by Chad Kultgen
He closed his sunroof, got as comfortable as he could in his driver’s seat, and fell asleep wondering what other angels he would meet on his trip to California.
chapter
twenty-three
Karen’s mother, Lynn, agreed to accompany Karen to her next doctor’s visit, which would include an ultrasound that would be capable of revealing the gender of the fetus. Assuming Karen probably wanted to know as little about her unborn child as possible, Lynn had not asked her daughter if she planned to find out, but as they drove, her curiosity got the best of her. She said, “I don’t really know how you’re feeling, or what you’re thinking about all this right now, and I don’t really even know if you want to talk to me about it, but I’m going to ask you anyway. Do you want to know if your baby is a boy or a girl?”
Karen said, “It’s not a baby. It’s a fetus. And, no, I don’t want to know.”
Lynn was silent for several seconds before saying, “Okay. You know the doctor is going to know when she does the ultrasound, right?”
Karen said, “I know, but I don’t want to know.”
Lynn said, “Okay. Okay,” and remained quiet for several more seconds before asking her daughter, “Would you care if the doctor told me?”
Karen said, “Why would you want to know? It’s really likely that I won’t be having this baby. The money is really slowing down, and unless it picks up there’s no way it’s going to hit the goal. That’s the reason I don’t want to know. Are you sure you do?”
Lynn said, “I’m not sure. I’m not at all. But . . . Look, I’m about to open a whole can of worms here. Do you want to have this conversation now?”
Karen knew her mother was anxious to have a real talk about the whole thing, which she had been denied since this all began. Karen had been feeling somewhat guilty about this, and now she finally gave in. She said, “Yeah, it’s fine. Let’s do it. We have to at some point.”
Lynn said, “Okay. I’m not going to get mad or chastise you. I would have in the beginning, when your father and I first found out this was you, but I’m past that. I guess I just don’t understand why you couldn’t refund the money after you prove your point, either way, and then have the baby anyway and raise it yourself.”
Karen said, “Because I don’t want to have a baby.”
Lynn said, “I know. You’ve always said that. But let me tell you something, and this is not me trying to coax you into having grandbabies for me. When you’re forty, and you look back on this moment in your life, you’re going to have regrets if you don’t have this baby. It’s that simple.”
Karen said, “You know what? I might. You could be completely correct. But I’m not having the baby, Mom. I can’t. I just can’t. There’s so much other shit wrapped up in this, I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
Lynn said, “Yeah, this is complicated, no doubt about that. But it will be far more complicated for you later in life if you don’t have it.”
Karen said, “Okay, just for argument’s sake, let’s say I have this baby, no matter how everything turns out. That kid would be at least as much of a public figure as I am right now. I don’t think that’s fair, you know, to bring a kid into the world with that burden right off the bat.”
Lynn said, “And you think aborting the baby is fair?”
Karen said, “For me, this fetus is just a means to an end. Obviously, if the site hits its mark, then I’ll have the baby, and it will get to live. And maybe it will even get to live in anonymity, if whoever ends up adopting the kid wants it that way. That’s about as fair as this kid could hope for, I guess. But let’s get back to your original premise here, where I have the kid and raise it myself. At what point do I tell him or her why people are always taking its picture and why it’s always being talked about and why so many people in the world hate its mom? Is that a tenth-birthday conversation? Listen, little Johnny or Jenny, I accidentally got pregnant, and then I decided to use you, when you were a fetus, to prove that the religious right in this country is filled with a bunch of misogynist assholes who want to take away women’s rights at every turn. I was fully prepared to abort you, but once I proved my point, I didn’t. Instead I had you, kept you, and now your entire life will be a sideshow attraction.”
Lynn said, “It doesn’t have to be like that, and you know it.”
Karen said, “I think it has to be pretty close to that. In a best-case scenario.”
Lynn said, “I just find it very hard to accept that you could actually have this baby, my grandchild, and give it to someone else to raise.”
Karen said, “I really don’t think that’s going to happen, Mom.”
Lynn said, “Really? Then why are we going to a doctor right now to get an ultrasound?”
Karen said, “Because I’m fucking pregnant. Jesus Christ. You know I need to have a doctor take a look at me to make sure everything’s okay with me, with my body. This isn’t just to take pictures of the baby.”
Lynn said, “So you do think of it as a baby, then?”
Karen said, “Jesus fucking Christ.”
Lynn said, “Sorry. This is just hard for me and your father, too, you know?”
Karen said, “I know, and I’m sorry you guys got dragged into this. I never wanted anyone to know it was me.”
Lynn said, “How were you going to keep your dad and me from finding out that you were pregnant? We were going to see you sooner or later, weren’t we?”
Karen said, “I was just going to be really busy with my dissertation for a while.”
Lynn said, “So you were going to lie to us?”
Karen said, “Yes, Mom, I was going to lie to you to avoid conversations just like this one. I was trying to focus on the bigger picture.”
Lynn said, “The bigger picture is your family, Karen. That’s always what the bigger picture is. I know you think what you’re doing is important, and it’s going to change people, but it might not. Even if you get the money, or don’t get the money, or whatever you think you want to happen actually happens, do you think the world will really be that different? And even if it is different, will it be different in the way you intended? The world moves at a slow pace. If you try to change it too much, it will reject you.”
Karen said, “Jesus, Mom, thanks for the pep talk.”
Lynn said, “Honey, I’m just saying that when you look back on all of this, years from now, you might realize it was all a lot of pain and suffering for not much of a result. Once it ends, people will go back to their lives, and eventually they’ll all forget about it. But if you have a son or a daughter, you’ll get to watch them grow into a person. And I just can’t tell you”—and now she was starting to cry a bit—“I just can’t tell you how rewarding that is.”
Karen said, “Mom, don’t cry.”
Lynn said, “I can’t help it. I remember the day we brought you home and your dad and I had a conversation about who we thought you’d be when you grew up.”
Karen said, “I know. You’ve told me this a hundred times.”
Lynn said, “I thought you’d be a ballerina because you were born with long legs, and your dad thought—”
Karen said, “He thought I’d be a race car driver, because I’d squeeze his fingers until my knuckles were white. I know. You were both wrong.”
Lynn said, “Yes, we were wrong, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that you grew into this incredible person, and we got to see that happen. For both of us, there’s not one thing we did that’s more important than raising you. And I just want you to have that experience, too.”
Karen said, “I get it. I really do. But try and see it from my perspective. For me, doing this, doing something that forces people to think and maybe even change their minds about something, is just as important to me as having a kid was to you and Dad. I understand what you’re saying, Mom. I always have when baby shit comes up. But I just don’t feel the same way, and I’m asking you to respect that.”
Lynn said, “You kno
w we respect you, honey, but this is something that’s beyond respect.”
Karen said, “I know. It’s my life, and I’m trying to do what I think is best.”
Lynn said, “It’s not just your life, though. That’s the thing I think you’re not really taking the time to see. You’re living with us. You’re affecting our lives, too.”
Karen said, “If it’s an inconvenience, I can get another place. I just don’t want to be somewhere where my name’s on a lease so that weirdos can find me.”
Lynn said, “That’s not what I meant. You’re not inconveniencing us. We’re happy to have you back. I meant that this isn’t just about you, because what if those weirdos show up at our front door or the cameras or whatever? We’re part of this, too, now. And what about Paul? I know he can’t be doing too good. You guys broke up, or whatever happened, but I know you still love each other, and no matter what happens with the baby, that will still be true. I guess I’m just asking you to think about all this, because when you’re old, whether you have a child or not, you’re going to have lived with whatever the fallout is from this. That could be bad.”
Karen said, “I know, Mom. I know. But it’s worth what I’m doing.”
Lynn said, “Okay, honey. If you really think that, then okay.”
As they turned onto the street where Dr. Prasad’s office was, they saw the crowd immediately. It was a smaller crowd, but it was similar to what Karen experienced the last time she was on UCLA’s campus. There were two groups outside of Dr. Prasad’s building—one supporting Karen and one protesting. And there were more signs, many of them directed at Dr. Prasad, with phrases like “Prasad is a Baby Killer,” and “You Don’t Have to Perform the Abortion to Kill a Baby.”
Karen noticed one sign that showed her own face next to Hitler’s and read, “God Kills All Antichrists.” Although Karen found the sign amusing, she also began to understand for the first time that these people had a visceral hatred for her. They saw what she was doing as the equivalent of murdering millions of people. They truly believed that she was working with, or for, the Christian Satan. She wondered what people of other religions might think of what she was doing. There had been very little commentary about it online from other religious groups, and nothing as vitriolic as what the Christian groups were writing about her.
The two groups had positioned themselves on either side of the driveway leading to the building’s underground parking garage. Three police officers were keeping the groups separate and corralling them onto the sidewalk so they wouldn’t spill out into the street. They were also prohibiting them from going into the building.
Lynn said, “This is what I was talking about. This is nuts.”
Karen said, “It’s what I was talking about, too, Mom. When’s the last time you’ve seen anyone this invested in an idea?”
As they drove into the parking garage, someone spit on the car’s driver’s-side window. Lynn said, “I’m not real sure they’re invested in anything but hating you at the moment, honey.”
Karen and her mother made their way through the building and into Dr. Prasad’s waiting room, where two other women gave them less-than-welcoming stares. Before Karen could even sign in, Dr. Prasad herself came out and asked Karen if they could speak privately. Once in Dr. Prasad’s office, Dr. Prasad said, “Karen, I’m really sorry to have to do this, but I don’t think I can continue being your doctor.”
Karen said, “What? You’ve been my doctor for almost my entire life. Are you serious?”
Dr. Prasad said, “Unfortunately, I am. I want you to know that I have nothing against you and I don’t even mind what you’re doing. Even if I did, I’d still be your doctor. I don’t pass any kind of moral judgment on any of my patients.”
Karen said, “Okay. Then why are you turning me away?”
Dr. Prasad said, “I’m sure you saw the crowd outside. They’ve been there for three days. I don’t know how they knew I was your doctor, but they found out somehow, and now they’re scaring my other patients—and everyone who works in this building, for that matter—and those people are starting to complain to me. I just can’t put all of these people through this. I hope you understand that I don’t want to be doing this, but I just can’t, in good conscience, continue being your doctor.”
Karen said, “Wow. What happened to the Hippocratic oath?”
Dr. Prasad said, “Come on. I don’t want to argue about this. I’ve found another doctor for you. She’s a great prenatal doctor and a pediatrician, just like me. I’ve known her since medical school, and she said she’d be happy to help you. No one knows we talked about it, so you should be able to remain anonymous with her. It will be easier for everyone involved, including you. I know you can’t enjoy driving through that mob outside to come in here. Do you enjoy it?”
Karen said, “No. Of course not.”
Dr. Prasad handed Karen a business card with the information for her new doctor and said, “Karen, I am truly sorry to have to do this. I’ve never turned a patient away before. But I think we both know this is best for us all.”
As Karen walked out of her office Dr. Prasad said, “Good luck, Karen. I really mean that.”
chapter
twenty-four
James had been on the road for a few days and had no more interactions with anyone he considered a possible angel. He was thankful that God had sent him two angels on his first day of the journey, and although he hoped the weeks ahead of him would bring him more, James was anxious not to seem selfish or ungrateful in this desire.
His drive through New Mexico was uneventful. The sand and rock formations in the landscape were filled with colors, many more than he had ever seen at home. James saw beauty and majesty in this and thanked God for making such a wonderful world.
As he drove into Arizona, James stopped to eat at a McDonald’s. There, in the booth next to him, he saw a mother, father, son, and daughter eating together. It was a Sunday, and their clothing suggested that they had all just come from church. James knew it was rude to stare, but he found himself studying the family in detail. As he did, he found his gaze coming to rest on the mother more than the father or the children. She was pretty, and James briefly wondered what it must be like to make love to her. He felt ashamed immediately, but knew that his thought had come from a place of purity and not lust. He found her attractive, but there was something about her that was righteous and pious. She was dressed nicely but modestly. Her hair was pulled back in a tight bun, and she rarely looked up from her meal. He could tell that she was the woman God meant for that man, and that’s what he really found attractive. It wasn’t about her flesh. It was about her spirit.
Since leaving home, James hadn’t given much thought to the possibility that he would never have a wife, never have a family. It was something he had forced himself to accept as a possible part of God’s plan, but when he was faced with such an example of blissful Christian marriage, it was difficult not to want it for himself. He knew this was simply a test. It was merely God making sure that James was prepared for whatever he would be called to do, no matter what he might have to sacrifice. God had to know that nothing could distract him from his task, not even the promise of something that James had wanted since he was a child. James finished eating and left the McDonald’s without giving the family who sat next to him another thought. He knew God was pleased with him.
As James made his way back toward the highway, he began to wonder what God’s next sign would be. He still knew only that he was to make his way to California. He had personally selected Los Angeles as the exact destination, and since he’d seen no sign to contradict the choice, he continued on that path. Nonetheless, he hoped to see a sign very soon. He wasn’t thinking about his next steps out of confusion or fear, but rather out of excitement. James found that he felt happiest and most alive when he could see God working in front of him, when he could feel God’s hand guiding him to his divine purpose. It was when James was thinking about this that he receive
d what was unmistakably God’s next sign. On a telephone pole next to the freeway on-ramp James was about to take were two posters, one above the other. The top poster was for an event called the Arizona Praisefest. It read, “In Jesus’s Name We Celebrate! Prayer Sessions! Bible Giveaways! Spiritual Music! All Weekend Long! Bring Your Family! Arizona Praisefest!” James noticed that this event had taken place the weekend prior but underneath that poster was another that read, “Flagstaff Gun Show This Weekend—Coconino County Fairgrounds.” James was less than an hour from Flagstaff, and he knew there was no way God would have put that poster directly under the Arizona Praisefest poster if he wasn’t meant to go to that gun show.
On the drive to the gun show, James thought very specifically about what God had told him on that third day in his apartment. He tried to recall the exact words God used, but found it difficult. He knew it didn’t matter. God had revealed his plan, and James was certain that he was doing what was required of him, but ever since that day he had wondered how exactly he would be asked to carry out the plan. He knew that he had to get to California, and he knew that God would eventually demand more than just his presence—that he would be called to action and he would have to be prepared. James thought that certainly the gun show had something to do with this preparation. As he pulled his car into the parking lot at the Cococino County Fairgrounds, he assumed that God had brought him there to meet another angel. He thought it was a strange place for an angel to be, but he knew not to question God. There was a reason he was at the gun show. Some new directive or piece of information regarding his journey was at that gun show, and James would find it.
