by Susan Lewis
He didn’t try to answer, merely turned to walk on, his hands buried in his pockets, and his shoulders hunched against a wind that was barely there.
Feeling suddenly light-headed, she stopped to put her hands on her knees. There was such a sense of unreality about everything that it was as though it was happening in another dimension, or to someone else entirely. This time yesterday she was happily married, and now, out of nowhere, her entire life was being torn apart.
‘Are you all right?’ he said worriedly.
Realising he’d asked this several times, she kept her head down as she replied, ‘I don’t know.’ She didn’t think she was about to faint, but nothing around her felt steady, or right.
‘Have you eaten today?’
She didn’t answer. Food was the last thing she wanted.
‘Why don’t we sit down?’ he suggested, and steering her towards the rocks where the sand was drier, he drew her down next to him and tried to pull her head on to his shoulder. At first she resisted, but then she found herself giving in and closing her eyes.
She wasn’t sure how much time passed, whether she might even have fallen asleep for a moment, tucked into the safety of his arms and the warmth of the sun, before she finally heard herself saying, ‘These last few months …? Did you find it a chore making love to me? Something you had to do to stop me being suspicious …’
‘Eva, don’t do this.’
‘I want an answer,’ she demanded, sitting up to look at him. ‘Was it a chore making love to me?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘But you don’t ever want to again?’
‘For God’s sake, why are you trying to put words in my mouth?’
‘Because I know what you’re thinking,’ she told him, ‘and while you might be too cowardly to voice what’s going on in your head, I’m happy to tell you what’s going on in mine. When we make love, it’s the best thing that’s happened to me since the last time we made love. There’s nothing that means more to me than when we’re together …’ Her breath was catching, her words were failing. ‘And I always thought it was the same for you. No, don’t!’ she gasped, as he tried to pull her back into his arms. ‘I want to hear you say that you’re coming home with me now.’
He only looked at her.
‘Tell me.’
‘If I did, it wouldn’t be true.’
Her eyes flashed with fury and pain. ‘And you never lie, do you?’ she spat. ‘Every word that comes out of your mouth is the gospel truth, because you don’t know how to cheat on your wife, or pretend to be happy when you’re not, or say you love someone when you don’t. It’s not in you to tell those sorts of lies. It’s why I trust you and respect you and feel proud that you’re my husband, because you’re not someone who cheats or lies.’
Dropping his head in his hands, he said, ‘I’m not sure we’re going to achieve anything today. It’s too soon. We all need …’
Eva sprang to her feet. ‘You’re right, we’re wasting our time. I’ll get a lawyer. I take it you want a divorce, then let’s have one, but don’t think it’s going to be easy, because I’m warning you now that it’ll be anything but,’ and leaving him sitting on the rocks with the sky darkening overhead, she turned to run and stumble across the dunes back to her car.
Patty was already opening the kitchen door as Don got out of his car. When he’d called to let her know he was on his way, she hadn’t asked how his meeting had gone with Eva, and now she didn’t need to. The taut lines and shadows around his eyes, and then the way he came to wrap her tightly in his arms, left her in no doubt at all of how difficult it had been. Even more difficult than for her, sitting here waiting.
In the end he was the first to pull away, but his eyes remained on hers as he said, ‘Are you OK?’
‘Of course,’ she lied, but she hardly felt she mattered. ‘It’s you I’m worried about, and Eva. How was she?’
Sighing, he turned to drop his keys on the table. ‘Not good,’ he answered wearily. Then, ‘I have to talk to Jasmine. Apparently she turned up last night.’
‘Yes, Livvy told me.’
‘You’ve spoken to Livvy this morning?’
Patty’s heart burned with the memory of the call. ‘She rang to let me know that she wants no more to do with me until I come to my senses.’
His eyes closed as he gave a groan of despair. ‘I’m sorry. That must have been hard to hear.’
‘It was,’ she admitted, ‘but at least she’s there for Eva. That’s what really counts right now.’
‘So do you,’ he said, tilting her face so he could look at her.
‘Did you tell her I want to see her?’
‘Yes, but I think you’ll have to leave it for now. She’s going to need some time to come to terms with it all and decide what she wants to do. She talked about selling the house.’
Patty’s eyes widened in protest. ‘But she can’t. Her heart and soul is in that place, and anyway it’s far too soon to be making decisions like that.’
‘I know, and I doubt she was serious. She’s very emotional, as you’d expect. I think she threatened it to try and hit out at me.’
Understanding that, and wishing there was a way to take away her sister’s pain, not for her own sake, only for Eva’s, she said, ‘So how have you left it with her?’
Looking more strained than ever, he replied, ‘She says she’s going to get a lawyer, but I’m not sure she’s serious about that either.’
‘Oh God,’ she murmured, as the awfulness of it all rose through her again in wave after wave of merciless guilt. ‘How can we let her go on suffering like this?’
His eyes were as troubled as hers as he said, ‘But how can we change anything now we’ve told her?’
She shook her head, helplessly.
‘Are you regretting it?’ he asked, seeming suddenly unsure of himself. ‘You know, it’s not too late for me to sell the business and get out of your life …’
‘Please don’t say that,’ she cried, clasping her hands to his face. ‘Through the night it was awful … I kept wishing we’d tried harder to stop what we feel, but now you’re here … Now it’s happening … It’s worse than I thought, but I love you so much.’
‘I love you too,’ he said gruffly. ‘More than I know how to put into words.’
‘You don’t have to.’
He pushed his fingers through her hair, and she knew what he was thinking, because she was starting to think, to feel it too.
‘I want to be close to you,’ he told her softly.
Feeling desire rush through her like flames, she pressed herself to him and gasped at the power of his need. She needed him too, desperately, madly, and what point was there in denying themselves now? None at all – and as his mouth came hungrily to hers she knew that neither her love for Eva, nor the wretchedness in her heart was strong enough to make her tear herself away.
Chapter Twelve
Time had started to lose all meaning as one day merged into another, and each hour brought a new hope, or despair, or the kind of pain that pushed Eva right to the edge – or into a tempestuous rage like the one that had driven her to shred Don’s clothes the day she’d left him on the beach. By the time Livvy had found her at lunchtime, sitting in the middle of the bedroom, with the scissors still in her hand and the debris all around her, she’d been sobbing with shame and regret. What on earth was such a stupid, senseless act going to prove? It might have provided a few moments of savage satisfaction while she was doing it, but it was hardly going to make him change his mind. If anything, she’d robbed him of a reason to come to the house, even though she’d told him never to come back, but she wanted him here so desperately that even if it meant watching him pack she might be able to suffer it. At least he’d be here and maybe then, by some miracle, she’d be able to persuade him to stay.
It was now Wednesday, and though she’d spoken to him several times on the phone, she hadn’t seen him since Saturday and had no idea when she might
do so again. She felt sure if she asked him to come that he would, but so far her pride, combined with a dread of how it would be if – when – he left, wouldn’t allow it. He knew about his clothes because she’d told him. He hadn’t expressed any anger, or exasperation; all he’d said was, ‘I’m sorry you felt the need to do that.’
The calmness of his reaction had made her want to go and smash up the rest of his belongings, but somehow she’d managed not to, mainly because Jasmine had been there. Though Jasmine had spent most of Saturday evening with her father, doing her best, she’d said, to persuade him to see sense, he’d remained immovable. So, taking a leaf out of Livvy’s book, she’d informed him that she wanted no more to do with him until he got a grip on himself, as she’d put it. That her stepdaughter had swayed so readily to Eva’s side was mystifying, but nonetheless welcome, even though she really didn’t want to cause a rift between the girls and their parents. Or maybe she did. She was in too much turmoil to know anything for certain, though she was thankful for their support because she felt that if she were left in the house on her own for too long she’d probably do something a whole lot crazier than destroying a wardrobe full of clothes. As it was, when she walked Rosie and Elvis in the mornings, she spent far too long staring at the cliff edge, and in the depths of night, when sleep was her enemy and paranoia her only companion, she’d lie in the darkness trying to summon enough courage to make the only possible escape from it all.
Now, after spending a morning at the shop where she’d managed to catch up with some paperwork and had even found the heart to deal with a few customers, she was back at home staring blankly, unblinkingly, at her computer screen. A call from Coral was what had triggered her downward spiral today, but at least she hadn’t ended up falling out with Patty’s best friend, which was an achievement considering how disastrously the call had begun.
She’d been at the front of the shop redressing one of the mannequins when the phone had rung, and because Livvy was upstairs in the workroom she’d answered it herself, praying it would be Don, yet dreading it too.
‘Eva, it’s Coral. I just want to say …’
‘I’m not interested, Coral.’
‘Eva, please listen. I’m calling to find out if there’s anything I can do.’
‘Are you serious?’ Eva cried. ‘You obviously knew about the affair, so would you please tell me how you can do anything now that …’
‘I’m offering to help with the shop,’ Coral cut in, ‘or with organising the show, if you or Livvy can tell me what to do.’
‘I’ll tell you what to do,’ Eva raged, ‘you can go back to my sister and inform her that neither her friends nor their bloody charity are ever going to make up for what she’s done.’
‘Eva! Stop! Please don’t hang up. Patty doesn’t know I’m calling. I haven’t told her for this very reason. OK, she’s my friend, and you’re probably thinking I should stay loyal to her, and I will, but if I can, I want to be there for you too, because what you’re going through … Well, let’s just say, I know that keeping going at times like this isn’t easy, so I want you to know that if there are days when you feel you can’t face it all, I’ll do whatever I can to help. I’m not sure how good I’ll be at sales, or organising, but if I’m there it might at least help to take the pressure off you both for a while.’
Realising then what a huge burden she was turning into for Livvy, who’d practically moved into the house now so they were together most of the time, Eva had ended up accepting Coral’s offer and had apologised for being so snappy at first. ‘I just don’t want Patty trying to use you to get to me,’ she explained.
‘I understand that, and I promise it isn’t happening. However, I do know she’s worried about you and is desperate to talk to you …’
‘I’m sorry, Coral, I don’t want to discuss it. Thanks very much again for your offer, and I’m sure we’ll take you up on it.’
After ringing off she’d felt her fragile defences starting to crumble, and not wanting Livvy to know she was about to fall apart again, she’d mustered as cheery a smile as she could while telling her she was popping home for a while.
And now here she was sitting at her computer and wishing she’d never turned it on. She hadn’t intended to check her incoming emails, she’d only meant to write yet another message to Don to add to the dozens she’d already composed, some of which she’d sent, but most she hadn’t. They were all still there, saved in a file she’d labelled Perdita2 – the outpouring of her shattered emotions, along with reminders of the times they’d been happy, and in others, those written in anger and frustration, she’d made some unforgivable threats. It was a form of communication with him that was both easier and more difficult than seeing him, but in the end it meant nothing, because no matter how hard she tried to fool herself that he would come back, she knew deep down that he’d never have done this if his mind wasn’t completely made up.
I’ve broken your trust, he’d written in an email only yesterday, so even if I were willing to try again, and I’m afraid I’m not, what we had together can never be recaptured. I’m sorry for how hurtful it must be for you to read those words, but after all the lies of the last few years I want to return to being as honest as I can.
The message had devastated her all over again, to the point that she hadn’t been able to send one back for several hours, finally writing, Perhaps you could let me know whether to forward your mail to the boat or the office.
His reply had come a few minutes ago. Eva, I want to tell you this before anyone else does. I have moved into the barn with Patty, so please could you redirect my mail there. I’ll contact the Post Office today to make it official.
It was because of this email that the one she was actually looking at now hadn’t managed to provoke her into the kind of response she would have made a month, even a week ago. She simply couldn’t get past the pain of knowing that they were living together now, openly, brazenly, for all to see and never mind the hurt and humiliation it was going to cause her. It was making her feel violent inside, defeated – and lost for where to turn or what to do next.
In the end she forced herself to refocus on Johnny Johnson’s email, trying harder this time to make herself take it in. It was a great pleasure meeting you last Friday. I am sorry that I was unable to help you with the matter that you latterly mentioned, but in the former – the letter to the magazine – I can tell you that the name of your champion is Nick Jensen.
At any other time Eva knew she’d have been straight on the phone to Bobbie, then Patty, perhaps the other way round. Not Don, because he’d always seen Nick as something of a rival, in spite of there having been no contact between her and Nick for over sixteen years. As it was, now she was registering it, she felt a towering fury building inside her, a sense of pure outrage that he’d dared to involve himself in her life in any way shape or form after all these years. Who the hell did he think he was? He had absolutely no right even to consider writing such a letter on her behalf.
Snatching up the phone as it rang, she dashed away the tears as she snapped, ‘Hello.’
‘Oh dear, is this a bad time?’
Hearing Elaine’s gentle voice at the other end, Eva quickly forced her temper down. ‘No, no, of course not,’ she assured her. ‘I was just … It doesn’t matter. How are you?’
‘Very well, thank you. I thought I’d call to let you know I’m back, so if you’d like to get together? I can come to you, or you can come here … Whichever suits you best.’
Feeling a horrible struggle starting up inside as she realised how desperately she wanted to lean on Elaine, while knowing how hard it was going to be for her stepmother’s tender heart to be torn between her and Patty, Eva said, ‘Why don’t I come to you? Are you very busy at the moment?’
‘Not terribly. Just a few residents and the usual classes, but Maizie and Paul are here for the rest of the month, you know, the owners, and they have things pretty much under control. So I can be free more or less
when you like, and I’ve been mulling over what I could say to the editor about the letter he received.’
‘Actually, that’s not an issue any more,’ Eva said shakily. Damn Nick, damn him to hell. None of this would be happening if it weren’t for him; she’d have her son with her, she wouldn’t be married to Don – in fact, she probably wouldn’t even be alive, which might be the best place of all. ‘Other things have happened since we last spoke,’ she continued. ‘Have you – have you been in touch with Patty at all?’
‘No, not yet. I was going to call after I’d spoken to you.’
Eva took a breath. ‘Would you mind terribly not doing that until I’ve spoken to you first?’
There was a moment of surprised silence before Elaine said, ‘Is everything all right between you two?’
Forcing herself not to break down, Eva said, ‘Let’s talk tomorrow. I’ll come about eleven if that’s OK.’
*
‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ Don was saying as he walked to the door with Patty. ‘You know it could backfire badly.’
‘That’s a chance I’m prepared to take,’ she told him, flicking a switch to light up the barn’s outside courtyard. ‘I know she’ll lock all the doors before I can reach the house if she sees my car coming, so I have to do it this way.’
She was glad he didn’t point out that she could always go to the shop, but he’d know that it was far too public a venue for her to try and talk to her sister there. They needed privacy and no interruptions, and this was the only way she could think of to make it happen when her every attempt to contact Eva in the past few days had been met with a slamming down of the phone, or a complete refusal to answer her emails and texts.
Coming to the Mercedes with her, Don opened the door and as she slipped into the driver’s seat he said, ‘I could call to tell her I’m coming, but I think that kind of subterfuge would be taking it too far.’
‘It would,’ she agreed, already feeling bad enough about the trick she was preparing to play. Gazing up at him in the lamplight, she put a hand out for his and brought it to her cheek. ‘Wish me luck,’ she whispered.
