The Ultimate Book of Zombie Warfare and Survival

by Scott Kenemore

  “But wait,” I hear you saying, “aren’t zombies sexless beings, utterly incapable of showing love? Don’t they lack entirely the inclination to physical romance or emotional openness? Wasn’t there a previous section of this book (“Bros before hos”) about how zombies show no interest at all in the opposite sex (or the same sex)?

  It is true that zombies don’t show love (or feel love), but it turns out that their tactics prove expert for obtaining it. Remember, zombies go after what they want. Zombies want brains, but you might want a loving mate with whom you can raise a family and grown old. Don’t worry. This impulse is not contrary to your zombification. Rather, because virtually all humans have desires to this end, it is very like a zombie to go out and get the man or woman (or even the she-male from the back page of the Village Voice) of your dreams.

  In this week’s lesson, we will learn how the tactics of a zombie prove expert in the quest for love, and we’ll put those tactics into action.

  We’ve talked before about how zombies are good at shattering misconceptions and stereotypes. Love is full of misconceptions.

  • Men only want sex.

  • Women only want attention and prescience and expensive presents.

  There are others, sure. Too many to list here. But the biggest misconception shattered by zombies is that the chase is better than the catch.

  Even though this position has been long maintained by many (verbatim, in fact, by no less a netherworld expert than Lemmy Kilmister), it is one readily shattered by the zombie.

  For reasons unknown, the stereotype persists that, once obtained, love is never as good as we think it will be. Or that love necessarily fades over time. Sadly, this falsehood keeps some people from going after love at all. It is true that bad relationships (and, of course, bad sex) do sometimes happen, and that courtship, will all its razzle-dazzle and bank account-clearing expenditure, can seem more compelling than the prize at which it is all directed.

  Yet true love remains a real and compelling possibility for many, and a bad past relationship is no reason to write off dating as an exercise in disappointment.

  Zombies know all about the chase.

  And the catch.

  And no matter what your cynical sewing circle or drunken frat buddies have told you, the chase is nothing compared to the catch.

  While romantic humans involved in “the chase” face humiliating rejection, painstaking preparation processes, and the prospect of blowing a whole goddamn paycheck for a kiss on the cheek on a Friday night, zombies have it even worse. A zombie on “the chase” faces everything from fortifications hastily constructed in an abandoned house, to full-fledged military arsenals directed against him. A chasing zombie (which is most zombies, most of the time) faces bullets, explosives, and voodoo spells, but that’s not stopping it. Because a zombie wants what it wants. And the zombie knows that no matter how difficult things may get during the chase, the brain-eating phase will make it all worth it. Remember also, that no zombie has ever eaten a brain or two, but then decided all the fuss wasn’t really worth it. No zombie has retired to a solitary life of cats, X-Box, and/or daytime TV.

  In your own life, you may have loved once or twice before, and found that love not to be lasting. You may have endured all-night shouting matches, breakups that splinter groups of friends, and alimony payments that never end. I’m not saying these things don’t suck. They do. They really, really do. But remember the zombie.

  Even if the last brain it munched wasn’t the tastiest, there’s no hesitation to get right back on the horse. A zombie keeps after what it wants. It knows that true love (brains) is out there.

  The first step, then, to loving like a zombie, is to banish forever all doubts that true love is out there, and worth the hassle of courtship.

  If you keep mementos of failed relationships around your home, throw them out. You don’t need that souvenir tote that reminds you of the time he took you to the Grand Canyon, if it’s only going to lead you down the slippery slope of wondering why he also cheated on you with your best friend, and if all men are like that, and if really you should just try to be happy on your own. That, my friend, is loser-talk. And zombies only talk like winners (when they talk at all).

  Photos of exes, likewise, have got to go. I don’t care if there are other people in the photos. If they’re saved on your computer, just use the “delete” function, or at least Photoshop out the offending person.

  If you’re forever carrying around memento mori of bad relationships, you’re not going to be motivated to get on to the next one. Trust me, picking through your scrapbooks this week may be a hassle, but when amore comes a-knockin’, you’ll be glad you did.

  Are the offending items erased and waiting in a plastic bag out on the curb? Very good, we’ll continue.

  The next romance myth that zombies shatter is the one that insists that nobody would love you for you.

  From the smallest dab of makeup to cover a blemish to the most elaborate exaggeration of one’s wealth, status, and penis size, the quest for love often involves prevarication and deception. Why? Because we feel (erroneously) that we are somehow not good enough. So we lie, sometimes directly and sometimes indirectly.

  We know full well that, if things go well, our partner will eventually notice that we do, in fact, get pimples when we’re stressed. Or that we’re not really titled shipping magnates who play billiards with George Clooney and Brad Pitt on the weekends, and that we pack it downstairs. We know this will make our partners feel deceived and confused, and may very well plant the seeds for a break-up. It makes no sense to lie like this, but we do it out of a feeling that we’re not “good enough” as we are, and that it’s the “only way” someone would fall in love with us.

  You never see zombies lying or prevaricating because they don’t feel “worthy” of someone’s brain. Doesn’t make much sense, does it? A zombie knows he (or she) is good enough just as God (or the voodoo priest, or the nerve reagent) made him. A zombie says, “Here I am. I can only be myself. Take me as I am. Give me your brain.”

  A zombie doesn’t need a bank account full of money, a fancy Ivy-League degree, or a clean felony record to feel worthy of its heart’s desire. A zombie presents itself openly for what it is. Sure, high-functioning zombies pass for human now and then, but there’s always that moment when the elevator doors close and the zombie lets its real self shine through.

  Be Open and Direct

  A zombie requires neither sex nor money, but it certainly has needs. Zombies put their own needs first. In every situation. All the time.

  Just as a policy of complete honesty with romantic partners can seem like a lousy idea at first (or at least a counterintuitive one), looking for love by putting your own needs first (and keeping them there) might seem to contravene the rules of dating no less deeply.

  Putting your needs first is, however, directly connected to a policy of honesty and openness in the quest to love like a zombie.

  When a zombie wants to eat somebody, he will make that clear. He’s not stopping to consider that person’s needs. Or the needs of his/her friends and family. Or even the needs of other zombies who may also be advancing towards the potential victim.

  Part of a zombie’s refreshing openness is its way of acting in a manner that says: “It’s great and all that you’re ‘too young to die.’ And that you ‘need’ to go on living. But right now, it’s not about you. Right now, this is about what I want. I have a right to my feelings, and I ‘feel’ like I’d like to eat your brain. This is who I am. I never claimed to be anything else. I’m sorry if you thought otherwise.”

  See? What a gentleman.

  A zombie knows inherently that it’d never get anywhere if it stopped to take into account all the feelings and desires of others that might conflict with its own.

  A zombie wants to move a step closer to brains just like you want to move a step closer to true love. If that’s something that somebody else can’t get on board with, then it’s
their problem, not yours.

  Be dogged, dog

  Another way in which lovers can learn from zombies is in a zombie’s pure doggedness and endless patience. When a zombie wants someone, it stays on the scent. It doesn’t take “I already have a drink” or “my boyfriend will be right back” or “this shotgun is filled with rocksalt, you stinking zombie” as an answer.

  And while unreasonable romantic doggedness can result in restraining orders or even jail time (and is, therefore, not suggested), there’s no harm in asking someone out a second or third time. If at first you don’t succeed, think of a new approach.

  Zombies know that there’s more than one way inside a fortified farm house. Sewers and storm drains can be opened. Gambrel roofs can be scaled, especially when you have all night. If all else fails, a zombie can go a lot longer than a human without eating. Many a zombie has starved a victim out of his or her fortification, and while waiting around is never fun, there’s nothing else a zombie’s got going on.

  When there’s someone you want to go out with, and for whatever reason the stars aren’t right, remember the dogged patient zombie.

  Your target may already be in a relationship. He or she may be physically removed from your part of the country. You may even have been rebuffed by him or her directly. Dear friend, all hope need not be lost.

  Relationships end, and people go back on the market. People move back to their hometowns after a couple of years off “finding themselves” in the big city. People who once wouldn’t return your calls may lower their standards as time goes by.

  If you really want to find true love, you have to be open to the possibility that it could involve some waiting. But while you wait, wait like the zombie outside the fortified farmhouse.

  The waiting zombie usually stays visible.

  If the farmer screws up his courage and peeks through a crack in the door he’s nailed shut, the zombie will be right outside waiting. If the object of your affection is dating someone else, let them know that, if they ever get bored with Mr. Whatsisname, you’ll be right there, waiting to offer love, intimacy, and long, sloppy fellatio sessions.

  Zombie Tip—You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

  Zombies know they only have one shot to give people the correct impression. (That impression being that they’re about to get eaten. Cause, you know, they are.)

  When you can’t be directly visible to the object of your affection, it’s important to find other ways to let your presence be known. The zombie might not be right outside the farmhouse’s front door anymore, but the creaking footsteps on the roof let the farmer know he’s still the center of the zombie’s world. You might not be able to stay physically near that gorgeous girl from college who said you’d never make anything of yourself, but your note to the alumni magazine about your JD from Harvard will let her know you’re still out to prove her wrong.

  It’s important to note that only you can decide whether waiting is the right thing to do. Even zombies have to make tricky calls in this connection. Yes, a zombie will wait all week for an isolated farmer to risk venturing outside, but if there’s another, un-fortified farmhouse just over the next hill, a zombie is no less of a zombie for going in search of other prey.

  Go where the action is

  The final lesson zombies embody for those desperately seeking someone, is to seek out a target-rich environment. It might sound a little inelegant for a chapter on finding true romance, but trust me, it is advice you need to take.

  Have you ever noticed that when zombie outbreaks occur, they invariably start in cities? You’ve seen it before. One city falls, then another, as zombies radiate out from them. Humans who survive the zombies longest are the ones living in the flyover.

  What attracts zombies to urban centers? The number of people-per-square-mile, of course. Cities are where zombies have the best chance of finding what they’re looking for, and they instinctually know it. That’s not to say that there might not be some very tasty brains in rural Montana or the Mojave Desert. Probably there are. But a zombie knows its best chance of finding brains to eat will be where people are packed as tight as they can be (and paying through the nose for it, no less).

  Now before you go into a diatribe about how not everyone can live in a big city and how there are many positive aspects to a rural existence, hear this loud and clear: I am not suggesting that you must live in a city to find love. At least, not necessarily . . .

  What I am suggesting is that you do need to look for the kind of person you want to meet in the kind of place where that person lives. This doesn’t automatically mean you need to pick up stakes, but you should consider the benefits of focusing your efforts on a target-rich-environment.

  If you’re idea of an ideal mate is someone who works in publishing, television, or art auctioneering, someone who likes to dress in black, and someone who enjoys live theater, then yes, you may be heading off for the Big Apple. But there are plenty of other qualities worth seeking. Your list may be very general (liberal or conservative, introverted or extroverted, outgoing or a homebody), or painstakingly specific (I want to meet an Orthodox Jewish dentist who enjoys Indian food and reads Saul Bellow). Whatever the case, you need to begin by asking yourself, honestly, where you are likely to find these types. Otherwise, you’re just wasting your time. Frequently, just the smallest adjustment can yield results to make any zombie proud.

  If you’ve always wanted to date a cop, but you spend your evenings in a bar where criminals congregate, your chances of meeting a handsome young police officer are pretty limited (at least, an off-duty one). If, on the other hand, you try the cop bar by the police station, your chances of success increase greatly.

  If you want to meet a reader, go to the bookstore. (If you want to meet a broke-ass reader, try the library).

  Someone athletic, hit the gym.

  Many of us might like to imagine that someone who’s a perfect match for us will just fall into our laps one day, or ride up on a white horse. But when you get tired of waiting, make like a zombie and go to where the targets are. You’ll be glad you did.

  To Recap:

  Zombies know the catch is well worth the chase.

  Zombies are up front about who they are, and what they need.

  Zombies are dogged in their pursuit.

  Zombies stick to a target-rich-environment.

  To prepare for your next romantic encounter, whenever it happens, you need to prep yourself for the world of dating as a zombie.

  Zombie History

  Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it, and when you’re up against the undead you could be repeating it for a very long time. In this chapter you will learn not only about the great moments in zombie history, but also learn the truth about some historical figures that may not have been as alive as you think.

  Construction of Stonehenge in Ancient England

  While no one knows exactly who the Druids were (or what they were doin’), ancient British zombies were prescient enough to understand that building a confusing stone obelisk would be enough to bring edible humans to an otherwise empty stretch of land. (This, being before cities existed in northern England, was actually less effort than trekking down to London.) To this day, the odd tourist is lost to the zombies who still frequent the spot.

  Construction of the Pyramids in Ancient Egypt

  Though some historians still profess to be “baffled” at how ancient man could have had the sufficient technology, motivation, and endurance to create these monuments to the dead (clue), more open-minded anthropologists have long understood that the implementation of zombie-labor could be an important missing ingredient. (This was, of course, prior to the great Zombie–Mummy rift, when it became apparent to all that mummies were just unambitious rich kids who wanted to play in their enormous houses but never wanted to come outside and try actually working for a living.)

  Destruction of the Knights Templar

  Saracen invaders and Papal co
nspiracies tend to dominate modern theories as to the extinction of this ancient order, but few know that the “Knights of Malta” actually retreated to their island as a defense against zombies more than anything else. (This defense was not effective.)

  Disappearance of Amelia Earhart

  Stowaway zombie.

  Loss of Ocean Liner “Titanic”

  Stowaway zombies (navigator eaten).

  Jebus

  People get sensitive when you bring Jebus into things, especially things like zombies. The hypothesis that Jebus himself might have been a zombie (and the corresponding religion he founded something like a zombie-cult) is just too radical for most people even to consider. So instead of asserting anything directly, let’s just look at some facts and let people make up their own minds:

  Everyone agrees that the big J is known to have died, stayed dead for three days, and then to have been magically reanimated to walk the earth once again. That is to say, he rose from the dead.

  He was known to raise the dead himself when it suited his purposes.

  Zombie Tip—If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him: Specifically, by eating his brain.

  Jebus wore rags, sandals, and had an unkempt beard. (Zombies are also known to appear in this fashion.)

  Jebus was attacked on sight by the “authorities” of his day, who regarded him as “dangerous” and “a threat to society.”

  When he was put to death, a “regular” execution simply wouldn’t do the trick. It took a “special procedure” to keep him down.

  Jebus had a crew of 12 others like him, and they traveled together and worked as a team.

  His people stumbled through the desert.

  He taught that everyone can be, in a sense, resurrected.

  His followers were frequently covered with open wounds and sores.

  He could apparently traverse water without drowning.

  Jebus was never really in a hurry. He didn’t run a lot. Slow and steady won the race, wherever he was going.