by Alice Ward
She took a deep breath and a healthy gulp of wine. She was also given a moment’s reprieve because the waitress came with our meal. Before she attempted to eat the lobster, she rolled her head to release the tension from her neck, then studied the tablecloth for a moment. This was big shit. I took a deep breath too and prepared myself.
“When I was five years old, my dad told me we were going on a trip. I asked if I could bring my doll with me, and he said, ‘Sure, bring Grace along.’ He seemed really friendly when he mentioned the trip, and I was excited about going. I was little so getting in the car and going anywhere for any distance was totally thrilling. I bugged him about where we were going and remember asking him a million questions, but he didn’t give any details. He just kept saying that it was a surprise.”
She glanced up at me, and down just as quickly. I gave her the space she needed.
“When I thought of a surprise, I envisioned Disneyland or the mountains, but he didn’t give me any more information than just…you’ll be surprised. He drank beer all day while my mom packed our suitcases.”
Caitlyn swallowed hard and pressed her napkin to her mouth.
“Mom was really quiet, not like her usual bubbly self. She kept suggesting to him that they not go on the trip. She told him he needed to calm down. He seemed calm to me. He just repeated over and over again, ‘I’m taking you,’ so she stayed quiet after a while. It seemed like the start of a really horrible vacation. When we got in the car, my dad was slurring his words and was driving really sloppy. My mom was in a faraway place, and she seemed out of it. I really got nervous because I didn’t feel like either of them were okay. We drove for like an hour in silence while my mom slept and Dad white-knuckled the wheel. Then he shut the car off in the middle of nowhere. He bent down under his seat and pulled out an iron bar.”
Shit. Shit. Holy shit. Fuck. I’d been part of too many movies not to see where this was going. I reached out and took Caitlyn’s hand in mine again.
“Instinctively, I was terrified, but I didn’t know why. It was just a piece of metal. He asked her if she was leaving because she wanted to be with Uncle Jonas, a friend of our family, instead of him. My mom said she was leaving him because she no longer loved him. She tried to open the car, but I later learned he had activated the child lock feature. She screamed at him and called him a drunk bastard. That’s when he hit her with the bar. I just closed my eyes and put my hands over my ears and screamed, ‘Stop it, Daddy!’ I remember yelling that over and over, again and again.”
Caitlyn closed her eyes, and I’d never wanted to hold anyone more.
“I stopped screaming when all was quiet. Deathly quiet. My voice and my head hurt badly. I looked up, and he was staring at me. There was blood everywhere and my mom was slumped over the dashboard covered in it. I don’t think I breathed. He had a gun. Even though he hit her with the metal bar, he had a gun. He pointed it at me.”
My stomach had a pulse. Every cell in my body had a pulse. I couldn’t believe this happy person could have gone through so much.
“I thought she was alive. I must have known she died, but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to think that he had just bashed her skull in. He had both weapons in the car, he was always planning on killing us. You know when stuff like that happens, you just… it isn’t real.”
Her fingers were trembling under mine, and I held them tighter. This was too much. “Caitlyn, sweetheart, you don’t have to go through this.”
Her eyes snapped up, remembered terror lingering behind the determination to finish her story.
“I remember his cold eyes staring at me. I tried to talk to him with my mind because I didn’t dare open my mouth. He said I was a pretty girl. Then I heard a clicking sound. I froze. I had no concept of death. The only thing I really understood was that he was my dad. He was this hero. He had made this amazing tree fort in the backyard. He swung me really high on the swings. Why was he acting this way? He, um, then took the gun and put it to his ear…there was a horrible loud sound…and I don’t remember anything else.”
I took her hand between both of mine. “I’m so sorry.”
She nodded, a tiny movement of her head. “My gran told me he was sick, he had mental problems and my mom was pregnant. We were going to stay with her sister for a while until the baby was born. I found out later, it wasn’t his child.”
“That was his trigger?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Anyway, I moved in with Gran, and I’ve lived with her ever since. I know it’s a super sick, awful story, and we’re, you know on this…” She looked down at her food. “I’ve probably killed the mood, and you’ll most likely never want to see me again. But, you wanted to know why I was scared, that’s why. I have a shrink I’ve seen a few hundred times and a bookshelf full of books that explain it all. For me, I want love. The real kind. The kind that keeps nightmares away and does stupid, fun shit, like going camping in a Yurt or making rainbow slime. I want love that doesn’t ever judge, or, you know, beat you to death with a crowbar.”
The dam holding back her emotions broke, and tears coursed down her cheeks.
My heart died for her. I felt every ounce of her pain and it twisted inside of me. Right now, having sex with this incredible woman was the last thing on my mind. I gave her hand a squeeze. “You deserve all that and more.”
She wiped her tears away and started in on her lobster, trying to avoid eye contact. “Sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry you had to live through that. This is reality and it’s what you wanted…needed tonight. I think we’re both in transitional places at the moment and both of us are facing monumental losses. This is life, and life gets so real and so ugly at times. I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing with me.”
She pushed back her hair. “I don’t really know why I did.”
“Thank you for trusting me with your story. You’re safe with me, Caitlyn. Entirely and utterly safe. I told you I’d be your friend, so I won’t threaten you or ask you to compromise your integrity. You may not care that I’m one of the most famous men in the film industry…” she rolled her eyes, which made me laugh, “but I deeply respect you. So, you have my word, it’s gold.”
The admission made me feel vulnerable, so I sawed at my steak with the knife.
“Thank you.” It was all she gave me, but it was real.
“You’re welcome. You know, Wenton has given me my next task.”
She smiled. “Oh, what now? Clowns at the circus?” This was good. She was revving back up to her sarcastic, fun self again.
“I wish. He wants me to fall in love.” Okay, if we were going to play the morbid card, it was my turn.
“Well, that doesn’t seem hard. Women must throw themselves at you. You probably just have to pick one,” she said too easily, as if she was telling herself this information, not me.
“I’ll definitely raise you your one English teacher in China to about a thousand faceless women. I’ve fucked and I’ve done it gloriously. I have had every shape, size, color, and creed of woman. I’ve seen almost every face of ecstasy a woman can make. There might even be a record for the number of women I’ve had, casually with no strings attached. I’m your worst nightmare. In all fairness to me, I was more of a ho-bag when I was in college than recently, but I was getting plenty of play, trust me.” I rolled my eyes and gave her a fake sulking look. “Except now that is. It’s all different.”
There was a flicker of disgust in her eyes, but curiosity too. “Why is it different now?”
I didn’t blame her. She tells me she’s had one man in her whole life and can’t trust men because her dad committed a heinous crime against her mother, and I come back with “you’ll never believe how many women I’ve screwed.” Well, I didn’t just eat them all alive, some were pretty adamant that they would have had me at any cost. Regardless, we were beauty and the beast, that’s for sure.
“This is a little hard to share, but it can’t be ha
rder than your story. I really like you. I know you’re fully aware of that fact.” She shifted in her chair. “Well, I’m conducting something of an experiment at the moment. Ironically, it’s on theme with Wenton’s task. I’ve decided to hang up the ol’ flogger. Just kidding, I’m not into that. But I’ve decided to um…invest more of myself in a relationship.”
“Why?”
Because of you.
“Because I’ve sometimes known a woman’s name when I was with her, and sometimes I’ve had no clue. And… they’re all a blur mostly. So, I plan to remain celibate until I’m able to find a woman who I can share a deeper connection with. Love, however, for me, is as hard as fucking is for you. Trust me, my issues are also deep and tragic.”
Oh my god was there a reverse on this moment?
“Why? Why is love so hard?”
She continued to eat, but I suddenly didn’t have much stomach for it.
“Well, like you, I don’t have a whole treasure trove of great childhood experiences to draw from. My parents were cold people whose families married them to keep the money from filtering out of their circle. They are a part of generations of old money. These people do business together, lobby politicians together, and practically own their corners of the world. With their enormous wealth comes rules. Marry within the horde, don’t let outsiders in. Outsiders can come to dinner parties and be honored guests but never let them see what happens behind closed doors. Don’t shine too brightly, steer clear of the spotlight, avoid being noticed. Concede to your elders. Turn a blind eye to situations that look unscrupulous, you may not know what dealings are at hand. Always support the circle… even to the death.”
Her eyes were wide, and I realized I’d laid it on a little thick. But, hell, it was thick.
“I wanted out of that nonsense, so when I was old enough, I started to make my own money. Yet even with my own independently made fortune, I didn’t escape our wealth and its strict regulations. I was still a son of the tribe. My parents, Wenton, and I are billionaires many times over. The stocks they bought me when I was a baby, long before they realized that they pretty much hated having kids, have already generated much of my wealth. Then there are houses that my grandparents left me and a business I know nothing about in Abu Dhabi that pays to the tune of ten million a month. We’re loaded in ways that are almost humanly impossible.”
Her mouth was open. I didn’t blame her. It was a lot to take in.
“However, despite our family’s great wealth, my parents are stingy with money. They didn’t go bashing each other in, I’ll give them that much credit, but they put up with one another, barely. They dealt with money, handling the house and all of their assets well. They ran our home as one would run a business. They had a passing interest in one another and did things together occasionally, but when they weren’t contractually obligated to put on a show of marriage, they were each involved in their own lives.”
It was Caitlyn’s turn to squeeze my hand, and I was grateful for her warmth and comfort.
“They never showed affection to one another and they absolutely never mentioned the idea of loving each other. To the contrary, they were always picking at each other’s faults. I came to understand that love meant allowing yourself to be vulnerable to attack. It was an unwelcomed barring of one’s soul for someone else to step on, trample and obliterate. I never wanted that. In fact, I actively avoided it in every exercise of my existence.”
She was nodding now, understanding and sympathy playing on her face.
“I let my body follow its own ethics, the code of lust. This kind of self-regulation fit nicely with my family’s breed of loyalism. Fuck who you want, whenever you want. Fuck them hard, fast, and frequently. Just don’t get caught doing something stupid and don’t bring them to Christmas dinner. I’m sure my parents had multiple lovers over the years, but nobody mentioned them and nobody cared about them. I was destined to be what I am and the only person who ever threw me off my game was Wenton.”
Caitlyn smiled at the mention of my brother. “How so?”
“He couldn’t play by the rules. It wasn’t in his DNA, literally. Williams kids are the nicest, sweetest humans. He didn’t have the chops for the family’s breed of ruthlessness. And, honestly, he was someone they wanted to hide away. They never told people there was anything wrong with him. They just kept him hidden. When he kissed that girl, there was rumor of a possible scandal, so they shipped him away as soon as they had even the remotest reason. To be honest, it was the best thing that ever happened to him. At the facility, he had an opportunity to create a life for himself. It was a small life, but better than being locked in his room. When he left, my mom sort of gave up caring for her kids. I was already in my late teens and had spent most of my life at boarding school. She lived at her weekend house and my dad dove into work. I would spend my weekends and holidays with Wenton. He was my real family.”
Boy, did I overshare.
It was amazing what vulnerability did to you. It was like diving off an ocean liner into the open water, without anything but the hope that someone will come to your rescue. I felt nauseous.
“Wow,” she breathed. “People think that billionaires have the best lives, but yours sounded like a nightmare. It’s funny what you don’t know about people when you first meet them.”
She smiled, and in it was forgiveness, surrender, and trust. Possibly, a truce had been drawn between us.
“It is funny. And on that note, I just want to confirm that I will not be propositioning you again. Sex is completely off the table. If it ever creeps back onto the table, it will be at your behest.”
“Mmm, I like this very much. Thank you, and honestly, I’m starting to admire you too. Sorry I’ve been such a judgy bitch.”
“Oh no, it’s good that you’ve been a judgy bitch, trust me. It’s definitely protected you from ‘super dick.’” I managed to say that with a straight face, and she laughed.
“Super dick, huh?”
My grin was as big as hers. “Yes, and should he rise up on occasion with his cape flying behind him, just ignore him. I will try to do the same.”
She stabbed a fry with her fork. “I’ve been warned.”
“Like now. He might want to start flying now,” I cautioned just to make her laugh.
“Super dick who?” she asked while wrangling with a lobster leg.
The rest of the night we spent eating, laughing, and talking about lame movie gossip. I shared insider gossip that she found amusing and she told me hilarious stories about some of the crazy things her students had done. We just enjoyed each other’s company.
When the night was over, we walked along the beach for a while, enjoying the moonlight and the sand between our toes. Sadly, though, it was late and time to take Caitlyn home. I had a long drive ahead.
I’d been in contact with my driver, letting him know we were ready to be picked up. My driver’s name was Robert, and luckily, he had family in Connecticut. As I was getting to know Caitlyn, I was coming to understand her broad worldview — she saw everyone as a person and every person as an equal.
Robert had been driving for me for years, but I barely ever said two words to him. That started to change after meeting Caitlyn. I began to feel sorry for keeping him away from his family and friends on the weekends, and gave him an option of having the weekends off. Robert thanked me for the opportunity, but he had friends he saw while I was busy with Wenton and he liked the extra money. So, while I didn’t have to drive the long stretch home, it was nearly nine p.m. and time to go.
When we arrived at Caitlyn’s house, I got out of the car and walked her to the door.
“I had a great time today. Being with your brother, the karaoke, dinner…everything. Thank you so much, you’ve really changed my life and I especially appreciated our talk.”
“You’re welcome. I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more. I have a great deal of respect for you.”
All I wanted to do was kiss her.
&nbs
p; But she leaned in and kissed me. Her kiss was soft, sensual, and sweet.
And I fell farther down the rabbit hole of love.
CHAPTER 11
Caitlyn
I knew as soon as I came in looking like a star-crossed lover, I was going to hear it from Tammy.
“So?” she said, looking like a mother about to explode into an hour-long tongue-lashing.
“So?” I mocked.
Her eyes narrowed. “Oh no, you don’t.”
I sighed. “Nothing happened and nothing will happen. I just gave him a goodbye kiss is all. He actually promised to take sex off the table unless I wanted it.”
“Shut up.” Tammy seemed impressed.
“Yep, he said, he’d keep super dick—”
She held up her hand, stunned. “He did not name his cock.”
“—in his pants,” I finished.
“That guy is a trip.” Tammy shook her head. “Do you have any idea how famous he is?”
I lifted a shoulder. “A little.”
“I’m just saying… ‘The Love That Never Died.’” It was Tammy’s favorite movie.
“He did that?” I asked, truly shocked.
“Girl, you need to bone up on your Google skills. Hell, yes he did.” She was glowing just a little bit.
“Well, that’s pretty cool.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re hopeless.”
“How’s Gran?” It was the million-dollar question we were both avoiding.
“She’s really tired, only woke up once.” Tammy plopped down on the couch. “She’s looking kinda… I don’t know. I’ve never thought of her as old, but…”
I sat beside her. “Yeah, I know.” I could feel tears heating up my eyes.
“Listen, Cat, let’s just enjoy this time with her, okay? After work tomorrow, I’ll come over and we’ll get Ricky and have a dinner party. We’ll do whatever Gran wants to do, cook up some of her favorites.” Tammy smiled, basking in the glow of her great idea.
