An Earthly Knight

by Janet Mcnaughton

  “You took all this trouble for me?” It was hard to imagine any man making a meal, especially one of noble birth.

  He looked embarrassed. “‘That I did. Will you sit?” She sat on the only bench while he went to the fire and brought the dishes, a crock of stewed salmon and the roast hare. Then he set out bread and water. “I wish it were ale,” he said, and he sat beside her.

  The food looked very real, but then, so had the dress. If this were fairy food, she might be captured forever if she so much as tasted it. She spooned some salmon into her bowl. His presence beside her on the bench was such a comfort, such a relief, she knew she must trust him. She took a deep breath and tasted the salmon. “This is very good,” she said.

  He smiled. “Eat now, then we will talk.”

  So Jenny did. Most of the hall was deep in shadow. Somewhere, under the eaves, she thought she heard a sound like the ruffling of feathers. Off in a far corner, she could see the pallet where Tam slept. Since returning from Roxburg, she had been too upset to eat. Now, the food tasted wonderful.

  “Do they not feed you in your father’s house?” he asked when she emptied her bowl the second time. But he seemed pleased.

  When the meal was over, they both fell silent.

  Jenny wished they could sit here forever, like two ordinary people with no terrible secrets to disclose.

  “Are you betrothed yet?” he asked finally. His voice was tight, as if the words hurt him.

  “No,” she said. “But it seems I soon will be.” She looked at him. Everything about him was dear to her—the shape of his cheekbones, the way his hair fell over his brow. She wanted to gather him into her heart and keep him there forever. “Tam, will you tell me how things are for you, and how they came to pass?” she asked.

  “I will tell you what I can.” He paused and sighed. “When I was a lad, I went out hunting one winter’s day and fell from my horse. I hit my head, badly. When I awoke, I was among folk I had never seen before. They cared for me, and I thought all was well, until I tried to return home. Then I understood these were not earthly folk, and I was in their thrall. They were kind to me, Jenny. They treated me well. They wanted me to stay with them forever, but I knew my granda had only me, and I could not bear to think of his grief. So I begged her—them,” he corrected himself, “to let me return. Finally, my wish was granted. But the charm they had placed on me when they saved my life—for I would have died without it was too strong. I can be in the land of men, but I am no longer earthly myself. It seems as if I have one foot in both worlds, and I am torn apart by the distance I must stretch to stay that way. If I give up, they will take me forever.”

  Jenny noticed that, like Galiene, he never spoke the name of these people, as if the word fairy alone had power. “Can nothing break this spell?” she asked.

  “Nothing I would ask of another. I am a danger to everyone now, especially those I care for. I came here to keep myself away from earthly folk. I should never have spoken to you. I should not have used my magic to give you that dress. I should not have asked you here tonight.” He sounded angry with himself.

  “A stronger man would have sent you away just as you came, thinking you were tricked out of malice.” He sighed. “But I have fought so hard and so long. And I grow weary of lying. For once, I want to tell the truth. So let me tell you why the dress was beguiled. I hoped it might win a better man. One who would love you and treat you well. William de Warenne is not the man for you.”

  “I know that,” Jenny said, looking away so she might not betray her feelings.

  “But my magic is not strong enough to do just anything,” he continued. “I made that dress so that every man would see you as I do. That was the only way I could seal the charm.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He left the bench and went to the fire, standing with his back to her. He spoke so softly, she had to strain to hear him. “If I could come to you as an earthly knight, my lass, if I could court you at your father’s hall and win you for my own, I would. But that cannot be. I want you to find someone who will love you as I would, so I bound the charm with my own feelings. They loved you because I love you.”

  She rose and stood behind him, leaning her cheek against his back. “Listen to me, Tam Lin. Even if I spend the rest of my life sleeping in William de Warenne’s bed, even if you are some place I can never reach, you are mine. You will always be mine, even if this one night is all I ever have of you.” She took his shoulders and turned him around.

  He looked alarmed. “You should leave now. We should not . . .” he began to say.

  But anything they should or should not do seemed meaningless to her now, so she put her mouth over his to stop the words. He resisted briefly, then began to respond.

  Jenny had never so much as kissed a man, but what happened next seemed so natural. It was as if their bodies continued the kind of conversation they had always shared, each gesture answered by another that matched it perfectly. Somewhere far away, a voice tried to tell her this was dangerous and wrong, that she might pay for what she was doing for the rest of her life. She silenced the voice, knowing that this was not so, no matter what anyone else would think or say.

  She had expected a man would be rough and callous all over. The sweet shock of his skin delighted her. She tried to memorize the feel of it, the way he glowed in the firelight, to hold him forever in her mind’s eye. She could hardly believe anyone could seem so beautiful. She wanted to breathe his spirit into her lungs. She wished they could become a single being. He tried to pull away, but she drew him back, insisting he stay with her. Time slowed. If he had cast a powerful charm, it could not have been more magical.

  He was as gentle as he could be, but what they did, ultimately, hurt till she cried out in pain. He answered with a cry of his own, a long sigh of release and regret. Then, finally, they were back in the real world.

  “That should never have happened,” he said, stroking her face. “I have ruined you.”

  She smiled at him. “It was my will, more than yours. If I am to be given away like a piece of property, at least I will know that once in my life I took a man of my own choosing, the man I love. Hush now. Let me lie here in your arms.”

  Jenny kept the thoughts away as long as she could, but finally, they came creeping in. And then she remembered there was still one thing she did not understand. She propped herself up on her elbow to look at him. “Tam, why did you tie the elf-locks in La Rose’s mane and in the boy’s hair when he was guarding her?”

  He sat up, alarmed. “Someone did that?”

  “Aye. I thought you were playing tricks on me.”

  “Jenny, I would never do such a thing.”

  He reached for his shirt and pulled it on, stood up and began to pace. “She must know. What a fool I am.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Jenny, rise up and dress. You must leave this place. You should never return.”

  She pulled on her kirtle. “You cannot mean that, Tam. Tell me what troubles you.”

  “‘I thought I could keep you secret. But the queen of the wee folk must know. Jenny, she will harm you if she can. I will put a charm on you to see you home, but you should never come this way again. If you value your life, please, stay away.”

  She came to him and took his hand. “I stayed even after I knew you were no longer earthly. I would risk my mortal soul for you. Do not forbid me to see you again.“

  He put his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “How can I? You are my only friend. But at least promise never to come back after dark.” He frowned. “Jenny, I cannot say how much longer I can hold to this earth. When the summer is gone, I may be gone as well.”

  “No! You must be mistaken.”

  “I wish I were, my love. Now, please, you must go. Dress and let us find La Rose.”

  The horse was waiting for her by the well. “How can I bear to leave you?” Jenny said.

  “You must. There is grave danger here
for you now.” He kissed her one last time. “I should not work magic, for every time I do, a part of me is lost, but I cannot send you into this night unprotected.” When she was up on La Rose, he said, “Close your eyes.” She did, and he mumbled something. “There. That should see you home. Godspeed.”

  Jenny was scarcely out of sight of Carter Hall when her troubles began to press in on her like the darkness. He will never be mine, she told herself. He may disappear forever, and I have ruined myself. How will I face the world tomorrow? The enormity of what she had done was just beginning to come home to her. She felt hot and unclean and angry with herself. At the ford in the river, she left La Rose to drink and walked along the bank to a nearby pool. She stripped off her clothes and slipped into the black water. She felt better at once, cleansed and soothed. She wondered how late it was, and whether they had missed her at home. Moonlight still bathed the forest, so not too many hours had passed.

  Jenny was about to climb out of the river when the freebooters appeared on the opposite bank. The noise of the water over the stones of the ford must have hidden the sounds of their approach. Jenny swam in plain sight. She froze, waiting for them to see her, but they crossed the river as if she were not there. She held her breath. La Rose was right by the path. They passed close enough to reach out and touch the little horse, and still, they seemed to see nothing. And then they were gone.

  Jenny’s teeth chattered as she climbed up the riverbank, but not from cold. Tam’s charm must have protected her. Nothing else could have kept those men from seeing La Rose on the path beside them. She wrung the water out of her hair and patted herself with her kirtle, then quickly dressed.

  “Come, La Rose,” she whispered. “Take me home.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Your lord father says come hear the messenger from Rowanwald, you and your sister both, my lady.” Alric looked around. “Is she not here?”

  Jenny arrived back at the kitchen garden just in time to hear the boy speak to Isabel. She leaned unsteadily against the garden fence and tried to swallow down the acid taste of vomit. She had been gathering herbs for winter with Isabel until a wave of nausea sent her running to the manure pile behind the stable, where she might hide what was happening. Just as she had become accustomed to avoiding breakfast, this sickness had expanded to fill most of her day.

  Isabel gave her an anxious glance. “Here she is, Alric. Tell my father we will come presently.” When the boy left she said, ‘“Were you sick again, Jenny? I wish you would tell Galiene. I fear all your travels this summer have left you ill.”

  “It is nothing, Isabel. Galiene’s remedies are sometimes worse than the illness they cure.” Jenny hoped her smile was convincing. At first she had allowed herself to believe that she had, in fact, been taken with some illness. But now, at the end of September, she could no longer pretend. If Galiene knew, she would guess at once what ailed Jenny, and she was not yet ready to own the secret. She would pay for her night with Tam for the rest of her life. Each day she managed to hide her pregnancy now would be one less to bear.

  “Come,” Isabel said, “we must not keep Father waiting.”

  They passed through the bailey without seeing another soul. Every able-bodied servant was down at the big barn in Langknowes, helping to thresh the harvested grain. Even Galiene had gone.

  “Do you suppose this is about your confession?” Jenny asked.

  Isabel nodded. “I hope so. I am ready now. It will be a relief to have it over with, no matter what comes next.”

  Jenny wished she could feel the same way. She had avoided confession herself for weeks.

  Their father was waiting in the bower with the same boy who had brought Jenny’s invitation to Lilliesleaf only a few months before. “The message is for both of you,” the vicomte said, smiling broadly. Jenny’s stomach lurched so, she was glad it was already empty.

  The boy took a deep breath and launched into his memorized speech. “Brother Bertrand of Rowanwald sends greetings to the house of Vicomte Philippe Avenel and the blessings of our lord abbot. Brother Bertrand begs you prepare for him, a week hence, when he will hear the confession of Lady Isabel and solemnize the betrothal of Lady Jeanette to Earl William de Warenne. Earl William will travel to Rowanwald and thence to Langknowes with Brother Bertrand to pledge his troth to Lady Jeanette and decide the day of their wedding.”

  Jenny eased herself onto a stool. Everything swam before her eyes and she was afraid she might faint.

  Her father noticed none of this. “Boy, carry a message back to Rowanwald,” he said. “Ask Brother Bertrand, would he please send a message to my son Eudo in Lilliesleaf, so he may come witness his sister’s betrothal.” He clapped his hands together. “What a fine day this will be for all of us. Isabel, we must make ready for the royal party.” He suddenly frowned. “Has anyone gathered oak galls for the abbey?”

  Jenny took a deep breath. “I took a few in the spring, Father. I can get those for you. But this year’s crop should be ready. They are not hard to find. Tell your men to look in any of the great oaks.”

  “Very well. I will go to the threshing barn myself to send someone out today. Otherwise, we might forget in the heat of preparations. You two can begin your planning.”

  When he was gone, Isabel took up her shuttle.

  “I will work here now so you may rest, Jenny. You are as green as glass.” She worked in silence for a moment, then she put the shuttle down and came to sit with her sister. “To think I will make my confession on the day of your betrothal. As you commit yourself to the man who will make your life, I will finally free myself from the one who ruined mine.”

  The question Jenny had kept to herself all these months was on her lips before she could stop herself. “Isabel, did you never think that Bleddri was not what he seemed? I confess I did. I only saw his true nature once, but it frightened me. He seemed another man.”

  “It has always been your talent to see folk as they are, Jenny. And you saw the truth, for he was another man.” Isabel stared at her lap. “I saw only what I wished to see. The scales did not fall from my eyes until he brought me to that cliff by the sea. Then he told me to get down off my horse, for it was too fine a beast to be covered in my blood.

  “He said he loved only gold,” Isabel continued, her voice a whisper. “That he had already killed six maidens for their wealth, and I would be the seventh. He said all our blood and all our riches could not give him back the lands he had lost because of the Crusade to the Holy Land. He said I could not imagine the blood that was spilled there, the brutality. He was already bound for Hell and nothing could change that, so he took whatever he wanted.”

  “But how did you keep your wits about you?” Jenny asked.

  “I knew then he had never loved me. I still loved him, for love cannot be put aside so quick as that, but I also knew, however much I loved Bleddri, I loved my own life more. So I told him to turn around, to let me take off my finery, for it was too good to be ruined by his knife and my blood. I hoped he would be greedy enough to do so, and he was. It was so odd. I felt as if it were happening to someone else. As I took off my cloak, he stood close behind Bravura with his back to me, so certain I would never harm him. I took my cloak pin and stabbed the horse in the flank. I was lucky, for Bleddri was caught square in the back. He could not rise or speak. If any kind word had passed his lips then, I might still have relented. But he turned and gave me a look of such scorn and hate, it steeled me for what I had to do. I threw my cloak over him, so I would not see that face again, so he could not grab to stop me. I rolled him to the edge, which was not far, and pushed him over.”

  “How could you be so strong?”

  Isabel thought Jenny was speaking of physical strength. “I could not have moved him like that before or after. It was as if angels held my arms. But if they did, they fled too soon, for I was left, standing at the top of a cliff, looking down on the body of the man I loved while the waves and rocks battered it to pieces, knowing he had
died by my hand. Knowing too that he suffered the fate he had planned for me. I was farther from home and more alone than I had ever been. I began to shake then. I sank to my knees and cried and cried.” She looked at Jenny with large, empty eyes. “To this day, I wonder what kept me from throwing myself after him.”

  “Oh, Isabel, how can you say that?” Jenny was shocked.

  Isabel nodded. “I know. That may be the worst sin of all. It was as if I had split in two when Bleddri said he would kill me. When I came back to myself, I wished I were dead. The man I loved was dead. How could I feel otherwise? You have never loved like that, Jenny. How can I ask you to understand?”

  Jenny put her arms around her sister and held her like a child while Isabel cried. The sun still shone, but the light seemed to have gone out of the day. Jenny longed to tell her sister that she knew what it meant to love so deeply, but she could not. Isabel was ready to cleanse her soul, and Jenny’s secret would only mar her confession.

  Finally, Isabel dried her tears. “I should not have burdened you with my story. I have been rehearsing it in my mind all these days, preparing for my confession.”

  “No, I am glad that you told me, finally.” Jenny knew she should let Isabel recover now, but as she compared Isabel’s ruin with her own, curiosity overcame her. “Isabel, you were gone with him three days. Did he . . . did he never touch you?”

  Isabel smiled sadly and shook her head. “Not so much as a kiss. At the time, I thought it was a mark of his respect for me. But now I know I was loathsome in his sight. He hated all of us, you see. Somewhere deep in my heart, I felt that coldness. I thought it was his nature, but I never guessed that nothing else remained. I know better now, Jenny. If I could choose again, I would not be so blind.”