by Kelly Long
Lilly tried not to let the sudden fear rising in her show. “As my mother is returning home tomorrow, Mrs. Zook, I really must clean up and prepare for tomorrow’s lessons. If you’ll excuse me . . .”
The older woman turned on her heel, her cape whirling about her. “Very well, Lilly Wyse. And I won’t say that I was the first to give you news that might save your future.”
“Good day, Mrs. Zook.”
Lilly sank to her desk chair as the door slammed close. She put her throbbing head in her hands and tried to ignore the venom of the so-called “duty” in the woman’s gossip. It had been a difficult day as it was, knowing her mother would return home the following day, dealing with Abel Beiler, who was sweet but was obviously going to be the most challenging student of her teaching career thus far. And, she was adjusting to marriage—a difficult thing under ordinary circumstances made even more difficult by the fact that her husband was distracted by his love for another woman.
As much as she wanted to, she could not still the fear that rose stronger within her heart. She began to pray that Derr Herr would give her release from her worry.
Jacob inched deeper beneath the pile of quilts on the floor, then rolled over on his stomach to play with the crack in the wood floor in the darkened room. He knew Lilly was awake too. He could tell from her rustlings and her breathing. He’d grown used to waiting for the even cadence of her breath before he allowed himself to fall asleep.
Something was bothering her . . . he could tell from her pleasant but thoughtful manner at supper—clearly forced. Probably she was worried about her mamm’s homecoming . . .
“Abel Beiler came to school today,” she spoke quietly from the bed.
He rolled over and propped himself up on one elbow, trying to see something in the sooty dark.
“How is the boy? It can’t be easy to have lost your father so recently.”
“I don’t know how he is—what troubles him and what doesn’t.” She briefly outlined Grace Beiler’s explanation of her son’s health.
“Maybe a special school is the answer, Lilly. I’ve heard that the teachers are kind and have more help in the classroom.”
He heard her bedclothes shift. “I know, but I feel that the Lord wants me to try with him. He’s really no bother, actually more of a puzzle. It’s not that he disobeys or is disruptive . . .”
On his side now, Jacob propped his head on his hand. “Then what is it?”
“Sometimes he’ll engage with the class and then, for no clear reason, drifts away into his own world.”
“Is that so bad?”
“Well, it’s distracting in a way I can’t describe. Sometimes he’s rocking a bit. Sometimes mumbling softly to himself.”
“Have you spoken with Alice yet? Surely she’ll have some ideas. How much longer has she been a teacher over in the next school?”
“Three years. Not a lot more, but I know she’s had some challenges. I’d planned to talk with her soon.”
She shifted again. He remained silent, sensing she had more to say.
“Jacob, I’ve thought about whether I might be vain in trying to teach him myself. I don’t think that’s the reason—truly, it’s a conviction of my heart.”
“It is Derr Herr who brings conviction to the heart. When He does, we are wise to listen.” Jacob thought for a moment. “How old is he? Seven? Can he read?”
“Some. It’s hard to tell, but he understands what’s being said. He’s insightful and can speak with high intellect when he chooses.”
“You know, when I’ve gotten hold of a colt that’s been badly or cruelly broke, or just one that seems a little slow or stubborn to other people, I often hitch him to a well-broken horse, one that can kind of act like a—”
He heard her clap her hands once. “Like a mentor! Jacob, that’s perfect! But I wonder which student might be best for him.”
He cleared his throat as an impulsive idea came to his mind. It was out of his mouth before he could consider. “I could do it.”
“What?”
He went on slowly. “I might be able to help the boy some way. He’s just lost his father—I don’t know. Maybe he’d like horses . . .” He trailed off. Probably a silly idea.
He heard her fling back the quilts, then heard her bare feet hit the floor. Then she was leaning over him in the pitch dark, her hands on his chest. “Ach, Jacob. You’re brilliant and so very kind. If you can spend some time with him in the evenings or maybe after school, it might give him confidence or make him calmer. I’m so proud of you that you’re willing to suggest this.”
She bent and hugged him, a quick, frustrating touch, and then she rose and pattered away. The bed creaked as she got back in, and he stifled a sigh.
After a few minutes, just when he thought she might be drifting off, she spoke again, her strained tone very different from only a few moments before.
“Mrs. Zook stopped by the school today. She said she saw you and Sarah meeting together on the roadside.”
“What? That old troublemaker.”
“She said you had your hand on hers. She said it looked affectionate. She said you weren’t shaking hands.” Her voice shook a bit more with each statement.
He didn’t even attempt to stifle the sound of disgust that blew from the back of his throat.
“Well, did you?”
He didn’t like her accusation, especially when he’d offered to help her with one of her students and she’d responded with excitement. “Jah, Lilly, that we were. Sarah was tired of Grant’s company, despite the fact that she’s going to have his boppli, and I decided to dishonor my bride in full view of everyone. That’s what we were doing.” He slammed his pillow down and rolled over, covering his head.
“How do you know?”
“What?” he snapped, yanking the quilt back down.
“How do you know she’s pregnant?”
He almost groaned aloud. Could he not learn to keep his big mouth shut? But there was no help for it now. “She told me.”
“Even Mrs. Zook didn’t know. You must have been the first she told.”
He thumped his pillow hard. “No, Lilly, I was not the first. I’m sure Sarah told her husband and her family and then maybe me. I am not first of anything with Sarah. And I don’t want to be. Not even second or third. Look, I want to go to sleep. Is that all right?” He shouldered the quilt and let his sarcasm hang like frost in the chilly air of the room.
CHAPTER 36
Lilly plucked a clothespin from the line and dropped it into the basket. Alice had done the same from the other side of the sheet. They began to fold the sheet together, as they had done hundreds of times, like a perfectly choreographed dance.
“He doesn’t love her anymore,” Alice said, continuing their conversation.
“I don’t know, Alice. I really don’t.”
“I saw them, you know.”
“When?”
“Tuesday.”
“That was four days ago. Why didn’t you tell me?” Lilly’s heart began to fear, picking up its pace.
Alice placed the folded sheet into the basket while Lilly reached for the next clothespin.
“I forgot.”
Lilly stopped. Turned. “You forgot.”
“Lilly. It was nothing. Really.”
“Then why did you forget?”
Alice plucked her end of the sheet off the line and the dance began again. “Because it was nothing. I probably should have remembered because the most remarkable thing about it was that it was so clear Jacob doesn’t love her anymore.”
They moved down the line, removing trousers one at a time. Lilly looked at her, not convinced.
“Look, Lilly. The entire community has watched Jacob’s eyes trail Sarah wherever she went for so many years, his face full of emotion and attraction. So when I saw him in town, walking by her, saying a friendly hello, but declaring an eager interest to get home to you, what should I think? Lilly, that connection is dead between them.”
Lilly knew Alice wouldn’t lie just to make her feel better. Her heart began to grow lighter.
“Besides,” Alice said, happily pairing socks and dropping them in the basket, “I’ve seen how he looks at you.”
Lilly cocked her head. “How?”
“Like he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.”
Lilly urged Ruler into a trot. she’d finished the school day with a certain resolve in her heart that had been strengthened by hours of silent, ongoing prayer. She turned down the lane to the Williamses’ farm and felt her heart pound within her chest. She was grateful to see that Grant’s buggy was gone, meaning he was probably out on a call. Perhaps it would make things easier.
She took a deep breath as she knocked on the front door, half hoping that no one would answer. But the glass of the door reverberated a bit with the approach of hurried footsteps, and Lilly was soon met with the smiling face of Mrs. Bustle. She knew the Englisch Bustles, as everyone in the community did. The elderly couple was like Grant Williams’s extended family and often came for visits from Philadelphia.
“Well, if it isn’t the schoolteacher! Mrs. Wyse now, correct? Please come in.”
Lilly stepped inside, unsure of how to proceed with her sensitive errand if the older woman was present.
“How are you and Mr. Bustle?”
“Fine. Just fine. And now we’re doubly happy to visit when Sarah is—” The good woman broke off, clearly flustered by what Lilly knew she’d nearly revealed and wondered what such suppressed joy must feel like.
“Ah, I mean . . . would you like to see Sarah? Or did you need the doctor for one of your animals? He’s out on a call right now.”
“Sarah, actually. Please.”
“Just come with me then.” The woman turned and lived up to her name by moving quickly across the hardwoods. Lilly followed, feeling an increasing uncertainty as she passed through the immaculate rooms of the old farmhouse. The place had such a domestic yet cultured feel about it, something in the stray piece of furniture or muted color of the walls that was still just a little bit Englisch as befitting Grant’s upbringing.
But there was nothing so domestically Amish as the sight of the home’s mistress in flour up to her elbows as she stood at the kitchen table.
“Lilly! What a wonderful surprise. We were just making raisin-filled cookies.”
Lilly looked into the beautiful face of the girl opposite her. Here was Jacob’s fantasy, the shadow of his true love, both immersed in life and carrying it within her. It seemed a futile thing in Lilly’s mind to even try and compete with the vitality and real beauty of Sarah Williams, a vision of the past or not. Yet that was not why she’d come. She let her eyes stray to Mrs. Bustle and wondered how she’d ever say what she needed to.
Sarah must have sensed her discomfort because she made a sudden exclamation.
“Ach, I nearly forgot.”
“What is it, dear?” Mrs. Bustle asked with concern.
“The mail. Grant was expecting some medicine samples. Perhaps Lilly and I will walk down the drive and—”
“You’ll do no such thing,” Mrs. Bustle interjected. “I’ll go myself this moment. I’ll not have you running down the lane after some fool medicine when you could easily slip and . . .” The woman’s voice faded to an indistinct mumble, followed by the sound of the front door closing.
“I’m sorry, Lilly. It seemed like you wanted to talk or something, but maybe you’ll think me silly.”
Lilly shook her head. “Nee. You’re right.” She plunged on before she lost her nerve. “The truth is, Sarah, that I’ve come to talk to you about something difficult.”
“Difficult? What do you mean?” Sarah wiped her arms with a dish towel and pulled a chair away from the kitchen table. “Here, please sit down.”
Lilly sat but kept her hands clenched in the lap of her cloak. She didn’t know what to do with the chaotic mixture of feelings that whirled around within her. Now that she was there, she didn’t know how she was even going to begin. Should she tell how she despised Sarah for showing up in her husband’s dreams? For being beautiful? Perfect? Everything Jacob wanted?
Or would she say what a good Amish woman should say? That she’s trying to trust Derr Herr with her marriage.
What she really wanted was to say—as well as believe—was what she had thought and prayed about for days.
“Can I get you some tea?” Sarah interrupted the swirl of her thoughts.
“That would be nice,” Lilly said, thankful for the few extra moments before she’d have to speak. But then, maybe she’d just have a little casual visit, then leave without ever exposing her fears and sadness to this beautiful woman. Of course, Jacob would love her. Lilly could not compete with someone as lovely and sweet and demure as Sarah Williams.
Sarah placed a plate of freshly baked raisin-filled cookies in the center of the table. She poured hot tea from the kettle on the stove into two mugs and set one in front of each of them. She returned the kettle to its place and sat in the chair closest to the stove so that she could easily be a good hostess if her guest needed anything else.
“They smell delicious,” Lilly said, lifting a cookie from the plate and taking a warm, gooey bite.
“My mother’s recipe,” Sarah said. “We often begged her to make them as we grew up.”
The front door banged as Mrs. Bustle returned from her short jaunt to the mailbox. She burst into the kitchen, a large padded envelope in her hand. “Here’s something,” she said, moving right on through presumably to deposit it on Grant’s desk. “I’ll be going upstairs to have a read if you don’t mind, girls. I’m sure you can visit without me.”
Lilly was both relieved and distressed at the announcement. Now she had no excuse except fear and cowardice to not speak the truth to Sarah.
“Go on ahead,” Sarah called to Mrs. Bustle. She smiled at Lilly. “She is so funny. Everything she does is different from anyone I’ve ever known. Yet you can’t help but love her immediately.”
She picked up a cookie and began to eat it. “You know, Lilly, I’m very happy for you and Jacob.”
“Truly?” Lilly asked, searching her face for a sign that she was putting on a false cover to hide the truth. Yet all Lilly could see was an open, honest, lovely face, a happiness exuding from her.
“It took me awhile, though.”
Lilly swallowed. “Why?”
“Because Jacob found his true love and it wasn’t me.”
“But you were already married when we became engaged.”
“Yes I was. Don’t misunderstand me. I love my husband dearly. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not profoundly grateful to Derr Herr for giving me the perfect husband.”
“Then why—”
“I suppose that although I was married to Grant, I still enjoyed knowing that Jacob loved me. A silly schoolgirl idea that a nice boy desires my company.” She shook her head. “Foolish, foolish. But sometimes the heart doesn’t make sense, does it?”
Lilly felt much of her fear drain away.
Sarah continued. “But then he became quickly engaged to someone beautiful. Someone much smarter than me. A woman with a job and not afraid of people or what they might think. You have always been someone I’ve admired, Lilly. You’re so different from me and so right for Jacob.”
Lilly put her cookie down on a napkin. she’d placed her tea to one side, stunned. Not knowing what to say.
“Lilly, I’ve known Jacob all my life. We’ve been such gut friends. I probably know him better than anyone except his brother.” She put her hand up. “Again, don’t misunderstand me. We were never intimate in any way except our laughter and sharing.”
Lilly took a bite of her appenditlich cookie, hoping that would help Sarah to continue.
“But somehow, I knew truly that I was never the right girl to be his fraa. And then, when he chose you, I felt you were so right for him.”
“Thank you, Sarah. I . . . I don’t know what to say. I neve
r thought you’d felt that way about me.”
“I should have told you sooner perhaps. You’re not angry with me for my foolish, jealous thoughts?”
Lilly started to laugh, but only a bit, until she had to take a deep breath and confess her own thoughts. “No, Sarah, I’m not angry. I’m surprised. You see, I came to tell you that I’ve been jealous of you and your relationship with Jacob. I . . . I’ve confessed it before God and I believed it only right to confess it to you as well. I’ve not been much of a friend in my thoughts toward you, and I want you to know that I’m sorry.”
She drew a shaky breath and saw that Sarah’s face only held concern and gentleness. “Lilly, it’s so funny, really—how people think. What they think when they’re really honest with themselves and with each other. I think evil has its way so much in the world because we refuse to tell the truth, be brave, and speak to one another in love. If we had not spoken, we would have let evil put an unseen wall between us.”
“And we would have missed the truth. I don’t want to be angry with you, Sarah. That is why I came. I hope you can forgive me.”
“I will.” Sarah raised her mug. Before taking a sip she said, “Maybe this truth telling could become a habit between us, Lilly Wyse. I would dearly love a new best friend.”
Lilly felt the glacier of her jealousy begin to melt away in the light of Sarah’s obvious sincerity.
“I’d like a new friend too,” she replied with honesty. “Thank you, Sarah—for listening. For helping me to see.”
Sarah rose and came around the table to hug her, and Lilly found herself returning the heartening embrace.
“Ach, Sarah . . . there’s one more thing—Jacob told me that—well, about the new boppli you carry. Congratulations to you and Grant.”
“Oh, danki, Lilly. I’m so excited and naerfich.” Sarah smiled as she pulled away.
“You will be a wonderful mamm.”
Sarah squeezed her hands. “Thank you, my freind. Please come for a visit anytime, Lilly.”
