by Susan Lewis
‘But I can’t leave you like this.’
‘I’m fine, honestly. Doing the right thing always makes you feel better.’
‘Except you don’t.’
No, she didn’t. In fact she could hardly have felt worse. ‘You’re putting words in my mouth,’ she chided. ‘Now, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather be on my own for a while. We can talk later, on the phone, if you like, and don’t forget to call tomorrow to let me know how Richie’s rugby match goes.’
‘Tell you what, why don’t I ring Jas and tell her I can’t make tonight …’
‘No, don’t do that. It’ll be important to Richie that you’re there, and I’m perfectly all right, really.’
‘Then I’ll let Eva and Jasmine go with him to the rugby tomorrow, and come here. We can hang out together, just the two of us, go for a walk, chat, watch a movie in front of the fire …’
‘Actually, I’m thinking of driving up to Heathrow tomorrow to collect Jake from the airport. It’ll save him hanging about for buses, or having to go into London to catch a train. Livvy, please,’ she pressed as Livvy looked like she might object again, ‘just carry on with your arrangements and we’ll get together on Monday or Tuesday, after Jake’s slept off his jet lag.’
Still seeming very reluctant to leave, Livvy said, ‘You’ll call, won’t you, if you need to chat, or if you want me to come over?’
‘Of course. Now go. And don’t forget the scarf.’
‘Can I get you anything before I go?’
‘I have everything, thank you. Go on, shoo, I want to get out now and I’d rather do that unobserved.’
‘Why?’
‘Livvy!’
‘All right, all right, I’ll go, but I’m taking this bottle of wine out to the kitchen, because I don’t want you falling asleep in the bath.’
A few minutes later, after hearing Livvy’s car going out of the drive, Patty pulled herself up from the water and reached for a towel. She hardly knew what she was going to do next, apart from dry herself – perhaps get ready for bed, or maybe she’d pull on some jeans and a sweater and go into her study to do some work. Knowing she barely had the heart to walk there, never mind turn on her computer, she wrapped the towel around her and went to lie down on the bed.
It felt cold in the room after the heat of the water, and cheerless with the curtains still open and no moonlight filtering through the clouds. Reminding herself that this was how Eva would have felt over the last few weeks, but worse, thanks to the double betrayal, made her so wretched that she had to banish the thought before it tore her apart. This suffering was no more than she deserved, she reminded herself, and if it could in some way make Eva’s suffering less then it would be worthwhile.
Was he with Eva now? She knew he’d stayed here last night and left first thing this morning, because he’d called to let her know that the coast was clear for her to return. Remembering the bemused anger in his voice intensified her longing, and made it almost impossible not to reach for the phone. If she could be sure he wasn’t with Eva she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop herself, but if he was with Eva she had to give them the chance to try and work things out.
She thought of her mother and felt so much anger and pain that she knew if it weren’t for Jake and Livvy, she’d end it all now. It was what she wanted, more than anything, if only to serve her mother right. She’d follow in her footsteps, drive herself over a cliff, slit her wrists, take an overdose, then no one would be left to take care of Eva. How would everything work out then?
Closing her eyes as her mobile started to ring she tried not to will it to be Don, but it simply wasn’t possible. Just in case, she went to retrieve the phone from her bag, and seeing his name she choked on a sob.
‘Hi, it’s me,’ he said when she clicked on.
‘I know. How – how are you?’
There was a trace of irony in his voice as he replied, ‘I’ve been better. How about you?’
‘The same, I guess. Where are you?’
‘If I said outside wondering if I can come in, would you let me?’
Feeling her entire body yearning for it to be true, she said, ‘Are you?’
‘No, but I could be.’
She tried to take a breath, but it was hard. ‘Have you spoken to Eva?’ she asked.
‘No, because I don’t have anything to say to her. It’s you I love, you I want to be with. Please, Patty, let me come back.’
Wanting nothing more than to tell him to come right now, she said, ‘I have to go.’
‘Patty! Don’t ring off.’
‘I have to.’
‘No, all you have to do is stop hurting us both as if it’s in some way going to make up for what we’ve done to Eva.’
Swallowing hard, Patty said, ‘Eva told me herself that nothing will ever do that.’
He fell silent, and she could almost feel his frustration and confusion. ‘What the hell is this about?’ he asked in the end.
‘I’ve already told you, I need to sort out why I’ve done this …’
‘We fell in love, Patty, that’s why we did it.’
‘But I think it goes deeper than that and …’
‘For God’s sake, how can anything possibly be deeper?’
At any other time Patty might have smiled and teased him with something along the lines of ‘Spoken like a man,’ but tonight all she managed was, ‘It just can,’ and forcing herself to do what she had to, she ended the call.
Chapter Twenty
Eva’s throat was hoarse from shouting so much, and neither Livvy nor Jasmine’s were much better, though Jasmine had left now to drive back to her mother’s. Richie’s team-mates had all dived on him after the match, as thrilled by the new support he’d brought along as they were to have him back on side. They’d still lost, but at 17—15 it had hardly been a humiliating defeat, and Richie’s captaincy as well as his two tries had made Eva practically levitate with pride.
After the game they’d motored off to the Christmas fair at Richie’s school, where they’d bought an enormous star for the top of the twelve-foot tree Eva and Richie had bought at the farm shop yesterday (to be delivered before next weekend, when he was coming to help decorate it); some jazzy tights for Livvy, a purple bouclé scarf for Sadie and a scrumptious-looking home-made chocolate sponge to take home for the tea Izzie had stayed behind to prepare.
‘I feel like I’m eating you out of house and home,’ Eva was protesting, as Sadie came round for a second time with her mother’s delicious cupcakes. ‘But they’re so good, I can’t resist.’
‘The rule in this house is to go for it while you can,’ Sadie told her. ‘If you don’t Richie’ll scoff the lot and still come back for more. And look at him, he never puts on an ounce. It’s just not fair.’
Since his mouth was full Richie could only give her a wink, and though Eva laughed she felt suddenly fearful for the hearts he was surely destined to break. Just please God don’t let one of them be hers.
‘So how’s your shoulder after the match?’ Izzie asked him.
‘Yeah, cool,’ he replied, giving it a flex. ‘Flaming hooker booted me in the shin though. He was lucky I didn’t get him back.’
‘Oh, we’ve got to tell Eva about that time he got the prop,’ Sadie cried excitedly. ‘Remember, the one who nutted him …’
‘Oh God, not that again,’ her brother Russ grumbled. (He actually was quite like the cousin in Harry Potter, Eva was thinking, though not as fat and marginally better looking.) ‘I’m out of here,’ and snatching another slice of sponge from the plate, he was about to leave when his mother said, ‘Russ, where are your manners?’
His shoulders sank. ‘Mum. How many times are we going to have to hear that story? And it’s so not funny.’
‘It’s brilliant,’ young Jack informed Eva and Livvy, his bright blue eyes and freckles making him utterly adorable, Eva thought.
‘Sit down, Russ,’ his father barked.
‘Dad!’
‘Don’t argue, and anyway you know food’s not allowed in the bedrooms.’
In fact, Eva found that easy to believe, since everything in this snug little semi-detached at the heart of a seventies housing estate, from the velveteen indigo carpet, to the sky-blue taffeta drapes, to the beige corduroy three-piece suite was utterly pristine. At the same time it was still managing to feel wholly welcoming (if she discounted the way Mervyn was regarding her warily), with its faux-brick chimney breast and gas log fire. There were numerous family photos, trophies and prized ornaments hanging on the walls or placed decorously on shelves and a forty-two-inch high-definition TV screen that was currently obscured by a brightly coloured authentic-looking Christmas tree.
‘Go on, Sadie,’ Mervyn encouraged, his Somerset burr more pronounced than the others, and the gleam on his balding head changing from red to gold in time with the fairy lights around the window. ‘Let’s hear it again, because it is a bit of a cracker.’
Loving the way Richie’s eyes were shining as he tried to look bored, Eva slapped Livvy’s hand away from her cupcake as she attempted to steal it.
‘So, what happened,’ Sadie began, clearly the chief teller of this story, ‘was that him and some of his teammates got into this ruck with the other side … Who were they again?’ she asked Richie.
‘Fairford Grammar.’
‘That’s right. Well, one of the Fairford props, Alfie Curtis, he’s always had it in for Richie ever since Richie won player of the year back when they were twelve and Alfie thought he should have got it. Anyway they go into this ruck and Alfie only nuts Richie really hard in the face. It was definitely deliberate, everyone saw it – except the ref of course. So Richie gets up with blood pouring out of his nose and starts going after Alfie who’s walking off thinking he’s got away with it. Next thing he knows Richie’s got hold of his shoulder and spun him round. You should have seen the look on his face. Honest to God, we all thought he was about to do it in his pants, actually I reckon he might have. Anyway, everyone was cheering Richie on and Alfie the muppet definitely thought he was in for a good slapping, especially when Richie goes like he’s going to nut him back. Everyone’s yelling, “Let him have it!” or “Kill him!” and stuff like that, but you’ll never guess what Richie did. He only grabs Alfie’s collar in both his fists, pulls him right up so Alfie’s toes are nearly off the ground, then he goes and plonks this great big kiss on Alfie’s cheek. Oh my God you should have seen Alfie’s face. “You’re gay, you’re gay,” he starts shouting. “I’m not gay. You don’t do that to me.” Everyone was in fits, even the ref. And now the really big joke is, no one ever says anything to Richie about it, but whenever they see Alfie they go, “Are you gay?” or “Give us a kiss,” and Alfie goes totally mental, which just makes it funnier.’
Trying not to choke on her cake as she laughed, Eva wished she could tell Richie how like his father he was, because that sort of stunt had been quite typical of Nick.
‘Oh, excuse me, I’d better take this,’ Livvy said, jumping up with her mobile. ‘Is it OK to go in the kitchen?’
‘Of course,’ Izzie responded, waving her through.
Feeling fit to burst, she’d eaten so much cake, Eva said, ‘How long have you lived around here?’
‘Oh, most of our married lives,’ Izzie answered, glancing at Mervyn as he cleared his throat, ‘and all the time in this house. It only had three bedrooms when we first bought it, but we remortgaged about ten years ago to put on the extension so we’ve got four now, and a much bigger kitchen. It’s still a bit of a squash with all of us, but we’re managing and we wouldn’t really want to be anywhere else, would we, love?’
‘No, this is good enough for us,’ Mervyn commented gruffly.
‘All our friends are round here,’ Izzie continued, ‘and it’s not a bad neighbourhood, I can say that for it. No crime to speak of, and you feel like the kids are safe when they’re out playing in the street. We’re even getting carol singers of an evening, and I’ve been hearing on the news how lots of places haven’t seen any for years. It’s a real shame that, because it’s a lovely way for the kids to earn a few bob at this time of year.’
‘Providing they can sing,’ Sadie piped up. ‘You should hear some of them. Honest to God, you have to pay ’em to shut up and get lost or something drastic would happen to your ears.’
‘It’s true, I’m afraid,’ Izzie lamented. ‘Christmas doesn’t always bring out the best in people, does it?’
Laughing, while realising she still had a way to go to win Mervyn over, Eva said, ‘It must be lovely to feel part of a community.’
‘More cake?’
Eva almost groaned. ‘I swear I’ve eaten too much already.’
‘If you like cake I’ve got a couple in the larder that just need icing for Christmas,’ Izzie told her generously.
‘Oh, Mum’s Christmas cakes are to die for,’ Sadie gushed. ‘And her puddings. Actually, we like the puddings the best, don’t we Jack?’
‘Definitely,’ he agreed.
‘With brandy butter,’ Richie put in.
‘Bring it on,’ Russ drooled.
Trying to make it sound nothing more than chatty, Eva asked, ‘So what are you all doing for Christmas?’
Colouring slightly Izzie glanced at Mervyn, then Richie, as she said, ‘I’m not really sure yet. We thought … Well …’
‘I wanted to say,’ Eva came in quickly, ‘I mean, I don’t want you to feel under any obligation or anything, but if you’d all like to come to me you’d be very welcome. Obviously I understand if you’d rather be in your home …’
‘Oh, no, no, them days is long gone,’ Izzie told her hurriedly. ‘The kids is all grown up now and we went out last year, didn’t we, Merv? Was a bit of a disaster, I have to admit, but that was the hotel’s fault. It wouldn’t be anything like that at yours. Are you sure though, because there’s a lot of us, and you probably only want Richie really.’
‘No, I’d love it if you all came,’ Eva insisted, looking at Mervyn.
‘She’s got an amazing tree,’ Richie told Izzie and Mervyn. ‘It’s vast and we can’t leave Elvis and Rosie on their own, can we?’
As Eva flooded with joy at the way he seemed to be seeing them – him, her, Rosie and Elvis – as a family, Livvy came bouncing back into the room saying, ‘Sorry about that. It was my mum letting me know she’s at the airport waiting for my brother. Anyway what you were saying about Rosie and Elvis?’
‘That we can’t leave them on their own for Christmas,’ Richie explained. ‘So we’re all going to Mum’s. Isn’t that cool?’
Eva somehow stopped herself from gasping as Livvy turned to her, and from the look in Livvy’s eyes she hadn’t missed it either. Nor, she could tell, had Izzie. Richie had just referred to her as Mum, and if she could get any happier she truly didn’t know how it was possible.
‘I expect you’ll be there too, won’t you?’ Sadie said to Livvy, tactfully covering the moment before Richie felt embarrassed.
‘Um, uh, I guess so,’ Livvy answered awkwardly. ‘We usually all get together. We’ll see anyway, but it’s fantastic that you’ll all be there.’
Later, as they walked outside into the misty darkness where Christmas lights were twinkling in most windows and a few reindeer had taken up glittering residence on a few rooftops, Eva leaned into Richie as he slipped an arm around her.
‘Thanks for coming today,’ he whispered.
‘I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,’ she assured him, transported by how relaxed and affectionate he was being with her. It shouldn’t be long, she was thinking, before she could broach the subject of him coming to live with her, and she was daring to believe he would want to.
‘How could he not?’ Livvy laughed when Eva confessed her thoughts on the way home in the car. ‘The house we were just in versus your house? No mother versus mother? Where’s the contest?’
‘Actually, I think theirs is a pretty special house,’ Eva inf
ormed her, ‘and he’s obviously very happy with Izzie and her family, so I don’t think we should take anything for granted.’
‘Maybe not,’ Livvy agreed, stifling a yawn. ‘But wasn’t that amazing when he called you Mum? I was like, oh my God, did he really say that? He’s so cool, isn’t he? I wish I’d known him forever.’
Wishing exactly the same, Eva said, ‘I already love him beyond anything, but the next thing I know he’s going to be eighteen and gone again.’
‘What?’ Livvy cried in astonishment. ‘Oh no, don’t tell me, you’re already panicking about him going off to uni?’
Eva couldn’t deny it.
With a cry of despair, Livvy said, ‘He will go, because he has to, and when the times comes it’ll be totally cool, and he’ll be back for weekends all the time … But hey, don’t let’s try dealing with that until we have to. For now, what’s brilliant is that they’re all coming to you for Christmas.’
Though Eva was still thrilled at having her invitation accepted, she wasn’t unaware of the split loyalties Livvy could be facing. ‘Don’t worry, I understand that your mum has to come first for you,’ she said softly.
Glancing down at her hands Livvy replied, ‘Actually, I’ll have to be with her, or she’ll be on her own apart from Jake, and I couldn’t bear that.’
Frowning, Eva said, ‘But she’ll have Don.’
Livvy’s head came up as she looked at Eva in the passing streetlights. ‘So you and Don …? I mean, Mum said … Well, she thinks you’re back together, or that he’s going to try to get back with you if he hasn’t already.’
Eva’s heart skipped a beat. ‘But I made it clear when he tried before … It’s not what he wants. It’s not what I want either.’
Livvy’s face was pale with confusion. ‘Are you sure?’ she asked.
Eva’s head was spinning. Was she? It was impossible to say, when it was coming at her out of the blue like this, except it would never – could never, work between them again. It was true, love and dreams didn’t just die because you wanted them to, and the torment of rejection was still very much with her, but since her respect for Don and her trust had gone she knew that they’d never be able to rebuild what they’d once had. He surely had to know that too, so why on earth would he tell Patty he was coming back to her? Then, realising that Patty, or her conscience, must be trying to make it happen, Eva felt her heart churn with painful emotions. ‘Don and I won’t be getting back together,’ she said quietly. ‘You should probably tell Mum that.’
