by Candy Crum
I stepped forward again, slowly, patiently. When I reached him, my left hand reached out and touched his chest. It was wet, the water still beaded up and running down his skin in some places. I found myself in pain at the sight of him.
My hand and my focus traveled down to his hand. He was still clutching the towel, but not for long. I rested my hand over his before touching the fluffy cloth. It fell from his hand to the floor, my breath catching as I stared at him. Fully exposed for me to see. Goosebumps covered his skin as my heated sigh came in contact with his wet skin.
Perfection.
I leaned forward and placed a kiss on his bare chest, the water enveloping my lips. I pulled back a couple of inches, licking it away before leaning forward again to repeat the process. I loved the smell of him. The taste of him. God, I’d forgotten what it was like to feel such desire. His fingers came to rest under my chin before tilting my head so he could see my face. His breathing had become just as heavy as mine, his expression reflecting need – but he was resisting.
I placed my hands on his sides and he closed his eyes as he exhaled.
“Desi,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Stop.”
Just like that, it was as if an icy bucket of water had been thrown on me. I snapped back to reality. What was I thinking? My hands covered my mouth.
“I am so sorry,” I said, my eyes wide.
How did I get to that point? How did I allow myself to act that way?
“No,” he said. “Please don’t be sorry. I didn’t stop you because I don’t want you.”
“Oh my God,” I said. “Aiden – I am so sorry!”
“Desi. Stop. Don’t overthink this. It’s okay.”
He reached down and snatched up his towel before hastily wrapping it around him. I took the chance to run out of the room. I’d almost gotten to the door when he spun me around, pressing my back flat against the door before kissing me.
His lips…
His lips were so soft. I was caught between being mortified and wanting more. He was right. We couldn’t do that. We couldn’t do anything like that.
He pulled away, his eyes locked on mine. “I’m sorry. I needed to stop you from freaking out. Please don’t think that I don’t want you.”
Aiden took a step forward and I could feel his hardness pressing against me, forcing another sharp intake of air on my part.
“I don’t want you to think that at all. You are incredibly beautiful. You are everything a man could ever want, but I can’t do this. Not like this. Not today.”
I nodded. “I don’t know what came over me. I’m so sorry. I lost myself. You’re right. Not like this. Not today.”
“You haven’t been with anyone in over a year. You’ve suppressed that side of yourself for a very long time. I’m neither surprised nor offended that you reacted that way to seeing a naked man, though I am very flattered that it was me.”
There was a pause as we looked at one another, neither one making a sound.
“God,” he said finally. “You are so beautiful. You need to leave now. You need to leave before I show you exactly how I feel about you.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I said.
What a terrible, yet delicious situation I’d found myself in. I had no self-control. That’s what the teenage years was all about, learning all about that. Then you get married and don’t have to have much control at all with your spouse, but if you lose them, you’re supposed to start all over. I was many years out of practice.
“I have very little left in me,” he said.
His body was shaking, and I could tell that he was fighting way harder than what I was. I loved feeling passion again. I couldn’t seem to help myself. I had no idea if I’d regret it later or not, but I knew what I wanted right at that moment.
Aiden.
I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him down to me, our lips meeting once again. He put his left arm under my backside and lifted me before turning and placing me on the sink. His body was powerful and overwhelming. Every inch of him was screaming sex to me and I wanted it. I needed it. Our kiss only broke long enough for him to take off my shirt. I smiled as he kissed me again. There was no turning back at that point and I had no interest in doing so.
Chapter Thirteen
Desiree
Aiden kissed me one last time and stepped back, sneaking out of the bathroom door. He’d just finished getting dressed and I needed to shower. I couldn’t believe I’d done that. My brain was so full that it was silent as I showered. I couldn’t focus on a single thought, only shock was there. Did that really just happen? Did I really just have sex? With Aiden? The best friend of my husband? And on the very day that I was to visit his grave and say my goodbyes?
Oh, how my head ached. I needed to stay away from Aiden for the time being until I got the chance to think things through. Once I was out, I put my hair in a towel and quickly got dressed. I stepped outside the bathroom door and sighed. It was so much cooler in the hall. I shut the door behind me before resting against the frame. The rapid wandering of my brain had no intention of slowing down as I stood there trying to collect myself. I saw movement out of my peripheral and I turned to see Elizabeth standing there, a knowing smile on her face.
“Earlier, did I hear what I think I heard?” she asked.
“Shut up,” I said before walking off.
“Ooooh, no. Get back here,” she said. “What happened?”
“How much did you hear?” I asked, guilt all over my face.
“Not much I suppose. I was walking to the bathroom and heard something slam hard against it. Then I heard talking. Very sexy talking. Soon thereafter it turned in to moaning and…”
“Shit,” I said.
Elizabeth laughed. “You don’t cuss often, so it must be good. Spill it, sister.”
I made some coffee while we talked about what happened. It wouldn’t be long before guests started showing up and I needed to get it off my chest very quickly. Elizabeth was a great listener, but she was doing a terrible job of hiding her shock. The poker face was not strong with that one.
“How do you feel about him?” Elizabeth asked.
I shrugged. “He’s a really great guy. I don’t know him any better than you do, but he’s been quite a blessing around here. Today is the day that I lay my husband to rest for good. Last year it was his body, this year it is our life together. That was the worst idea ever.”
“I’m not so sure,” Elizabeth said. “Sure, it seems a bit insensitive, but in reality, Caleb has been gone a year. In a breakup or even separated by death, most people wait anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. It’s only the ones that were truly devastated that wait longer. You lasted a whole year before you found that you had an attraction to someone.”
“Yeah – his best friend,” I said.
“Have you ever stopped to think that maybe he asked Aiden to take care of you for a reason?”
“Are you trying to say that my husband found me a husband in case he ever died?” It was a completely sarcastic question, but it certainly seemed as though that’s where she was headed with her comment.
“I’m not saying that. Not exactly anyway. I’m also not not saying it either. He wanted to make sure you were taken care of. That you had a good friend. He knew how likeable Aiden was. Don’t you think it occurred to him even once that you guys might end up together?” she asked.
“No. I don’t. I think that he would be disgusted by this. I am so ashamed of myself. I can’t believe I let my body control me like that.”
“It’s done,” Elizabeth said, placing her hand on mine. “The only person that you’re betraying right now is Aiden. He cares a lot about you. Don’t make such a beautiful thing dirty. Take some time to think about it, but realize that you were both two consenting adults and you were both feeling something for one another, or it wouldn’t have happened. Remember that.”
***
Aiden
I couldn’t tell wh
at Desiree was going through. Throughout the entire party, she moved seamlessly through the crowd, but she refused to make eye contact with me at all. I felt bad enough as it was, but worrying that she regretted what happened made it far worse.
The food was wonderful, the toasts were hilarious, and the overall atmosphere was very positive. As far as normal parties went, it was a success. Mix in the fact the reason why we were all there, to celebrate the life of a man that had passed a year ago, and it could be considered a blowout. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride knowing that I’d been able to help Desi pull it all together, but that was harshly overshadowed by my fear.
It was time for everyone to load up with their respective designated driver and head over to the cemetery. My chest began to ache. Not only had I popped a couple of my stitches open while I was with Desi that morning, but there was an anxiety attack brewing. Jesus. I’d done multiple tours in war torn areas and I could deal with that just fine. Make me face my own mistakes and I was a mess. This mistake, however, was not any mistake.
I was about to stand at the grave of my best friend, essentially seeing him in the best way that I could for the first time in over a year. I was about to stand there knowing that I had sex with my best friend’s widow. Not only that, but I hadn’t even delivered his final message to her. I had sex with her… and I still hadn’t told her the truth. I still hadn’t given her the closure that she so desperately needed a year ago. I cost that woman a year of her life and…
You’re a fucking idiot, I thought to myself.
I couldn’t even bring myself to think anymore. My heart was racing as all of us drove over to the cemetery. I was in the car with Desi, Jax, and Elizabeth, but Desi did her absolute best to keep her distance from me. She stared out the window the entire time. I had to tell her. I had to do it. I couldn’t live with that any longer, especially after that morning.
When we arrived at his gravesite, Desi was the first to walk forward and place a single white rose on the ground just in front of the headstone. I watched everyone walk up, one by one. I stayed back. I wanted to be very last. I didn’t want to go up there at all. It was ridiculous. I acted as if he’d reach up through the ground and pull me under with him, but that actually would have been less terrifying to me.
“Are you going to go?” Jax asked.
I shook my head. “I did a bad thing.”
“I heard,” Jax said. “It’s not a bad thing. It was a beautiful thing. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It shames the gift that she gave you, especially in the condition that she’s in.”
“I don’t mean that,” I said. “Well, I do. That’s what I’m talking about, but not at all what you suggested. I meant that I had sex with her, amazing, mind-blowing, loving, bonding sex and I still haven’t told her that I’ve been holding the key to her closure for the last year.”
“She’s found her closure,” Jax said. “All of us took part in helping her with that.”
“Uh, yeah. That’s great and all, but I could have handed it to her the day he was buried, and she could have been free of the worst of it within a few short weeks. Not twelve long months. I took a whole year from her.”
Jax sighed. “That’s rough. I’m not going to stand here and pretend that’s no big deal, because it is. Regardless, you have to tell her the truth. If she comes around and falls into your arms and wants to start something real with you, you’ll always have this hanging over you. The longer you wait, the worse it will be.”
“And if she kicks me out of her life?” I asked.
Jax’s eyes met mine. “That is the risk you’re going to have to take. If you’re truly willing to sacrifice everything for her, then you need to be willing to potentially sacrifice everything you have with her if it means being honest with her. A relationship built on a lie is nothing at all.”
He was right. I was being selfish. I was willing to take a bullet for her, but I couldn’t tell her a simple secret that would damn any chance that I had of being with her.
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m not myself here lately. She’s in my head and I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m going to wait until everyone leaves.”
“Wise choice,” Jax said. “God speed, brother. You’re gonna need it.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I said.
He shrugged and smiled. “Just keeping it honest, man. Stay strong.”
I took a deep breath and watched everyone make their way through. It was the official goodbye. It was done a bit backwards, saying the goodbye last, but it was how Desi had wanted it. What she wanted, she got. She said that she wanted everyone tipsy and in a good mood before going over. Everyone was much more likely to be loosened up and to be themselves. That’s what she wanted him to see, if he was looking. Not everyone stone cold sober and on the verge of tears.
It seemed to work. Everyone wandered up and gave a funny or heartfelt story before laying their flower of choice down and walking away. It was beautiful. He deserved a big farewell like that. We should have put it together for him the first time, but this would have to do.
When everyone had finished and said their goodbyes to Desi and Elizabeth, the girls were left standing with Jax at the grave. I took another deep breath and made my way over. Jax and Elizabeth each gave me a sad smile. It was forced and quite pitiful, but I knew why. What was about to happen would not be good.
“Hey,” I said, coming to stand next to Desi. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
My heart was already racing. I didn’t know if I could do it, but there wasn’t really an option.
“Uh, I don’t know,” she said.
Somehow, her unease made it easier. It was a middle ground. If she was very upset, I didn’t want to make it worse. If she was very happy, I didn’t want to crash it. She was somewhere in the middle. It could go either way, but I had a feeling I knew which direction that would be.
“I don’t know if this is the place,” she said.
“There’s something that I need to tell you. It can’t wait any longer. I feel like I need to do this right here. Right in front of Caleb. He needs to know how I’ve failed. Him and you.”
Her brows furrowed. “What do you mean? What do you need to tell me? How did you fail me? Are you talking about earlier?”
Her questions came fast and without pause. She was just as nervous talking about it there as I was.
“No. Yes. It’s a few different things.” My chest ached as I stared into her eyes. “A year ago, I came home to an email from a friend. I ignored it at first, deciding to respond a bit later, but that turned out to be a very bad decision.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “Caleb?”
I nodded.
“What did it say?” she asked.
“There were two,” I said. “The first one detailed exactly what he planned to do and exactly what he wanted me to do. I was to fulfill the promise that I’d made a thousand times to him before. He altered it to the situation at hand. Obviously, he didn’t die in battle and I couldn’t be the one to inform you of his passing, so in lieu of that, I was to go to you and take care of you. I was to stand by your side and make sure that you never suffered more than what would be normal.”
She wiped the tears from her cheeks that had fallen. “I knew about that,” she said.
“I know,” I said. “But you didn’t know about the second part.”
Desi paused as she waited for me to continue. I looked down at Caleb’s headstone and I felt the weight pressing on me to finish. I wondered if the weight would lift, or if it would feel worse afterward.
“The second part of his email told me that I would receive a second email, and I had. That email was to go to you. He emailed me the letter that he wrote specifically for you to ensure that I would go to you and carry out his wishes.”
Her jaw fell open, anger encroaching on her beautiful face. “I never received that email, Aiden. I never received anything at all. Are you telling me that this entire last year I believed
that my final goodbye was just him telling me that he loved me before I left to go get his favorite ice cream? Are you saying that was my reality for all that time, but that you held the real goodbye?”
Tears fell down my own cheeks. There it was. That fire he’d spoken of, only it was aimed directly at me. That was pure hatred on her face and it was killing me.
“Y-yes,” I choked out. “That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”
“You bastard,” she said. “You know… I could let go the fact that you screwed the pooch on the past year because you were a bitch, but what about the last week? That is what hurts. You’ve listened to my stories. My pain. I stayed up late with you as we both shared our guilt with one another. You knew that I’d tortured myself for a year and you still didn’t say anything?”
“I’m so sorry, Desi,” I said. “I am. God, I am so sorry.”
“Don’t call me that,” she said coldly. “Desiree will do just fine for those who aren’t close friends. I can’t believe that you kept that from me. And this morning? You knew! I can’t blame you for what happened because it was me that started it, but I never would have initiated anything with you if I hadn’t trusted you so completely! Aiden… I did. I trusted you completely. An entire year I tortured myself over how he died, and I had no idea it was coming.”
“I know,” I said. “If I’d checked my email when I’d gotten them, maybe we could have saved him. I’ve been over that a thousand times.”
“I’ve seen this a lot, you know,” she said. “If he wanted to go, he was going to go. We stood a chance of saving him, but I have realized that there was a damn good chance that no matter what we did, even if you did check your email in time, that he still would have died. I’ve let that go. Though it took an entire year to do it!” She shouted that last part. “Apparently, because I didn’t get the official suicide letter. What did it say, Aiden?”
“I have no idea,” I said. “It wasn’t for me. I never read it. I couldn’t bring myself to, especially after I left town. I couldn’t bear to see it knowing that I’d abandoned you and betrayed him. Had I known I’d have twisted that knife further, today mostly, then I’d have just swallowed the pain and got it over with. I was a coward and I’m sorry.”
