you. I want you to heal, and I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure that happens but you’re mine now. I don’t know any other way to say it. I just know I can’t go another day without you by my side. Life is too damn short for that. We’re in this together, Syl. We always have been.”
This is so far away from the boy who was once afraid to tell me how he felt all those years ago. This is a man who knows exactly what he wants, and he isn’t wasting any more time.
“I come with a lot of baggage, Linc. A little girl who lost her father, and then there’s me. There’s not much left but a few broken pieces. I’m not the girl I was back then.”
“That’s not true. I know exactly who you are. You’re the girl who could always make me smile, even on the shittiest of days. The girl who stole my heart in the fifth grade and never gave it back. That’s who you are. Life may have shaped you to be the woman you are today, but all of those parts are still there. Every memory we ever shared, they’re all still there. And I plan on reminding you of every single one.”
Present
He’s been over every night this week. We haven’t delved into the past much. It’s hard to do that with Caroline around, but the memories just continue to come.
Mostly we’ve talked about what he’s been up to. His third album, titled Grandeur, will drop in a few weeks. When I asked him why he named it after our tiny little town, he told me most of the album’s songs were all about coming home or enjoying the grander things in life. I haven’t had a chance to listen to them all yet. I’m nervous about it actually. Linc’s music has always been special to me. I can relate to it. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve always been so close or because we come from the same place but every song he’s ever written has some kind of lifeline to my soul.
Tonight we’re going to Gwynn’s for supper. I’m excited to get out of the house and so is Caroline. I even made a big deal about getting dressed up. Well, not too dressed up. Just enough to make it girlie and fun. I put on one of my old sundresses and spent a little extra time on my hair and makeup, something I haven’t done lately. Caroline is wearing a pink shirt, her favorite floral skirt that hits just above the knee with a cute little ruffle along the hem, and her baby pink chucks. I braided her dark locks into two French braids on each side. She’s been anxious to get here all day and as soon as we step on the porch, Linc opens the front door.
“There’s my girls.”
Per her usual greeting, Caroline throws her arms around his waist. “Hey, Linc.”
“Hey, sweet girl.”
“Where’s Gwynnie?”
“She’s in the kitchen. Why don’t you go run in and say hi,” Linc says.
Once she’s out of sight, he steps out onto the porch, closing the door behind him.
He’s dressed in his customary threadbare jeans and a navy blue Dawson’s brewery T-shirt.
“Nice shirt,” I comment when he takes me in his arms.
The palm of my hand balances the plate of peach bars I made for dessert as his mouth moves to my ear. “I’ll let you wear it later if you want,” he mutters, and I can feel the hidden meaning of his words tingling down below.
He presses a kiss to my burning cheek, intensifying the tingle to a hot ache.
“Did you bring me treats?” he asks, pulling away.
“Peach bars.” Taking the plate, he clasps my hand with his own, leading me inside.
“Oh wow, it smells incredible in here.”
“I made roast.”
“You made roast?” I ask suspiciously.
“Hey, I’ve improved on my culinary skills.” He winks over his shoulder. “With Mama’s help of course.”
“Of course.”
It takes everything I have not to cry when I walk into the kitchen. It’s been nearly six months since I’ve seen Gwynn, when she came into the café to have lunch. She would call from time to time to check up on Caroline and me but I wasn’t very talkative, especially when she would bring up Linc. How could I have been so selfish after all she’s done for me?
Gwynn doesn’t miss a beat, immediately taking me in her arms and hugging me tight. It’s impossible to hold back the tears.
“I’ve missed you and that sweet girl so much, Sylvie,” she whispers.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called or come by, Gwynn. Things have just been so…”
Her hand cups my face as she gives me a knowing smile. “No apologies. You’re both here now and that’s what’s most important.”
I nod, envious of her forgiving heart and strength. She doesn’t look sick at all. She’s as vibrant as ever with a colorful paisley scarf wrapped around her head and her cheeks a rosy shade of rouge. Linc told me she lost all of her hair because of the chemo, but it clearly hasn’t stolen her beauty.
No medicine in the world can rob her of that.
> “My boy has been hard at it all day. He won’t let me lift a finger to help so why don’t we go out on the porch and have a visit while he finishes up.”
“That sounds lovely.”
I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much. There are people in our lives that no matter how much time we spend apart, you can always pick back up right where you left off. That’s the way it always is with Gwynn.
And with Linc.
I’ve forgotten what it feels like to live outside of the darkness I allowed to consume me. It feels good to step into the light. We sit on the porch for the next hour, reminiscing about our younger days.
“Dinner was delicious, Gwynn. Thank you for having us,” I tell her as we sit at the kitchen table sipping coffee. Linc and I cleaned up then he and Caroline retreated to the living room to watch America’s Got Talent, one of Caroline’s favorite shows.
“Well, Linc did most of the work.”
Every now and then, a burst of laughter trickles into the kitchen, tickling my soul.
“That’s a beautiful sound,” she murmurs over her cup before taking a tentative sip. I nod, smiling back at her. “He’s missed you both so much. The last year has been really hard on him.” Tears burn the back of my eyes and clog my throat. “I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. I’m pretty sure you do a good job of that all on your own. I’m telling you because you need him. Just like he needs you. I know what you’re goin’ through, Sylvie. I may not have lost my husband the same way you did, but grief has one common denominator. It’s a heavy fuckin’ load.”
I’ve never heard her use that word before. Matter of fact, I’ve never heard Gwynn Matthews utter a curse word.
Ever.
She can clearly see the shock written on my face. “Sometimes life requires the “F” word, sweetheart.”
Laughing, the tightness eases in my chest. She appears to be reflecting on a memory before she finally begins again. “Best way for me to describe it, grief is like a suitcase. You have to get out of the bed every single day, pick it up, and take it with you wherever you go. Some days it feels like it’s filled with rocks, other days, light as a feather.” Her open hand reaches for mine. “But you don’t have to carry it alone.”
I think about her words carefully, allowing them to seep into my heart and mind. Sharing the grief I carry requires more than a little courage and whole lot of strength. Two traits I’m sorely lacking. My body sags with defeat.
“You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, darlin’.” She continues squeezing my hand. “You always have been.”
“I’ve made so many mistakes, Gwynn. I’m not sure how to overcome them.”
She waves her hand between us. “The past is where you learn the lesson, the future is where you apply it. We all make mistakes, dear. We learn from them and move on.”
“That’s good advice, Gwynn.”
She gives me a soft smile. “I speak the truth, child.”
After filling me in on her diagnosis and treatment plan, we move onto lighter topics when she tells me about a date she had with Greg Bradley a few weeks ago. “Don’t say anything to Linc. I’m not sure how he’d feel about it, but I really like Greg. He’s funny. He makes me laugh, and you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine.”
We both laugh as Linc enters the room. “Shh!” he says as he walks toward us. “You’ll wake her up.” His hands meet my shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze.
“She fell asleep?” I ask.
Linc chuckles. “One minute she was talkin’ my ear off and the next she was out.”
“We should go,” I tell him, standing up.
“Why don’t you let her stay the night? You can come pick her up tomorrow afternoon,” Gwynn offers.
“I don’t know. We haven’t been apart since…”
Gwynn reaches for my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Let her stay. She’ll be fine. We have a lot of time to make up for.”
I look over at Linc who’s looking right back at me with the same purpose that beats inside of my chest.
Indeed, we do.
Present
After we get back from Gwynn’s we settle on the living room couch. Me with a bottle of wine and Linc with his Lumberjacks. We spend hours talking. Sharing memory after memory until we gorge ourselves on the past. There’s something to be said about someone who knows everything about you. All of your embarrassing moments, your dark secrets, every undeniable truth.
The tension crackling between us is so potent I think I might burst into flames, seduced by every smile and word that falls from his lips.
“Remember when we were fifteen and we rolled Mr. Whitehead’s yard with toilet paper.” Linc chuckles, his green eyes sparkling with mischief.
“He was so pissed when he walked outside.”
“We almost got caught because of you,” he says.
“Because of me?”
“Yeah, you squealed like a girl when he flipped on the porch light. If I hadn’t covered your mouth and dragged you to the woods, we would’ve been busted for sure.”
“It would’ve been worth it. Mr. Whitehead was such an asshole.”
He was our high school history teacher, and I swear he had it out for Linc and me. We couldn’t even look at each other without getting into trouble.
We spent a good part of our sophomore year in the hallway.
“That was the first time I ever wanted to kiss you.”
My lips part as he slips the wine glass from my hand and sets his empty beer bottle on the coffee table next to it. He scoots in closer, bringing a new wave of heat with him. His closeness is more intoxicating than ever, more potent.
“When we were crouched down, hidden behind the trees, my heart was racing.” He gently picks my hand up from my lap and places it on his chest, feeling the thundering beat of his heart as he holds it in place. Then he brings his fingers to my cheek, grazing my skin with his knuckles. “Not because I was afraid of gettin’ caught, but because you were so scared. And all I could think about was kissing you, so you wouldn’t be afraid.”
My heart beats harder. “Why didn’t you? Kiss me, I mean?”
“I don’t know, but I regret it every goddamn day of my life.”
He drags a finger beneath my bottom lip, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. His eyes dart to my mouth, and I watch in fascination as his body grows tense and his breathing picks up.
Beneath my hand I feel his heart gain speed, leaping with abandon toward mine.
“No more regrets, Sylvie,” he whispers just before his lips cover mine.
His kiss is full of promise and strength, unlike anything I’ve ever known. His kisses before were breathtaking, heart stopping.
But they all pale in comparison to this one.
This one is built of salvation and love.
Longing and desire.
Moving one hand to the back of my head, he lowers me to the couch where he positions himself on one side. His other hand roams the outer lines of my body, skimming over the parts I desperately want him to touch. His tongue dances with mine, in a tango of heat so hot I’m certain I’ll burn up from it.
“Jesus Christ, is this really happening?”
“Yes,” I breathe.
His hand moves to my neck, angling it so he can kiss me deeper. My hands clutch his shirt as I pull one foot to dig into the couch. I feel like if I don’t ground myself I’ll float away.
“Linc,” I plead. “Touch me.”
He grins against my lips before nipping the bottom one. “I’m touchin’ you.”
I groan. “Please.”
Smiling, he pulls back to look into my eyes. “I don’t know where to start. Part of me wants to take my time, so we don’t miss a damn thing, but the other part wants to ravage you, rip your clothes off, and show you once and for all who you have always belonged to.”
“Yes, I want all of that.”
I barely get the words out of my mouth before he’s doing just th
at. His hands drop to the hem of my dress, pulling it up and over my head before tossing it onto the floor.
He caresses each breast, giving them a hard squeeze while placing a worshiping kiss on each swell. Dropping hot kisses down the center of my belly, my hands skate through his hair, gripping the strands to encourage his journey. His fingers hook the sides of my panties and his lips follow them all the way down my trembling legs. It’s hard to concentrate on everything at once.
Because all I can think about is how each brush of his lips and touch of his hands fills my soul with redemption.
“Breathe,” he whispers the command softly.
I release his hair along with an imprisoned breath. He rests back on his haunches, pulling his t-shirt over his head, his green eyes roaming up and down my body appreciatively. I squirm beneath his heated stare.
Now that the moment is here, I thought I would be more nervous, more…apprehensive.
But I’m not.
Nothing has ever felt more right.
Linc stands up from the couch, removing his jeans and socks, then with his eyes locked on mine, he slides down his boxer briefs. I never break eye contact as he drops one knee, taking his place once again between my parted legs. The couch is large enough to accommodate us thankfully, because I don’t think I could move from this spot even if I wanted to. My knees are trembling and my heart is racing with anticipation of what’s to come, wreaking havoc on all of my senses.
I feel him, all of him, settle between my thighs, the weight of him drawing a heated gasp from my lips. He catches it on cue as he swiftly covers my mouth with his. His hips begin to move slightly, with each dip of his delicious tongue, thrusting against me, creating an insane amount of friction. Our skin is melded together, grateful for the contact that has been denied for so long. Linc reaches between us, dragging his fingers slowly through my wet, hot flesh.
