by M Dauphin
By the time I’m ready to head into work, Braydon is just finally getting around to getting dressed. He’s very comfortable in his skin, but I don’t worry too much about it. I love the view.
“You tell the band yet?” He decided a week ago that he was pulling out from the tour, but we’ve both been so busy lately that we haven’t had a lot of time together.
“Yeah.” He stops short and smiles at me, his bright whites flashing at me and he cocks his head. “You’re leaving the house in that shirt? It’s probably cold outside. You should really cover up, baby.” He raises his eyebrows as his line of sight travels down my cleavage.
“I’m not letting you skirt around that question, Braydon.” I put my hands on my hips, and he sighs in defeat. Pushing his hair back, he curses and leans against the doorframe.
“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Al. I told them, and they were pissed at first, but now they’re cool with it. They brought in a new guitarist already for the tour, but I’ll be back in as soon as the tour is over. This way I can be here for the baby, be here with you, and be here to run the bar, so the new guy doesn’t run it into the ground.”
I smile at him, because I know how hard backing out of this had to be for him. He’s worked his entire life to be in a big band and, the second he makes it, he wants to pull out. Sure, it was the right thing to do in the long run, but it still sucks for him.
“I’m proud of you, Braydon.”
“Thanks, babe. But, can we talk about this shirt thing? I swear, I can see your nips it’s so revealing.” He growls and I look down, adjusting the neckline of the shirt.
“I know, it’s low… but I was told to wear it for today’s meeting so here I am… selling tits and all.” I push them together and he groans.
“Fuck me.”
“I’d love to, but I have to get going.” I smile and slap his ass on my way to get my purse. He grabs my arm and stops me, slamming his lips to mine.
“I love you, Alexis Grant.”
“I love you, too, Braydon Simms. Now, I’m going to be late if we don’t stop.”
He drops his hand and sighs in defeat, heading to the kitchen to grab some coffee.
By the time I get to the office, it’s insanely busy with people running in all different directions. I laugh at the look on the assistant, Margo’s, face. She’s been here about a month longer than I have, but she still seems like this is her first day here.
Have some confidence, girl.
“What’s going on?” I ask, setting my things in my office.
I was given an office for the community support reach program I’m starting. Add that work to the modeling that I’m starting to do this week, and I’ll be a very big part of the CK world.
Hopefully.
“Calvin’s coming in this afternoon. This place needs cleaned up hardcore.” She’s struggling to wipe off a handprint from the glass, and all I can do is laugh.
He’s just a man… He wouldn’t be mad because of a handprint would he?
My phone rings, as I’m busy dusting every spare inch of the office. I’m working up a sweat and really praying they don’t expect me to do pictures today since my hair is now frizzy and makeup has melted off.
“Yes?” I answer promptly, not bothering to look at the screen.
“Hey, you talked to Braydon?” Gabe asks like he’s worried about something, but I can’t place his tone.
“Not since this morning.” Looking over to the clock, I notice it’s already noon.
Shit, the boss will be here any minute. “Listen, Gabe, I’m insanely busy today. I’ll call you tonight, okay?” Just as he starts to protest, I hang up, not having time to talk him down off of whatever freak out ledge he is on. Ever since the news about Trixie came out, he’s been so weird around us, and I know it’s because he can sense the anger radiating off Braydon every time they’re together. It’s tense, but Braydon is positive things will get better once the baby is born. Healthy.
God forbid anything is wrong with that poor baby. I’m sure he’ll have a complete meltdown if something were to happen to his baby due to her neglect.
By the time four o’clock rolls around, I’m ready to be on the couch with a beer in hand. I’ve been so busy all day in meetings, plus I ended up doing a pre-shoot photo shoot just to get used to some of the things they are going to want next week. It’s exhausting being back in the scene, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I silenced my phone earlier today. There’s no reason for it to be on during the workday, and, with as busy as I’ve been, I haven’t thought to check it. On the drive back home, I listen to the voicemails.
Holy shit.
“Alexis, it’s Gabe. You need to call me.”
Delete
“Al, it’s Bray. I need you, and I don’t know where you are. Please, God, call me.”
Fuck.
“Alexis. Gabe again. You need to get home. Now.”
Ending the call, I speed home to an empty parking lot.
Shit!
Running inside, hoping that someone is there, I’m greeted to an empty apartment and stale lunch food on the counter.
Lunch.
Fuck! What the hell is going on?
Dialing Braydon, I’m sent straight to voicemail. Great. Putting in Gabe’s number next, it rings and rings until I hear him answer at the last minute. He’s out of breath and frantic sounding.
“Where the fuck have you been?!”
“Working! I’ve been at work! What the hell is going on?!”
“Trix Overdosed, Al. You gotta find Braydon. They got her to the hospital, but I’m not the dad, I’m not with Trix, and I don’t know what the fuck is happening!”
He’s frantic, and I can feel the dread seeping in. The negative thoughts, the bad feeling that we’re never going to end up happy in this life… They don’t stop. They can’t.
She overdosed.
The mother-fucking bitch OD’d, while fucking pregnant! Who the hell does that?!
Grabbing my purse, and holding back the urge to vomit, I’m back out to the car in seconds and calling Braydon constantly. He’s not home, he’s not at the bar, and Gabe said he hasn’t been to the hospital yet, so I check the only other place I’ve known him to go when things look bad.
The cemetery.
Pulling in, I see him sitting at the top of the hill, right next to Lane’s plot. We’ve never come back here together, but I know each of us make it a point to visit once a week at least. Walking up to him, I sit quietly next to him, putting my hand on his. He looks over to me, sadly, and shrugs.
“Shit sucks, doesn’t it?”
I nod, looking out over the valley. This is a beautiful spot, really. Lane apparently picked it out himself when he found out about the cancer. He did it all by himself, without telling us. I don’t want to live a lonely life like that. I want someone that I can tell things to, and not feel like I’m alone in my decisions.
I did have it in Lane, but apparently he didn’t feel the same since there was a ton of stuff he did without letting me in on it.
I’ve definitely found that in Braydon.
“Hey, so… Don’t you think we should be at the hospital now?” I squeeze his hand, and he looks over at me.
“Why? It’s done. She fucked up everything.”
“You don’t know that, Bray. Doctors can do some amazing things.” I nudge him and try to keep the tears at bay.
I’m not letting him give up quite yet.
Braydon
Al forced me to get in the car with her. I wanted to get back on my bike, but she insisted that I sit with her while she drives to the other end of town to the hospital. I’m not sure why I’m going. What pregnant woman ODs and the baby lives to see the light of the world? I’m certain I’m going to show up and get the terrible news that they saved Trixie, but couldn’t save the baby.
My baby.
“Al, are you sure this is a good idea?” She’s holding my hand, and gives me a reassu
ring smile but I can’t let anything pass the dread in my heart.
“Tell me what you heard, Braydon, to make you think this is all over.”
“Gabe called. Said she OD’d. I hung up and rode around as fast as I could for a while, I think trying to get myself hurt, because I didn’t want to live with the pain of losing a baby. Before I knew it, I was up at his gravesite, talking to him like he’s still fucking here.” I feel the knot in my throat growing, but I can’t swallow it down. Too much shit has happened to me in the last year… Losing a kid just isn’t fucking fair. Losing it because of a negligent mother is even worse.
This could have all been avoided.
“Right, that’s what he told me, too, but baby… No one ever said anything about the baby.”
“They don’t have to,” I practically hiss. I don’t want her instilling false hope into me right now.
“Let’s just get there and see what’s going on, okay? Gabe’s freaking out, and I’m sure it’ll make everyone feel better when you’re there.” She squeezes my hand, but I can’t find it in me to squeeze back.
I know he’s gone.
Everything I’ve ever truly loved is gone.
Does this mean Al’s going to leave me too? Oh shit.
“My chest hurts,” I groan, lying my head back on the headrest. We pull into the parking lot, and my breathing starts coming in shorter spurts. Every time I blink, my world tilts a little more. I can feel my hands shaking, and my face sweating, but all I can do is lay my head back and wait.
“I think you’re having a panic attack, Bray. Just keep breathing, and focus on your breaths. It’ll calm down soon enough.” Al’s voice starts to calm me, her hand on mine gently rubbing back and forth. The low hum of the engine plays in my ears, and I do as I’m told: focus on my breathing.
In… out… in… out….
“Good. See, you’re not shaking anymore.” I crack open my eyes, noticing my world has gone still again, and see her smiling face. “Everything’s going to be fine, Braydon. Can we just get in there now?”
Nodding, I get out and hold on tight to Al as we make our way into the hospital.
I’ve spent too much damn time at this hospital.
“I’m sorry, Al.” It comes out a whisper, and it hurts getting those words out, but I have to say it. I’ve let her down.
Again.
“Why would you say that?”
“Because. I got Trixie pregnant. I fell in love with you, then found out some other woman was carrying my kid… then… well… this…” I feel like I’ve gotten her hopes up so many times just to crush them. God, I’m an asshole.
“Braydon, you don’t need to be sorry about anything. You’re here with me today. That’s what matters. Everything else we work through.”
And she’s right. We will.
Together.
Sitting in that waiting room with Gabe, watching his face fall when the doctors come out and never walk over to us, is torture. He shouldn’t even be here. It’s not his kid, she’s not his girlfriend… Plus, I still have a hard time not blaming him somewhat for happened today. If he truly was mixed up with Trixie he should have done more to stop her from using.
About an hour after being there, the doctor come out and calls for me.
Me. By name.
With shaking hands, I stand and pull Al up with me. I need her right now. The doctor’s face isn’t a face that’s telling me everything’s okay. It’s a sad look of pity.
Fuck.
“Come with me,” he says, then turns towards an office. I can’t move. My feet don’t want to follow because I know what he’s about to tell me, and I just can’t hear it. I don’t want to hear it. If I don’t hear it, the pain won’t shoot through my body and I won’t fall apart. If I don’t hear the words, then it’ll be like it never happened… Right?
“Come on,” Al says, taking my hand and pulling me alongside her. She’s the only thing right now stopping me from running out the doors and not looking back. She’s my fucking rock, and I need her.
Always.
We walk in to the office, and the doctor shuts the door behind us, slowly taking his seat behind his mahogany desk. A protective barrier, of sorts, so that, when he tells me my baby is dead, I’m unable to reach out and punch him in the fucking face.
Al can sense my nerves and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. I’m not sure when I became such a negative person… Typically, I wouldn’t be thinking this negatively about this situation, but I think this last year has turned me cynical.
“Mr. Simms-”
“Call me Braydon, please.” I look him in the eyes, and see the sadness coming from him.
Fuck.
“And you are?” He looks Alexis and cocks his head.
“Alexis Grant. Braydon’s girlfriend.”
I nod at him when he looks over at me, silently questioning if she’s okay to be here.
“Great, so then. It’s been a very long afternoon, as you both can guess.”
“Can we just cut the shit and get to the point, please?” I don’t want sugar coating. I can take it.
I have to be able to.
He raises his eyebrows, and Alexis clears her throat.
“Sorry for… him… He’s just had a lot of bad news this year. We both have. Please tell us you don’t have more bad news.” Her pleading tells me she’s not as strong as she’s letting on, but I’m appreciative for her talking because I can’t really find the words I need right now. The doctor clears his throat and shakes his head.
“It’s not just black and white like that, you two. I have good news and bad news. We did everything we could today. Ms…” he trails off and checks his notes. “Allen. Trixie Allen… she was pretty far gone when they brought her in. All the drugs in her system had put her into cardiac arrest. Being pregnant, our first and foremost worry was making sure to get the baby out before it was poisoned or worse.” He pauses and folds his hand on the desk in front of him. I feel the bile rising in my throat, just waiting to come up at his next words. He’s going to tell me my baby didn’t make it and I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Throw up? Probably. Hulk out? Definitely. Cry? Absolutely. Probably all at once.
Al squeezes my hand, and reaches over with her other one, too. She’s just as nervous as I am.
“We weren’t able to save Ms. Allen. I’m so sorry.” The doctor shakes his head as I register his words.
She’s gone? Holy shit.
“What… but the baby…”
“What does that mean for the baby?” Alexis’s voice rings quietly and sad in the office, as if we’re all bracing ourselves for the worst.
“We did everything we could, but, once we got the baby out, the drugs had already started shutting down Ms. Allen’s body. The baby was almost a month early. There were signs that the lungs weren’t developed properly.”
“Fuck,” I groan, putting my head down.
“Braydon, your baby is in the neonatal intensive care unit. You will be able to see him after we are done here, one at a time obviously. All signs point to him being okay, but there are some tests and other worries we have since Ms. Allen was using during pregnancy.”
The breath is knocked out of me, and I sit up, eyes wide, and look over to Alexis.
“He’s alive?”
“Of course. He’s going to be here for a while… until we know he’s healthy enough to face the outside world… but your son is alive.” He smiles, and it’s all I can do not to reach across the desk and hug the breath out of him. Goddamn massive desk!
“He’s alive!” Wrapping Alexis in my arms, I let the tears fall. The relief flooding my body right now makes me want to jump and scream and cry. I feel like a twelve year old girl that just got tickets to her favorite boy band concert. Al’s crying and laughing and the doctor is smiling.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Braydon. I know this baby is going to have a great family, though.” He looks between the two of us and stands. “Would you like to see him?”
>
The smile spreads across my face, and I jump up, hugging him too… just because I can’t contain the happy running through me.
On the walk through the twisting and winding halls of the hospital, Al takes me hand and looks up at me.
“I’m sorry about Trixie, Braydon.” She gives me a sad smile, and squeezes my hand. I don’t know how to reply, though, so I don’t. I’m not happy she’s dead, but I’d be lying if I said there was a part of me that was relieved I wasn’t going to have to put up with her shit anymore. Sure, the loss of life… the loss of my son’s biological mother is saddening, but we’re going to be all right. I just shrug and look straight ahead, following the doctor to my son.
When we get to the NICU, Al lets me go in first and waits on the other side of the window.
“Holy shit,” I whisper, staring at the tiny human in the small cubicle. He’s wrapped in a blanket, a small blue beanie on his head, and hooked up to so many machines I’m not sure where one cord begins and others end. Poor guy. Oh my god, my poor baby.
“He’s a fighter, daddy.” One of the nurses picks him up, careful to cradle his tiny head, and not pull any of the cords attached to him, then she carefully places him in my arms. That’s when I lose it.
I can’t help the tears streaming down my face.
My son.
He’s got my hair color. Holy shit, he’s got a full head of hair under this beanie! I’ve never felt so proud of anything before in my entire life. This tiny human is mine… and it’s up to me to mold him into the best man I can.
“He’s going to need a name, Dad.” The nurse watching me is smiling, and I look out to Alexis who’s wiping her eyes, obviously a blubbering mess.
“Oh,” I whisper, looking down at him.
A name?
“Dean. Dean Simms.” I smile up at Alexis, her tears nonstop, and her smile brightens. She loves the name Dean… always has. We’ve talked about names multiple times, but nothing was ever decided. I know she wanted this name, but she never pushed for it because of the circumstances.
I hope I just made the right choice.
“That your girlfriend out there?” The nurse smiles at her, and looks back at me.
