by Susan Lewis
Why, she’d wondered, did Elaine want her to think about how it had been for Patty when their mother died. Was Patty suffering over it now? Maybe Elaine was hoping by her suggestion to soften Eva’s feelings towards her sister, to coax her into understanding how wretchedly full of guilt Patty was feeling and so be able to find it in herself to forgive her. With so much good happening in her life at the moment, it wasn’t as easy as usual for Eva to connect with the bitterness she felt towards Patty; however, she knew very well that it was still there, and couldn’t foresee a time when it would ever go away.
Gritty-eyed, and slightly spacey after tossing and turning for so much of the night, Eva pressed the remote to open the gates and turned out on to the main road. Though it didn’t usually take much more than fifteen minutes to drive to the retreat at this hour on a dull Sunday morning, given the time of year and number of Christmas markets bedazzling the area today there was a chance she might get caught in traffic, and she didn’t want to be late. She was looking forward to seeing Elaine, not only to tell her all about Richie and Nick, but to assure her that she had, as requested, thought about Patty through the night. It surely wouldn’t surprise Elaine to know that Patty was always on her mind, whether at the front of it, or the back, or seeming to take it over completely. Loving someone as much as she’d always loved her sister meant that Eva could never entirely expel her from her thoughts, or even her heart, it would seem, because in spite of everything she couldn’t deny that she missed her terribly. However, the hatred she’d felt towards her over the past two months had become every bit as powerful as the love, so powerful that at times it had consumed her to a point that was chilling and disturbing to recall. She’d wanted to hurt Patty more deeply than she’d been hurt herself; to ruin Patty’s life, business, everything she held dear; she’d even during one desperate night fantasised about killing her.
That was what love did, she was reflecting now. It took its victims to such extremes that, beautiful and gentle as it could make them, it could also tear their world apart and turn them into cold-blooded monsters. She gave a shudder to think of how far she might have gone, or at least what kind of state she might have been in now, if she were as fragile or unstable as her mother.
Feeling a twist in her heart, she drove on towards the retreat, her mind filling with thoughts of the beautiful, almost angelic-seeming woman who’d given birth to her and who, she’d come to realise, was more of a romantic fantasy to her than a true memory. Yet such was the bond between them that she’d longed for her all her life, and though she might be far from consumed by it now, the need, on some level, was always there. She couldn’t imagine it being any different for Patty, indeed it must surely be far worse, because by the age of twelve Patty would have built a very deep and loving relationship with their mother, as well as depending on her, and would have even existed through her the way children did when they were young. It had probably never even crossed her mind that a day would come when her mother wouldn’t be there any more. What a terrible, devastating blow it must have been for her when that day dawned. Yet she’d never discussed it, at least not with Eva, because she barely ever mentioned their mother. Everything had remained bottled up inside her, and the closer Eva got to the retreat now, the more convinced she was becoming that the trauma of what Patty had experienced when she was young was the reason Elaine wanted to see her today.
Eva only wished she could say she didn’t care.
*
To her surprise, when she pulled up outside the front door, it wasn’t Elaine who came out to greet her, but Iris, one of the faith healers.
‘Come in, come in,’ Iris fussed as she bustled her inside. ‘It’s bitterly cold out there this morning. Enough to freeze the old socks off. Elaine’s in her sitting room with a nice big fire going, so pop on through. You know the way.’
Deciding not to take a rune from the bowl at the door, Eva started unravelling her scarf as she headed along the chilly stone passage towards the back of the house. As she passed one of the side chapels, as the staff liked to call the quiet rooms, she could hear the rhythmic murmur of a chant going on inside, and the distant bang and clatter of pots and pans told her that some weekend residents were expecting lunch today. Thinking of food made her tummy rumble. She hadn’t had breakfast this morning, but she’d managed two whole courses at the Italian last night, the most she’d eaten at one sitting in weeks.
Tapping lightly on the sitting-room door, she pushed it open and immediately felt the trapped heat, along with the heady aromas of woodsmoke and incense, wrapping their welcome around her.
‘Ah, here you are,’ Elaine said, getting up from the sofa, arms open ready to greet her. ‘You’re nice and early, that’s lovely.’
Eva’s eyes were locked on Patty, whose back was turned as she stacked more logs on the fire. ‘Hello,’ she said stiffly, as Elaine folded her in an embrace. ‘I didn’t realise my sister was going to be here.’
Elaine was still smiling. ‘No, well, I was afraid you might not come if you did,’ she admitted, almost cheerfully.
As Patty turned round Eva’s heart jarred with shock to see how haunted, almost wasted she looked. Her face was so gaunt, her eyes so darkly shadowed that she was like a lost, ghostly version of herself. However, her voice was strong as she said, ‘Hello, Eva.’
Eva looked at Elaine, and accepting that there was no escaping this without incurring her stepmother’s dreaded disappointment, she started to unbutton her coat.
‘That’s right,’ Elaine clucked approvingly. ‘Hang it on the radiator ready for when you go out again.’
Ludicrously relieved to know that she was going to be allowed to leave, Eva did as she was told and went to sit next to Elaine on one of the purple sofas. Patty was still standing, until seeming to realise she could sit down, she perched on the edge of the wing-backed chair beside the hearth.
‘I think I know what this is about,’ Eva began.
Taking her hand and patting it, Elaine said, ‘I’m sure you do, but would you mind letting Patty speak first?’
Though Eva’s eyes were like flint as she looked at her sister, she was aware of the severe knock her defences had taken from Patty’s appearance.
‘Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time for your say later,’ Elaine assured her, ‘but what Patty has to say might affect it, which is why we’d appreciate it if you hung on a little while.’
Giving a nod, as though to tell Patty to go ahead, Eva left her hand in Elaine’s while reminding herself that no matter what Patty had to say, her betrayal could never, and would never, be forgiven.
‘Elaine told me about Nick,’ Patty said. ‘You must be very happy that …’
‘He’s back in my life?’ Eva cut in sharply. ‘Yes, I can see that you’d want to think that, it would make it all so much easier for you, wouldn’t it, if you could tell yourself …’
‘Eva, Eva,’ Elaine rebuked gently. ‘You’re putting words in Patty’s mouth, and I don’t believe that was what she was trying to say.’
Eva’s face was tight as she continued to stare at Patty.
‘I was going to say,’ Patty told her, ‘that you must be very happy that Richie is able to get to know his father.’
Though the sentiment was kind, in fact typical of Patty, Eva said nothing. What was going on in her life now had nothing to do with her sister.
Patty swallowed, and after a quick glance down at her hands she said, ‘I’m sure you realise, well I think Elaine’s just made it plain, that the reason I asked her to invite you today is because I thought I would stand a better chance of being able to speak to you than if I rang or tried to come to the house again.’
Eva’s heart remained closed. Yes, she did realise that, and she wasn’t especially thrilled to be reminded of how she’d treated her sister the last time she’d been at the house. She guessed Elaine must know all about that by now, and felt almost ashamed to think of the cruel way she’d told Patty to go after Patty had brought R
ichie to her. Yet why should she feel ashamed? It wasn’t as if she’d caused any of this, and after what Patty had done, what the hell did she expect?
Patty cleared her throat and in a voice that wasn’t quite steady she said, ‘I should probably begin by telling you that Don and I are no longer together.’
Though Eva remained still, her insides were clenching tightly. It was true Livvy had told her, or at least intimated, that there had been some kind of break-up, but Eva had assumed it had far more to do with Patty’s conscience than with any kind of lasting intent. In fact, she still thought that. She looked at Elaine and Elaine squeezed her hand, while nodding for her to return her attention to Patty.
‘I ended our relationship,’ Patty continued, ‘because I was afraid that something inside me had made me want to take him from you just because … just because he was yours.’
Eva’s eyes widened. Surely she hadn’t heard that right.
‘I thought,’ Patty went on, ‘I mean I’ve always known, that I have some very deeply rooted feelings towards you that aren’t … Well, they aren’t particularly good, but I’ve always done my best to pretend they don’t exist.’
Having never sensed anything from Patty besides love and the deepest loyalty – until lately – Eva felt as though she was coming strangely adrift. That she might have bad feelings towards Patty after what had happened was, to her mind, understandable; that Patty might have harboured such feelings towards her for years was so shocking that it seemed to be stripping away all the stability, the beliefs, even the roots she’d always taken for granted.
‘It wasn’t especially difficult to ignore them,’ Patty went on, ‘because I know in my heart that the love I have for you is far stronger than the jealousy and resentment I’ve suppressed since our mother … did what she did.’
Eva was barely breathing. Jealousy and resentment?
‘If you bottle up anything for too long there’s a chance it will fester and grow, and then suddenly one day it’s making you behave in a way that’s usually alien to you. It can even make you think things that don’t make sense in the normal way.’ She took a breath and as she put a hand to her face Eva could see how badly it was shaking.
‘Even though I knew you weren’t to blame for what happened,’ Patty continued, ‘I couldn’t help thinking that if Mummy had never had you she’d still be alive, and everything would be the way it was before.’
Eva’s heartbeat slowed to a painful thud.
Patty swallowed hard. ‘I knew it was pointless to think that way, that there could never be any going back, but I missed her so much and I still remembered the times when she … when she wasn’t sad and afraid. She used to laugh a lot then and make everything seem easy and right. Daddy used to laugh too. It’s not that they were never happy after you came along, because sometimes they were, but it was different. Mummy told me herself once what was wrong with her – I was about ten or eleven at the time, not really old enough to understand what depression meant. I only wanted to know that she’d get better and she promised she would, but she never seemed to. She’d stay in bed for days at a time, refusing to see us or speak to us, and even when she did get up she’d look scared and nothing like she always used to. She hated it when you cried. It made her cry too. She’d tell me to make you stop, because she couldn’t stand the noise, so I’d take you into my bedroom and play with you, or I’d give you something to drink to calm you down. Sometimes she’d run out of the house and hours and hours would go by before she came back. When she did she’d scoop you up and hold you tight, saying she was sorry and that she loved you really. She’d dance with you and sing, and I’d watch her and wait for her to pick me up too, and say the same to me, but she didn’t. It was like everything had become about you and her, and the way she was, and I didn’t matter any more. It sounds silly and self-pitying to say that now, doesn’t it, but it was how it felt when I was a child.’
Eva swallowed dryly. She could stand almost anything – that Patty might not love her the way she’d always believed; that she could be trying to punish her; even that she really had fallen in love with Don – but that Patty aged twelve, or at any age, should think that she hadn’t mattered to their mother was tearing her apart.
‘Almost from the time she brought you home,’ Patty continued, ‘she began teaching me how to change you, to bath you and feed you. Daddy helped, obviously, but on Mummy’s bad days when he went to sit with her, I was left alone to take care of you. I remember sometimes wishing that I could take you somewhere and just leave you there so that I could go back and be with Mummy and Daddy. I thought if you weren’t there any more everything would return to normal. I even tried leaving you once, when you were about three, but you kept crying and running after me and in the end I just couldn’t do it. In spite of everything, I loved you, and we’d become so close. It was as though on some level I already knew how important we were going to be to each other, so I had to take care of you. I’d always rush home from school to be with you and be late in the mornings after trying to settle you down, so that Mummy wouldn’t have to worry while she waited for the minder to turn up. I didn’t realise it at the time, of course, but you started to feel safer, and I suppose more content, with me than you did with Mummy, which meant she felt able to leave you to me more and more. The trouble was, I think it made her feelings of inadequacy and depression even worse to see me coping in a way she couldn’t.’ As her voice wavered she bit her lips to try and stem a surge of emotion. ‘If I hadn’t been so capable maybe she’d have tried harder, so maybe it was me who drove her to do what she did.’
Eva gasped. ‘No,’ she protested, tears starting in her eyes. ‘You can’t say that. You were just a child doing what you thought was right.’
Patty didn’t disagree. ‘But I blamed myself for a long time,’ she said, ‘and I blamed you too, and Daddy … I could never talk about her because I hated her for what she’d done, and when Daddy finally let me read the note she’d written …’ She took a breath to fight back more tears. ‘I was eighteen by then, you were still only ten. He didn’t want you to see it because he was afraid you’d ask why she’d done what she had and if he told you the truth, you’d end up blaming yourself, or him. He had no idea that I blamed myself, and you, even him sometimes … I never told him, I couldn’t tell anyone. She was gone, she’d never be coming back so there was no point in talking about her at all, because it wouldn’t change what had happened, nothing could ever do that. I remember for years you kept asking me when she’d come back. I’m not sure how much you even remembered her, but you still used to draw her pictures at school and make cards for her birthday and Christmas. It made me so angry that you didn’t understand, and angrier still that Daddy would put your cards and pictures up as though she might walk in the door at any minute, because I wanted to make things for her too and be told how much she’d love them. It all sounds so pathetic now, I know, but at the time …’
‘You were very young,’ Elaine reminded her gently.
‘It’s not pathetic,’ Eva argued softly.
Patty seemed to tense, as though unwilling to accept excuses for herself. ‘It was all a terrible mess,’ she declared sharply. ‘We didn’t deal with any of it properly. We should have had counselling, you should have been told … Instead we just buried our heads in the sand and pretended she’d died in an accident rather than, God forbid, have to deal with the truth. And we went on pretending and lying and secretly blaming one another … Or I did. I know you didn’t blame me, or anyone really, but I was full of so much frustration and confusion, all kinds of conflicting emotions … I got so I couldn’t even bear to think of her and I hated it whenever you mentioned her. Then, when Daddy showed me the letter, I hated her more than ever, because what she said … In it … she only seemed to care about you and Daddy but not about me.’
Eva started to go to her, but Elaine held her back. Eva turned to her stepmother, but Elaine’s eyes were on Patty.
‘I still have the
letter,’ Patty announced.
Eva froze.
‘I’m sorry I lied,’ Patty said, ‘I just couldn’t bring myself … I didn’t want anyone to know that I hadn’t mattered, not even you. Daddy always said I should show it to you when I felt the time was right, and I kept telling myself it would never be right. But lately, since all this happened, I’ve become terrified of what might be going on inside me. It isn’t that I’ve ever wanted to harm you, not consciously, but I’ve come to realise that what I’m doing with Don is, in its way, a thousand times worse than anything I could have planned, because I’m breaking your heart.’
As the words buried themselves deeply into her, Eva felt Elaine’s hand tighten on hers again. It still wasn’t time to go to Patty, but Eva wanted to, so desperately, that it was almost impossible to hold back.
‘I’m very jealous of the fact,’ Patty pressed on, ‘that Mummy loved you more than she loved me. I don’t blame her for it, you can’t help it if one child means more than another, it just goes that way …’
‘Wait! Stop!’ Eva cried. ‘I don’t believe that. She couldn’t …’
‘Eva, please let me say this,’ Patty interrupted. ‘I need to, and though you probably don’t feel you owe me anything …’
‘Don’t talk like that.’
‘I have to, because this is where we are now, and we’ve only got here because of me and what’s happened in the past.’ Patty’s eyes were glittering with tears as she put her head back in an effort to stem them. ‘I’m going to give you the note now,’ she declared raggedly. ‘I’m sorry it’s taken this long.’
Eva watched her pick up her bag.
‘I should probably tell you that you don’t have anything to be afraid of,’ Patty went on. ‘She loved you … She couldn’t help herself, she just …’
